While raising my kids I never planned too far ahead for them. Of course I would think about what schools they/the girls would attend next such as junior high and then high school. Most of my time was split between what was best for Thomas and what was best for Alyssa and Lelly since the three of them are a package deal due to their closeness in age.

I didn’t try to plan their adulthood is what I’m saying. I did not feel that part of their lives was mine to plan. I never thought, oh that Alyssa will be xyz; or of course Lelly will be abc! Thomas; yes. I had to plan. When Thomas was 12 years old I was encouraged by experienced parents to ensure he was on “the group home list” with the Office of Persons with Developmental Disabilities. It was confirmed that he was already on the list, placed by a former care coordinator with my permission. That was one of the best choices made for Thomas. To not worry about who will provide care for him after Tommy and I are gone.

Alyssa and Lelly attended the neighborhood public grammar school, without much drama. I am not a fan of drama, the PTA, or mothers with perfect children. When Lelly was 5 years old Samantha arrived. She was a joy, a sweet baby and I was so happy to have her. Side note: no we did not “plan” on having 4 children; however all of our children were planned and very wanted.

So everyone grew up, raised similar but not the same. They weren’t all the same child. Same genetic gene pool, different people. The first time I heard the phrase; “the days are long but the years are short.” I almost fell over. So, so freaking true. There were some days that seemed to never freaking end. Meanwhile other days were over in a flash.

Alyssa finished high school after the usual 4 years. On to college. She graduated college in four years with her bachelors degree. My Alyssa is amazing, determined and talented. Alyssa first chose a private college in Manhattan to attend. She was not happy there and transferred to a great city college. She graduated in four years and secured a job fairly quickly working in the field of her degree.

Lelly being Lelly talked her way to graduating high school a semester early. Began college a semester before her peers and then in true Lelly form; graduated college after three and a half years instead of 4. She came into this world in her own fast way and has not let anything get in her way since. She chose a state college with affordable tuition. Both girls made very smart and economical educational choices.

Tommy and I never told Alyssa, Daniella or Samantha what to do after high school. Alyssa and Lelly chose the college route. Samantha chose a vocational route. They all worked so very hard to compete their education. We could not be more proud of our now adult children and the choices they individually made.

Yesterday afternoon we said goodbye to Brant, a man we have known over 30 years. He died suddenly, and even though we hadn’t spoken in a while the news hit hard. Harder than I thought it would. Brant was very close to us during very trying times in our life. When Thomas was about 3 years old, I received news in the most cold hearted manner from a “professional” that my son is mentally retarded. Of course I was upset and came home crying. Brant was already at my house with Tommy. As soon as I entered the kitchen I was told to get my bag, we were going to the movies and Tommy was staying home with the kids. We saw “American Pie.” It was a great time.

Yesterday was sad. Actually the days leading up to yesterday were actually sadder because of the processing and realization that Brant is gone. Memories come back in a flood. You’re careful what you talk about because you know you’ll cry. Brant took the ride with me to Westchester one of the times we had to hospitalize Thomas. Tommy was working and my mom was watching the girls. Brant was so good like that. It didn’t matter that the hospital was an hour and a half away. I saw the sign for a Nordstrom Rack store on the way home. I just looked at Brant and he was like, “of course we’ll stop Menay, you need a new pair of shoes.”

That’s just one of the many times he was there for us, no questions asked. And I know many of our friends have had the same experience when it came to Brant. The funeral was so, so bittersweet. Saying good bye and at the same time seeing faces you haven’t seen in many years. Reminiscing about the good times, the way we all communicated without cell phones. How we knew where to find each other. The keg parties and of course the wonderful lack of proof that it all happened since not everyone brought a camera and social media did not exist. There are pictures of course. A lot of us have them. I do miss those days, but I wouldn’t want to relive them in today’s world.

It’s odd how you see people you rarely if ever see anymore; unless there is a sad gathering. One of the guys I was friends with years ago was pretty wild back in the day. And we reminisced and laughed at the jokes we had and stealing a bread delivery at 5am on a random Sunday. One of our friends, Mike asked me how long Tommy and I have been married. I answered “30 years”. He then said, and how long were you together before that? Before I could answer Mike called Tommy and I the “OG couple” I found that totally funny.

My kids grew up with Uncle Brant in their lives. He helped us a ton watching the girls when Thomas had an appointment. I didn’t mention that Brant was over 6 feet tall, weighing an easy 250lbs at least, maybe more I’m terrible with estimates. My kids loved him. I have to admit it was really funny to introduce the girls’ boyfriends to Brant when they were at the house. The look on the young man’s face was usually priceless. Brant didn’t need to speak a word, he simply stood tall, behind them.

I hope you’re resting in peace Brant.