Christianity

The least of these

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Last week I was on the subway and there was an obviously homeless man sprawled out sleeping on the seats across from me.  He was very disheveled, dirty and his hair was all over the place, like it hadn’t been cut or groomed since who knows when.  Being the people watcher that I am I found this man fascinating.  Every now and then he would half awake and mimic in a high pitched voice the subway conductor who would warn, “Stay clear of the closing doors” between each stop.  I couldn’t stop staring at him all the while thinking of what Jesus taught that what we do to the least of them, we also do for him.  I will admit the homeless man scared me.  I was afraid he would catch me staring at him when he opened his eyes now and then.  I kept thinking, “Was I supposed to do something” for him as a Christian?  Where’s the rule book?  I didn’t  do anything except stare and watch him wondering about his life.  He wasn’t asking for money or food, he was merely sleeping on the crowded subway.  Was he ok with being homeless, was he mentally ill?  The thought that he may be mentally ill made me sad. This man was somebody’s son maybe brother.

I’m not proud that I was afraid of him.  But the whole subway ride I kept thinking of Jesus and what He would have done which was a heck of a lot more than I did.  I was wondering because I call myself a Christian am I really talking the talk and walking the walk?  I don’t believe it would have been a safe thing to do, to approach this man alone as a woman, but it make me think more about Jesus and what He would have done.
 

So I feel like writing…

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Yes I feel like writing but I don’t have a specific topic I’d like to cover.  I notice I get more inspiration when I write about God.  Why is that? I think I’m still on a spiritual high from singing with the choir yesterday, nervousness aside.  I notice Mondays after we sing are usually quite sweet.  I’m still singing the songs from the day before in my head.  Singing His praises.  What could be better than that?  I’m no longer doubting if I am “enough”, it seem once I get things off my chest by writing this blog, the issue seems to resolve itself.  Coincidence?  No, since I don’t believe in coincidences only God’s plan. 

I’m really looking forward to Easter service this year.  It’s the first year I’ll be singing with the choir on Easter Sunday.  In the past few years it was too complicated with the kids and/or Thomas.  The songs that were chosen are just perfect and glorify our Lord in such a wonderful way. 

What else do I have to say?  I’m not sure.  I know I’m in a good place today and the sun is shining and my family is healthy and God loves me.  Jesus died for me.  Today I read Romans 5:8 “…but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  Powerful.  

Isaiah 55:9 spoke volumes to me today.  “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher that your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” 

I have on my phone for a screensaver 2Samuel 22:33 (KJV) “God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect”  Isn’t that just the truth.   

 

 

Enough?

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Today (Sunday) was choir day.  I usually love choir days (at our church we typically sing 2 Sunday/month).  But today I was so nervous.  I have no idea where this nervousness stemmed from.  I am not usually nervous to sing with our choir, I love singing with the choir.  But during these past rehearsals I began wondering if I were good enough.  I loathe this anxiety of mine.  Loathe it. That is where this nervousness stems from.  Once we started singing in front of the church the nervousness went away and I truly enjoyed singing His praises.  Singing to our Lord. Singing with my choir family.  And I remembered how blessed I feel to be a part of this ministry and to be able to worship Him, like this. 

Recently I’ve been wondering why I doubt myself so.  There are times that I wonder if I’m Christian “enough”, but I don’t have an answer for what would make me *more* Christian.  Reading the Bible more?  Praying more?  Witnessing to strangers? Believing more (if that is possible)?  No, I don’t think those are the answers either.  But regardless I feel like there is more I should be doing and I pray consistently for guidance and discernment to know that the path I will be set on will be His path and not any other’s. 

These are my thoughts.  I’m not looking for advice or to be analyzed.  I’m putting this out there as perhaps I’m not alone in my thoughts.  I can’t be the only one wondering if there’s more I should be doing for our God.  And what exactly might that be?  What if I suddenly get an epiphany of direction, will I follow it?  I like to think that yes I will follow His lead because after all His plan is the only one that would be perfect regardless of my or anyone’s thoughts on the matter.  There are days I feel on the precipice of change.  And I get nervous.  Yes, that nervousness again.  However nervous I may feel I do trust him and I know His way will be the perfect way.

 

Prayer meeting

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I attended my first prayer meeting ever at my church this past Friday night.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to go at first but I swear the Holy Spirit works through my children as it was my oldest daughter who encouraged me to go.  I arrived a few minutes early and was fortunate enough to find parking.  This next part was odd.  When I was walking up the stairs to enter the church I swear I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach telling me to leave.  Like a feeling of dread.  That I shouldn’t go.  I wasn’t apprehensive about going, I had made up my mind earlier in the day while emailing my friend about the meeting.  We were to meet there.  I never had a feeling like that before and it made me very uneasy.  I still continued on and entered the church.  The minute I did that the feeling left as soon as it came on.  Say what you will but I believe the enemy exists and I believe it was him trying to discourage me from attending the prayer meeting. 

I had the pleasure of sitting with 3 other strong Christian women along with my friend (who is also a strong Christian as well as a wonderful friend).  I feel blessed to have been surrounded by such women.  The prayer meeting was powerful.  Powerful.  We prayed for ourselves.  The elders and Pastors anointed those who were ill with oil and they were prayed over.   We prayed for people sitting next to us, we prayed for our youth and their parents, we prayed for our children and the children’s ministry and the children’s ministry leaders.  We prayed for our Pastor and his family.  It lasted over 2 hours and people were still praying and the Pastor invited everyone who wanted to stay that they were welcome. I left after being prayed over at the alter. It was amazing.

The people leading us in prayer were so eloquent and moved by the Spirit. Their words were perfect and inspiring to the soul. I wish I could pray out loud and so be Spirit led. I’m more of a stoic/quiet pray-er. I know God hears me. I believe it is quite the gift to be able to pray out loud for a group of people, many of whom you don’t know personally. And I believe it’s even more of a gift when your words touch the very heart and soul of someone listening. It’s the gift of the Spirit leading you to relay a much needed message to someone you don’t even know.

Prayer is so powerful.

I’m not going to be dropped on my head.

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I read on a friend’s facebook post today, “God didn’t bring you this far to drop you on your head”.  That statement made me literally stop in my tracks.  The post was not directed towards me but rather a friend of this friend but in my heart I know I was meant to see that.  How could anymore be more true right now, to me anyway.  I’ve been having a hard time lately trying endlessly it seems to figure out what exactly I’m here for.  This being a SAHM gig is getting stale to me and I feel the need to *do* something but what that something is?  I’ve been wondering have I been forgotten by God? Maybe he’s forgotten about his plan for me?  A silly thought yes I know.  Then after reading my friend’s facebook post I realized that God hasn’t forgotten me, he’s brought me this far hasn’t he?  Why would he then drop me on my head?  He wouldn’t.  His love is far greater than that.

It never ceases to amaze me how great and awesome our God is. He’ll accept our anger and still cover us with His grace, He’ll always be sovereign even though we accuse Him of being unfair. He is and always will be our God and I give thanks to Him that He will never drop me on my head after bringing me as far as he has brought me. To His glory may all things point. He will never leave us or forsake us. I need to write these things down as a reminder to myself and maybe someone else needs to read it as well.

I will continue to pray and praise Him even in the darkness He will shine His light and I know that He is near.

People watching and a visit.

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This past Friday morning I drove to Thomas’ school to pick him up for a visit . While I was waiting for him in this area that resembles a living room, there was a group of people visiting the school.  4 people.  Of course the people watcher in me was intrigued.  There were a mom and a dad, a social worker (she mentioned she was an MSW) and another male figure who gave no inclination as to who he was in relation to the parents.  I get so nosey when I see parents doing what Tommy and I did but these people have “back up”.  You see every time we had to hospitalize Thomas or visit residential schools we did it alone.  Just Tommy and I.  No social workers, no case managers visiting to give their input or questions that may have been helpful.  Actually just to have another shoulder to lean on may have been nice.  But then again I say this now.  In retrospect.  Honestly its funny because Tommy and I never felt “alone” during those times, we were fortunate enough to have each other.  I guess I wonder if the grass is greener having other people involved with you making these decisions.  Or is it more confusing because unless you are that child’s parent you are not as invested as to where that child is placed. 

I shouldn’t say Tommy and I were “alone” as we certainly had The Lord with us, leading us and making His way for the school Thomas were to attend. 

So after my people watching incident, Thomas was brought to me and we were on our merry way home.  The visit went well in the beginning but by the end of Saturday things were starting to crumble.  Not in a horrific way Thank God but in a way that only solidifies our decision for Thomas to attend residential school.  Tommy drove him back Sunday morning.  Later that day, Tommy and I discussed together how do you parent a kid like him?  Since Thomas was a toddler you could give him what ever he wanted and he would still throw something at you or have a fit.  These days you give him what he wants and he almost dismisses it once he obtains whatever it was he wanted and he’s on to the next “thing”.  It’s exhausting.  Not only that but we still realize we cannot leave him alone with me.  There was a part of me that was hoping that would change but it has not.  There was no aggression at this visit but the signs are still there that he will target me for no particular reason. Thomas will also be somewhat defiant and its not easy to reason with a 17 year old “kid” you don’t have the control over you did at say age 10 (not that we had much control over Thomas at that age either).  It’s a bitter pill to swallow about your own child.  This isn’t a pity post.  Its the truth and it’s our life. 

 

This makes me realize how huge God is and how He has given us so much direction and so much wisdom in dealing with our son. I always pray for a hedge of protection for Thomas. Although one could say I could easily pray for protection for me when it comes to Thomas. But I don’t. I pray for protection for him so that whoever is teaching, guiding or working with my son will do so with the wisdom and maturity my son needs. If I can’t be there Dear Lord let there be people who are there that know how to handle him. I know the Holy Spirit is well at work ensuring those things happen.

Patience

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Trust.  We must trust Him.  We have to.  I’m struggling with His timing, wondering when or if things *I* want to happen are really going to happen, am I going the “right” way.  In all honesty I have no business feeling this way.  The Lord has never failed me. Ever. It all really does work out in the most amazing way doesn’t it? At first I thought I was struggling with trust but now I see I’m struggling with patience. Waiting for His plan to play out.

In the past I know patience was never my strong point. I often and still do feel I am in a state of “hurry up and wait” which stinks to tell the truth. That state of being usually leads to frustration and doubt. Both of which are unpleasant emotions.

So I guess this leads to the encouragement of increased prayer. “Pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:17-18). I’m thinking I should pray for increased patience while I hurry up and wait for His plan which no doubt will be perfect and glorious.

He Hears Us.

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I’ve been taking notes at church lately, I’m afraid I’m going to miss something I think. I used to never take notes, I figured I wouldn’t go back and read them anyway so why bother. Well, I do go back and read them.  I love to re-read what our Pastor said and how it all applies to my life.  Our Pastor has been discussing the importance of prayer, that we must set aside time to be with The Father. But I wonder if we ever feel we have set enough time aside for The Father. Could there always be more time? My answer is yes, but I also believe God knows what is in my heart and he hears me. I guess that sounds defensive. I’m defending why I don’t spend more time in prayer. I wish I had an answer, a true answer.

Our Pastor also said, “Your life is a continuous act of worship. Everything can be lived to the glory of God.” I find that extremely inspiring knowing that all one does can be done to His glory. There is no act too small or unimportant.

I also find myself being more and more thankful for my life and the blessings He has given me, which makes me want to spend more time in prayer to praise and thank Him. I guess it becomes a wonderful cycle eventually: You spend more time in prayer with The Father which leads to more blessings and/or increased appreciation for present blessings which leads to more prayer and praise and thanks.

He hears us.

He makes all things work together for our good

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I went to church yesterday as usual but I *almost* didn’t go.  Then when I saw parking was very tight due to all the snow around here, then I figured I wouldn’t go if I couldn’t find a parking space.  The perfect parking space opened up, no kidding.  God was working and so was the enemy.  I believe the enemy works to find ways to keep us from God, like keeping me wrapped up on the computer right before it was time to leave for church and making the parking situation look so much worse than it was.  I won’t say anymore about him. I love how The Lord made way for me to able to worship Him when I had such doubtful thoughts.

When I arrived at church I realized how much I missed being there from the week before.  Then I remembered we (the choir) sang last week.  I cried through some of the worship songs, the words are so powerful and really make you think.  “You make all things work together for my good”, is one lyric that almost made me sit down and made me cry.  Those are such powerful words to believe and I do believe it absolutely.  But when I think of the seasons of pain, Thomas being aggressive to me and then depression I get sad and teary knowing that those are some “things” God has worked together for my good.  How and why I have no idea but I trust Him.

I was on the ferry last week writing in a journal how God plans our every move, our everything for His glory. It’s a wonderful thing to think about. How He orchestrates all of our moves in life even the “small” ones for our good and His glory. Yesterday our Pastor said, “Nothing brings hope like the name of Jesus.” Oh my goodness the truth in that statement is overwhelming. How we pray and want to be like Jesus, to want to follow Him and love Him. And He loves us and His name is what we cling to for hope. Even writing this gets me teary (I’m a bit emotional lately, bear with me) That statement struck such a nerve with me, but in a good way. I think our nerves need to be struck every now and then. Jesus is the name we call out to for hope when we’re in pain. I remember one instance years ago when Thomas was aggressive with me, I literally yelled out, “Jesus!” but not in vain I called out for help. Help for Thomas to stop. When Thomas heard me yell out it stunned him and he stopped for a moment, enough time for me to get my bearings. I needed hope so bad that day and who’s name did I call out? Jesus. He gave me hope he really did. He sent the most caring ambulance workers and police officers to my house that day after I called 911.

I don’t mean to skip down memory lane to painful memories but I can’t help it when I think of The Lord working everything together for my good, because He is in charge and His way will always be better than mine in the long run. One of the most difficult lessons I’ve learned these past couple of years is to *really* trust Him. To honestly and truly put my life in his hands. To know with all my heart that if He hasn’t already planned it, it’s not going to be. So tough to put into practice but so necessary to know.

Sunday~Choir Day

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It’s 6:30 am on a Sunday and the only reason I’m up is because the the choir is singing today at church and I’m in the choir.  I’m not complaining about being up (No, I don’t enjoy waking up this early on a Sunday) but it is what it is.  We are to be at church approx. an hour before the first service for extra practice time.  I don’t even mind the practice as it gives us a chance to say hello/good morning and just be together, in between songs we’ll laugh and joke a bit.  It’s really nice and kind of makes up for the fact that we’re all there so early :).  I’ve mentioned before how much I enjoy being in the choir.  Everyone is really nice and genuine.  There is no phony-ness although I see no reason for that to even exist anyway within our choir.   What I love the most is the fellowship.  I’m probably repeating myself from a previous post but I can’t help it.  To know when you really need prayers that this group of awesome people will pray for you is an incredible feeling.

The only thing I would change right now is the weather.  It’s colder at 7:45 am than 10:15 am which is the time I usually go to church when the choir is not singing.  I have to laugh because when I first joined the choir and I was told what time we had to be there on the Sundays that we sing, someone should have told me what my face looked like.  I say this because inside my head I was like, “Nooooo!!  Oh No…please tell me you’re joking”.  It’s funny though because you do get used to it and to be honest after a while it’s really ok, you just have to get over the initial jolt. I’m not a morning person but as I get older I find mornings can be pretty cool; just don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee.

Oh and the other really cool part about being in the choir is that we get to sing for all 3 services.  I love that as each service has it’s own personality.  When you’re up there you realize this and it makes it all the more special for some reason.  One or two services are more vocal than others, one can be on the “quiet” side, one can start out quiet than really get into the singing.  It’s really sweet to be a part of every service in that way. 

What totally surprised me is that people really do notice you up there.  You might think you’re inconspicuous or hidden behind the microphone or another person but …nope!  You are out there and people see *you*.  At first I thought that might freak me out a bit, but it didn’t and still doesn’t.  Story of God’s sense of humor:  The first Sunday I was singing with the choir I was determined to not be in the first row.  I was very nervous.  I somehow managed to situate myself in the second row and I was feeling good about that for my first Sunday.  Then the choir director asked someone to move to the first row to even us out.  I felt my hand go up and then I heard myself say, “I’ll go”.  What??  Who said that??  I ended up in the first row and you know what it was fine, totally fine.  I was not nervous and I really felt like I was singing in front of my family.  I was.  I was in front of my church family.  God would never let me make him look bad.