Author: MenayO

I’m Glad…

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I’m sitting on my front steps thinking of how glad I am to be here. Glad to have a new tattoo, glad to not be depressed and glad to have a new job opportunity. A year ago these things were very different. I wasn’t interested in much other than the way I was feeling which wasn’t that great. Last year I wrote about Thomas turning 18 and how I was job searching. Little did I know back then that in 2 to 3 short months I would be hired by my current employer.

I’m glad to be past the baby stage with my kids. Samantha, our youngest is turning 9 years old soon and I’m blown away at how fast time passes. Our oldest daughter is turning 17 this weekend and will start driving. I’m glad I’m here to see that milestone.

I’m glad I have a husband who loves and supports me. In my darkest times it was his support that held me up. I don’t think he knows how much that meant to me.

I’m glad to have a relationship with God. I don’t know where I’d be without Him in my life. He is an awesome God and I wish more people knew Him and knew the Gospel. That the Lord God gave his only son so that we would be reconciled with Him. An incredible gift and all we have to do is invite Jesus in to our hearts to receive this gift.

I’m glad.

10,000 Reasons

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I woke up having a song running through my head, 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSxocnIaN0A.  Specifically the chorus, “Bless the Lord oh my soul, oh my soul. Worship His holy name…”  Such powerful lyrics. To not only worship the Lord but also His name. He deserves such worship and devotion, the great I Am. Each day I’m amazed at His greatness, how He can change lives, and change people. I know the Lord has changed me. Changed the way I see situations and how I see people. I’ve seen Him work things out in a way that only He can.

I’ll never forget when Thomas was in the psychiatric hospital 2 hours away. I was called to come in for a meeting and Tommy insisted I not go by myself. The meeting was in 2 days and I had no one to come with me. I thought about my church family and calling the church to see if anyone could accompany me. I didn’t call the church. Instead I went to the Macy’s one day sale.  While in Macy’s I ran into Cheryl who is one of the pastor’s wife from church. She immediately asked about Thomas and I told her I had this meeting to go to and I needed someone to come with me. Without missing a beat Cheryl asks, “When is the meeting?” I told her the day and she quickly answered, “I’ll be there.”  I almost fell over right there in Macy’s. And true to her word Cheryl came with me.  I took up her whole day. And she acted as if it were no big deal. That was the work of our God right there working through Cheryl. This was over 3 years ago and Cheryl is now a wonderful, dear friend of mine.

I’ve been praying for a new job all the while knowing this can only happen on His timing, not mine. Now here I am presented with this new opportunity. I don’t know if this is exactly where He wants me to be I can only step out in faith and trust Him.

Life

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A new job opportunity has presented itself to me. It’s a nursing job and its per diem meaning I work when I can/want. It’s for a company that does corporate events such as checking blood pressure, blood sugar, flu shots, etc… I applied last week for the heck of it and heard back last night via email. There’s a training session involved and I’m sure an interview of some sort.

I’m thinking this may be a good gig to get involved with. I would keep the job I have now as it is a steady paycheck and it would be nice to make extra money especially with Alyssa driving in about a week.

I haven’t written about my daughter who turns 17 in less than a week and will be driving at that time. It doesn’t freak me out all that much, mostly because she already passed her road test (on the first try; proud mama brag). I say this of course because she isn’t actually driving yet…I am looking forward to her being able to drive herself and her sisters places to help me out a bit. I’m not looking forward to the hike in our car insurance that I don’t know about yet as I’ve been too chicken to call the insurance company about. So this is life for now 🙂

19

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My son turned 19 today. I can’t believe 19 years have passed since I became a mother for the first time. My Thomas. The one who made me grow up and become an advocate. I wasn’t looking to be anything other than a mother in those days.  I certainly wasn’t looking to be the mother of a special needs child. That was not in the “plan”. As if it’s in anybody’s plan when you start your family . I once read on a special needs parenting message board, “when you agree to become a mother you essentially agree to become the mother of a special needs child…” Meaning you usually don’t know that that child will have issues, or something to that effect, the exact words escape me. I’m not sure I agree with that statement but I’ve never forgotten it.

Being Thomas’ mom changed me. To this day I’m still being changed and challenged and growing and grieving. I don’t think the grieving ever stops when your child is special needs. You never stop wondering the what ifs. We have the added bonus of having to trust virtual strangers to care for our child since he cannot live at home. We have been blessed with the residential facility that Thomas lives at. These “strangers” have earned our respect and many times when we are fortunate enough to see the staff that cares for our son, we are more than happy to be in their presence. More than happy to inquire about their well being. I’m happy to be on a first name basis with the social workers and charge nurse. I’m very happy to be on the receiving end of a hug or kiss hello from them. It’s been 3 years this June that Thomas entered the residential facility and I’m extremely happy to say for the most part it’s been an uneventful 3 years in that there hasn’t been any emergencies or drama or situations to make us unhappy.

This 19th birthday also marks three years that I’ve been treated for depression and anxiety. I first sought help before Thomas’ 16th birthday.  I’m thrilled to be feeling as well as I do. It’s been a long road and now that I am in the light I don’t mind talking about the dark times. I don’t want to dwell on those times but if my writing about my dark time can help someone else and know they’re not alone it’s worth it. 3 years ago I never thought I’d be where I am today.

New Ink part 2

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I said I didn’t really have a meaning other than celebrating life for this tattoo, but my soul sister in Wisconsin figured it out for me. The feathers-the heavy load has been lifted and my mind is as light as a feather; the vines- the growth…the vines are intertwined just like the journey in life and there’s always growth. The lines: the band that has it all together on top, God, my marriage and my children. I love that she figured me out.  Love you Jackie 🙂

New ink !

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So… I did it, I got the tattoo I’ve been wanting. It’s different from what I originally saw online but that’s ok, the artist’s son designed it. The tattoo is on my left leg. One of my best friends asked me what this tattoo meant and I didn’t think it did have a meaning until I sat and thought about the question. I find this tattoo is me celebrating life, coming out of the depression and just enjoying being me. Here is a not so great picture of my new ink.

new tattoo

Good mood

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I’m in a good mood. Life is so good and I’m happy to be a part of it. I went to the tattoo shop to have my nose ring changed and I chose a star stud. It’s bigger than the very small stud that was there before and I love it. I really wanted to go with an actual ring but my husband talked me out of it a couple of weeks ago. And that’s fine.  So while I’m there I showed the tattoo artist the new tattoo I want, his son is designing it as we speak!  I can’t wait for him to finish so I can get it. I would have gotten it last night at my husband’s urging but the artist wasn’t ready; damn, lol!

I was in Manhattan today for work and it’s so nice to be in the city. To be a part of life and the hustle and bustle. I do love New York City. One of the deck hands on the ferry complimented my hair, talk about making a girl feel good!

I’m still hoping my supervisor would offer another day to work; if not I guess it’s not meant to be.. I’ve decided that I’m exactly where God wants me to be. I’ve taken a break from looking for another job. If God wants me somewhere else He’ll open that door or window at his own time, not mine. I do pray for a “window” to open, I mean it can’t hurt right?

I’m so thankful I have such a God in my life. That He would give his only son to die for my and your sins. It’s humbling. And I’m grateful. I’m happy to be here to say He is enough. His grace is enough. What else can I say about our God, He is wonderful and I feel so blessed in this life.

Transparency and Radio Preachers

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I envy those who write with such transparency. Raw-ness. I strive to be like that.  I recently read a blog post about the Semicolon Project http://www.thesemicolonproject.com/.  Their statement is: “A SEMICOLON REPRESENTS A SENTENCE THE AUTHOR COULD HAVE ENDED, BUT CHOSE NOT TO. THAT AUTHOR IS YOU AND THE SENTENCE IS YOUR LIFE.”

This blog post really struck me as I have been there. I’ve been in that dark place where I wanted to end my sentence.  But I didn’t.  Instead I was saved by a radio Pastor. I was on my way to visit Thomas in the psychiatric hospital and I honestly thought this world would be a better place without me in it. The only thing that kept me here was my husband and my girls. I wasn’t worried so much about Thomas as he was the catalyst to my depression. Anyway, I was driving and I liked to listen to a Syrus radio station called “Family Talk” or something like that. It was a station that, every half hour was a different talk from a different Pastor. The only name I can recall was David Jeremiah but I don’t know if he was the one who was preaching. So here I am driving and listening to Pastors’ preach and this one Pastor began talking about suicide. He didn’t say how evil it was and how you were going to hell for taking your own life. No, this Pastor talked about what a gift we were from God. How our bodies were a gift. And why would anyone want to hurt something that was a gift from God? I’ll never forget that sunny afternoon and that Pastor from the radio and how he literally saved my life. I’ll also never forget that I have a God who was thoughtful enough to put me and that radio Pastor together on that afternoon.

So reading about “The Semicolon Project” brought it all back. But it’s ok because I don’t recall that time with tears. Instead I remember it as if I’m remembering a movie I watched. It all seems so far away especially considering where I am now. I’m in a place of peace and I’m happy. Thanks be to God and the right meds.

Blogging and Popularity

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I was wondering what I have to blog about to get a lot of traffic. Part of me doesn’t care all that much since I mainly blog for myself and share with everyone what I’m thinking about at that moment. But… there’s another part of me that wonders what it is like to be a popular blogger with a ton of readers. I don’t blog about anything controversial or obnoxious. I do blog about my life and my relationship with God. I also write about how life was like when I was depressed (clinically depressed not just a sad mood).

I find myself holding back many times. Whether it be to protect myself or the feelings of others. There is so much about my depression especially the very dark times I haven’t written about. I wonder who I am protecting? Myself; my family?  I read some bloggers who have total transparency and I am envious of them. Envious of the ability to be so very open and raw.

For example I never wrote about how deeply I was depressed. It was a very dark time in my life and to be perfectly honest I really felt the world would be better off without me. The only thing that kept me hanging on was my husband and my girls. I wasn’t worried about Thomas as he was the catalyst to my depression. One afternoon I was driving the 2 hours to visit Thomas in the psychiatric hospital and I was listening to a Christian satellite radio station. The station was called “Family Talk” or something like that on Syrus. Every half hour they would play a sermon from well known pastors. I remember David Jeremiah was one of them. Anyway, this particular afternoon during this dark time in my life; the Pastor (who’s name I don’t remember) spoke about suicide. This was definitely from God as no one on this earth knew how I was feeling. This pastor didn’t condemn people and say you were going to hell if you harmed yourself. Instead he spoke of the beauty of oursleves and how our bodies were gifts from God and why would anyone want to hurt God’s gift? I’ll never forget that day or that Pastor because he saved my life. I remember the highway I was driving on and that it was a sunny day. I’m so very thankful to that nameless Pastor and thankful I have a God who cares enough about me to put me and that Pastor together one afternoon.

I’m no longer in that place praise God and new meds. I’m pretty happy with my life right now but that dark time is not something you ever forget. And you have an all new insight and empathy for others going through the same thing. When you hear of someone who did in fact take their own life you understand the pain and despair and I personally thank God for taking me out of that place.

The Ferry

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I love to people watch. Especially on my way to Manhattan. It makes the commute all the more interesting. There is every walk of life at the ferry terminal. Everyone has a story. Everyone is going someplace. On the ferry during the week women are applying makeup and/or doing their hair, either in the ladies room or right there at their seat. Today (Saturday) on the Manhattan bound ferry there’s standing room only at the ladies room mirror.

New Yorkers are stereotyped as being rude. I don’t believe so and haven’t been witness to such rudeness. Quite honestly I find the tourists to be a bit on the rude side especially when boarding the ferry on the Manhattan side. In my experience even the homeless are polite when asking for money. If you haven’t noticed already, I love New York. I love living here.