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I’m Glad…

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I’m sitting on my front steps thinking of how glad I am to be here. Glad to have a new tattoo, glad to not be depressed and glad to have a new job opportunity. A year ago these things were very different. I wasn’t interested in much other than the way I was feeling which wasn’t that great. Last year I wrote about Thomas turning 18 and how I was job searching. Little did I know back then that in 2 to 3 short months I would be hired by my current employer.

I’m glad to be past the baby stage with my kids. Samantha, our youngest is turning 9 years old soon and I’m blown away at how fast time passes. Our oldest daughter is turning 17 this weekend and will start driving. I’m glad I’m here to see that milestone.

I’m glad I have a husband who loves and supports me. In my darkest times it was his support that held me up. I don’t think he knows how much that meant to me.

I’m glad to have a relationship with God. I don’t know where I’d be without Him in my life. He is an awesome God and I wish more people knew Him and knew the Gospel. That the Lord God gave his only son so that we would be reconciled with Him. An incredible gift and all we have to do is invite Jesus in to our hearts to receive this gift.

I’m glad.

Life

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A new job opportunity has presented itself to me. It’s a nursing job and its per diem meaning I work when I can/want. It’s for a company that does corporate events such as checking blood pressure, blood sugar, flu shots, etc… I applied last week for the heck of it and heard back last night via email. There’s a training session involved and I’m sure an interview of some sort.

I’m thinking this may be a good gig to get involved with. I would keep the job I have now as it is a steady paycheck and it would be nice to make extra money especially with Alyssa driving in about a week.

I haven’t written about my daughter who turns 17 in less than a week and will be driving at that time. It doesn’t freak me out all that much, mostly because she already passed her road test (on the first try; proud mama brag). I say this of course because she isn’t actually driving yet…I am looking forward to her being able to drive herself and her sisters places to help me out a bit. I’m not looking forward to the hike in our car insurance that I don’t know about yet as I’ve been too chicken to call the insurance company about. So this is life for now 🙂

The Ferry

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I love to people watch. Especially on my way to Manhattan. It makes the commute all the more interesting. There is every walk of life at the ferry terminal. Everyone has a story. Everyone is going someplace. On the ferry during the week women are applying makeup and/or doing their hair, either in the ladies room or right there at their seat. Today (Saturday) on the Manhattan bound ferry there’s standing room only at the ladies room mirror.

New Yorkers are stereotyped as being rude. I don’t believe so and haven’t been witness to such rudeness. Quite honestly I find the tourists to be a bit on the rude side especially when boarding the ferry on the Manhattan side. In my experience even the homeless are polite when asking for money. If you haven’t noticed already, I love New York. I love living here.

Joy

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I’ve been reminiscing in my past couple of blog posts. How the depression knocked me down and how bad things became with Thomas after his medication change.

I’m not in that place any longer. It feels good in some way to revisit those times. Even though they weren’t happy times I learned a lot about myself, my son and also my marriage.

I have joy these days. Joy in Christ. Joy knowing my Savior lives. Joy in worshipping a God who loves me. I have joy in my identity in Christ and in knowing my sins are forgiven. I have joy in the Gospel.

That’s not to say I don’t worry or have anxiety. I do. But those times aren’t as intense as they used to be and for that I give God the glory.

Christmas songs

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I love “The Little Drummer Boy”, love that song. My Grandmother used to collect things that had to do with the little drummer boy, little statues, she even had a little drummer boy doll that she kept in it’s own display case. I adored my grandmother so when I hear the Little Drummer boy song I always think of her, no matter who sings it or what version.

Another song I love is “Oh Holy Night/Night Divine”. When they sing, “Fall on your knees and hear the angel voices…” I get choked up. I fight the urge to actually fall on my knees to honor our newborn King. There are so many songs that evoke such strong emotions. The realization that we are celebrating our Savior’s birth is no light matter. The fact that God came down to us in the form of a helpless baby, that God gave his only son…

Don’t get me wrong I enjoy the other Christmas songs like Santa Clause is Coming to Town, nobody does it better than Bruce Springstein, IMO anyway. But there’s something so special about the songs that sing of the birth of Christ, the real reason we are celebrating Christmas. Jesus’ birth. “The First Noel” reminds us that God alerted shepherds tending their sheep of the birth of Jesus. That Christ entered this world in such a simple manner yet his life turned the world upside down. It’s amazing.

Christmas

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My son is home for Christmas. Alyssa and I picked him up this morning and made great time coming home. In addition to the many toys he was given for Christmas from his school, Thomas also has new sneakers he managed to finagle his social worker into buying *right* after Tommy bought him brand new sneakers Thanksgiving weekend. He is charming. I’m so glad Thomas is home. Especially for Christmas. I can’t imagine him not being here. We’ve already set up the batteries in one of the remote controlled cars he received from school. I started thinking about the time we thought Thomas was going to spend Christmas in the psych hospital. That happened about 5 years ago I think.

Thomas had been very aggressive towards me and I finally couldn’t take it anymore and we had him hospitalized I think the beginning of December/end of November. They did some med changes and his behavior stabilized in the hospital like it always did. I was so fortunate to be singing in the choir that year and we were singing for the Live Nativity. Singing in the choir was a life saver for me. My choir family was praying for us.

We made the 2 hour car ride to visit Thomas and attend meetings with the social workers and psychiatrists. I blamed myself for him being hospitalized at this time so close to Christmas. I was thinking I should have initiated it sooner than I did then he would have been discharged earlier. What’s done was done though. The beginning of December melted into the middle of December, the Live Nativity came and went and we were wondering if Thomas was coming home before Christmas. Finally, about 5 days before Christmas we got the call from the social worker that Thomas was indeed spending Christmas in the psych hospital. We were devastated. How was this going to happen?? How were we to spend Christmas morning without one of our children opening gifts? As we were planning and talking about how we were going to make Christmas “happen”, another social worker called 3 days before Christmas to tell us the insurance company decided Thomas should be discharged. I couldn’t believe it. Simply could not. Tommy was beside himself with joy. He drove up as soon as he could to get him. We did have Christmas together and all was “normal”. Thank the Lord.

I’m grateful those days are behind us and we don’t have to worry about whether we’ll all be together for Christmas. I’m grateful for Thomas’ school and that Thomas is able to come home as often as he does, for as long as he does. His school has truly been a blessing.

Christmas shopping

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I’m well underway! It’s been nice because I have actual things on a list to go by. My gosh that list has made my life so much easier especially with my own kids, not to mention nieces and nephews. What was extra nice was that my husband was home the past 2 nights and together we made quite a dent in “The List”. It was nice spending time with him even if it was just shopping. I really appreciate my husband. I not only was glad for the shopping help but I appreciate him as a person. His sense of humor, that he watches me walking towards him with this smile that says he’s so happy to see me. Like I’m someone who’s worth watching. It’s a nice feeling. We split up a few times in the mall, I’m not really a Sears gal and he could care less about the teen/tween stores. After a while we’d find each other again and regroup, refer back to “The List”. We held hands and kissed in public.

I’m glad I have him. I’m thankful the Lord placed him in my life. We’ve been together since we were about 17 years old and married for 19 years this past November. 19 Married Christmases. That’s pretty cool. With the exception of our very first Christmas right after we were married, the other 18 Christmases have been all about the kids. Thomas first of course then just Thomas and Alyssa. Before we knew it Lelly was with us and last but not least along came Samantha. It was nice when the kids were younger and it was fun. But to be honest I enjoy the holidays more now that everyone is older and things aren’t as hectic as they were back then when kids are say under the age of 5.

Fighting

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Do you ever feel like you’re just fighting God?  I do. I feel this way a lot lately. I like my job but I don’t love it.  I want to love what I do, don’t we all? Perhaps that will come with time so I need to be patient. This job had everything on my checklist; part time, in Manhattan, in an office. So I shouldn’t be complaining but I am. I also believe God had a hand in me even getting this job as I know He holds our lives in His hands. I should be grateful since I have been job hunting for the past 9 months or so with no results. I believe He wants me to be where I am yet I feel as though I’m fighting Him the whole way.

I don’t believe in coincidences. God orchestrates and places us exactly where He wants us at all times. I did not fight Him when it came time to have Thomas live at a residential school. I did not fight when the perfect school was literally thrown in our laps with as an added bonus; awesome staffing. But here I am fighting Him over a job. I feel it in my gut, the fight, the inner tantrum we all have when things aren’t as we want them or envisioned them to be. I feel as though I’m a child pouting and stomping over not getting her way.

Why do we/I fight God so much? I find it so difficult to surrender to Him. Even though He will never leave me and His way is always ultimately the best, I’m choosing instead to fight Him. I want to surrender, I want to be obedient but…there’s that spoiled child kicking and having a tantrum. I’m tired of fighting.

God and outside church.

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I love when I’m in church and worshipping our Lord. I feel so content to be there and I know He hears me. Everything seems so black and white and comforting. We love Him, He loves us. Jesus died to save us who are sinners. Since entering the workforce I question how to integrate God and “work”. How to get that feeling on Sunday to last while at work? How do we bring God to work with us? I pray on the way to work constantly. Then afterwards I try to remember to pray for thanks for His presence in my life while I was at work.

Bringing God to work. I know some people who are able to do that successfully. Co-workers know they are Christians and I think that is wonderful. There are many times I would love to shout “I am a Christian, I love Him!” but I’m sure it wouldn’t go over well. My workplace isn’t a traditional office setting. I see clients and then they are on their way. There isn’t any way I could just slip God into the conversation. Or rather I don’t see a way to bring God into the conversation. The client is in my presence for a specific reason/procedure and that is exactly what we talk about, why they are there. Honestly I don’t necessarily want to witness at work, I want to bring God with me to work. Bring his presence with me, make it a part of me. I don’t want to feel the separation of “Sunday” me and “work” me. Its almost as if there are 2 worlds that can’t seem to collide. I want them to collide and coexist in a manner that it would be impossible to separate. It’s like my soul is craving more God in more places of my life.

I’m thinking I need to spend more time in the word. I don’t feel I spend enough time reading my bible and taking note of verses that speak to and/or convict me. I can’t think of any other way to draw closer to God and enable myself to make my worlds collide.

On another note I want my bible to be less “neat”, it’s only recently that I’ve felt bold enough to underline specific verses we’ve gone over while at bible study. A highlighter marker is now on the shopping list.

Prayers and Anxiety

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Anxiety, it stinks or more accurately it sucks. Plain and simple. It sucks to be worried about “things” all the time. Afraid that if you don’t worry that something even more terrible will happen. That’s how my mind works anyway. So I tend to pray more when anxious. Pray for God to take the anxiety away, pray for whatever I’m worried about to NOT actually happen and then pray again for Him to alleviate my anxiety. I have to say sometimes prayer actually works. IME anyway He does take the anxiety down a notch. I know He does. I wish I could lay it all on The Lord so that I have no anxieties the way it says to do in the bible:

1 Peter 5:6-7English Standard Version (ESV)

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

That’s the verse. The verse that really says it all to an anxious person. Now to actually apply it. That’s the tough part. There are times I feel the anxiety is simply a part of who I am as a person. I’ve learned some techniques for managing it but nothing really makes it go away. I should learn from my own past as the times that I have been able to cast my anxieties on Him; The Lord has not let me down. He truly answered my prayers. Those are the times where I’ve been exhausted by the anxiety and felt I had no where left to turn except to the Lord. I want to be in a place to cast my anxieties on him before I’m exhausted. I need to remember that He will never leave or forsake me.