This past week I received a phone call from Thomas’ day program. They rarely to never call me. I didn’t recognize the number, a local number and I picked up. The woman introduced herself from the day program and asked to speak to me. I’m like, yeeesssss…this is she… The woman tells me Thomas was cursing at one of the day program staff and the staff member pushed Thomas. They are investigating the incident. I asked if Thomas was ok, was he hurt and she assured me he was not. He was pushed away by the staff member, not pushed on the ground. I was quiet for a minute, taking it in. I really didn’t know what to say. I know my son. I know he curses at staff. I also know people have a breaking point. But…putting hands on a special needs person is not the answer. I thanked the woman for letting me know.

I told my husband about the incident. He knows Thomas curses and he knows our son. Thomas’ care manager spoke with Tommy and said the staff member was put on leave during the investigation. I think that is fair.

I still feel pretty quiet about this incident. Thomas; even though he’s an adult, even though he doesn’t live with us and even though he literally put me through hell; he’s still mine. I’ve felt that he would always be mine since Thomas was a very young child. I felt in my gut many glimpses of Thomas’ future when he was less than 2 years old. We knew nothing of his diagnosis and level of functioning at that time. I’m sure many people will understand.

I don’t think the person who pushed my son should be working with disabled persons. Whether the disability is physical and grossly apparent or somewhat hidden. I did not become angry when I learned Thomas was pushed. To be transparent and honest there was a small part of me thinking, well no one wants to be cursed at. Nonetheless it is unacceptable. Thomas has moments when he lacks control. It is up to those who are paid to be in his presence to maintain their own control.

This week is the 8th anniversary of my father in law’s passing. His legal name was Carmine which he did not like; at all. To everyone he was “Chick”. He was the youngest of 4 boys raised in Coney Island. He didn’t talk much about his childhood that I know of anyway. I know his Dad died young (cardiac) and so did his mom; complications of diabetes. I can only imagine how far we have come in prevention and treatments of both conditions.

When Tommy was older he called his dad Chickie or Chicklet. I preferred Chicklet. It made me smile. Chick always made everyone feel comfortable around him. He was truly a sweet man and would literally give you the shirt off his back. Everyone was called “Babe” and there was no way you could be offended by that. Not coming from him. I can’t not mention what a sharp dresser he was. And always wore cologne.

Chick had olive toned skin, green eyes and for the most part dark hair/salt and pepper. My husband has the same skin tone and beautiful eyes. Thomas and Lelly have a lighter skin tone and the same eyes. I never saw any pictures of my father in law’s family. I would have given my right arm to have seen one picture of his parents. When Lelly was born, the first time he held her he said she reminded him of his mother. That made me so happy for him. Lelly takes after Chick in quite a few subtle/can’t put your finger on ways. It’s funny how mannerisms and personalities are passed down. I love it when Lelly says or does something innocently and smiles; Tommy will pick up her action or expression and say to me, wow she’s just like my father.

Chick treated me like a daughter. Not an in law. I was privy to information not usually shared with a daughter in law and the trust was felt deeply.

I always felt welcome in their home even when I was younger. And after we had kids Chick was an incredible “Poppie”. We were welcome to the house anytime. And if one of my kids slept over, McDonalds breakfast was a guarantee. Sometimes he would go with me to one of the kids assemblies and he was such a proud Poppie.

We miss him.

I had a conversation recently where the person asked me if I thought Tommy and I were too young when we got married.We were both 25 when we exchanged vows; engaged for about 2yrs. I was in college when Tommy proposed and he asked my dad for his blessing. My father only asked that we not get married until I finished school. A reasonable request.

Tommy proposed, I said yes of course and we took some time to set a date since I had a year of college remaining and I wanted to get a job and work to save money to be able to pay for the wedding with Tommy. I graduated, passed the nursing board exam, landed a hospital job and we decided on November 12, 1995.

In retrospect, I don’t believe we married too young but I did have growing up to do. I was judgmental and did not always speak my mind at the best time. As a nurse I had no idea what/where I wanted to work and I had no confidence.

Tommy was so good, he still is. Over the years he taught me quite a bit. You show someone you love by actually doing; putting the other person first and having extreme consideration for your spouse. Just a few lessons I learned from an excellent example setter. My husband is very giving, warm and has such a generous nature.

Marriage wasn’t perfect for us. Throw a special needs child and then 3 girls in the mix. You grow up even faster. Learn more than you ever thought possible. Not to mention you now wear multiple hats that switch on and off incredibly fast.

Tommy and I talk about being humbled. Some people are never humbled, they just walk around like they never experienced anything that brought them to their knees. And it shows, not in a good way. Thomas humbled me. Man did he ever. Judgmental attitude; out the window! I learned very quickly to speak up in a very stern, compassionate, educated manner and at the right time.

There’s always something new to learn and ways to grow.