Prayer

I need more patience.

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What does it take to learn patience? Because I obviously have none. I’m applying to jobs and first I had to wait out labor day weekend. Then the week after labor day because most people are still in vacation mode with it being a short week and all. I want things yesterday. I took my CPR for health providers class today and that was nice and a relief all at once. Nice because I was able to be around other grown ups and relief because I passed. I was unnecessarily worried that I would fail the class. I need a self confidence kick.

So getting back to my lack of patience. It seriously stinks. Actually I want more than patience I want whom ever reads my submitted resume to get back to me with a “Yes we want you and please come in for an interview” or “No…we’re not interested”. I don’t think I’m asking too much, haha! I’m sure me and the thousands of other job hunters out there would really appreciate one or the other reply.

So here’s the part when I need to trust God. To trust that He has already picked out the job for me and I simply need to wait on Him and His time table. A time table that does NOT resemble mine at all. I want things asap, God will provide when His time is perfect. Not necessarily when He is ready but when the time is literally perfect for Him to move.

I noticed I haven’t been praying as much as I had been before summer started and everyone was home and my routine was disturbed. I’ve begun praying again and I notice a peace that surrounds me when I pray. I not only pray for direction but also to worship. Worship Him who will finish what He has started. Worship the one and only true God. I’ve missed that feeling of peace when I was pre-occupied with “summer”. School has begun and I can get back to regular prayer and I also need to incorporate prayer when things get so busy. A way to make prayer a part of who I am and not just what I do when I think of it.

Discouraged and disconnected.

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I haven’t blogged in a while mainly because I haven’t had much to say.  I’ve been discouraged and disconnected.  Discouraged because my job hunting (along with many others) has been fruitless.  Disconnected and not feeling a part of my life, like it’s just going on without me.

Today I’m relieved to admit I no longer feel discouraged or disconnected.  No, I haven’t found a job but it’s ok.  I’ve stopped measuring my worth as “less than” because I’m still at home.  I’m where God wants me to be right now and no amount of temper tantrums will change that unless it’s what He wants.  I’m still actively job searching but no longer discouraged. When the right job comes along and I know it will, everything will fall into place. It’s just taking a lot longer than I had hoped. But it’s not my plan anyway.

As for feeling disconnected, I didn’t even realize I was disconnected until Tommy pointed it out to me.  I thought I was “ok” not realizing I am missing out on my little world. I wasn’t really enjoying anything either, even thrift shopping believe it or not was not working it’s usual magic.  When you do get disconnected it’s not pleasant and you distance yourself from everything and anything. Hence me not blogging. (This isn’t to say any time I don’t blog I’m feeling that way, sometimes I really don’t have much to say)  I realize (now) this is part of a defense mechanism I have from dealing with the trauma of Thomas being aggressive with me.  I feel like “still??”  This is still freaking affecting me?  My gosh seriously?  But yes it is.  I guess there is no expiration date in dealing with things that are traumatic in your life.

Speaking of Thomas, he will be home this weekend for Mother’s Day.  I’m glad he’ll be here and he’s really looking forward to coming home. 

Enough?

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Today (Sunday) was choir day.  I usually love choir days (at our church we typically sing 2 Sunday/month).  But today I was so nervous.  I have no idea where this nervousness stemmed from.  I am not usually nervous to sing with our choir, I love singing with the choir.  But during these past rehearsals I began wondering if I were good enough.  I loathe this anxiety of mine.  Loathe it. That is where this nervousness stems from.  Once we started singing in front of the church the nervousness went away and I truly enjoyed singing His praises.  Singing to our Lord. Singing with my choir family.  And I remembered how blessed I feel to be a part of this ministry and to be able to worship Him, like this. 

Recently I’ve been wondering why I doubt myself so.  There are times that I wonder if I’m Christian “enough”, but I don’t have an answer for what would make me *more* Christian.  Reading the Bible more?  Praying more?  Witnessing to strangers? Believing more (if that is possible)?  No, I don’t think those are the answers either.  But regardless I feel like there is more I should be doing and I pray consistently for guidance and discernment to know that the path I will be set on will be His path and not any other’s. 

These are my thoughts.  I’m not looking for advice or to be analyzed.  I’m putting this out there as perhaps I’m not alone in my thoughts.  I can’t be the only one wondering if there’s more I should be doing for our God.  And what exactly might that be?  What if I suddenly get an epiphany of direction, will I follow it?  I like to think that yes I will follow His lead because after all His plan is the only one that would be perfect regardless of my or anyone’s thoughts on the matter.  There are days I feel on the precipice of change.  And I get nervous.  Yes, that nervousness again.  However nervous I may feel I do trust him and I know His way will be the perfect way.

 

Prayer meeting

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I attended my first prayer meeting ever at my church this past Friday night.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to go at first but I swear the Holy Spirit works through my children as it was my oldest daughter who encouraged me to go.  I arrived a few minutes early and was fortunate enough to find parking.  This next part was odd.  When I was walking up the stairs to enter the church I swear I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach telling me to leave.  Like a feeling of dread.  That I shouldn’t go.  I wasn’t apprehensive about going, I had made up my mind earlier in the day while emailing my friend about the meeting.  We were to meet there.  I never had a feeling like that before and it made me very uneasy.  I still continued on and entered the church.  The minute I did that the feeling left as soon as it came on.  Say what you will but I believe the enemy exists and I believe it was him trying to discourage me from attending the prayer meeting. 

I had the pleasure of sitting with 3 other strong Christian women along with my friend (who is also a strong Christian as well as a wonderful friend).  I feel blessed to have been surrounded by such women.  The prayer meeting was powerful.  Powerful.  We prayed for ourselves.  The elders and Pastors anointed those who were ill with oil and they were prayed over.   We prayed for people sitting next to us, we prayed for our youth and their parents, we prayed for our children and the children’s ministry and the children’s ministry leaders.  We prayed for our Pastor and his family.  It lasted over 2 hours and people were still praying and the Pastor invited everyone who wanted to stay that they were welcome. I left after being prayed over at the alter. It was amazing.

The people leading us in prayer were so eloquent and moved by the Spirit. Their words were perfect and inspiring to the soul. I wish I could pray out loud and so be Spirit led. I’m more of a stoic/quiet pray-er. I know God hears me. I believe it is quite the gift to be able to pray out loud for a group of people, many of whom you don’t know personally. And I believe it’s even more of a gift when your words touch the very heart and soul of someone listening. It’s the gift of the Spirit leading you to relay a much needed message to someone you don’t even know.

Prayer is so powerful.