Prayer

Oh Praise Him

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I woke up with this song running through my head. The lyrics are quite simple, telling us to praise Him…” all this for our King… He is Christ our King…” I think of how easy it is to praise Him when things are going good or “smooth” as I like to think. It’s when trials come that we are faced with the anger, sometimes feeling as though we’ve been betrayed by our Lord. I keep in mind our Lords Prayer and how we pray, “Thy will be done”.  We are actually praying for His will, His plan to be displayed not ours.  When I think of the lyrics to this song, “How constant, how divine, this song of ours will rise…” I am reminded of how constant His love is for us. How divine and beautiful that love is. It never fails. His love is infinite. He is holy.

I often think of people who question why do bad things happen if there is such a loving God? Why does God allow such evil things. I was asking those same questions when I had my first miscarriage. Why did God even allow me to become pregnant when He was only going to take it away? I had no answers then and I have no answers now. I do know that when I was finally pregnant and I didn’t miscarry I was blessed with a doctor who treated me like glass. I wouldn’t have had that kind of treatment from my care provider with my first 2 pregnancies that ended is miscarriages. This new to me doctor was truly sent from above. And if I never had the miscarriages I never would have met him and I certainly wouldn’t have my Samantha. Don’t get me wrong I was very angry with God at that time in my life. However His will was done and even though I thought I could never get through that painful time I did, but not without His help. I did eventually praise Him again and asked in prayer for Him to protect the growing child within me.

I’m sure we all go through a season where we aren’t praising Him. And we’re even angry with him for the “No” answers to prayer. Where we feel abandoned by our God. We need to hold on to His promise that He will never leave or forsake us. And even sing a song here and there that reminds us that He is holy.

Getting knocked down

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I went to bible study last night and was struck by a conversation surrounding how the enemy likes to strike us down, we then question “why me God?” And wonder why He even chose us to follow Him.

I started going back to church and accepted Christ as my savior when things were going well in my life. Thomas was living at home we had a wonderful counselor for him who came to the house to work on various goals such as going to the stores and paying for items, etc… She easily became part of our family. Life was really good.

Fast forward a year or so and Thomas was having potentially dangerous side effects to one of his medications. We
had to change his meds and it was disastrous. He became aggressive towards me and I was forced to call an ambulance more than once to preserve my safety and Thomas was hospitalized many times. I felt like my world was falling apart. This was
also when the depression started settling in. I remember feeling far from God. That he moved away from me. I even had a dream that I was praying and I had a big glass dome over me and my prayers couldn’t get past the glass to reach God.

At no time did I stop believing or blame God. I did become angry at him but I did not feel forsaken, just separate and broken.

I find it so interesting that He chose me to return to Him and accept Christ during a “good” season in my life and then the storms hit. I kept praying even though I felt so far away. One particular storm lasted for years (the depression).

During this season of my life things are nice. Not stress free but calm. I know He has great plans that have yet to be revealed. And even though I had a season of feeling separate from Him, God never left me.

His Presence

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God’s presence in our lives is so important. It’s something you don’t realize you have until you feel it is missing. His presence is real and it is powerful. I feel so blessed to have our Lord’s presence in my life.

When I was depressed I missed God’s presence. The depression makes you feel alone and forgotten. I still prayed and believed don’t get me wrong I probably prayed more when I was depressed than I do when I’m not depressed. Or rather I pray differently. These days I pray more in praise of His greatness than for healing. It makes sense now that I’m in a different place.

Today our Pastor preached about “Jars of clay” and how that is what we are as Christians. But we contain a treasure which is the Gospel. I loved it. To know that we carry such a powerful message and it is our charge to spread that message. That Jesus poured himself out and died for us. Sinners. This message is one that we should not contain yet we do.  I do anyway. I don’t see myself as a minister even though that is what I am according to my Pastor. I worry that when presented with a situation to spread the Gospel I will fail. I will fail the Lord and Savior I worship. My only calming thought is that the Holy Spirit will not fail me and carry me and my words to exactly who and where they’re supposed to be. I wish for boldness in spreading the Gospel.

His presence surrounds us and I never forget His promise that He will never leave or forsake us. Those truths are what keep me centered and focused.  We serve a mighty and wonderful God.

Christmas

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My son is home for Christmas. Alyssa and I picked him up this morning and made great time coming home. In addition to the many toys he was given for Christmas from his school, Thomas also has new sneakers he managed to finagle his social worker into buying *right* after Tommy bought him brand new sneakers Thanksgiving weekend. He is charming. I’m so glad Thomas is home. Especially for Christmas. I can’t imagine him not being here. We’ve already set up the batteries in one of the remote controlled cars he received from school. I started thinking about the time we thought Thomas was going to spend Christmas in the psych hospital. That happened about 5 years ago I think.

Thomas had been very aggressive towards me and I finally couldn’t take it anymore and we had him hospitalized I think the beginning of December/end of November. They did some med changes and his behavior stabilized in the hospital like it always did. I was so fortunate to be singing in the choir that year and we were singing for the Live Nativity. Singing in the choir was a life saver for me. My choir family was praying for us.

We made the 2 hour car ride to visit Thomas and attend meetings with the social workers and psychiatrists. I blamed myself for him being hospitalized at this time so close to Christmas. I was thinking I should have initiated it sooner than I did then he would have been discharged earlier. What’s done was done though. The beginning of December melted into the middle of December, the Live Nativity came and went and we were wondering if Thomas was coming home before Christmas. Finally, about 5 days before Christmas we got the call from the social worker that Thomas was indeed spending Christmas in the psych hospital. We were devastated. How was this going to happen?? How were we to spend Christmas morning without one of our children opening gifts? As we were planning and talking about how we were going to make Christmas “happen”, another social worker called 3 days before Christmas to tell us the insurance company decided Thomas should be discharged. I couldn’t believe it. Simply could not. Tommy was beside himself with joy. He drove up as soon as he could to get him. We did have Christmas together and all was “normal”. Thank the Lord.

I’m grateful those days are behind us and we don’t have to worry about whether we’ll all be together for Christmas. I’m grateful for Thomas’ school and that Thomas is able to come home as often as he does, for as long as he does. His school has truly been a blessing.

Prayers and Anxiety

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Anxiety, it stinks or more accurately it sucks. Plain and simple. It sucks to be worried about “things” all the time. Afraid that if you don’t worry that something even more terrible will happen. That’s how my mind works anyway. So I tend to pray more when anxious. Pray for God to take the anxiety away, pray for whatever I’m worried about to NOT actually happen and then pray again for Him to alleviate my anxiety. I have to say sometimes prayer actually works. IME anyway He does take the anxiety down a notch. I know He does. I wish I could lay it all on The Lord so that I have no anxieties the way it says to do in the bible:

1 Peter 5:6-7English Standard Version (ESV)

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

That’s the verse. The verse that really says it all to an anxious person. Now to actually apply it. That’s the tough part. There are times I feel the anxiety is simply a part of who I am as a person. I’ve learned some techniques for managing it but nothing really makes it go away. I should learn from my own past as the times that I have been able to cast my anxieties on Him; The Lord has not let me down. He truly answered my prayers. Those are the times where I’ve been exhausted by the anxiety and felt I had no where left to turn except to the Lord. I want to be in a place to cast my anxieties on him before I’m exhausted. I need to remember that He will never leave or forsake me.

Moving on!

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So that interview I was so excited about last week? Yeah, it’s a “No”. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t disappointed, I am/was. But I know it simply was not to be. I do believe that what’s meant to be will be and this job was not meant for me. I’m still sending out resumes, still on the hunt. I learned that I’m not trusting God enough. I have to put all of my trust in Him, not just when I feel it’s convenient or when things are going well. The true test is when things don’t seem to be going your way. Am I still trusting him? When I was disappointed about not getting this job, was I trusting him? To be honest no I wasn’t. I’ve been thinking long and hard about this. I am putting my trust that The Lord will direct me to the right job. I need to be patient (not one of my strong points as I’ve written about). I need to trust Him. Trust him will all my heart even when things don’t seem to be going my way.

This thinking also leads back to my decision to return to Bible study this fall. I believe I’ve made up my mind to join a group I’m just trying to figure out which group? Our church hosts many small groups for just about every station in life. I’m leaning towards the familiar which is the small group I’ve attended in the past, the leader is wonderful. But then I wonder what a different group would be like? Such issues… I’m glad this is one of the decisions in my life right now.

So I’m moving on with the job search and moving on with the Bible study decision.

I need more patience.

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What does it take to learn patience? Because I obviously have none. I’m applying to jobs and first I had to wait out labor day weekend. Then the week after labor day because most people are still in vacation mode with it being a short week and all. I want things yesterday. I took my CPR for health providers class today and that was nice and a relief all at once. Nice because I was able to be around other grown ups and relief because I passed. I was unnecessarily worried that I would fail the class. I need a self confidence kick.

So getting back to my lack of patience. It seriously stinks. Actually I want more than patience I want whom ever reads my submitted resume to get back to me with a “Yes we want you and please come in for an interview” or “No…we’re not interested”. I don’t think I’m asking too much, haha! I’m sure me and the thousands of other job hunters out there would really appreciate one or the other reply.

So here’s the part when I need to trust God. To trust that He has already picked out the job for me and I simply need to wait on Him and His time table. A time table that does NOT resemble mine at all. I want things asap, God will provide when His time is perfect. Not necessarily when He is ready but when the time is literally perfect for Him to move.

I noticed I haven’t been praying as much as I had been before summer started and everyone was home and my routine was disturbed. I’ve begun praying again and I notice a peace that surrounds me when I pray. I not only pray for direction but also to worship. Worship Him who will finish what He has started. Worship the one and only true God. I’ve missed that feeling of peace when I was pre-occupied with “summer”. School has begun and I can get back to regular prayer and I also need to incorporate prayer when things get so busy. A way to make prayer a part of who I am and not just what I do when I think of it.

Praying hard…

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I’ve not hidden the fact that I am a Christian, that I pray, and that I have been diagnosed with depression.  Sometimes I feel like all three of those things are what define me lately.  I think about our Lord constantly wondering what His plans are, every day praying for direction and guidance.  I pray for Him to take away the depression, just literally take it away and since that’s not happening soon enough for me, I also thank The Lord for placing me in the hands of wonderful professionals who know how to treat me.  I thank Him for the knowledgeable and warm doctor and therapist I am in the care of.  I heard on the radio today, “pray hardest when it’s hardest to pray”.  Wow.  What  a statement.  I felt like this was directly talking to me because when the depression rears its ugly head I find it hardest to pray.  I find it hardest to believe He is with me.  I know in my heart He has not left me and God never will leave me but in those times of “grayness” and confusion I do pray when it’s hardest to pray and sure enough the fog lifts and I again feel secure in the love of my Lord.  And I’m so glad I did pray. Sometimes all I do is praise Him and thank Him for the many blessings He has given me. Many times just doing that; thanking and praising is enough to kick start some serious prayer session and I’m so glad I did that.

I saw my doctor yesterday. I let the depression carry on while I tried to fight it while refusing to call my doctor. Finally I just grew tired. Tired of feeling as if life is just passing me by while I mark off time. God placed this warm, extremely competent and caring physician in my path, I am a fool to not take advantage of that. I learned recently it can take a somewhat long time to recover from depression and trauma. Interesting, in my opinion anyway. I seriously thought I would take some meds, get some therapy and be on my happy way. Wrong. I never in a million years thought I’d still be in this battle. It is a battle and I’m fortunate that God is with me. I pray when it’s hardest to pray and He hears me.

Discouraged and disconnected.

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I haven’t blogged in a while mainly because I haven’t had much to say.  I’ve been discouraged and disconnected.  Discouraged because my job hunting (along with many others) has been fruitless.  Disconnected and not feeling a part of my life, like it’s just going on without me.

Today I’m relieved to admit I no longer feel discouraged or disconnected.  No, I haven’t found a job but it’s ok.  I’ve stopped measuring my worth as “less than” because I’m still at home.  I’m where God wants me to be right now and no amount of temper tantrums will change that unless it’s what He wants.  I’m still actively job searching but no longer discouraged. When the right job comes along and I know it will, everything will fall into place. It’s just taking a lot longer than I had hoped. But it’s not my plan anyway.

As for feeling disconnected, I didn’t even realize I was disconnected until Tommy pointed it out to me.  I thought I was “ok” not realizing I am missing out on my little world. I wasn’t really enjoying anything either, even thrift shopping believe it or not was not working it’s usual magic.  When you do get disconnected it’s not pleasant and you distance yourself from everything and anything. Hence me not blogging. (This isn’t to say any time I don’t blog I’m feeling that way, sometimes I really don’t have much to say)  I realize (now) this is part of a defense mechanism I have from dealing with the trauma of Thomas being aggressive with me.  I feel like “still??”  This is still freaking affecting me?  My gosh seriously?  But yes it is.  I guess there is no expiration date in dealing with things that are traumatic in your life.

Speaking of Thomas, he will be home this weekend for Mother’s Day.  I’m glad he’ll be here and he’s really looking forward to coming home. 

So I feel like writing…

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Yes I feel like writing but I don’t have a specific topic I’d like to cover.  I notice I get more inspiration when I write about God.  Why is that? I think I’m still on a spiritual high from singing with the choir yesterday, nervousness aside.  I notice Mondays after we sing are usually quite sweet.  I’m still singing the songs from the day before in my head.  Singing His praises.  What could be better than that?  I’m no longer doubting if I am “enough”, it seem once I get things off my chest by writing this blog, the issue seems to resolve itself.  Coincidence?  No, since I don’t believe in coincidences only God’s plan. 

I’m really looking forward to Easter service this year.  It’s the first year I’ll be singing with the choir on Easter Sunday.  In the past few years it was too complicated with the kids and/or Thomas.  The songs that were chosen are just perfect and glorify our Lord in such a wonderful way. 

What else do I have to say?  I’m not sure.  I know I’m in a good place today and the sun is shining and my family is healthy and God loves me.  Jesus died for me.  Today I read Romans 5:8 “…but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  Powerful.  

Isaiah 55:9 spoke volumes to me today.  “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher that your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” 

I have on my phone for a screensaver 2Samuel 22:33 (KJV) “God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect”  Isn’t that just the truth.