God

And Poof! She’s 10.

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It’s summer so it’s time for yet another one of my kids’ birthdays. The birthdays start in April with Lelly and peak in July (Thomas, Tommy and Alyssa) and end in August with  Samantha. Samantha’s due date was July 31st with her arrival being August 1st.  When I was pregnant with Samantha and she didn’t arrive on the 31st, my sister said she wanted her own birthday month.

I won’t say I can’t believe Samantha is 10. I do believe it. Being the youngest of all my children she’s probably the one I feel most present in her life. My first 3 children were closer in age to each other and with the added stress of undiagnosed Thomas some things are a blur with the older kids. Thankfully they have great memories and love to share things that happened when they were younger. Things that I seriously don’t remember. Not bad memories, just the opposite; happy times or silly things they did and my reaction. I do wonder if it’s the meds or the stress of the past that screws with my memory.

So she’s 10. Twelve  years ago I was getting over 2 miscarriages and wondering if I’d ever have another baby. God was so good.  The biblical meaning of the name Samuel is “God has heard” so it was only fitting that I named her Samantha. God did hear me and answered yes. When I learned we were having another girl I immediately thought, “no big deal we already have experience with Alyssa and Lelly”. Ha! Samantha is not like her sisters at all. She definitely walks to the beat of her own drummer preferring video games to dolls and challenging her teachers and authority figures. Things her sisters would have no part in when they were her age. Samantha was in the principals office when she was in pre-k!  Oh my gosh I wanted to die. What the heck?? Yes Samantha is definitely her own person.

I remember after I gave birth, Thomas was 10 years old. My bff said, “OMG when Samantha is 10, Thomas will be 20!”  That seemed like eons ago. And here we are. Thomas is 20. It’s amazing how fast and excruciatingly slow time can pass all at the same time. I hope to be present for the next 10 years not just for Samantha but for all my kids. They are all amazing people.

It’s a done deal…so far

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My boy is coming back here to live in the group home we’ve looked at that is 15 minutes from our house! Last week the agency sent two workers to Thomas’ school to screen him to make sure he is a good match with the other residents of the group home. I spoke to Thomas’ social worker and she raved about him and his fantastic manners. I was so proud; I then spoke with the owner of the agency (who owns the group home) and his exact words were, “They met Thomas, they fell in love…he’s in” I would love to say I wasn’t surprised but I was. Not surprised that they would fall in love with my son, he has a great personality and is in fact quite likable, but surprised that all in all this process went very smooth.

In fact this whole scenario has God’s fingerprints all over it. If I hadn’t started the bible study group for Mom’s of special needs children and hadn’t asked Trish to be my co-leader; if I hadn’t mentioned to Trish the pressure I was under to submit to Thomas living in a group home in Brooklyn; if Trish never gave me the phone number of the owner of the agency; if I never called the owner and found out he indeed had an opening at a group home here in this borough…Thomas wouldn’t be going where he’s going.

It all starts with the bible study. A way for mom’s of special needs children to get together and glorify God while having camaraderie with other women going through similar life circumstances.  It all starts with God. The way it should be. He is first. It didn’t hurt at all that I had people from my church family praying for us, praying for Thomas to be placed in that group home. Prayer is so powerful. Praying to the God that loves us.

I have to say that I’ve seen God move so plainly and openly when it came to Thomas. I do believe that every prayer I’ve had for Thomas has been answered, not always in the way I wanted but in the way that was best for him and best for my family. His ways are higher than ours and God’s timing is always perfect. This group home placement is an answer to prayer. The timing is perfect and I know God will make way for a place for Thomas in whatever program that will be great for him after he leaves the residential school.

You have to have faith.

Doing more

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I’ve been thinking about my job lately.  I really like what I do but I’ve been wondering is there more I could be doing with myself? This job right now is part time. I wanted more hours and I was given a few more hours, but now I want even more. What do I want to do?  Stay in nursing for sure. This is coming from  someone who for years stayed as far away from that profession as I could.  It is what I was trained to do all those years ago and it is what I’m more than likely to get to get a job as. I have no desire to return to school and be trained for anything else.  I have changed. I’m no longer the anxiety riddled mess I was years ago. I have more self confidence. I don’t feel like I am hiding from being a nurse anymore.

I truly believe God has a plan for me. I’ll be praying for guidance and direction. And he won’t let me down. The most difficult is waiting on His timing. God’s timing is often different than ours but His timing is best.

I’ll soon be on the hunt. The upside is I’m enjoying what I’m doing while searching. Not a position I’ve seen myself in often.

Time flying

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I think about how fast time flew by while raising my children, well still raising 2 and will always be a guardian to one. My Lelly is 15 years old.  She was my “baby ” for the five years between her and Samantha. It’s funny because even after I had Lelly and things were so, so frantic with Thomas undiagnosed I didn’t feel “done”. If anyone asked I always answered that I’d have another. Then I would get the side eye glance but I didn’t care. Don’t ask if you don’t want an honest answer, not that it was anyone’s business anyway.

So anyway time flying by…I see and meet so many first time moms and young families at my work. Of course I remember myself in their shoes and I didn’t believe anyone who said “enjoy them… time goes by really fast”.  I distinctly remember when Thomas a baby and I wanted time to stop. I enjoyed him as a baby so much maybe because he was our first? Probably.  Before the crap hit the fan with neurologist visits, moulding helmet fittings, MRI’s, early intervention, physical therapy, etc… Our life with Thomas was incredibly sweet. He was a great baby, he smiled a lot, napped on schedule and was all around an easy, happy baby.  I knew I wanted more kids after him.

So here we are 20 years and 3 more kids later. The magic of being that young family long gone. And that’s ok. I do like our life now. My husband and I communicate better now than we did in our younger years, my kids are for the most part independent; Samantha being almost 10 is busting out to be as independent as we will let her. Now I feel totally “done” and I’m enjoying this stage of of life. I have no desire to go back to the days when my kids were young. Being on that roller coaster once was enough.  Being so “done” makes me enjoy my job all the more. I get to see these little babies, sometimes hold them, most times coo and talk to them and enjoy toothless smiles and then give them back to their parents or wave goodbye after we’re finished.

I like the young families I get to visit with. I do tell them to watch out because time does go so fast. They nod as I nodded way back then not fully understanding that time will fly and fly fast. That that baby they’re holding will grow up in what seems like it’s taking forever some days and other days your head is spinning with the quickness of it all. There have been a few times at work I’ll stumble upon a special needs mom and we immediately bond. That is by far the coolest I’ve ever experienced. I know for that moment I’m in the midst of the planning that God made possible.

 

 

 

 

 

Work and “the city”

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I was in the city yesterday for work. I had such a great day at work. I met really nice people and the babies who came in to get their ears pierced were adorable and each did really well with the procedure. One family even brought me the most delicious piece of crumb cake sealed in a plastic single serving container. I just looked at them wide eyed and said, “No way…Thank you!”. They were a great family besides the cake, very down to earth and they loved cracking jokes.

I love being in the city. I love the anonymity you have walking down the street. I’ve been thankful that I’ve had nothing but uneventful visits to Manhattan except this one time last week when I was walking from the R train to the Ferry Terminal. I had a sweater thrown over the opening of my bag. This guy on a bicycle came flying by; caught his handle bar on my sweater and then he flew over his bike and did an awesome tucked up somersault to the ground. It was as if he had lessons on falling off his bike. Someone screamed, I froze and watched the whole thing. I asked the guy if he was alright (he literally jumped back to his feet after the somersault) and told him he was caught on my sweater. He said, “Well…it’s very windy out” which it was but still… He said he was fine and we were both on our way. Definitely odd and eventful.

I really don’t mind the commute to the city for my job. I love meeting people from literally all over the world. NYC is definitely a melting pot. I’ve met so many parents from many different cultures and their children are simply beautiful coming from such an array of backgrounds. I’ve also learned and/or picked up on how different cultures act towards each other and their children and that’s interesting. Nothing bad or adverse, just different depending on the culture. When these parents meet me it’s for a specific purpose and I’m kind of chatty so I’ll get them talking too most of the time. There are quite a few first time parents who are so nervous my heart goes out to them. I remember being in their shoes.

I’ve applied to quite a few part time jobs. I don’t necessarily want to leave my job I do like it there and I really like my boss. I simply want more money. I would love even more hours at this current job even though have been given another day. I have a suspicion that I’m exactly where God wants me to be right now. I’ve heard nothing back from over 10 jobs I’ve applied for. Maybe my resume needs a tune up, yes I’m sure it does.

I go back to work in a couple of days. Hopefully this heat wave will break and my commute will be even better with great weather. The ferry is always breezy being on the water, the subway platforms on the other hand can be quite brutal. Even so I still don’t mind. I get to visit and walk the greatest city on Earth and be a part of the living breathing population of NYC.

 

It’s getting real…

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Yesterday I received a phone call from the agency that owns the group home that we are interested in for Thomas. They wanted to visit him at his school and also have Thomas visit the group home himself to ensure he is a good match. My heart stopped for a minute. Then I realized I’m nervous for him. This will be a big transition. And I have to say this is the first time I’ve been anxious for Thomas to make such a big change. All the other times he’s had to be living in residential we were in crisis mode. Thomas wasn’t safe to be around. Today he’s a different person, the residential school he’s been in has literally been a Godsend; an answer to prayer for him and us. The Lord made it happen for this school to be “the one” for our family.

I’ve written about this before but when we were waiting for Thomas to be admitted to residential 4 years ago, this school was the only one who called me back. I had been calling all the schools on the “list” where his packet was sent by the Board of Ed. and I was discouraged because either no one was calling me back or the ones that did call me back weren’t appropriate for my son. Things were not pleasant here at home, and Thomas was in and out of the psych hospital. Finally one morning after I dropped Samantha at school and went for a walk I came home to the phone ringing. I didn’t want to answer it but forced myself to. It was the school that was to become Thomas’ home for the next 4 years. Turns out they were looking at IQ scores from years ago and they thought Thomas was too high functioning for them. I quickly corrected their error and they were then reviewing the most current evaluations for Thomas. Long story short, Tommy and I visited the school and we loved it. After a couple of bumps in the road Thomas was admitted and we’ve all been happy with Thomas there for the past 4 years. The staff has been wonderful and attentive, his teacher (the same one since day one) has gone out of his way to encourage only the best from my son.

So now the transition begins. I’m still in awe at how the Lord works. He arranged for Thomas to be placed where he is now and His fingerprints are all over this group home placement. I just happened to mention to my bible study co leader that I was being pressured to accept group home placement in other boroughs. Trish then gave me the phone number of the group home agency, I explained to him our situation and the next thing I knew Tommy and I were visiting a group home 10 minutes from our house! When the Lord has a plan there is nothing that will stand in His way. And the way He orchestrates events is nothing short of mind blowing.

So now things are getting real. There are meetings to be had concerning Thomas’ school placement for his last year of being educated by the Board of Ed. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to enroll and pay for him to attend public school as opposed to residential school. Things won’t happen overnight, but I’m sure I’ll be surprised at how fast and quick time will pass and I’ll pray for Thomas to make a smooth transition and be as resilient as ever when he moves from one residence to another.

She’s 18

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My Alyssa, my YaYa (nickname courtesy of Daniella), our Deedle (nickname courtesy of Thomas). Whatever we call her we’re so proud of her. She made it through high school while enrolled in a very difficult honor’s program, the International Baccalaureate Program or simply “IB”. I hardly heard her complain about the work, she is one my children that never made it our business that she had a project or paper due, she just did her work and I see Daniella following in her footsteps.

So Alyssa is legally an adult, legal to get any piercing, tattoo or other body adornment. I won’t stop her if she does decide to do any of the above, I will however give my opinion and any pearls of wisdom from first hand experience, asked for or not. I’m optimistic she will make “good” choices.

I can remember the day she was born like it was yesterday the way we all can reminisce about that day for any of our children. I chose to not have the epidural and looking back I know I didn’t need it. My labor was pretty short and the delivery was very quick. When the midwife announced “It’s a girl!” I was in shock of disbelief. My husband is one of 3 boys so I figured I’d never have a girl.  Alyssa was so pink! And everyone who stopped by to see me exclaimed that she was so pretty. (I used to work at the hospital I gave birth in, I had many visitors of former co-workers). I thought everyone was just being “nice” but when I looked back at photos I knew they were telling the truth.She really was a pretty baby.

So now she’s 18 years old. She’s still has a pink complexion and she’s still pretty. Stunning if you ask me but I’m prejudiced. I see some of my husband in her face and she certainly did not inherit her long, ridiculously thick hair from me. She carries herself with grace and is one to dress pretty modestly. I can’t think of one instance where I made her change her clothes before going out or going to school. Adolescence/tween years were not fun; in fact I even called my mother to apologize for my own behavior at that age. Thankfully that time was short lived and by age 14 or so she was back to being our Yaya. Alyssa loves the Lord and isn’t afraid to openly worship Him. I love when she picks me up from work and she’s listening to Christian music, it makes my heart happy.

I wish for the world to be kind to this new adult, this young woman of mine; well mine for now.

And just like that…

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And just like that today my boy turns 20. What’s sweet is that I have friends who remember me pregnant and remember my son when he was born. My husband and I have a good friend who is a big guy, we’re talking 6’3″ approximately and he’s no skinny drink of water. When we brought Thomas home from the hospital and Thomas would sit in that bouncy chair, our friend would pick up the whole chair with Thomas in it to see him. I’m guessing he wasn’t comfortable holding a small baby. It was so funny and the memory still  makes me smile.

And just like that my son was this happy, smiley baby. I love to think back and remember what he was like before the proverbial crap hit the fan. Before all the doctors and specialists, trips to Manhattan, MRI, CAT scan…When Thomas  and Tommy and I were our own little family. Optimistic and happy and close and together. Because Thomas was such a good baby we took him everywhere. I remember my inlaws were dying to babysit but I wouldn’t leave him, I never felt I had to. Thomas made me grow up. He made me a mom and me made me an advocate. He made me who I am today.

And just like that my son grew up. He went from baby to toddler to little boy, and so on. He wasn’t an easy child to parent but we did the best we could with what we knew. Tommy and I weren’t perfect I’ll never say we were.

And just like that Thomas is 20. He’s still easy going in his own way and when he smiles he makes you feel like a million bucks. He’s still teaching me ways to grow and I’m still learning.

Church

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This past Sunday I attended the church my sister belongs to. It’s an Episcopalian church much like the one we grew up in. The building was absolutely gorgeous with beautiful stone and wood structure and the most amazing stained glass windows especially those at the altar. The altar itself was lovely. I really enjoyed the priest, he wasn’t so serious he that he would be unapproachable, yet serious enough that you knew he meant what he said especially during his sermon.

I couldn’t help but compare “my” church to this one. We don’t have a fancy altar nor do we have stained glass windows.  I wouldn’t even say we have a traditional altar per se, it’s more of a stage where the musicians and singers are set up and the Pastor speaks. High on the end wall hangs a simple cross. When I first started attending my church I was taken aback by all the musicians and singers on the “altar”. But I quickly got over it once the music and singing started. We sing contemporary Christian songs with older hymns thrown in here and there such as “That Rugged Cross” and “Amazing Grace” there are more (I am a friend of God) but I’m not so familiar with them to name them so quickly. I love our music worship time. To sing and worship our Lord in language that comes so easily to the tongue…it’s something that is wonderful and heartfelt.

The Episcopalian church has a formality to it. Stand, sing, sit, kneel, stand, sing again, sit, communion, etc…I’m sure there’s a particular order I’m just not used to it anymore. In my church we stand to sing and worship the Lord, we also stand in respect to reading a passage of the bible. It’s usually the passage the Pastor is going to preach on. Then we sit and our Pastor will preach for about 45 minutes to an hour, I’m guesstimating that time frame, I’ve never officially timed our Pastor. I really enjoy listening to and taking notes on our Pastor’s sermon. I like to go back and read what I’ve written and reminisce on the sermon and how it made me feel and how close to the Lord I felt. How much I felt in my heart that the Lord was speaking to me.

It was interesting to go back and attend an Episcopal church after attending my church for the past 8 years. I do prefer my church and our style of worship. To me it seems more heartfelt. I remember I tried to return to the Episcopal church I grew up in. But I left feeling empty, spiritually unfed. And they offered nothing for my children, barely a Sunday school and no youth groups or activities. My church has “kids church” every Sunday that my 9 year old attends and youth groups for middle and high schools. I love it. My older girls attended youth group and grew so much in their walk with the Lord because of those groups and their leaders.

I’m not bashing the Episcopal church I simply can’t help but compare what I have now to other worship styles. Especially after attending service so recently. I realize every church has their own style and customs, some dating back years and years. This post is not to disrespect any church that does things differently than mine does.

 

 

Graduation Today!

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My Alyssa is graduating high school today. Today. She’s thisclose to turning 18 years old. I don’t wonder where the time went I was there I know how fast it all flew by. It wasn’t always flying by so fast there were days of excruciating slowness but I don’t remember them in detail so much. Much like labor pains those memories fade.

Alyssa is much like an oldest child rather than 2nd born. She was our first girl and our first typical child. I remember her as an infant (such a pretty baby even as a newborn), then toddler. In Pre-K she was the pretty little girl with long curls who clung to her mother’s leg and cried and cried. Grammar school graduation was sweet, Junior high grad was even sweeter. High school years that went so fast I stand in amazement at the woman she’s become in the past 4 years.

I feel incredibly blessed this morning. Blessed that my God has given me the privilege to raise this baby He gifted me with. I sit here holding back proud tears and remember all the times she’s made me proud, all the times she gave me the honor of being her mother. Even the times she made me want to rip my hair out.  In gifting her to me, God gave me the opportunity to parent a very typical, very beautiful, very unique child.

While raising Thomas I often referred to the poem “Welcome to Holland” by Emily Pearl Kingsly:  (http://www.our-kids.org/archives/Holland.html). There were too many times to mention that I mourned the fact that I didn’t sign up to be a special needs mom. That no, I did NOT want to be in Holland. Alyssa gave me the opportunity to visit “Italy”; the typical world, the world I thought I signed up for when I first became a mother. And for that I can never thank her enough. I don’t even know if she’d understand why I would be thanking her.

So I wish my girl all the best this world has to offer. She loves God and she loves me. What more could I ask for?