I’m in a good mood. Life is so good and I’m happy to be a part of it. I went to the tattoo shop to have my nose ring changed and I chose a star stud. It’s bigger than the very small stud that was there before and I love it. I really wanted to go with an actual ring but my husband talked me out of it a couple of weeks ago. And that’s fine. So while I’m there I showed the tattoo artist the new tattoo I want, his son is designing it as we speak! I can’t wait for him to finish so I can get it. I would have gotten it last night at my husband’s urging but the artist wasn’t ready; damn, lol!
I was in Manhattan today for work and it’s so nice to be in the city. To be a part of life and the hustle and bustle. I do love New York City. One of the deck hands on the ferry complimented my hair, talk about making a girl feel good!
I’m still hoping my supervisor would offer another day to work; if not I guess it’s not meant to be.. I’ve decided that I’m exactly where God wants me to be. I’ve taken a break from looking for another job. If God wants me somewhere else He’ll open that door or window at his own time, not mine. I do pray for a “window” to open, I mean it can’t hurt right?
I’m so thankful I have such a God in my life. That He would give his only son to die for my and your sins. It’s humbling. And I’m grateful. I’m happy to be here to say He is enough. His grace is enough. What else can I say about our God, He is wonderful and I feel so blessed in this life.
I have this song running through my head this morning, Blessings by Laura Story. Yesterday my husband and I were talking to a neighbor who also has a special needs daughter. Many of you know about our Thomas who is also special needs. We’ve been through many, many trials with Thomas. And everytime I hear this song I think of him. What if our greatest trial is God’s blessing in disguise?
Anyway, when we were speaking with our neighbor she mentioned that she often wonders what her daughter would have been like had things been different. My husband replied that he often thinks the same thing about Thomas. I do think that also about Thomas. The big “what if?” What if he’d been born “normal”?. What if? It almost makes you loathe the word, “if”. That word can hold so much. Thomas is one of the greatest achings of my life. It still pains me that he cannot live at home. I know my husband feels the same. I love Thomas for who he is now, not what he could have been. Thomas being the way he is changed me as a mother. And if I were to be able to change him to a “normal” person, would I then have to change myself to how I was before he was in my life?
I honestly don’t dwell on the what ifs because it is pointless. I tend to focus on the present and future which can hold enough worry all by themselves. But this song speaks so perfectly to my heart. Especially when she sings, “This is not our home…” No, this is not our home. I often wonder if when I do meet our Lord will I ask Him questions about my earthly life. Thomas being in the forefront of those queries. Why were we chosen to be his parents? Why did God make things so challenging? Why the heartache? Or will I even care at that point? What I do believe is that when Thomas meets the Lord and joins us, I believe he will tell us himself. It will be glorious to hear my son talk clearly and coherently. I was given a glimpse of this in a dream I had a couple of years ago. Thomas was just a typical teen and him, Alyssa and I were just sitting in our front sun porch talking to one another. I have no idea what we were talking about I just remember Thomas being “normal”. I know when we’re all in heaven together we’ll all talk again. God gave me a preview.
I’m up before everyone. I do this fairly often and it’s really nice. I’m up before the craziness of everyone getting ready for school. That includes me getting decent hair and face going on. I take Samantha to school but I’m not one to go in my pajamas. Except for the barking of my dogs (for whatever reason early mornings are cat chasing time. Go figure.) it’s really quiet. Like hear a pin drop quiet. So cool. This used to be the quiet I would get at night when everyone was small. They were all pretty much were in bed by 9pm the latest. These days …nope. Everyone seems to be up forever and want to talk. Meanwhile by 9:30 ish I’m all talked out and I’m ready for the quiet.
I pick up Thomas tomorrow for a weekend visit. He’s so looking forward to coming home. Every phone call these past 2 weeks has included confirmation of the date I’m coming to get him, Feb. 1st and that yes, I promise I’m coming. Oh and that I spoke to the social worker about said date. He’s funny but I don’t blame him I’m sure I’d be the same way in his shoes. I’m impressed with how Thomas speaks to me sometimes. He actually said, “Mom, you *promise* you’re coming?” Who knew that he knows the concept of a “promise”? Not me until he said it.
I’m off to the city today (another reason I’m up earlier). Earlier this week I was reflecting on how things have changed since I started seeing Nancy. When I first went to her I was terribly clinically depressed. I hadn’t started meds yet, actually I was terrified of meds and said I would NOT take them. That adamant position changed rapidly when I realized that no amount of therapy was going to help that this was more serious than I thought, plus I became more afraid of the depression than the medications. When I first started seeing Nancy, I cried through every session and after we were done I’d walk down Broadway on the upper west side for blocks and blocks, many times fighting back tears. One time and I know this was The Lord’s work, my wonderful friend Jackie called me as I was walking. I couldn’t believe her timing. I walked and talked and cried down Broadway on the cell phone with her for about who knows how many blocks. Probably 10. Until I saw a subway station for my train and decided I was tired of walking. Amazing how I thought I was all along when I wasn’t. I had the Lord with me and then He prompted Jackie to call. I love those perfect timings.
Ok, it’s getting later and I must start the chaos we call mornings. I’m extremely thankful the only one I have to “help” a little is Samantha. She really needs prompting and that’s ok. I’m off!
The holidays are officially “over” by my clock and calendar anyway. I’m glad, whew! Now upward and onward to getting back to life in general. It was pretty cool having the kids home for break, I enjoyed sleeping in :). The girls are getting older that they no longer need me to be “rightthere” all the time. Thank God. Seriously. Samantha at age 7 is fairly low maintenance and if Alyssa is home I can run an errand or two alone by leaving Alyssa to watch Samantha. I want my life back where kids are in school, choir practice is resumed and all is right with the world. Oh and I go to Manhattan to see Nancy and after we chat I get to thrift in the big city. Yes I am excited about that. I haven’t seen Nancy in about 2 weeks or so and I miss her. I’m not sure if that is “correct” but I do like her as a person as well as a therapist, although I’m not sure you could NOT like a therapist as a person and still want to have sessions with them.
So yes I’m off to Manhattan and hoping and praying the snow storm predicted won’t begin until I’m back home. I’m not a fan of driving in the snow, I don’t know many people who are. I miss going to the city. I’ve come to the realization that I am having a love affair with NYC, Manhattan in particular. Living on an outer borough it’s easy to get to Manhattan and I notice my Alyssa will take any opportunity she has to go as well. I’m glad because I want her to feel comfortable navigating subways and bus lines. I love to people watch so this is perfect for me. I know I enjoy the city so much because I’m not dragging myself there and commuting to a job everyday. However I will say (now) that I’d jump at the chance to work in Manhattan when Samantha is older and much more independent. If it’s The Lord’s way though. It won’t happen unless He wants it to and I’m not privy to His plan.
When I do visit the city I enjoy taking public transportation. For a people watcher, it’s definitely the way to go! I’ve driven many times and it’s usually a headache and an expensive one at that taking into consideration bridge/tunnel tolls not to mention parking. Ugh! Yeah, that’s all I have to say about that.
Yes I’m welcoming back our regularly scheduled program and routine. We had a lovely Christmas, Thomas came home and the visit went for the most part, well. We spent New Year’s Eve with some of the nicest, sweetest people on the planet. Some new friends and some friends we’ve known for years and years. Regardless of how long everyone knew each other, all seemed to find common ground and chat and laugh. I loved hearing people laugh.
I hope everyone has a smooth transition back to their regular schedule/program.
I changed the look of my blog, time to shake things up a bit I guess. If you know me you understand that I get bored and need a change every now and then. Until recently it was my hair color. I’ve probably tried every shade of warm to ultralight blonde to reds and auburns that is available at your local drug store (I color my own hair). The past 3 yrs or so I’ve been a reddish brown and I believe that is the color my hair is staying…for now. I contemplated going back to blonde but decided against it. IMO it’s too much work and upkeep.
Things I think I would like to do but don’t are baking and trying new recipes. I let myself think baking is too much work so I get overwhelmed and I usually get intimidated by new recipes, especially if it involves spices I’m not familiar with. But once I try something even if it doesn’t come out right I’m kind of proud for trying.
When all my kids were small I was notorious for moving furniture around. Tommy never knew what he would walk into when he came home from work. Living room furniture, bedroom furniture, no room was safe :).
I recently got a new tattoo on my foot, that was to shake things up and when I turned 40 I had my nose pierced. I have no idea what turning 50 will bring, I’ll stay in my denial for a few more years.
I would like to hear what “you” do to shake things up when life gets mundane. Please nothing above rated PG. Either reply here or on my FB page. Come on…