How I Used To Be

I think back to how I used to be, physically and emotionally. I was thin, I didn’t exercise but watched what I ate and for the most part I was happy with my physical appearance. I liked the clothes I had and I liked the way I dressed. I was comfortable in my skin. Emotionally however I was a mess. I was worried all the time, anxious about everything and I wouldn’t hand anything over to the Lord. I found it impossible to just accept that His will, will be done whether I worried about it or not and whether I agreed with it or not.

Today I’m very different. I’m not thin anymore. I am in fact overweight. I don’t like this part of myself. I do not like the way I look and where I once enjoyed clothes shopping; now I do not. I’m more than happy to go thrift shopping so I won’t be spending a lot of money on clothes I’m not that happy to be wearing anyway because of the size I must buy for things to fit properly. That’s not entirely true I love thrift shopping no matter what size I am. I love finding treasures such as yesterday’s find of Dolce and Gabbanna denim in my current size. So I guess there is a silver lining of sorts.

Today I trust in the Lord. I hand over my deepest worries and I know He loves me and I am worthy of that love. In the past I didn’t feel worthy of that love. I used to think that God would never use me because I wasn’t good enough, not “Christian” enough if that makes sense. I know now that I am worthy of being used by the Lord and that His love is relentless and endures forever. I’m forever grateful that He chose me, He pursued me when I was “busy” with other things of this world.

I wish I could go back to the days where I was physically different yet keep today’s beliefs and knowledge of our God. I feel like they are a package deal in a way. I feel better mentally due to properly prescribed, much needed medication. However with that medication came weight gain. And it’s the type of weight gain that comes from a change in metabolism; as a result it is difficult to reverse without going off the medication. And if I go off the medication I’ll be as I was before; riddled with depression and anxiety yet a thinner version of myself. The solution or answer seems simple. And some days it is an easy choice, other days especially the summer time where there’s no heavy sweaters or hoodies to hide in the answer is not so apparent. I’ve slowly gotten rid of my “skinny” clothing. Each piece that’s been removed from my wardrobe seems like an admission of defeat. There are some I’ve kept more of museum pieces; just clothes I like so much I selfishly don’t want anyone else to have them. Most of the clothes I’ve sold, donated or have for sale on Alyssa’s Poshmark account. And there are other pieces of clothing that I’ve kept in the ever so small chance I will lose the weight and fit into them again.

I’ve tried weight watchers and while I did lose some weight I found the minute I go off of the plan I gained the weight back. So it doesn’t seem like a realistic plan for me. I know it’s worked wonders for other people. One day I’ll find the ever elusive happy medium and when I do I’ll be sure to write about it.




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