Being Changed

Lately I find myself reminiscing about how I used to be.  Some of it is the “me” pre-depression, I think I was pretty happy all in all.  In the middle of all that I’ve been changed by the Lord.  Changed in that I don’t like to do certain things, some I never liked at all but would indulge here and there so as to not be a spoil sport.  But last night was kind of a turning point.  My husband and I met old friends for dinner which was great, we hadn’t seen this couple socially in years and it was nice to get together.  After dinner, Tommy and I agreed to go to a sports bar to see another old friend’s band play.  I thought if would be fine but honestly it wasn’t.  Let me just pre face this by saying in the past 10 + years I have not been one to go to bars.  I prefer to go out to dinner with friends and talk normally like human beings, not scream in each other’s ears over the mayhem and loud music of  a bar.   Same goes for loud parties.  Call me old I don’t care.

So we’re at this bar and I rarely drink anymore.  Mainly because of the medication I’m on but I honestly believe this was part of the Lord’s plan as well.  You couldn’t talk to anyone without yelling in their ear plus the place was very crowded.  That part is a plus for our friend’s band.  The band was great, loud but great, they all had a wonderful time playing together and they sounded awesome.  But…this is not for me and I knew it when I agreed to go.  I found myself wondering when this happened.  That I would be at a bar pretty unhappy to be there watching everyone drink around me at times reminiscing to when I was ok with it.  When I would have a few drinks and chat, make small talk have a few laughs.  Really try and have a good time and I would have a good time.  But last night I just couldn’t.  I wouldn’t drink for fear of the alcohol making me want to go to sleep, I wouldn’t make small talk because it was just too difficult over all the noise.  I felt so changed, so very different from everyone around me.  I kept thinking of how I used to be.  I was different.  My comfort zone was different. 

I’m not a “better” person these days.  Just a different person.  I don’t care for crowds, and being where all the people are, just give me a table for two and we’re cool.  I might have one drink.  But these days I find it’s hit or miss if I enjoy that drink or the way it makes me feel.   


I felt so very changed last night.

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