Author: MenayO

On My Phone

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I surprise myself at how many blog posts I write on my phone. I love that I can write when the mood strikes. I’m writing this while on the ferry coming home after work. It’s a beautiful day, this morning was on the cool side but it’s warmed up nicely this afternoon. Alyssa and I took the boat in together this morning and I had a really nice time at work. The clients were babies and the parents were so, so nice; a pleasure I tell you.

Theres the tiniest part of me that doesn’t want to leave especially after having a great morning.  I have to leave if I want to advance. If I want to make more money. I look back at the past 20 years that I wasn’t working as a nurse . I don’t regret staying home with my kids, and working while Thomas was unstable and in need of me wouldn’t have been feasible anyway…I just wish I’d done thing s differently. How “differently ” I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter now things are the way they are and I’m exactly where God wants me to be right now. If I have faith in God I have to have faith in His timing as well.

That’s not to say I’m a pillar of patience; I’m not. Just the opposite I’d say. I put resumes out there and then I’ll pray and pray…I know The Lord hears me. He always hears us. We just don’t always like His answers.

I’m on the bus now my lovely ferry ride is over. The bus is “ok” there aren’t any fights going on today thank goodness and it’s only moderately crowded. I really don’t mind the bus as long as I have a seat which doesn’t always happen. No one bothers you and I’ll close my eyes and pray here and there.

So my commute is coming to an end. I’m sure I’ll write again on my next ferry ride.

Renewing Oneself

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In the past I’ve taken any job that had nothing to do with nursing. I’ve done retail mostly and to be honest I enjoyed it. I liked interacting with the customers and helping them find what they were looking for. I liked feeling appreciated, I was fortunate that the undesirable customers were few and far between. Either that or I just have a good sense of humor. But alas the retail schedule and rate of pay isn’t one that coincides with a family with small children. At least not my family when our kids were younger. My husband was losing out on overtime because I wasn’t home to watch our kids. I couldn’t make the same money he made so it didn’t make financial sense for me to continue working in retail at that time.

Since that time, I’ve renewed my nursing liscence and have been hired to work as a nurse. I’m piercing ears in The City and I enjoy my job, I really do. It’s not my ideal job but it’s been good for the past 2 years. The hours worked for us and the pay is fair. However I’m not satisfied any longer. I’m actively job searching for another job. Another nursing job. One that is ideally full time but I’ll take part time with more hours than I’m currently working now.

I never thought I’d be here in this place of searching for a  hopefully full time nursing position. I had sworn off nursing forever some years ago. “Never say never” is the famous saying. And I’m living proof of that. I don’t know what renewed my passion for nursing. Is it the confidence that comes with age or that my life is a lot more simpler now that most of our kids are older and more self sufficient? I don’t know to be honest. All I know is that I’m in a position many would love to be in with nursing liscence in hand and experience to boot. I’m eagerly awaiting my resume to be read and hopefully have an interview or two as a result. If not God simply wants me where I am for now, piercing ears…

The 5th Grade!

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My “baby”, my youngest, Samantha is in the 5th grade. One of the “big kids” in school now. I’m amazed at how slow yet fast these past 5 years have gone.  I’ve been a parent of one child or another for the last 14 years at this grammar school. It started with Alyssa going there for pre-k when she was 4 yrs old. Alyssa is now 18; do the math…

I’m not the only long term parent there thank goodness. I’ve become great friends with Samantha’s bff’s grandfather. He’s been picking up his grandchildren almost as long as I’ve been picking up my kids. He’s a Christian as well so we’ve had the best conversations about the Lord. He’s definitely one of a kind.

So getting back to Samantha. I’m thrilled for her to be in 5th grade and be a big fish in a small pond. I know it’s what everyone says but it does seem like yesterday that she was starting kindergarten there. She’s known by all her teachers as Samantha is one that walks to the beat of her own drummer. She’s not particularly a girly girl like her older sisters were/are. She’s not into what she wears unless it’s a certain brand of sneaker. She loves video games and mindcraft on YouTube. She’s also fiercely independent, much more so than her sisters were at that age. You would think with her being the baby of the family she would act much younger but she doesn’t she tries her best to keep up with her older sisters, in her own way.  She loves walking home by herself when I’m at work and unable to walk her home. Last school year I even allowed her to walk to school by herself a few times. It’s a four block walk straight away from our house to the school. She walked with such pride.

So I’m officially the mother of a 5th grader. I expect this year to go fast I hope it’s uneventful as well.

 

 

Thomas and the Group Home and God.

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Thomas called last night. He’s super excited and nervous about moving to the group home. The progress of which is at a stand still while we wait for the State to make its next move. I’m ok with the wait. Thomas is in a great place with people who genuinely care for him. It’s not like we have to move him now or else…

While on the phone with him I couldn’t help but feel guilty. It’s the same guilt that has plagued me since he went to live at the residential school he’s at now. That I couldn’t serve all Thomas’ needs. I actually though this morning as I reminisced about his life, “Why did God give him to me knowing I couldn’t provide everything he needs?” As usual God’s ways are higher than ours and one day I’ll know His way regarding my son. Until then I wonder. I wonder if He gave me Thomas because He knew I’d try so hard to help him? Did He know I would go beyond our scope as a family to get Thomas what he needed even if it disrupted Tommy and my vision of what an intact family looked like? That we would allow Thomas to learn from people while living somewhere else?  These are questions I ask rhetorically. I know with all my being that The Lord knows everything. As difficult as it was raising Thomas, God was there every step of the way. Orchestrating and overseeing it all. Nothing was a surprise to Him as it was to us.

I wish I didn’t feel the guilt. I supposed I’ll always feel some measure of guilt that Thomas’ needs go beyond what I can reasonably provide. I think back to all the doctors and specialists. Those who helped and those who were less than helpful (understatement). The Lord orchestrated every move; every appointment. He was faithful. And He’ll orchestrate my son’s future of this I am certain.

Earlier I said we are waiting for the State to make its next move but in reality God is in charge and it is His love and mercy that will decide what the next move is for Thomas. It always has been God.

Saturday

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I’m on my way to work like I do most Saturday’s. Taking the ferry to Manhattan and wondering what the day holds for me. I enjoy being in the city, taking the subway, walking to the building where I work. It’s very busy where my office is and I like the hustle and bustle. When we were in North Carolina for vacation I enjoyed the slower pace of the South. The smooth paved roads without pot holes. My first day back at work walking through Herald Square was a jolt back to reality. “Step up” I told myself as I walked to my building. I immediately longed for a day at the beach as I had the week before.

But that was vacation, a stretch of time unmarred by responsibilities and stress. Not that my life is extremely stressful, it’s not. It’s just life like anyone else’s. There are periods of stress but nothing like I lived when Thomas was living home and unstable. Waiting on the State to move him into the group home is mildly stressful but it’s not in my hands so there’s little to truly worry about.

The windows are open on the ferry and it’s a bit chilly in here. Quite the change in weather from the past couple of weeks. Soon the boat will dock and I’ll be in my way to catch my train and my Saturday will rev up in pace compared to now just sitting here  writing. I’m wearing a new dress I scored at Nordstrom Rack. It’s Missoni and I’m loving it.

The train is now approaching.  I’m off!

What I Need

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I was driving and listening to one of the Christian radio stations we have here and the dj played an intro to a song. The intro was from one of the artists who’s song was about needing Jesus. And it hit me. I need Him. I really do. I was thinking of all the times in my life I thought I could do it on my own or thought I was doing things in my own strength and how very wrong I was/am.

I started thinking of how many times I didn’t thank God for his goodness and mercy. I repented for transgressions that happened a long time ago. He knows. I’m sitting here at the ferry terminal waiting to go to work and I realize He is here. Right here in this building full of people waiting to get to work, school, tourists… Our Lord and Savior is alive and well and He is with us wherever we go even in times or trial, especially in times of trial. I never before thought of The Lord as being so… so tangible. His love is amazing and all anyone has to do to receive it is accept Him as your Savior; the Lord of your life.

I also thought of The Gospel. The truth that God sent his only son who lived a sinless life to die a horrible death for us all of us. It’s so very humbling and unreal and so very real at the same time.  The Gospel is indeed good news!

I thought of all this while driving home from bringing my daughter to my Mom’s for a sleepover. It’s amazing how God will meet you where you are when you’re least expecting it. He meets you where you are… You don’t need to be “perfect” or cleaned up or have your act together to meet Him. The Lord takes you as you are and loves you as you are.

By the Grace of God

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John 9: 2-7

And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. We must work the works of him who sent me while it is day; night is coming, when no one can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” Having said these things, he spat on the ground and made mud with the saliva. Then he anointed the man’s eyes with the mud …

When my son was younger I often thought I was being punished by God because of the way Thomas was. The horrible tantrums, aggression towards me, the multiple doctors, MRI’s, not being believed by specialists, having a pediatrician who was less than helpful…it was not a good scene. However, I was blessed with a supportive husband, parents and friends. And I can’t forget my wonderfully typical Alyssa who was so young at the time. Nonetheless I though I did something  to anger God and that’s why Thomas was the way he was.

Since then I’ve definitely changed my mind, I was not punished by God. Thomas, we later learned was brain damaged and it wasn’t my fault. I’ve also seen God work to His glory through my son. I’ve seen a change in me, Thomas absolutely changed me and the way I see others parent their children. He’s made me less judgemental.

I’ve seen God’s glory and mercy when Thomas was placed in the top residential school why he was just 8 years old. He was under the care of wonderful professionals who were more than happy to communicate with us. That placement in that school was definitely orchestrated by The Lord.

Thomas’ placement in his current school has God’s fingerprints all over it. The school, the staff and their timing are a true example of professionalism and caring all rolled in one. I never had to worry about Thomas’ safety or whether they were following his IEP.

Now as we wait for Thomas to finalize being transferred to the group home I have no one by The Lord to thank. Again and again He’s showed how His timing is perfect. His way is right and just. His glory has shown so brightly through my son. There is no other way to describe the works I’ve seen. There are no coincidences that work out so perfectly and wonderfully. His will be done.

 

 

She’s an Adult.

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I’m so proud of my daughter Alyssa. She started college today. Her first day. Tommy drove her in to Manhattan with him this morning. She said it went really well except for being unable to find her first class and arriving there late. She even made a friend. Everything you want for your child. I’m proud of her for going to college by herself in Manhattan. She’s very familiar with the city having gone many times with friends either shopping or going out to eat. But this is different, even though she’s still living at home she’s grown wings and is flying solo. She’s an adult.

Alyssa even went on an interview today to pass out a magazine during the upcoming fashion week. It’s a paid position and she has the opportunity to meet many different people including celebrities. I’m excited for her.

My heart swells for her. I love all my girls but Alyssa is my first girl. My first child after Thomas who was able to show me what a typical kid could do. And do it fabulously. I think of the days we lived in Jersey. Thomas would be going off on a tantrum and put in his room to calm down. I used to sit with Alyssa in front of Thomas’ door (guarding the door until he calmed down). Alyssa and I would sing the alphabet or her favorite Sesame Street song. She was 2 and fabulous even then.

I can’t wait to see what this semester brings for my YaYa. My girl. To watch her grow and blossom even more as an adult. I’m so proud of her.

College Orientation

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Here we are on the ferry going towards Manhattan. Destination: The Beacon Theater for Alyssa’s college orientation. It totally seems like yesterday that this stubborn, adorable 4 year old was crying for me to not leave her at pre k. She’s just as stubborn today complaining that she didn’t want to go to this orientation. I just listen there’s nothing I can say. She’s so beautiful, my daughter. And her future is so bright. Today’s orientation is just the beginning of an awesome, adventurous college education. She’s commuting from home this semester with plans to transfer to a different fashion college after this first semester. Alyssa has plans to dorm at the next college. I hope she does get to dorm. I don’t want her to leave home but I do want what she wants to make her happy.

So we begin another journey together but I’m not dropping her off I get to walk along side her for a day. And Alyssa lets me visit the world of a typical family seeing their child off to college.

Vacation is over

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Back to reality,  back home from vacation. We had a great week away. We went to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. It was my family and 2 other families renting a huge beach house. We all got along the adults, the kids…we all did whatever we wanted to do. Feel like going to the beach you ask?  I’ll meet you there. Staying at the house and hanging out by the pool?  Cool me too! Tommy arranged a fishing trip that I didn’t want to go on. Tommy, our girls and another family went on the trip. Turns out they got caught in a terrible storm. Tommy said something appeared on the horizon that looked like a tornado. They weren’t told until they were back on land how dangerous that “tornado” was. I’m just glad everyone returned safe and sound. Even though the trip was cut short they still caught fish.

I loved being at the beach. The beach we were at was gorgeous. Clean sand, sparkling clear green water. You could see your feet and the shells and the schools of minnows that would quickly swim away the closer you got to them. At first the water was so, so cold. But the weather was so hot out the water became refreshing. I was in the water with Alyssa and I couldn’t help but notice there was a very warm breeze blowing by while we were in the cool water. It was heaven. There was one part of the water that had a sand bar. You had to walk out quite a bit and even go past a fairly deep portion of the ocean to get there. But once you were there it was so cool. The waves were amazing. So calm and every now and then a high one. Im missing the beach as I describe it.

Samantha was in her glory as there was a boy her age staying with us who was also into the video games she likes. He was an all around really nice kid and they got along so well.

The drive home was pretty uneventful. 8 hours. Tommy asked me to drive for a hour or so. He wanted to rest his eyes since we were up and left so early in the morning. I didn’t mind driving it was just difficult staying within the varying speed limits. I was so worried of getting a speeding ticket.   Funny I don’t worry so much when I’m driving here at home. So now it’s back to work which I don’t mind. I missed New York a little. Not much…a little.