I’ve spoken with many mothers of special needs children/adults/“kids”. It’s usually the mothers who want to talk. Men handle special needs parenting differently than women. Neither handle the situation better than the other per se. Mothers; although not all, seem more vocal and expressive.

I recently met with a mom of a special needs daughter. Her story is very different than mine as well as her reactions to the challenges put before her. Honestly it was interesting. I like the mom, she’s very honest and straightforward. Good qualities. However due to the extreme differences in challenges we’ve each faced over the years I had a difficult time relating to her life. We had extreme differences in challenges we faced with our respective children.

I’ve met parents whose special needs child is their only child or their last/youngest child. It makes me wonder, if Tommy and I were aware of what we were to face in raising Thomas, would we have stopped having children at least after Alyssa (our second); and missed out on the joy of our Lelly? Missed out on Samantha?I’m fairly certain we are a rarity with our oldest being special needs.

I’m so grateful for my girls and their typical-ness. They allowed me into a world I would never have known first hand if they weren’t our children. I advocated for them when needed, however it was night and day compared to advocating for Thomas. Like I couldn’t understand why I was fighting so freaking hard to have Lelly NOT hang her jacket in a stupid crowded closet during winter. I was trying to avoid yet another horrid case of lice for crying out loud. To appease me the principal had the teacher clean out a closet used for storage for my Lelly to hang her jacket in. Her’s alone. Oh. My. Gosh!! I found that effin’ hysterical!

All our journeys are individual with similar experiences overlapping here and there. I’m forever grateful for my people who walked with me when they could, and those who provided never ending support. Thomas is 29 years old. The journey is not over.

I remember when Thomas was 3 years old he had aged out of Early Intervention services (speech and physical therapy) and was entitled to attend special ed pre-school. I had a list of pre-schools and set up tours. It was so so hard. My mom came with me. I remember crying at one tour. Everyone was very nice, the school was very clean, the director was pleasant and knew every child’s name…nothing “wrong” with the school. Except me. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was not supposed to be choosing a “special ed” pre-school.

I had to got over it and I did. This wasn’t about me. I picked a school. Bussing was set up and Thomas was too big for the car seat on the bus. I freaked out big time and wouldn’t allow them to sit him on the bus seat strapped in with a seat belt. So I drove him. Across the island smack dab in the middle of AM traffic. Big mistake. I got over the seat belt debacle and Thomas took the bus.

There’s so many milestones for so many different kids. Alyssa met every single milestone like she read a child growth and development textbook. But in Tommy and my eyes she was simply amazing. Thomas had his own timeline and that was ok. I wanted to hug the occupational therapist for teaching Thomas how to tie his shoes! I had not a clue for how to tackle that.

Thomas began talking at age 4. We were living in NJ and I can only credit the amazing speech therapist he had. Thomas is speech impaired but he is verbal. And manages to communicate fairly well. We were so happy when Thomas began talking, however we now had to watch our mouths around him, he was a little parrot lol.

When Lelly came around she was an awesome baby, very smiley. And my smallest at 7.5 pounds. We called her the feel good baby since she smiled so much and my sister gave her the nickname “Lelly bird” because she was tiny compared to Thomas and Alyssa at birth. She absolutely had her own agenda. Walking at 11 months, climbing out of the crib at 15 months. Omg.

Thomas attended special education in a regional school district. He totally should have been placed in District 75, all special education school. To this day I have no idea why this wasn’t done for him. As parents we had no idea what District 75 was or that it even existed; what it was about, nothing. One more secret to uncover when you have a special needs child. Everything was an effin’ secret back in the day. When we were finally told about District 75…by our neighbor whose son in law worked at a D75 school here on the island. That’s what it took for us to find out. Unreal and only something God could do.

For once I was not mourning what should have been or what wasn’t supposed to be this way for Thomas. We found an amazing school here where we live! 15 minutes from our house! Thomas attended vocational classes, was part of the school community and had amazing teachers and therapists. I really, really enjoyed his time at Hungerford. He learned practical things like safety when cooking. He was out in the community often! It was a happy, peaceful time for us. Great memories.