Thirty years ago while honeymooning in Hawaii, Tommy and I were laying on the beach talking about how beautiful Maui was, the beach was amazing, we couldn’t believe we were there and married.
I moved in with Tommy about 6 months before we were married. I never pretended we were married during that time. Then finally the day arrived. To recite vows in church; witnessed by family and friends; changes you. It did me. I felt so connected to Tommy, legally connected in a way, but not in a bad/restricted manner. More like public/declaration. A marriage license is so much more than a piece of paper.
Getting back to Maui; I was just pregnant with Thomas and we wondered what he would be like. Of course we didn’t know he was a boy or any other details at the time. We imagined returning to Hawaii for our 20th anniversary and “the baby” would be 19. Would we be able to, would there be other children, after this one? We did not plan on 4. More like 3. However as much as one likes to believe they are in control, we are not. We make choices but that doesn’t mean we make the best choices or the outcome of those choices is what you expect.
Tommy and I had to make choices for Thomas that would affect the whole family. I was talking to someone today about when Tommy and I met Thomas’ first psychiatrist in Manhattan. Thomas was almost 6 years old. The doctor gave us his diagnosis and his recommended medications. We did not take this lightly. The doctor told us to discuss the situation and call him in a week or so with our decision. Then he said, “I hope you don’t think if you don’t do anything, if you don’t put Thomas on medication that you haven’t made a choice. You have made the choice to do nothing.” That resonated with me then and still does.
I don’t spend much time ruminating over decisions Tommy and I have made. There’s no point. I do wish we were never put in the situations we experienced. “We did the best we could with what we knew. When we knew more, we did better” as per Maya Angelou.
Menay O; mom to 4, Christian and thrift shopper on the side... 