Just passing time, ticking off events as they happen, waiting for the next meeting, appointment, upcoming event. That’s how I see my life lately. I want to stop and be in the moment. Almost freeze time so I can savor the experience. My son is turning 18 in a few weeks and it blows my mind~literally. Blows it. Being “Thomas” there is no big deal high school graduation (special ed educates until he turns 21) and I’m ok with that. Yes it stings to see other young men his age celebrating and moving on to the next chapters of their lives but it is what it is and Thomas is who he is. I don’t want to go back in time to when he was younger, no thank you I did it once and that was enough. However lately I do wish to slow time down just a bit so I can enjoy his short home visits, enjoy watching him order his own meal in a restaurant and ask that his drink be refilled. Things that are taken for granted when your child is typical. Not so much when special needs is the case. Tommy and I were quite proud of him tonight at dinner when Thomas stepped into that independent role. He did it naturally and without missing a beat. Those moments I’d love to slow down and not feel as if they just flew by.
I’ve watched my older girls mature in an alarmingly fast rate of speed. My Alyssa will be 16 a week after Thomas turns 18. I enjoy her and Daniella (13yrs old) in that they are not babies any more. I enjoy the freedom that is relatively still new to me that I can leave them alone in the house if I need to run to the store or run a few errands. Besides they would rather not come along with me anyhow. And that’s ok. This is when I want to slow down time. Because I feel as if adult hood is so fast around the corner it will make my head spin.
I still have Samantha who is almost 8 years old. My last, my “baby”, but there’s no way this child is a baby by any means. She’s simply the youngest and I do enjoy her. I enjoy really taking in watching her grow. I have the time to do that with her because she is the youngest. Plus with Thomas in residential school my attention isn’t split between him and the girls.
I think I need to stop passing time and just go with the passing of time and enjoy that for now.