Residential school

The hurt.

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When I spoke to my son on the phone the other day I didn’t mention that I felt sad afterwards.  Sad that this is his life away from us.  Before we had to take him off the one med that produced stability I had things pretty wrapped up for Thomas.  He was in a great school, awesome recreation programs and on the waiting list for group home placement for when he turned 21.  Thomas was also pleasant to be around.  High maintenance yes but not aggressive and well liked at school and his other programs.  It’s only recently have I realized that my way is not the way things were to go.  As my husband likes to say, “We’re not in charge”.  He’s right.

When I think back to actually admitting Thomas to residential; as his mother I literally gave them my son.  I couldn’t live like that anymore and neither could he. I was still spiraling from depression and everything just felt so hopeless. I realize now that our situation was not hopeless. I did love my son enough to want him to get help even if that meant handing him to other people and admitting I couldn’t do it.

I think what hurt the other day was the cold water reality that “my way” that I worked so hard for wasn’t ever going to happen. It really bothered me and it took a therapy session to unearth that in me. I’ve had time to digest that fact and I’m ok with it. What matters most is that Thomas receives all the supports and help he needs. He also needs his mother. I need to remember that, he’ll always need me here and there just like the girls. Heck I still need my mother.

I wish I had something deep and philosophical to write about the love and courage it took to allow other people to help shape my son’s future. I don’t. I can only say that it stings even hurts sometimes but it will be totally worth it to watch him grow.

IEP meeting

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I spoke to my son tonight.  He called from school.  It was sweet listening to him, mostly because he wants to talk to me. And that means a lot considering all I’ve been through with him. My girls tell me about their day and friends, funny things that happen and I love it. I love that they talk to me but when it’s Thomas…he’s so deliberate in what he wants to say you feel like you don’t want to miss anything. And that he wants to talk to you and tell you about his day or upcoming events, well it’s special.

I had Thomas’ IEP meeting today (Individualized Education Plan) which is goals and therapies his school must work on and provide. This meeting was with the district. It was the most uneventful meeting ever! I already spoke with Thomas’ school last week via teleconference about building on previous goals and new goals for Thomas so the IEP meeting was a but redundant. I was happy it was redundant though. I’ve had way too many IEP meetings with me yelling and crying through the meeting because I didn’t feel heard. In those days I was fighting for my son and at this moment in time I don’t have to fight. I watched a woman younger than me walk in anger down the hall with mention of her attorney. I’ve been there, done that, have the t shirt. Part of me wanted to tell her everything will be ok, but I don’t know that at all. I don’t know her situation but I know exactly how she feels and it’s not a good feeling.

When I sat down with the district representative and a district psychologist I recognized the rep from many IEP meetings of years past. I know I’d been unpleasant to this woman during those meetings. Those meetings were full of tension and uncertainty and mistrust. At one point she asked if I remembered her and I smiled and said yes. She asked if my hair used to be blonde, I laughed and said yes. We chatted quite a bit about my son’s school, how happy we are with his placement and how happy we were with the previous school. I’ve never had such a district IEP meeting, ever! When we were done I thanked them and said it was so nice to have a meeting where I was “relaxed”. I look forward to future meetings of this manner. Praise God!

Another meeting

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I had a teleconference meeting yesterday with my son’s school to discuss his progress and goals for the next year.  To start off I am very happy with this school.  They know my son and that by itself goes a long way.  His future goals are pretty much a continuation of last year’s or should I say they are building on last year’s goals.  Right now Thomas “works” at a Goodwill not far from his school, does his laundry with supervision at the laundromat and shops at the supermarket also supervised. His teacher stressed to me that if they are at say the library and Thomas has a question he is directed to ask the librarian, same with the supermarket, etc… I love that they are promoting independence. I know there is no way I could have done these things with him and keep an eye on our youngest and hope Thomas doesn’t get aggressive. I know the school setting is very different than our home setting, they have structure, back up and staff available. I don’t.

After the teleconference I did feel a bit sad that this is our reality. Thomas’ reality. I don’t regret the decision for residential school. His placement alone is testimony to The Lord. As thrilled as I am with Thomas’ progress and placement there’s still that pain there. Sometimes it is more dull than other times. But it’s there. I don’t think it will ever go away.

Speaking of The Lord and meetings I had an experience a week or so ago that left me not knowing what to make of it. I was driving home with the girls and the Christian music station was on the radio. I was listening to the music and thinking how wonderful it must have been to be a disciple of Jesus back then. To have heard Him teach and be witness to His kindness and forgiveness firsthand. To be able sit close and be able to touch Him. I can’t describe how incredible I think that would be. The next thing I knew I had a crystal clear image of me sitting next to Jesus. We were on the ground near boulders in a green field. He was speaking but I don’t know what he was saying, I was intently listening and in awe of Him. Then, I was “back”. I never took my eyes off the road and I wasn’t daydreaming. I felt as if He met with my soul if that is possible. And the joy, the joy I felt was similar to when I met The Lord the first time when I was stopped at a red light.

There is nothing like that joy and I don’t want to forget it. At first I was nervous to share this experience but thinking more, I’m not. It’s my experience and there has to be a reason it hasn’t been revealed yet.

The Who’s and Why’s

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There are many times I feel unsure of what to write. I’ve visited the sites that give you ideas (thank you Rob), but I don’t think they are “me”. I like to write about what is on my mind even though whatever that topic may be might not be as interesting to a reader as it is to me. Then I ask myself who am I writing for? Myself or an audience? This blog has been extremely therapeutic for me. I’ve never been so honest about our life with Thomas. I never thought I’d be so honest about dealing with depression and medication and therapy. I never thought I’d receive the feedback I did because of my honesty. So I guess I’m writing for me and an audience even though I know my audience varies from time to time.

When I look back to a year ago I thought I was doing “well” handling the depression. I can see now the difference a year makes. Last year I was not doing well at all and I thank God I can see the difference today. A year ago had I ran into the mom I wrote about in my last post I probably would have broke down in tears explaining Thomas in residential school. I didn’t even come close to that the other day. And as an added bonus, Janice told me I looked great. We all know what an ego boost a compliment is.

I truly wonder what I will be reflecting on a year from now. I pray it’s the take off of my business but if not it will be ok as right now I know it’s in God’s hands and if He feels it’s not to be then it is not to be and God will have other plans for me.

Another Mom’s View

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This morning I ran into a mom I met through one of Thomas’ recreation programs.  Her name is Janice and she’s such a nice person.  Her son is not as high functioning as my son and she works so hard to make sure he is in the correct programs.  Her son is in his early twenties I believe.  Anyway, it was so nice to see her, I told her Thomas  wasn’t attending the recreation program anymore as he’s now in a residential school.  Her face immediately changed and she said to me, “You love your son so much that you did this for him, you got him into a residential school for him. You and your husband made that decision and I know it was hard. You really love him. I don’t think I love my son as much because I can’t let him go.” Turns out Janice’s son was in a residential placement a few years ago but she was very unhappy with how he was treated so she took him out.

I almost fell over hearing her say those words. Fell over at the fruit and vegetable stand we were chatting in. I told her that of course she loves her son that she did do residential but it didn’t work out, it wasn’t the right time. And I mean every word I said, I’m not one to patronize.

We chatted more about our sons, I gave a quick summary of Thomas’ behavior that ultimately led to us having to chose residential. Janice completely understood and said her son isn’t as aggressive but some days are very difficult. I understood her.

These days Janice has created a program for her son and similar functioning young adults. There’s socialization and activities, I was so impressed with what she has created and now has up and running. It’s amazing really.

It really shows how God works. If her son had stayed in residential, I wonder if would she had been as driven to create this program ? It’s also amazing that I ran into her now, not when I would have burst into tears trying to explain things. Today I was able to hold a normal conversation which is what one is supposed to do. It was nice to talk to another mom of a special needs child.

It was very nice to hear someone “in the know” say that I love my son so much but I don’t think I love my son anymore than she loves hers.

God and therapy

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I told my therapist today that I believe she was placed in my life on purpose by God so many years ago (she helped us with Thomas and how to navigate the board of Ed for the first residential school).  I was surprised that she didn’t bat an eye at my statement.  I don’t know her religious background or beliefs, but I do feel comfortable saying what I believe is true as a Christian.

When I was first searching for a therapist I was convinced I had to find a Christian therapist. I was afraid of my faith being mocked or if the therapist had different beliefs or was an atheist they would argue with me. I know now that I was being unreasonable but back in the day that’s how I felt. When I did see a counselor from church all we pretty much did was talk about helpful bible verses and my son’s behavior. In hindsight it was not what I needed at all and if not for my husband telling me this wasn’t working I don’t know where I’d be.

This is not to say all counselors who work at or volunteer at a church or place of worship aren’t any good, I was just much more depressed than originally thought and I needed stronger interventions.

It took Nancy and Dr. L and medication to get me well and I know they are both working under The Lord’s guidance. He is the great physician and I’m so thankful His light is shining to defeat the darkness of depression. I did an exercise with Nancy today where I had to visualize the depression as an object and what will beat it. I pictured the Light of God coming in and destroying the dark object of depression. I ended the exercise visualizing the Light shining continually on the hiding place of the depression.

Nancy asked what I visualized and I told her about the light of God shining down. I didn’t know how she would react but she smiled and approved. That really meant so much to me.

The Mall

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I was in the mall with our youngest, Samantha and I noticed a young man holding the arm of another young man. I looked again and noticed it was an outing of special needs young adults. Sometimes seeing this makes me sad. Not because the people are special needs, but because my special needs young adult goes on these outings without me.

Before everything fell apart when we changed medications (due to low white blood cell counts caused by one med), I had a picture and plan of what our lives would be like. It all seemed to be fitting into place. Thomas was in a great school, we both adored the staff, he was a part of great recreation programs and Thomas was on the waiting list for group homes once a space became available after he turned 18.

Don’t get me wrong I’m incredibly grateful for the school Thomas attends now and I know we couldn’t continue to live the way we did any longer. I know all this logically. However logic and emotion usually don’t reside together, not in my mind anyway. It’s not all the time that I get sad, just here and there. I guess I feel sorry for myself and that sounds terrible, to me anyway. I don’t like pity parties. When I see these young adults I remember “the plan” and how it’s no longer viable. Then I remember that I was never in charge anyway. God is and He has his own plan. One I am not necessarily privy to. I have to trust in Him.

As much as I mourn the change of my plan, I do enjoy the quiet environment of my home these days. It’s not always “quiet”, there are 3 girls living here, one a teen and one a pre-teen. But it’s not chaotic either. And I’m not emotionally exhausted trying to keep everyone peaceful and myself safe. It’s kind of a sucky trade off to see my son turn into someone I would fear, but God will use this for his glory. I know he will.

There are some things I miss so much about when Thomas was stable on that particular medication. I will never forget one time, about 3 years ago, right before we had to stop the one medication. Thomas and I were in Manhattan to see his psychiatrist. Saks Fifth Avenue was a few blocks from the doctor’s office and my husband had just informed me I could purchase my dream handbag. There was a boutique in Saks. Thomas and I get there and he helped me pick out some bags to try on. The whole time asking me, “You gonna buy it Mom?”. Meanwhile I was overwhelmed and hyperventilating as I never in a million years saw myself buying this designer handbag. I went outside to call my husband and ask him if I could but it there at Saks without him present. It took a while to get him on the cell phone so Thomas and I walked to a find a pretzel vendor. Just as we found a pretzel guy, Tommy called back and said to get the bag, to open a Saks account as I didn’t have our major credit card with me. I told Thomas I was getting the bag and he practically ran back to Saks! I had to keep up with him, lol! Thomas was walking so fast saying “Excuse me, my Mom’s getting that bag!”. We arrive back at Saks and the salesman was so great to Thomas. He didn’t patronize him. Thomas pointed to the bag and confidently said, “That one, my mom’s buying it!”. Unfortunately I was unable to open a Saks account as I didn’t have my major credit card with me. Arrgghhhh!!!! I tried to explain that if I had the credit card I wouldn’t need to open the Saks account. They wouldn’t budge so I had to explain to Thomas that I didn’t have the right card but I will get the bag another time. I’m not sure who was more disappointed him or me.

About 2 weeks later I made my way to The Mall at Short Hills in NJ. Tommy couldn’t come as Samantha was sick. You know Thomas came with me, I had to have him come along to purchase “The Bag”. The whole experience wouldn’t have been the same without him

Today

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It’s early in the morning and I’m wondering what to write about .  A common theme among people who blog I guess. I’m off to Manhattan today. First to see my therapist and then I’ll hit my regular thrift haunts. Most of the staff knows me and will always say hello. I enjoy that, if they don’t say hi to me I’ll go out of my way to say hello to them. Why not? It really is nice to be nice.

When I started this blog I fully intended it to be about my life and thrifting. Then I realized I couldn’t talk about my life unless I talked about Thomas and the huge part he played in shaping who I am today. Depression included. I don’t blame him for the depression, I don’t blame him for anything at all. However now I find I don’t define myself by as “Thomas’ mother”. I’m not overtaken and defined by the depression either anymore thanks be to God for placing Dr. L and Nancy in my life. When I was in the thick of the depression it absolutely overtook who I thought I was, I couldn’t even remember “me” if that makes sense.

I had a choice this past weekend when Thomas reverted back to behaviors that led us to decide on residential school. At one point I distinctly remember thinking, “You can stand here and have flashbacks and let it take over, or you can leave the room and be ok”. I left the room. That’s not to say I didn’t think of Thomas past actions towards me, I did. I didn’t let them overtake me and gain control if that makes sense.

A short visit

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I’m sitting here right where I’m supposed to be wondering what the heck just happened.  Our son came home for a weekend visit.  We had a great time a couple of weeks ago at his school picnic.  He was wonderful with me.  But this weekend, no.   It started this afternoon after church with a bit of defiant behavior nothing huge or big until you look back.  this afternoon Thomas absolutely did not want me along for the trip to Home Depot with Tommy.  I was going that was it, that’s the way it is.  Tommy managed to coax Thomas to getting in the car.  Thomas stated loud and clear that he wasn’t speaking to me. Fine.

Home Depot went well we decided on and bought a new upstairs hallway light fixture. While Tommy was installing said light fixture my son felt the need to verbally insult me to the point where Tommy asked him to go downstairs. No problem. We have dinner and all seems calmer. That’s cool. Around 7pm while Samantha and I were cruising the American Girl website discussing the finer points of American Girl Dolls and which one would make the better Christmas gift, Thomas walks over and starts verbally berating me. After about 20 minutes Tommy got him to sit with him on the couch and watch tv. Thomas still isn’t done and announces that we shouldn’t call him at school and he isn’t calling us. Fine. Then Thomas decides he wants to go back to school NOW. Tommy tells me to pack his stuff. I did as I’m told and they are on their way to Yonkers.

I don’t know why I’m writing this out. My head still doesn’t understand why this child feels he can say things that are not very nice to me. Why I am his target. I’ve heard all the professional explanations and logically I know it’s not my “fault”. I know if he were a typical child he would say things that aren’t “nice”. I get that as I have a typical 15 yr old. However she doesn’t look for me to aim insults at or call me names that aren’t true.

We are not used to this behavior. We don’t live this way anymore. Praise God I have a level headed husband. The moment Thomas said he wanted to go back Tommy was on his feet. Tommy is my greatest defender. Every day I thank God for putting him in my life.

After the Sail school

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So as you can imagine our house was fairly quiet after Thomas was admitted to the residential school.  Honestly I don’t remember much about the month of July with the exception of celebrating 3 birthdays.  Tommy, Thomas and Alyssa all have July birthdays.  For Thomas’ birthday we took him out to dinner at this Irish Pub down the road from his school. Daniella made him a cake and the waitress was so thoughtful, she put it in the kitchen for us until after dinner. When we were ready we sang “Happy Birthday” and the waitress brought out the cake with plates and a cake server. I thought that was really sweet. Leaving Thomas was really hard. He was only at the school for just over a week but there was no way we wouldn’t celebrate.

In the middle of July, Tommy wanted to get away so we stayed overnight in Wildwood, NJ. It was nice, we went to the beach and stayed at a motel right on the beach. We all had some sunburn so the next day we hit the outlets in NJ on the way home. Tommy and I were both not right but it was good to get away for a little bit.

In August we went to Myrtle Beach, SC. We stayed at a friend’s condo. We had gone there the year before after Thomas was discharged from the hospital. Going without Thomas was difficult, everything we did reminded us of the year before when he was with us. In a weird way I’m glad we went because it forced us to get over doing things as a family without Thomas.

After Myrtle Beach I don’t remember much of the summer. To this day I’m surprised at what I don’t remember. What I do remember is feeling like a failure as a mother. That after all the running around to see all these doctors and specialists, all the evaluations and medications, hospitalizations…residential school was the end result for this child I love so much. I felt like that for months. I addressed this mostly with my therapist, I mean how do you explain this to friends and family?