Worship

To a new beginning and a great year!

MenayO1 Comment

This is my last post of 2013.  I can’t say 2013 was the best year of my life but it certainly wasn’t the worst.  2012 was way rough compared to 2013.  This past year I’ve struggled with depression and made it through med adjustments, therapy sessions that were at times intense and at other times full of relief.  There isn’t a time that I think of both my doctor and my therapist that I don’t thank God above for placing them both in my life.  Without that combo I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now. 

I was reading over past blog entries specifically dealing with depression and I’m so thankful I’m not in that dark place anymore.  I’m thankful to feel more like “me”.  Good moods are not taken for granted anymore but are recognized and enjoyed to the fullest.  I’m incredibly grateful for my friends and family (both online and in person).  Words fail to describe how I feel about my choir family.  I love our fellowship and the friends I’ve made through the choir.  They are all very strong people who pray for me without me even asking.

I also don’t know where I’d be without my husband.  He’s received quite the education in dealing with a wife fighting depression.  And he’s been wonderful, I’m not just saying that he really has been.

I didn’t set out to make this a “thankful” post but it looks like it’s heading in that direction and that’s ok.  These and many more blessing have followed me this past year through the laughter and the tears.  “Silly” questions I’ve asked and wonderful friends who have an answer.  I am looking forward to 2014 beginning; I think 2013 has had enough and is tired but I hope she goes off quietly and without a huge bang to anyone.

I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions at all.  But there is one I would really, really like to keep and that is to spread the Gospel and be more bold in my faith.  We are called to make disciples and I’m am ridiculously intimidated by that command.  I know the Holy Spirit will be with me when the opportunity arises and will give me the “right” things to say.  I need to trust and submit.  Maybe those 2 actions should also be part of my “Resolution”.  Yes I think they shall be.

We are ringing in the new year with a small party, a gathering of friends and family and friends that are more like family than anything else.   I love it.  I love that people want to come to our house and celebrate with us, I love that we have such people to get together with and be comfortable, laugh, have fellowship, talk and laugh some more and usher in a New Year. 

Good bye 2013.

Happy New Year!

Today

MenayOLeave a comment

Today Thomas went back to school.  I wonder when the visits and saying goodbye will be “easy”.  They’re not full of tears and heart wrenching goodbyes but the emotions involved are hard to digest once he actually does leave.  “I need to have more patience, I wish I didn’t get annoyed when…, Why does he still target me?” I ask these questions rhetorically. This is a sampling of the questions and guilt I still carry a year and half after admitting Thomas to residential school.  I know logically he is in a more structured environment with staff who have back up thus probably have more patience and they don’t have the emotional investment I have as Thomas’ mother.  Logic and emotions don’t usually co exist with me.

I’m glad I was able to go to church this morning. I love our Lord and I’m so glad I get to worship him freely. Our Pastor read from Philippians today talking about how Paul wants us to “press on to make it my own because Christ Jesus has made me his own. (Philippians 3:12). This strikes me as so comforting to know that Jesus has made me his own. Pastor also spoke about forgiveness and, “…forgetting what lies behind”(Philippians 3:13). I have a difficult time with this concerning Thomas and all the events leading up to him requiring residential school. Have I forgiven him? Have I forgiven myself for not being enough? Again rhetorical questions that I must work through.

I love the lyrics to the song “You Loved Me Anyway” by the Sidewalk Prophets. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y8BBCYFAYRI. That song has ministered to me in ways I can’t even describe.
All the things we are to Him yet He loves us anyway. Thorn in His crown, nail in His wrist, shouting from the crowd for His blood to be spilled, etc… This song reminds me of how great His love for us is. That love is amazing.

And just like that…

MenayOLeave a comment

Its over, Christmas that is.  By my personal calendar at least, as I know some religions still celebrate or hold holy days/weeks past the 25th of December.  All the running around, the stress, the angst over choosing that perfect gift for that perfect (or not so perfect) someone.  It’s over.  Until next year, haha.  I love the whole build up to Christmas personally.  The reverence of knowing we are about to celebrate the birth of our Saviour and how wonderful our Saviour is.  I love that part.  I love knowing He came down to us to save us.  Yes I know this. That our Lord took on human form and arrived without bells, whistles, trumpets blaring; it’s amazing and humbling.  

The shopping, meh…I could take or leave it most times. Yes it’s me talking saying I can take or leave “shopping”. Its not the kind of shopping I enjoy, it’s too stressful man! And I KNOW I’m not the only one who feels this way.  Sometimes it’s fun especially when your know what you’re buying is the “one” for that special someone.

We’re having a nice time with Thomas home. He’s been rather pleasant and wants to be helpful most times. Both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day he did an awesome job of helping to clear the table. It’s funny as sometimes he is clearly does not act his chronological age of 17 yrs and other times he comes out with some doozy comments that stop you dead in your tracks and you KNOW he’s in there and so very far from “not smart”.

I’m looking forward to taking my tree down, I realize we’re only 2 days past the big event but I want my house back and I’m tired of sweeping up needles. That said, I loved having a real tree for the first time. The smell was awesome and just having a living tree was just the coolest for once. I would do it again next year (I say this now before taking it down, haha).

I’m also having thrift withdrawal. I haven’t been thrifting in a couple of week due to the Holiday and all my kids home from school. My oldest daughter is in Manhattan today thrifting with her friends and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious. She called me with an authenticity question about a pair of premium denim IMO they sound good to me and the price was right so I said to go for them! I can’t wait for her to get home and show me her finds.

So yes, just like that Christmas is over. The fact that our Lord came to earth is still truth but the stress and running around is done for another 350 or so days.

Thomas’ mother.

MenayOLeave a comment

And the boy is home!  Over the years I’ve had many emotions while being Thomas’ mother.  When Thomas was born my dad told me, “You no longer have a name, from now on you’ll be ‘Thomas’ Mom”.  I laughed then, 17 years ago but it really is true.  I know I’m also “Alyssa, Daniella and Samantha’s Mom”, but being Thomas’ Mom broke me in, inducted me into motherhood, shattered (in a good/realistic way) whatever false/perfect beliefs I had about motherhood. Introduced me to the person I would become;  a tenacious mother who would search over and over for help for her son.  I look at this young man who is bigger and taller than me.  This young man who will bend down when he hugs me so that his head will rest on my shoulder.   He’s so handsome and so big.  I wish I knew when all this growing up happened.

He is left handed, like me but has green eyes like his Dad.  I’ve never been brought to tears as much as I have for this child of mine.  Tears of joy and happiness as well as tears from pain and fear.  I’m able to sit and write this because Thomas is engaged in coloring Christmas pages.  Gingerbread houses to be exact.  This is when I’m able to sit and stare at him and swell with pride that he is mine.  Thomas is my only child that I’ve had to express to other people that he is indeed MINE.  The girls have always been with me, lived with me there was never any moments of insecurities.  Thomas is once again in residential school.  This time around I haven’t felt the need to remind the staff that he has a mother…that he is mine.  The first time in residential there were many times I wanted to shout from the rooftops, “He has a mother, he is still MINE”.  Will I still do this say in 10 years when Thomas will be 27 years old?  I want to say, “no” but I’m sure I will.    Will I do that to the girls in 10 years?  Most likely no. 

I’m so glad he’s here, home for Christmas.

Power

MenayOLeave a comment

This past Sunday the youth groups in our church put on an amazing service filled with music, dancing and preaching. The preaching was done by young man in his early twenties. It was amazing, simply amazing.

The main theme is that there is power in the name of Jesus. Powerful stuff man. There is power in His name. For a long time I felt like God and/or Jesus weren’t listening to me pray for help with my depression. Maybe I wasn’t getting better because I wasn’t praying hard enough? It wasn’t until I realized He had placed my therapist and doctor exactly in my life at the exact moments I needed them. I’m not saying God couldn’t have performed a miracle and simply healed me, He could have but it was his plan for me to receive help and guidance from the people he chose. And for that I’m amazed and incredibly thankful.

When I started attending church and bible study regularly about 3 ish years ago, my life was “ok”. Thomas was stable, life was stable and no pressing issues had come up. We even had a woman coming to the house for “residential habilitation” for Thomas. Life was good.

Fast forward a year or so and the crap hits the fan. Thomas is going through med changes and hospitalizations, I quit smoking somehow through that, and all the recreation programs I had Thomas involved in he refused to attend.

God placed me in church and I accepted Christ as my as my Saviour when things were “good”. I didn’t start attending church because my life was difficult or falling apart. But, He knew what was coming up on the horizon and how much we would need the church. He is glorious.

I struggle with completely handing my life over to Jesus and following Him as I’m sure many Christians do. I want to know why the struggle? When our Lord has done so many incredible things that show His faithfulness. He is faithful and worthy to be worshipped. I want to follow without question and that requires complete trust. I just need to keep remembering how faithful He is. He will never leave us and there is power in the name of Jesus. Praise God.

Thanksgiving

MenayOLeave a comment

We had a really nice, drama free Thanksgiving. Thomas was home, Tommy picked him up Tuesday night as the weather people were predicting a bad storm for us that we never had. It was fine though. We had a really nice visit. Thomas’ behavior was fine and even had some laughs. My boy has a beautiful smile.

Saying goodbye after a nice weekend was the worst. Tommy decided Sunday morning would be best traffic wise. When it was time to go Thomas became very upset and the next thing I know we’re both crying. Tommy says he wonders what is worse, bringing him back when the visit is not so good or bringing him back after a nice easy visit. Personally I think it’s easier when his behavior sucks, this way we have no guilt. But the other day man…I was reminded of the decision we made, how difficult that decision was and still is. The reminder that we can’t give him what he needs. That part hurts, really hurts.

I was thinking of Thanksgiving last year. My anxiety was rediculously high and I was apprehensive about Thomas being home. Thanksgiving was nice and uneventful. Except after everyone left I had to clean like there was no stopping me. Tommy and the kids were trying to watch a movie and I needed to vacuum. Yes I needed to vacuum. This didn’t go over to well with everyone else but I managed to get it done quickly.

We went to the mall the night of Black Friday. It wasn’t that crowded but out of nowhere I had an anxiety attack and needed to get out of there. I was a ton of fun last year I tell you.

It’s amazing what a year can do or bring. Even though saying goodbye to Thomas was so very hard I was able to do it and not fall apart. We cried together and he told me he was sad. That he recognized and named his emotion is a big deal. My husband texted me that Thomas transitioned well when they arrived back at school. For years I’ve said that God has blessed my son with this tremendous gift of resilience. He is able to live away from us and become acclimated to a new environment and people he doesn’t even know. My son is very brave in my opinion.

It’s funny though because when he’s home, things are very different. Thomas needs to be kept “busy” and that isn’t always easy. I have to get back into the routine of his meds and their times. At meal times we have to remind Thomas to pull his chair in, eat over your plate, slow down… And I forget how much a teen age boy can eat. I’m not complaining.

I know we made the right decision for our family to choose residential school. I just miss the Thomas who was stabile and not aggressive, the one who lived at home.

The Live Tree

MenayOLeave a comment

image

We searched for, picked out, purchased lights for, brought home and put up our first live tree yesterday.  I’m more than happy to spend my "black Friday" that way.  Aside from making sure the tree was secure in the stand our day was pretty uneventful and I’m not complaining.

Reading that "we searched for" our tree makes me smile because we went to the parking lot of two major stores and a man had rented the far end of the lot to sell Christmas trees. We live in a fairly urban area and we would have to drive at least 45 minutes away to actually "search" for the perfect tree. I'm perfectly content with how we selected our tree even though in my opinion it's unlike a Christmas story book.

Thomas was thrilled picking out our tree. And I think it’s funny how God makes you slow down and notice the little things or you will miss them. As we walked towards our car with the tree I heard Thomas say, “Have a nice weekend” to the tree salesman. This is a pretty large step for Thomas in interacting and being social. I’m glad I didn’t miss it.

So our first live tree is up and lit. I have to say its gorgeous and much prettier than our pre-lit artificial tree. I don’t remember the type of tree it is but I don’t think it matters. Oh and it smells nice 🙂

Coming Home and The Tree.

MenayOLeave a comment

Thomas will be coming home for Thanksgiving.  I’m looking forward to him being here.  Our last visit was cut short by his behavior so hopefully we won’t have a repeat of that.  For forever now we put our Christmas Tree up the day after Thanksgiving.  It’s now become Thomas’ “thing” to do with me.   The girls help out don’t get me wrong, but it’s definitely my son who call this shots about the tree and the skirt and the ornaments and the star on top and the stockings…  The older girls get into hanging up “their” ornaments like the ones I have from when they were babies or made at school.   I love those.  Oh and the girls like setting up the Nativity.     

I’d like to get a live tree this year. I’ve always been against it, paranoid of the tree drying out and being set on fire by the lights. Yes that’s how my mind works. Tommy and I discussed it and we will go tree shopping the day after Thanksgiving with Thomas. How could we go without him?

I’m getting ahead of myself though, I’m talking about Christmas trees and the day after Thanksgiving but not Thanksgiving. We are hosting at our house. It will be really nice as my Mom and I split the cooking and it works out great as nobody gets overwhelmed. Hmmmm I guess I don’t have much to say about Thanksgiving except I am thankful for my family, my church family, my friends, that I am free to worship and that I get to worship the one true God.

Maybe that’s why I’m so eager to skip over to Christmas. The songs about Jesus birth. I love them. Especially the ones that command, “Come and worship!” Of course I like the regular winter themed songs and Rudolph but the reason is Christ’s birth and we should sing about His birth and worship him.

I’m looking forward to this week. My son being home, Thanksgiving and then…The tree. The tree that Thomas can’t wait for every year.

Moving forward

MenayOLeave a comment

“Moving Forward”. 2 words and not a difficult statement to follow given you have the means to do so.  At this time in my life it is time for me to move forward.  I’m quite serious about my business (www.nayaudo.com), I want to see this succeed.  I feel this is what I’m supposed to be doing; shopping.  Feel free to laugh it’s ok.  Yes I dream of getting paid to shop for other people or find them some treasure they haven’t been able to locate on their own.  That treasure can be almost anything, but I specialize in clothing, shoes and the thrift.

Moving forward. Why isn’t it as easy as it sounds? I believe I’m not going anywhere until The Lord decides it’s the best time according to his plan. If my business took off last year I would have buckled, I was not ready and was still healing. But just because I think I’m in a better place doesn’t mean God agrees. Giving it all over to Him is one of the most difficult things I’ve done. To The Lord I handed over Thomas’ residential school and now I hand over my future of trying to be a success outside the home. I know He is “in charge” and He really does know better than we do. I trust The Lord, he is faithful.

I’m looking forward to moving forward. To not visit the depressed and traumatic times anymore. They’re still there, just not ruling me like they did. I’m also looking forward to growing as a person and sharing that growth with my family. Frustration and having more patience are two things I really need to work on. I want things to happen NOW like most of us do. If I’m to trust The Lord, I must develop more patience and accept his timing and not get frustrated.

I’ve done quite a bit of reflecting of when I was going through the depression and when you’re in that state you don’t realize how far down you are. I was thinking about this, this morning. I don’t ever want to be that far down again. When I was remembering that place I was reminded of the physical sensation of being that far down. It was as if I were in a ditch looking up at everyone and I couldn’t get myself out. I don’t ever want to be there again.

So here’s to moving forward!

Being nudged

MenayOLeave a comment

I mentioned me thinking of sitting with Christ in my last blog post.  I told my friend John who is the grandfather of my youngest daughter’s best friend.  He listened intently and suggested that maybe I have too much on my mind or something in particular was bothering me and Christ came to comfort me.  I thought that was very nice, but I’m not sure I believe that.  I’m not sure of the “why’s” only God knows.

 On this past Friday there were 4 of us mothers and grandfather chatting after school while the kids played in the school yard. This is common practice for us while the weather is nice. John and I passed each other in picking up our respective children. He said as we passed each other he said, “You know what you told me the other day? I need to talk more about that with you, we need to talk”. I said ok and then we were together with the other Moms.

The conversation was light hearted, out of nowhere and without warning John says to me with a smile, “Aren’t you going to tell them what you told me. Tell them what happened”. I almost froze. I was not prepared for this at all. Then I just started talking and telling about meeting The Lord and that I wasn’t daydreaming that I felt like he met with my soul. I also told them about the joy I felt afterward.

After I was done I felt uneasy. Were they going to think I was crazy? Will they persecute me? Am I ashamed? Am I embarrassed? Then I felt guilt for being concerned with those scenarios. After all that Christ went through to save me I shouldn’t concern myself with what people think. All 4 of us ended up having a very interesting conversation about how we were raised, and our various religious backgrounds, and how it shaped us. John couldn’t stress enough the most important thing is one’s relationship with The Lord. That no one knows what is in another’s heart but God.

Afterwards walking with John I told him the Holy Spirit was surely working with him to get me to speak up. That I was concerned with being bold and him encouraging me to tell my story was God’s way of making me be bold. If John didn’t say anything I never would have said anything. I’m glad he did though. I feel like I’m one step closer to the boldness I wish I had.