Worship

The Mall

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I was in the mall with our youngest, Samantha and I noticed a young man holding the arm of another young man. I looked again and noticed it was an outing of special needs young adults. Sometimes seeing this makes me sad. Not because the people are special needs, but because my special needs young adult goes on these outings without me.

Before everything fell apart when we changed medications (due to low white blood cell counts caused by one med), I had a picture and plan of what our lives would be like. It all seemed to be fitting into place. Thomas was in a great school, we both adored the staff, he was a part of great recreation programs and Thomas was on the waiting list for group homes once a space became available after he turned 18.

Don’t get me wrong I’m incredibly grateful for the school Thomas attends now and I know we couldn’t continue to live the way we did any longer. I know all this logically. However logic and emotion usually don’t reside together, not in my mind anyway. It’s not all the time that I get sad, just here and there. I guess I feel sorry for myself and that sounds terrible, to me anyway. I don’t like pity parties. When I see these young adults I remember “the plan” and how it’s no longer viable. Then I remember that I was never in charge anyway. God is and He has his own plan. One I am not necessarily privy to. I have to trust in Him.

As much as I mourn the change of my plan, I do enjoy the quiet environment of my home these days. It’s not always “quiet”, there are 3 girls living here, one a teen and one a pre-teen. But it’s not chaotic either. And I’m not emotionally exhausted trying to keep everyone peaceful and myself safe. It’s kind of a sucky trade off to see my son turn into someone I would fear, but God will use this for his glory. I know he will.

There are some things I miss so much about when Thomas was stable on that particular medication. I will never forget one time, about 3 years ago, right before we had to stop the one medication. Thomas and I were in Manhattan to see his psychiatrist. Saks Fifth Avenue was a few blocks from the doctor’s office and my husband had just informed me I could purchase my dream handbag. There was a boutique in Saks. Thomas and I get there and he helped me pick out some bags to try on. The whole time asking me, “You gonna buy it Mom?”. Meanwhile I was overwhelmed and hyperventilating as I never in a million years saw myself buying this designer handbag. I went outside to call my husband and ask him if I could but it there at Saks without him present. It took a while to get him on the cell phone so Thomas and I walked to a find a pretzel vendor. Just as we found a pretzel guy, Tommy called back and said to get the bag, to open a Saks account as I didn’t have our major credit card with me. I told Thomas I was getting the bag and he practically ran back to Saks! I had to keep up with him, lol! Thomas was walking so fast saying “Excuse me, my Mom’s getting that bag!”. We arrive back at Saks and the salesman was so great to Thomas. He didn’t patronize him. Thomas pointed to the bag and confidently said, “That one, my mom’s buying it!”. Unfortunately I was unable to open a Saks account as I didn’t have my major credit card with me. Arrgghhhh!!!! I tried to explain that if I had the credit card I wouldn’t need to open the Saks account. They wouldn’t budge so I had to explain to Thomas that I didn’t have the right card but I will get the bag another time. I’m not sure who was more disappointed him or me.

About 2 weeks later I made my way to The Mall at Short Hills in NJ. Tommy couldn’t come as Samantha was sick. You know Thomas came with me, I had to have him come along to purchase “The Bag”. The whole experience wouldn’t have been the same without him

Change of Seasons

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I really love this time of year.  The color of the leaves, the weather turning cooler.  I like seasons.  Right now I couldn’t picture myself living in an area that doesn’t have a change of seasons, I mean a realchange of temperature. I don’t think I could live in an area that is warm most of the year, or cold either.

It seems it’s taking forever for fall to come and stay here. Honestly I’m tired of dressing for warm weather I’m ready for sweaters and boots! I love walking around Manhattan wearing a skirt, boots and long sweater. All thrifted of course except the boots. Oh wait last year I did thrift a pair of Miu Miu boots. I didn’t even know who made them but the leather was so butter soft *and* my size there was no way I was leaving them there. I paid the $10.00, arrived home and checked inside with a flashlight. Bingo! Miu Miu! I’m very picky about thrifting shoes they must be in new or near new condition. I have a very fortunate friend with a smaller foot than me that I scored Manolos for. They were gorgeous!

I wonder what I get more passionate writing about, God or the thrift? I guess it depends on the days events. I think about God constantly and spend most mornings in worship. The Lord is comfort and a pleasure to praise. There are many times I can’t get the words out properly to pray so instead I’ll simply praise Him. He knows my heart.

When I have a great thrifting day I know it’s from The Lord. Who else would put those items where I can see them at the price I don’t mind paying? No one else but Him.

If you told me a year or so ago that I would be blogging like this I never would have believed it. But to combine blogging about the thrift and praising The Lord…nope I wouldn’t have thought it was possible. But it is.

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13

 

Christmas music

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I’ve been listening to a CD of Christmas music our choir will be singing during our live Nativity in December.  The CD has the alto part I’m supposed to learn as well as the songs themselves.  I don’t sing without a choir, lol!  It’s wonderful that our director takes the time to record our parts so we can rehearse on our own.  

Listening to songs celebrating our Saviour’s birth is amazing.  I love just about any Christian (contemporary) music, but there is something about true Christmas music celebrating The Lord’s arrival to this earth that is awe inspiring.

I really enjoy singing with our choir. I’ve made close friends that I wonder if I would have met if not for the choir. I believe God places people in your life and He orchestrates how they enter your life. So to answer my own question my guess would be yes I would have met them anyway because God wants them in my life.

Back to the Christmas music, I’m not rushing Christmas to get here, I’m very content to take my daughter trick or treating and celebrate Thanksgiving. It’s limited rehearsal time that has me singing Christmas music, and the songs we are singing are so inspiring yet calming. “He’s here, He’s here! Now come worship Him” is the short message of all the songs put together. One of the songs is titled “Birthday of a King”. How perfect is that? Christ is our King and that we have the freedom to openly celebrate his birth is so wonderful. I can honestly say it wasn’t until I accepted Christ as my Saviour did I really “get” Christmas. That if I never received another a Christmas gift it would really be ok as it’s not about the gifts anyway. It’s about the gift of God’s son. He sent Him here to save us. What other gift could be greater than that? None.

The thrift and the big city

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Last week I had a couple of appointments back to back so I wasn’t on my regularly scheduled thrift escapade.  I’m in Manhattan twice a week now.  I’ve been trying to shake up my routine a bit.  I did mention I found a new to me Goodwill store uptown.  Honestly I prefer the Salvation army.  Believe it or not I find Goodwill pricey as far as thrift stores go.  Salvation Army …good gravy you can find some treasures there!  Well I do anyway 😉

And just to shamelessly plug my business (www.nayaudo.com),  if there’s anything/clothing or shoe wise anyone wants me to keep an eye out for, you can contact me through my website.

I absolutely love going to Manhattan. I love the anonymity, I love to people watch, I just love New York! It’s funny how different areas of the city have their own vibes. These are just my opinions and observations but the upper west side is a bit different with people walking around in work out wear like they have nothing else to do that day and there’s a ton of nannies pushing strollers, oh my gosh! I really like it up there as it’s not nearly as crazy and busy as say Times Square for comparison. It’s almost like “Manhattan Lite” There’s an awesome Salvation Army up there that I’m a “regular” at.

In Chelsea it’s a younger vibe on the street. I feel out of place honestly. I walk with my head up and all but I don’t think I could work in that area or be there on a regular basis. It’s much busier than the upper west side with a lot of cool shops and supermarkets. There’s a really nice Goodwill where I frequent :).

Downtown, so busy with the hustle and bustle of all the businesses and Wall Street and all the men in suits and the women dressed so nice. And mixed in are the tourists, some trying to figure out how to get to the ferry that takes them to the Statue of Liberty. I’m clueless on how to get there, I think we went there on a class trip when I was like 10 yrs old or something. Anyway I’ve met a lot of incredibly nice and interesting tourists. Downtown during the day is a nice place to people watch. Plus shopping, there’s Century 21 and DSW. I haven’t found any thrift stores yet downtown. To be honest I haven’t looked all that hard. There has to be at least one!

I pray on the ferry. I also pray on the subway. When I’m alone on those two modes of transportation I enjoy the solace and escape. Sometimes I open my eyes and I’m surprised at where I am. It doesn’t matter how deep in prayer I think I am. God knows. He knows our hearts.

The Girls

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I’m sitting this morning  hanging out with my older girls.  Daniella asked me why I see Nancy.  I always assumed she knew why.  I explained that I’m being treated for depression.  She was okay with this.  I figured she would be.  Alyssa said she already knew.  That’s cool.  My house has now returned to its relatively quiet state now that Thomas has gone back to school.  

I love when my girls are getting along and we sit here and talk and laugh.  Right now they’re talking about the Christian youth conference they attended last weekend.  They LOVED it.  I’m so happy for them.  To see them walking with The Lord and getting pumped up to go to bible study and youth group and hear them sing Christian songs is more than I ever hoped for when we started attending church regularly a few years ago. I remember some Sundays it was like pulling teeth to get Alyssa there. To see her now so passionate makes me so grateful to Him.

They seem unphased that Thomas went back early. Daniella asked what happened and I gave her the cliff’s notes version. She told me I didn’t have to tell her if I didn’t want to. I didn’t mind. Then she asked me about Nancy.

Right now Daniella is singing and dancing to a Christian rap song she heard at this conference. I’m usually not a fan of rap but for this I’ll make an exception ;).

A short visit

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I’m sitting here right where I’m supposed to be wondering what the heck just happened.  Our son came home for a weekend visit.  We had a great time a couple of weeks ago at his school picnic.  He was wonderful with me.  But this weekend, no.   It started this afternoon after church with a bit of defiant behavior nothing huge or big until you look back.  this afternoon Thomas absolutely did not want me along for the trip to Home Depot with Tommy.  I was going that was it, that’s the way it is.  Tommy managed to coax Thomas to getting in the car.  Thomas stated loud and clear that he wasn’t speaking to me. Fine.

Home Depot went well we decided on and bought a new upstairs hallway light fixture. While Tommy was installing said light fixture my son felt the need to verbally insult me to the point where Tommy asked him to go downstairs. No problem. We have dinner and all seems calmer. That’s cool. Around 7pm while Samantha and I were cruising the American Girl website discussing the finer points of American Girl Dolls and which one would make the better Christmas gift, Thomas walks over and starts verbally berating me. After about 20 minutes Tommy got him to sit with him on the couch and watch tv. Thomas still isn’t done and announces that we shouldn’t call him at school and he isn’t calling us. Fine. Then Thomas decides he wants to go back to school NOW. Tommy tells me to pack his stuff. I did as I’m told and they are on their way to Yonkers.

I don’t know why I’m writing this out. My head still doesn’t understand why this child feels he can say things that are not very nice to me. Why I am his target. I’ve heard all the professional explanations and logically I know it’s not my “fault”. I know if he were a typical child he would say things that aren’t “nice”. I get that as I have a typical 15 yr old. However she doesn’t look for me to aim insults at or call me names that aren’t true.

We are not used to this behavior. We don’t live this way anymore. Praise God I have a level headed husband. The moment Thomas said he wanted to go back Tommy was on his feet. Tommy is my greatest defender. Every day I thank God for putting him in my life.

Where you are supposed to be

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After choir practice this past Thursday night a fellow choir member/friend and I started chatting. She was telling me about when she was going through a difficult time and how our Pastor said during service that even though some people may appear to not be worshipping during church, those people are right where they’re supposed to be, sitting in church.

I know I’ve said this before, I have really wonderful friends. My friend didn’t know I had already written in my blog that maybe this wasn’t the time for my business to take off as it isn’t the time God wants it to happen. I am just where I am supposed to be. I love this. If someone had said that to me a year or so ago I might not have liked it but it still would have rang true.

As of this moment I’m glad to be where I am, where God wants me. I’ve spent the better part of the last year and a half cursing my station in life and putting myself down as a stay at home mom. I was convinced because I wasn’t filling a role within a company and earning a paycheck that I was worthless. But…right here is exactly where God wants and has wanted me to be.

I believe it’s all about trust in The Lord. We have to trust His judgement and follow with faith. I don’t believe we know better than God, that what we want is what we should always get. I expected and wanted a “typical” son. That didn’t happen instead I was given a gift of a boy who challenged me and in that process those many challenges tore me down so I could be rebuilt spiritually.

I began attending church again when things were going well in my life. Thomas was stable on his meds, my family was in a relatively calm state. I was able to join a bible study group. Life was really nice and I accepted Christ as my Saviour. I realized I had a church family when things started unraveling, the med changes and hospitalizations, etc… God placed me in church at the right moment. When life was good I was exactly where I was supposed to be so when things became rough we would have the support and people to support us during that time. Our God is amazing.