God

Keeping the faith

MenayOLeave a comment

I have to say when I was at my lowest during my depression is when I would feel so far from God.  I wasn’t angry with him but it was difficult to pray and worship, but…once I started it was wonderful and I would remember how much I wanted to praise Him and thank The Lord for literally holding me up because I know I wasn’t standing on my feet due to my own strength.   I listen to contemporary Christian music when I’m home and especially in the car.  Those songs were gentle reminders of the grace our Lord has gifted to us as well as reminding me I wasn’t as useless and a loser as I thought I was.  That God The Father does love me.  

There was one particular time I was on my way to visit Thomas at the hospital. I was by myself for the 2 hour ride and found a Christian radio station that broadcasted sermons about a half hour long each. I believe this was either just before or just as I was starting to see Nancy and Dr. L. The Pastor on the radio was talking about suicide. That some religions believe you will go to hell if you commit suicide. This Pastor didn’t believe that instead he talked about how your body is a gift from God and how could you destroy that gift? He kept enforcing our body was this “gift” and you don’t destroy something from God. I can honestly say this Pastor saved my life. I was such a mess at that time and kept it all to myself, I didn’t have the words and everything seemed overwhelming. I believed friends and family were afraid of me that they didn’t know what to say to me. My dearest friend Jackie called me when it seemed I was feeling so alone. Every. Time. That was The Lord directing her. No doubt about it.

Every day my husband would text me, morning and afternoon to make sure I was “ok”. When I was with my husband was the only time I felt “safe”. He still texts me every morning.

One of the women I used to attend Bible study with called me just about every week to say hello and ask how I was. Many times I could barely answer her to say “I’m fine” or I would start crying. I’ve told her she helped save my life with those short, weekly phone calls. She was absolutely being guided by the Holy Spirit and I’ll never be able to thank her enough.

Cheryl the pastor’s wife told me she had me in her prayers when I never even knew it.

The Lord was with me, holding me up when I needed him to. He sent radio Pastors and friends long distance and close by to let me know I was not alone. He gave me a thoughtful husband. All the little things add up and can only equal the work of Him.

The Sail School

MenayOLeave a comment

So after finding out there was another boy vying for this one open space, Tommy and I were frustrated. We came home and I called Cheryl, the Pastors wife and she prayed for us. About a week or so later Admissions Woman called and made an appointment to bring Thomas up to the school. To say we were hopeful is an understatement.

We arrive and we were met by Admissions Woman and another staff member. For the life of me I can’t remember her name or title. They did a mini assessment of Thomas, asked a few questions and then they asked Tommy to take Thomas out of the room so they could talk to me. It was then I was informed that the other boy had filled the available opening. My face froze, I didn’t know what to say. All I thought of was now I have to explain this to my husband. That he took a day off work for nothing. I couldnt speak, couldn’t even ask them why they had us come there knowing there were no open spots? I thanked them for their time and headed to my husband and son, both waiting in the car. I told Tommy and he was angry. I didn’t blame him. This was in May, 2012.

Fast forward to June, 2012. Admissions woman calls me and says there will be an anticipated opening the end of June. Praise God and endless thanks to our church family for all their prayers. This is perfect timing because Thomas was just admitted to the hospital for aggression towards me. I was given an estimated date of admission to the school. Thomas was discharged from the hospital and we had 2 weeks to get through before the admission to the Sail school. We tried to prepare Thomas the best we could he already knew what is was like to live at a school away from home. My heart hurt even though I knew we couldn’t go on living like this. Thomas went to bed and I stayed with him until he went to sleep, staring at this young man, my child, my first. I cried.

Once again I had to mark my son’s clothes and socks with his initials. I don’t remember much except I did it. The day of admission arrived and I went alone with Thomas. Tommy had to work, he was the only person I would have wanted to go with. I didn’t want to make small talk with anyone or talk period. It was a Thursday. I left the house around 2 pm and there was decent traffic on the George Washington Bridge. It took us at least another hour to arrive. We were late.

When we entered the Sail school we were met by a staff manager, Admissions Woman, and the nurse. Everyone was wonderful. Thomas refused to leave my side for a look around or a tour. I had a ton of paperwork to read and sign, make sure they had his IEP for school, make sure they know due to his meds Thomas needs sunscreen, etc… After a while Thomas grew bored and agreed to go outside to the playground with a staff member. Before I could speak the word “sunscreen” the staff had already put it on Thomas.

One of the hardest things I had to do was give the Nurse Thomas’ meds. I handed over his clothes with no problem but to hand over the medications was really laying down and admitting I couldn’t have him at home anymore. To me handing over his meds was the equivalent of handing them my son and with him my complete trust. The nurse was wonderful and understood when I told her how difficult this was.

After a while there was nothing left to do but go home. All the papers were signed, they had his meds, I gave the school the history they wanted…it was time to leave. I said goodbye to Thomas. He became upset and started crying, I held back tears and after many hugs and goodbyes I left. I ran to my car crying. I sat there. I called Tommy but I don’t remember what we said to each other. After I calmed down I drove home, by myself and I listened to Christian contemporary music.

The next day my stomach became upset and I was sick for 3 days. I cried and cried those 3 days. The Lord was with me as he made sure the girls stayed occupied so I could be sick and cry in peace.

/p>

Residential school (again)

MenayOLeave a comment

As I was spiraling from depression, Thomas’ packet had been sent out to state approved residential schools, about 12-13 schools.  Weeks go by and we had heard nothing from any of the schools Tommy and I were like, WTH?  I called the contact person at the Board of Education multiple times and I did not receive a call back. Unbelievable IMO. Finally after speaking with a community board member who called on my behalf did I receive a return phone call. The woman said we had to wait for the schools to contact us. Fine.

I got tired of waiting and went down the list making phone calls to the admissions department of every school his packet was sent to. Sometimes I spoke to a live person and they would tell me why Thomas wasn’t appropriate for their school or the school didn’t have a peer group for him, meaning the population didn’t include 16 year old boys at the same cognitive level as him.

While I appreciated the honesty of the schools I did speak to, I was starting to get worried, so was Tommy. We really needed a school for him and soon. One morning I came home from my walk after bringing Daniella and Samantha to school. The phone rang and I contemplated not picking it up. I was hot and sweaty from my walk, my mood sucked, etc… For whatever reason (God’s hand) I did pick up the phone and it was the admissions person from the Sail school. She told me Thomas wouldn’t be appropriate for that school because his IQ was too high for their population. I almost laughed and said, “What kind of population do you serve, my son’s IQ is in the high 40’s”. Turns out she was reading an old IQ report from when Thomas was younger. She said she was going to review his packet again and call me back.

A couple of hours later she did call me back and she also spoke to Thomas’ current school who confirmed the last IQ test was as I said. Admissions Woman asked if Tommy and I would like to tour the school. Of course we said yes.

We went without Thomas. Turns out the Sail school was literally a five minute drive from Andrus, the residential school Thomas attended when he was 8 yrs old until he was 11 yrs old. During the ride up there Tommy and I discussed that this was the only school we heard from that was interested in our son. We didn’t want to make our decision based on that fact. We had to make our decision as unbiased as possible and also face the possibility that this school may not be “the one” and we would be back at square one.

We met with Admissions Woman who was wonderful and so very knowledgable. The building is older and not the most modern but we both didn’t care. She gave us a tour of the bedrooms, while we were there the cleaning people were busy changing sheets and blankets, some delivering clean laundry and others gathering dirty laundry. There were also people mopping the floors it was impressive IMO. We then toured the school where medically fragile students attended as well as special needs students who required a small student to teacher ratio and more attention.

To be honest after seeing that school I was a little freaked out as those students were lower functioning than Thomas. I was afraid of Thomas being placed where he did not belong. Maybe this wasn’t the place for Thomas. We were then given a tour of the other school which is off the residential campus. It’s down the road about a 5 minute drive and the students are bused from the residence building. We saw the first classroom, met the teacher and her students and the para professional and immediately felt at home. The environment and atmosphere was so similar to the school Thomas was currently attending. I couldn’t believe it! We met the teacher and students of the other two classrooms and the feeling of familiarity was the same. I was so relieved!

Admissions Woman stepped away to give Tommy and I a chance to talk things over. We both agreed right there and then that we loved the school and wanted Thomas to attend. We told Admissions Woman this. She informs us then that there was another boy being considered for the one space they had available.

Revolving Door…

MenayOLeave a comment

As mentioned in my last post, Thomas was in and out of the hospital.   Admission, med change, discharge.  Rinse and repeat over and over.   We were lost Tommy and I, until the hospital psychiatrist and social worker recommended residential school. We weren’t surprised but it was still a shock. We knew it was our only option. Things could not continue this way, Thomas in and out of the hospital; then when he was home I was the target for his aggression.

There came another instance where I had to call an ambulance. That time they sent at least 4 police cars and then the EMT’S. This all took place one evening in my quiet neighborhood. I couldn’t stop crying and once again God stepped in. He is amazing. I needed someone to watch Samantha our youngest. My neighbor’s 18 yr old daughter was sitting on her front steps. I walked across the street and handed Samantha over to Meg and said, “Your Mom has my number tell her to call me.” Meg didn’t bat an eye, she nodded and walked to her house with my daughter. Alyssa was out with friends and Daniella was with another neighbor’s daughter and baby sitter. I saw the Dad and panicked saying, “Sean, Daniella is with your daughter and Marcy!” Sean replied, “I already called Marcy and told her to drive around a bit, to stay away right now.” I could not believe how wonderful my neighbors are. I truly believe The Lord intentionally placed us in this house in this neighborhood.

The result of that ambulance fiasco was the same as the first. I brought him home. Tommy picked us up as I had rode in the ambulance with Thomas. We drove home in silence. There was nothing to say.

Again, Thomas was hospitalized, 2 hours away. No other medication had the wonderful effect of stabilization as the one we had to discontinue. In the meantime I was writing letters and gathering documents and recommendations that Thomas attend residential school. I almost forgot, there were a couple of meetings thrown in there too.

We were prepared to hire a lawyer like the last time, but held off in the hope it wouldn’t be necessary. In the midst of this all I was fighting depression and struggling to find a therapist. I know in one of my former posts I mentioned Nancy and how she was in our lives. https://nayaudo.wordpress.com/2013/07/07/recent-thrift-finds-and-other-parts-of-my-life/

Again God placed someone exactely where I needed them. He knew I would need Nancy 9 years ago when I met her looking for help for Thomas. He knew years later I would need her for help for me.

After the meetings were attended and appropriate letters and letters of recommendation were mailed certified mail, Thomas was approved for residential school. It wasn’t necessary for us to hire a lawyer, thank God! What happens next is a central office sends out Thomas’ packet which is all his history and school information, IQ testing, IEP, etc…

I was told Thomas’ packet was sent to 12 schools.
 

My Church Family

MenayO1 Comment

I can’t write about the ambulance incident without mentioning my church family.  I emailed, Louise a dear friend who was running the Bible study I was involved in.  In the email I told her what had happened.  She  was wonderful and very supportive.  Louise then asked if Tommy and I would come to the Wednesday evening prayer time so the Pastor and anyone who comes could pray over us.  We found a friend to sit with the kids and Tommy and I went.  

When we arrived at the church we sat in a pew and I just cried and cried while praying.  I was giving thanks to The Lord.  After that whole fiasco I gave thanks.  For without Him I am nothing and I have nothing.  I was thankful for my husband that he is who he is.  I was thankful for all my children and I was thankful for the church.  At some time it occurred to me that God may not give us what we want but does give us what we need. I needed an ambulance and emergency workers so I was sent the most compassionate professional police and EMT’S that were working that day. I needed the courage to dial 911 for my out of control son, He gave me that courage.

After we all prayed separately we approached the alter and Pastor Paul gave the most heartfelt, incredibly touching prayer for us. His words were perfect and spot on. It turns out Louise didn’t tell Pastor Paul what happened, she forwarded my email to another Pastor at our church. Pastor Paul had no idea about the aggression and ambulance until prayer was over and Tommy told him. The Holy Spirit worked through him and gave him the words we needed.

To me our church family is nothing short of God’s work. To arrange the people who were virtual strangers before to be involved in our life is something only He can do with such perfection and grace.

Andrus Experiences

MenayOLeave a comment

In the middle of miscarriages and trying to create a typical household for our girls, we still had visits with Thomas. Us visiting him at Andrus and Thomas coming home every other weekend. Life was busy. There were also meetings with various professionals and therapists.

We were fortunate that the psychiatrist Thomas was assigned to was a woman who was wonderful. Dr. “Ellen” never talked down to me, never was patronizing and never made me feel blamed or responsible for Thomas’ behavior. In writing this I recognize The Father’s hand at work. It is no coincidence Thomas was assigned to Dr. Ellen.

Dr. Ellen was very kind when we first spoke. She appreciated my knowledge of all the medications Thomas had trialled without success. Once we agreed to try Thomas on an ADHD med he hadn’t tried yet. Thomas described to his teacher that pictures were “laughing at him”. I became alarmed and asked to stop the med and Dr. Ellen agreed. I was and still am grateful for her in our lives.

Thomas spent 3 years at Andrus. It was not always smooth sailing. There were more than a few incidents. One that comes to mind quickly was me getting a phone call that Thomas had been punched by another resident/student. The person on the other end of the phone didn’t know me and sounded fearful that I would be hysterical. I calmly asked what my son did to warrant getting punched? Lets face it, no child is perfect. It turns out Thomas kept stepping on the shoe of the boy walking in front of him. The boy told Thomas to stop repeatedly, Thomas did not stop so the boy punched Thomas and gave him one heck of a black eye.

Another incident was when Thomas threw a book at his teacher and hit her in the face. This teacher was wonderful and sweet! Oh my gosh, Tommy and I could not apologize enough. We were mortified! The teacher was incredibly gracious and and kept telling Tommy and I she was okay. After that Thomas received a lecture to end all lectures. We dug in, he was not raised that way, he could have really hurt her, we want him home but he has to work harder at controlling himself. Good gravy I can’t think of what we didn’t say to him. Incredibly after that, John the social worker did see a change for the better in Thomas.

What was somewhat amusing is we noticed even with Thomas’ speech impairment, if he cursed you understood him crystal clear. Go figure. I told this to John and he laughed. I returned the laugh, haha. Sure enough a week or so later Thomas was in a mood and when John greeted him Thomas replied, “asshole!” When John called to tell me I do believe I said I told you!

This is just some of what we encountered when Thomas was a resident at Andrus. There is more that I will address in future posts. I want to make it clear that The Lord was with us during this time. He hand picked the professionals who worked with Thomas and in turn worked with Tommy and I. I praise His Holy name.

A New Normal

MenayOLeave a comment

After admitting Thomas to Andrus things were not the same at home as one could well imagine.  I know I missed him.  I didn’t miss his behavior but I missed him. I missed Thomas being in my house, I missed my son. I know Tommy was going through his own grieving and missing Thomas. I don’t remember us talking much about how we felt at least not to each other, it was too hard. We knew why the other was in a “mood” or quiet or grumpy. We tried so hard not to take it out on each other and give the other space until we were able to talk this out. We knew all we had was each other, I was the only one in his world who knew how he felt and he was the only person in my world who knew how I felt. That’s not to say we didn’t get snippy here and there, please…no one is perfect.

The girls settled in to the new quiet house rather seamlessly. Funny how we went from constant state of chaos and not knowing when the next outburst would come to this dare I say, “typical” and predictable household. Yes the girls fought and bickered but it was so textbook, they were doing what they were supposed to do, not witnessing their brother be out of control.

I remember feeling like a fraud when I went out with Alyssa and Daniella. Like I was incomplete or missing something because Thomas wasn’t with us. Don’t get me wrong outings such as going to the zoo, shopping, even a trip to the corner store were now a heck of a lot easier. It felt odd though, like I was playing “pretend” in a life I was presenting to the public that was not the truth. I had 3 children not 2! So many times I wanted to yell, I also have a son! When people would see the girls and I out together and smile. I felt like a liar.

Andrus had rules for visits. I can’t remember exactely but I think it was no home visits for a month or so to encourage Thomas to acclimate to Andrus. I think my son is amazing and truely gifted by God in resilience. He allowed us to leave when he was admitted to Andrus. Plenty of tears mind you but he didn’t physically cling to us or scream or make it harder than it had to be on him or us. He also acclimated to Andrus in a remarkable way, he stepped right into the routine and loved wearing a uniform to school (Andrus is a private school that accepts payment from the NYC Bd. of Ed.). I was and still am in awe of this amazing gift my son possesses. I remember Thomas’ social worker, John and I discussing this. He too was impressed with Thomas’ ability to adapt.

John was a wonderful social worked, very open and honest. He was was a few years younger than Tommy and I, married with children. Somebody we could definitely relate to and he appreciated my blunt honesty. He was also a person with a positive attitude which to us was a breath of fresh air after all the hospitalizations and different doctors and frustrations we faced the whole year prior. I didn’t recognize before writing this that John was placed in our life by God. There’s no way our pairing was a coincidence or by chance. It was orchestrated and intentional by Him.

Honestly I am amazed and humbled at how The Lord was with us even though I didn’t ask Him to be. The Father’s love doesn’t have to be asked for, it just is.

Life goes on

MenayOLeave a comment

Thomas was accepted to the Andrus school.  Tommy and I were as happy as we could be with this news.  It still meant our son was going to live away from us.  We were so hopeful they would be able to help calm the aggression, help Thomas be more independent, hopefully lead into some sort of vocational training.  Yes I know he was only 8 years old but somewhere inside me I knew he wasn’t going to progress very far academically.  In retrospect The Lord presented me with that truth many years earlier.  

We had the date of admittance and also a list of suggested clothes and how many pairs or socks/underwear, seasonal appropriate clothing only due to lack of storage. We did however need to think ahead as summer can quickly turn to fall and Andrus is an hour north of us. I had purchased Thomas new socks and underwear and sat down on the floor in his room with a permanent marker all set to mark his initials on all his clothing. Writing “T.O.” on every piece of my son’s clothing hurt my heart. I held back tears until they couldn’t be held back anymore. I called Jackie, one of my best friends in Wisconsin for support. I seriously couldn’t believe I was doing this. I felt almost robotic at some points in time. Just doing what I was told, following directions so Thomas would have what he needed because I wasn’t going to be there.

We had already told Thomas about the school and that he would be living there. He was with us when we did all the visits over the summer so he was aware. Thomas walked in on me marking his clothes and he asked why? I explained that the staff would know his clothes because they all had a “T.O.” on them and I reinforced that he was going to live at the school. I remember he seemed okay with all this. I was a mess however.

The day arrived and Tommy and I drove Thomas to Andrus. Alyssa and Daniella came with us. They were able to see the cottage and know where he was going, nothing was to be a mystery. I remember meeting with the medical staff and I felt very defensive. I was instructed to bring with us all of Thomas’ medications. I did so and had to tell the nursing staff not to follow then directions on some of the prescription bottles due to dosages being changed by Dr.F. I knew Thomas’ dosages better than the back of my hand and relayed all of them. I also told the staff to call Dr. F. if they wanted to double check or hear the dosages and meds straight from his mouth. I know workers in this setting see all sorts of situations some are abuse cases and child protection is involved. However it was clear we were an intact family and I couldn’t help being as knowledgable about my son and his meds as I was. It was who I was at that time. I could answer just about anything about my boy concerning his diagnosis, medications, reactions to meds he tried and why they were stopped. You ask it, I could name it. I felt that the staff was looking at me sideways. Maybe I knew more than the average mother, I don’t know. At that time I felt as though every mother should know what I knew if the situation were similar. God gave Thomas to me to take care of and I was trying my best to not let Him down.

It was in the medical building we were to say goodbye to Thomas. It was difficult and tearful and heartbreaking and hard and necessary.

The Year Was 2004

MenayO1 Comment

So while Tommy and I were more than happy to say goodbye to the year of 2003, we had no idea what 2004 had in store for us. No clue that Thomas would be hospitalized at least 4 more times between February and May/June, 2004. Forgive me if my dates are off. I do have every discharge paper with Thomas’ name on it I’m just too lazy to look for them so I can be exact.

He was hospitalized mostly due to aggression. I was the main focus of the hitting and/or throwing things, occasionally one of the girls would be a target, in that case he was admitted immediately with little to no discussion other than a call to Dr. F. Thomas’ behavior at school was fine with no aggression. By this time I was used to this, if Thomas was having a difficult time at home or he was starting a new medication I would let the school know just to keep them in the loop. I never received any complaints from his teachers or therapists about Thomas behavior at school. Wait…I did receive a letter and phone call from his teacher that Thomas said a voice in his head was telling him to cut his fingers when they were using scissors. Of course I reported this to Dr. F immediately.

It was around this time that I finally decided enough was enough and it was time to leave our pediatrician. I was way past “the time” I should have left. She made it very clear she didn’t approve of Dr.F, would be snarky with me if I wanted to delay Daniella’s vaccinations (just delay not withhold). Her whole attitude was one that made me very uncomfortable and defensive. She somehow believed there wasn’t anything wrong with Thomas to the degree his father and I did. How could this go on? It couldn’t. My mom worked with this one pediatrician in the hospital (my mom was a nurse instructor with the staff education department) and she really liked her personally and professionally. I was skeptical of course. I made an appointment for Thomas when he was well so Dr. V could meet him and meet me when it wasn’t an urgent situation. I wanted to go over his medical, developmental and psychiatric history in a calm manner. I liked her a lot! Dr.V is from India, she’s very kind and very compassionate. She’s also conservative when it comes to referring us out to specialists, I really appreciate that. In the 10 yrs we’ve been with her I’ve complained about the lack of parking by her office but not about Dr. V as a physician or how she’s treated me which has been with nothing but compassion and respect.

So yes, Thomas was hospitalized no less than 4 times during the year of 2004 at the facility in Westchester NY, two hours from our house. This facility is very different from the traditional hospital Thomas was first admitted to. This place is set on acres and acres of land with many different buildings, there is a cafeteria building, administrative buildings, a medical building. Where the patients (or clients) are housed are cottages. Thomas was in the cottage for the youngest clients. Tommy and I liked the staff, they were very good with the kids and you could see that the children liked the staff. They did his laundry and allowed us to bring favorite foods. The day was very organized and similar to the traditional hospital setting there was school every day. Yes kids go to school in a psychiatric facility. I liked that, I mean you worry about so much when your child is hospitalized why do you also need to worry about them missing school?

I liked and respected the psychiatrist they assigned to Thomas. She was young and also a mother so she didn’t talk down to me. Unfortunately Thomas was very well behaved in the cottage even when his meds were lowered. It was clear the structured environment was wonderful for him. The psychiatrist was gracious enough to talk to Dr. F about meds and when Thomas was discharged it was usually with meds that Dr. F was conferred with.

The revolving door of admission and discharge was taking its toll on all of us. Our life was full of stress; running up to Westchester for visits, arrainging for my mom or dad for childcare, trying to have a semblance of a normal life for Alyssa and Daniella, Thomas still had weekly therapy with his therapist, Darlene who remained wonderful and supportive. We had an agency involved who was attempting to provide people to help Thomas in the home. Problem was, the agency people didn’t understand the severity of our situation. The service coordinator even suggested to me that perhaps Thomas needed residential school? I almost blew a gasket when she said that. Not because it was true and I didnt want to hear it, but because it was not her place to say that. Her job was to determine if services they provided were appropriate and available for my son. She had no business providing unasked for opinions. In those years I had a low tolerance for people like that and I let them (or their supervisors) know of my displeasure.

In the middle of all this I was given a crash course on how to get your child admitted to residential school. Oh my goodness, talk about your head spinning! Certified letters to the district, letters from the hospital, Dr. F, Darlene the therapist, etc… Who to send all this documentation to? Time lines the District are legally bound to follow, what if The Board of education refuses and says they will not pay for very expensive residential school? Tommy and I were instructed to retain an education lawyer, thank God we were in a position to do so. The lawyer came highly recommended by Nancy my present therapist.

I look back and I’m still amazed to see the Hand of God at work. I was led to people who helped me and expected nothing in return. There’s no way I could have walked that path without God paving my way even when I didn’t recognize his glorious work.

Off Meds!!

MenayOLeave a comment

Thomas was discharged shortly before Christmas.  I mentioned the doctors in the hospital had stopped the meds that control aggression and lowered the dose of the mood stabilizing medication.  The Christmas holiday went well, I was looking forward to the holiday and the kids enjoying new toys to keep them busy during the school break, yet I was so worried about Thomas and the meds being discontinued.  Tommy had to work, he had already taken unexpected time off to attend meetings and visit Thomas while he was hospitalized.  

I remember the day after Christmas was when Thomas started acting odd.  It was around 11am and he refused to get dressed.  I had no real plans to go out or anything but we’re not a “stay in your pajamas all day” kind of family (unless you’re sick).  Instead of getting dressed Thomas took off his pajama shirt and walked around in his pajama pants with no socks and cleaned my dining room table over and over and over.  I didn’t know what to make of this.  He kept scrubbing the tile top table, go back in the kitchen to rinse out the sponge and start over again.  I may have gotten him to eat lunch and then get dressed but he cleaned my table for a good hour I’d say. He also became very worried about how his things were in his room.  Shoes had to be lined up just so, no one was permitted to move his shoes unless Thomas himself were the one moving them.  I wondered if he was developing OCD now??  Turns out this behavior was anxiety related to the mood disorder that wasn’t being treated appropriately now that the meds were all “off”

The next few days are a blur of wild behavior from Thomas. He was not aggressive towards the girls at all. But he didn’t know what to do with himself. I asked my parents to come over to help me out not that any of us knew what to do. At least the company was nice. When my parents were here Thomas started running around the house. Our house is the type where you can walk in a circle: living room, kitchen, dining room; back to the living room. He ran this route over and over and over. My Dad and I just watched in amazement and worry, why?? Finally my Dad caught Thomas on his way around. He seemed to be on a happy mission to run and determined to do so. I remember my mom talking to him and she managed to stop the running.

On December 30: I only remember the date because the next day was New Year’s Eve, Tommy was home so this must have been after work/late afternoon. Thomas started having a fit and came after me hitting and punching me. I have no idea what started it but Thomas then grabbed the silverware drawer and pulled the whole thing out from the kitchen base cabinet. Crash! The drawer fell to the floor. I remember the girls were in the living room and stayed there. Thomas then ran to the other side of the kitchen and Tommy caught him for fear he would hit me again. My son’s eyes were glassy and he was so, so angry and upset. He hit Tommy repeatedly and thrashed around trying to escape his father’s hold on him. We didn’t know what to do. I did not want to call an ambulance as I had no faith in the psychiatric units at our local hospitals, we had no doctors orders to give any meds to calm him down and Dr.F was still on vacation. We had called the hospital that discharged him and they said to “bring him back”.

Finally with Tommy holding him, Thomas calmed down enough for Tommy to get him ready for bed. We talked things over and decided this couldn’t go on, tomorrow I would bring Thomas back to the hospital that just discharged him. It was a safety issue for our whole family. I called a close friend who lived in that area and asked her to meet me there, that I had to take Thomas back to the hospital and they told me to go through the ER. My friend, Diane has experience in this behavior with her own son so I knew she would be wonderful to have with me. Once again God provided, he always does.