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Being Moved

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The new year has been ushered in and with it brought my father to the ER/hospital/admitted with pneumonia. It came on very suddenly. He was fine New Year’s day; by the next morning my mom was calling an ambulance and my dad was on his way to the hospital. So fast. He’s feeling much better today and is eagerly waiting to be discharged home.

I’ve always wondered what my dad thought of God and Jesus, did he believe? He’s the person that always came to my mind when our Pastor spoke about spreading the Gospel. The Lord has put it on my heart many times to talk to my Dad about Jesus but I pushed it aside. Today was different. I called my father at his hospital bed and told him I wanted to talk about his salvation and I wanted to be with him in heaven. Did he believe in Jesus?  To my relief my father said that Yes he believes he just doesn’t go to church and was actually spurned and turned off to church when he was younger. I mentioned perhaps he could go to church with my Mom when she goes. He seemed open to that suggestion.

I’m glad I had this conversation with my dad. It started out a little difficult but became easier the more we talked. I firmly believe the Holy Spirit was prompting me and I’m grateful for that. I know I would say to myself, “but I don’t know what to say or how to say it” referring to talking about God or Jesus to people other than my friends from church or my church family. My bible study leader always said to not worry, the Holy Spirit will guide you and she’s right; He will and has.

Took the tree down …

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My son was home for Christmas.  I picked him up on the 23rd. We had a nice ride home and a great entry to the house. I took a sweet picture of him in front of the Christmas tree and promptly posted it on Facebook. Immediately it was “liked”.

Three hours later the boy was super high maintenance. Thomas is special needs so he’ll always be some sort of high maintenance in his general being. Whether it be attention to his meds or supervision while showering and brushing his teeth. That stuff doesn’t bother me. The super high maintenance person Thomas turned into on Dec 23rd, three hours after arriving home is a different animal. He refused any suggestion of entertaining him, refused to draw, color, watch a movie, watch tv, you name it.

Instead Thomas occupied himself by following me around and generally getting in my face wanting this or that, insisting  I wash his clothes every night, still refusing to do anything that would require independence.  This continued on through the 26th of December. So that means I spent my Christmas with this boy on my heels or in my face and him constantly needing “something”, anything you can think of. He was relentless and would not leave me alone.

So on the afternoon of the 26th fueled by caffiene and disappointment I took the tree down. I couldn’t wait to get the most obvious symbol of Christmas out of my house.

The nativity scene is still in place. That is what matters most during this season anyhow.

 

 

Happy New Year

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The end to another year. Another Christmas flown by. I rarely reflect at the end of the year. But this year I will.

I think I had a good year. For the first time in a long time I started getting back to “me” again. Feeling like myself, laughing with my kids. I started a new to me antidepressant back in March of this year and that was the final catalyst to enable me to feel better. I no longer feel like the depression is right around the corner waiting to get a jump on me. I can laugh and joke around without feeling false. It’s nice.

We also had an awesome time on vacation this past summer. We rented a large vacation house with two other families (the first time we had ever done that) at the Outer Banks, North Carolina and it worked out really great. We all got along and everyone just chilled. I was able to hang out at the pool for 2 solid days straight. I haven’t hung out at a pool being that carefree since I was a teenager. It was sweet.

This fall flew by I feel; literally.  It seems as if school just started and here we are at the end of 2015, almost half way through the school year. Alyssa graduates high school this year and that blows my mind a bit. We discuss colleges and went to visit a few. She wants to stay in Manhattan and that’s cool. I can’t blame her, I love Manhattan. Daniella started high school this year and I’m happy for her. She had a less than great time at Junior high and really needed the change. She joined the swim team and really enjoyed it. She loved the camaraderie of the team and competing at the meets.   Definitely a year of change for the better for her.

And finally Christmas of 2015. It was a nice enough Christmas. Thomas was home and was quite high maintenance. It was overwhelming to be honest. The girls and Tommy had a great Christmas, my parents came here for dinner with my niece and nephews. We had an unbelievable dinner of rib roast and lasagna. It was Tommy’s idea to have the rib roast and he totally hit the nail on the head.

The day after Christmas I took the tree down. It was drying out and needles were flying off everywhere. Besides as far as I was concerned Christmas was over. I still have the nativity out and that’s all that really matters anyway.

I’m looking forward to 2016 with hope. I’m due to be starting a bible study in January for Mom’s of special needs children and I’m really looking forward to it. I hope I’m a blessing to others and that the Lord uses me as he sees fit. More of Him and less of me.

So I wish everyone reading this a very, very Happy New Year!

 

Looking Back

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I’ve been doing this bible study specifically for moms of special needs children (the name of the book is a Unlocking the Treasure by Bev Roozeboom  ). It’s really got me digging deep in my faith which I guess is what it’s supposed to do.  It also asks a lot of questions some meant to be shared wth a group, others not to be shared. And I tell you a lot of what this woman writes really brings me back. Back to when Thomas was very young and many things were new. Like the first time I ever heard the word “retarded” pertaining to my son who was 3 yrs old at the time. The doctor who told me was so very cold and blunt. No bedside manner at all.  I refused to accept it and insisted this cold hearted man write an addendum in his report of how much I vehemently disagreed with him. I knew there was something wrong with Thomas but to tell me he was mentally retarded told me nothing but an IQ score. It didn’t tell me why he hit all the time and threw terrible tantrums or why was speech impaired.

In the bible study Unlocking the Treasure the author asks if anyone showed you compassion when you realized your child was special needs. The day I was told l that my son was “retarded” one of my husbands best friends brought me flowers and took me to a movie; a comedy.  When I look back it was exactly what I needed at that time and an act  full of compassion.

This study is also full of how much The Lord loves us. It’s mind blowing and humbling all at the same time. That the God of our universe loves us and wants us to seek him…I think of how much I love my children, how much I love Thomas after all he’s put me through.  God loves me more than that. It’s hard to grasp His love for us and wrap my brain around it.

 

A New Small Group in town…

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So the Christmas tree is up and shopping is underway.  I’ve gotten more shopping done than I usually do at this time of year and I’m glad to be a little ahead of schedule. I’m due to start a bible study/small group for mothers of children with special needs with another mom in January. I’ve already identified a book; a bible study for Mom’s of special needs children; I think would be a good fit. I still have to finish it myself so I’m not entirely sure yet. Plus I don’t have input from my co-leader yet. In due time I’m sure it will all fall into place. Or rather in the Lord’s time it will fall into place.

I’m excited to about to be a small group co-leader. To be able to share my experience of raising Thomas and how God has been there through the good the bad and the ugly. Yes God was there when times were horrible as well as when times were good. And it was only through His strength did I gain strength. I was even angry at God on more than one occasion.  I know He was still there and never left us. I know that’s why I was so angry. To know God was there and things were still so crappy. I only got over the anger when I actually met the Lord. And it was then that I really knew in my soul that He was there did my anger dissipate.

I’m excited to have fellowship with other Moms and talk about the Gospel. And how Jesus is still working miracles in our lives and will continue to always be there working and interceding for us. I know I sound optimistic. I am optimistic. We have a wonderful mentor in place who will be there for us in person and in prayer. That makes me feel more secure and confidant in this new role.  I have this month to prepare and pray and prepare some more and then of course pray even more. I’m honored to be used by God in this way. To God be the glory.

 

 

 

Holidays

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They are upon us…Thanksgiving in a couple of days and then we blink and it’s Christmas. Tommy will be picking up Thomas tomorrow to have him home for Thanksgiving. He’s totally excited to come home and it’s really sweet. He called me this past Sunday morning~early, to confirm the day and time of pick up and that it would be Tommy doing the picking up. Thomas also called Tommy the night before to confirm the same. The boy is consistent.

The day after Thanksgiving “we” (meaning Thomas and I) put up the Christmas tree. Rather I put it up and he supervises. Friday morning Thomas, Tommy and I will go out to get a live tree and when we bring it home, Thomas knows exactly what to do, what goes first, that I need to test the lights, and hey where’s the stand, the star for the top and the skirt for around the tree on the bottom?? The girls will get all into the ornament decorating after a while and the whole thing usually goes very smooth. The only thing that gets exhausting is going up to the attic a million times that day. And Thomas will usually be on to the next phase of decorating after the tree is finished.

This year I’ve  managed to get out of Thomas what he wants for Christmas. I consider that a personal victory because every year it’s a struggle to buy him gifts and we usually don’t have a clue  to tell family what to get for him. Aside from all Thomas’ issues he’s really an easy going guy and really  doesn’t want for much so when he does mention something, anything that he would like I make sure I’m paying attention. For Thomas’ birthday he received a television for his room at school. The TV has a DVD player, Thomas asked for the Spiderman movie on DVD and a new Nintendo DS with a couple of games. No problem!  After I finagled that list from him, he then says, “That’s enough Mom, no more…I don’t want anything else” How do you spoil someone who won’t let you? You gotta love him and that way about him.

So here’s to a Happy Thanksgiving and a smooth Christmas tree decorating!

 

 

Special Needs and Grace

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I reread a book recently that I had read a few years ago. The name of the book is “Wrestling With an Angel” by Greg Lucas. It’s written by a father who’s son is special needs/disabled and how God’s grace is shown to him through his son, Jake. The book touched me in a profound way. And through it I’ve recognized God’s grace in my own special needs child.

Greg Lucas’ examples taught me to see God’s grace where you least expect it. There is one instance where Greg is giving his son a bath and for a few minutes his son completely relaxes in the water with his eyes closed, no anxiety or stress and he’s given a glimpse of what his son would look like if he were a typical young man. That is grace, a gift from God. I’ve had a similar experience with Thomas. I had a dream that Alyssa and Thomas and I were talking together in the front sun porch of our house. Thomas was a completely “normal” or typical teenager. I woke up from that dream feeling odd and I wasn’t sure how to process it. I remembered what I had read in “Wrestling With an Angel” and  I realized the dream was a gift. That one day when we’re all in heaven together Thomas will speak to me as a typical child, one with no disabilities such as speech impairment or mental retardation.  He’ll be able to tell me everything he isn’t able to tell me on a regular day.

Greg Lucas also tells of his testimony of being led to the Lord by his son. Jake was 2 years old and suffered from terrible, constant seizures. One evening Greg completely surrenders to the Lord. He cried out to God and begged Him to take over, not just Jake’s illness but his entire life. That touched me because my son led me to the Lord.

When I returned to church and was saved, when I gave my life to Jesus; my life was “fine”. Thomas was living home and doing well. We had many supports in place and Thomas had recreation programs that he thoroughly enjoyed. The girls were also doing well. I met the Lord however because of my son. Thomas was in and out of the psychiatric hospital. I was so angry with God. Why? Why? I would ask and I didn’t receive an answer that was suitable. It was only when a friend (thank you Toni!) suggested I listen to “Praise You In This Storm” by Casting Crowns did I finally break down and realize Jesus was for me not against me. That He did indeed hold every tear I cried. It was at that moment God showed me His grace and my anger dissipated.

There are many more ways that God has shown Himself to me through my son. People who have come into my life who otherwise would not. Situations that would never have come about if not for the Lord. And I owe Greg Lucas’ book for showing me how God’s grace is manifested in my son.

 

 

My Husband and 20 Years…

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It’s here! Our 20th wedding anniversary. Amazing if you ask me and I’m proud of us. Its been a ton of trust, love and a lot of prayer. I give half the credit to my wonderful husband, Tommy.. He’s taught me so much over the years. And as a result I like to think I’m a better person because of him. My husband is a very warm, thoughtful, giving, smart and handsome man. We were fortunate to have met when we were very young. We met for the first time at age 15. We became friends at first and then did the whole “…but I don’t want to mess everything up if we get together…” dance. Turned out we didn’t mess everything up. We started dating around age 17 and had many a teen angst argument/breakup/get back together scene through the years. But somehow we always found ourselves back together. I do believe he is my soul mate. He’s called me his best friend many times over the years and every time he says it, it’s like hearing him say it for the first time. I consider myself lucky to be called his best friend.

There were many difficult times over the past 20 years especially when it came to raising Thomas. Being Thomas’ mother made me grow in a way I never thought I was capable of growing. But God had his plans and as the vine dresser He shaped me and encouraged growth for me to become a tenacious mother. Tommy allowed my role to flourish by trusting me in locating doctors, therapists, psychologists, neurologists, support people and anyone else I recruited to help us help our son. It was not an easy time. We made decisions no parent should have to make for their child. Medications, hospitalizations, dealing with disbelieving professionals, residential school. Not an easy road and I know there are parents out there who have had an even more difficult time than us.

I love to remember our honeymoon and us laying on the beach trying to imagine what we would be like at our 10th anniversary. 10 years seemed so far away. We knew I was pregnant so trying to picture us with a 10 year old was next to impossible. We then told each other how great it would be to return to Hawaii on our 20th anniversary. Again, something that was so difficult to imagine. If you had told me then what my life would be like I’d think you were crazed. I was going to have a perfectly healthy and typical baby and our life was going to go as planned as anyone else’s.

Even with all the ups and downs and sideways turns I couldn’t imagine the past 20 years with anyone else besides my husband. He’s been there for me through very thick and very thin. Through the house moves and hair color changes.  He is my lifeline and I look forward to the next 20 years with him with as much optimism as I had 20 years ago.

Mom…

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My son called the other day. I hadn’t spoken to him since this past Saturday when we all attended his school’s annual family day picnic. He was so sweet. I loved listening to him talk. Thomas is speech impaired but many times it’s not too difficult to understand him. Curse words for whatever reason come out crystal clear and there is no misunderstanding ;). Since Thomas doesn’t live at home I love when he calls us. And this past phone call I thoroughly enjoyed hearing him just say, “Mom…” That word that I’ve heard more or less for the past 17-18 years. There have been variations, “Mama, Mommy, Mom, Ma, Mo-oooom!!” Every mother has heard them all and then some. Sometimes accompanied by laughter, sometimes  crying; the best times are when there’s excitement to be had like good news.

Today Alyssa texted me, “Guess what?” That was pretty cool. She had exciting news about an article she wrote last year and this year her teacher submitted the article to a journalism contest. Alyssa has a good chance of winning according to her journalism teacher. If she wins at the citywide level she’ll then be competing at the state wide level. Very exciting news and I’m glad she took the time out of her day to share that with me.

“Mom…” That’s how my son addresses me. With a pause after saying Mom. When he was talking to me the other night I felt so blessed to be called “Mom” by this young man. After all we’ve been through especially the past 4 years with him being unable to continue living at home. I think of the time before things became tough. We were having a nice time with Thomas. He was stable on his meds, I was thrilled with his school and their staff, and Thomas was involved with a recreation program run by an agency that specializes in special needs. Their staff is also amazing. Oh and we had a woman coming to the house a few times during the week who worked with Thomas doing life skills such as walking to the store and buying small things and walking around the neighborhood, to the park, etc… Life was good and it was predictable which was nice. Its funny though because I don’t recall many conversations between Thomas and I during that time. I remember almost all of our conversations these days mainly because they’re not full of distractions or other people interrupting us. It’s just him and I on the phone. And its nice. “Mom…”

Transitions

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I sit here waiting for some extraordinary words of wisdom to flow from my brain to my fingertips to be furiously typed up. But…nope no words of wisdom, just my thoughts of the day. Which may or may not be “wise”. I went to church yesterday. I’m glad I went. Our Pastor is leaving and we’re in a state of transition right now while the church searches for a replacement. I really enjoy and like our Pastor and I wish he wasn’t leaving. Pastor Eddie makes you want to learn more about the bible, he’s inspiring and he also teaches while he preaches so it’s never dull. However, I do understand that people need to move on to a higher calling they have and I wish him and his family all the best. God has already chosen our next Pastor we just haven’t met him yet.

I’m attending bible study on Tuesdays nights and it’s going well. It’s taught by one of our Pastors and his wife, Cheryl. Cheryl has been a wonderful friend to me. She’s the one who came to the meetings with me when Thomas was in the psych hospital. She gave up her day just to help me and we didn’t even know each other that well at that time. Talk about a Godsend. I have no doubt God had his hand in, orchestrating our friendship. Anyway I’m really glad to be in bible study with her and her husband.  It’s a nice group, very diverse in age and culture. I’ve become friendly with another woman. She’s been charged with creating a prayer list for the group and I offered to help her. I’m not sure what that entails but I’m sure I’ll find out. I really enjoy her company. She is definitely walking with the Lord and I enjoy talking with her. Funny enough I’ve run into her once in a while at the ferry terminal. The last time I saw her we took the boat in together and she told me about her job. This past Tuesday, after bible study we talked quite a bit also. It was nice. New friendships are nice.

I’ve been selling somethings on Ebay. It’s been going well. I did a pretty decent clean out of my closets… shoes included (gasp!). But there were many clothes and bags that were too nice to donate but I wasn’t wearing or using for one reason or another. I’m hoping things continue to run smooth for me there.