God

God’s light and wounds.

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I’ve been feeling down the past few days.  It’s not major but not minor either. But on the upside, Daniella and I had an interesting conversation last night.  She asked me what do Nancy and I talk about, but…I don’t have to tell her if I don’t want to.  I thought that was very sweet and insightful for a 12 year old.  I explained that we talk about almost everything and yes sometimes we talk about her and her siblings, but not always.  That Nancy listens and may explain why I might feel a certain way or pick up on things that I don’t feel are important.  I have a caring daughter.  I’m glad she feels comfortable enough to ask me such questions and in a mature manner.  

I’ve been praying in hope that a The Lord will relieve this down-ness. One of my wonderful choir friends said something to me last Thursday that is sticking with me still.  She said that God uses your weaknesses and wounds through which His Light spills out of you.  You are then able to bless others when you expose the humble, hurting parts of yourself.  I found this really profound.  This blog is/has been an outlet and source of healing for me. I’ve received such feedback to keep writing, something I never expected, I had no idea anyone would even read what I write.

I can only hope God’s Light spills out of the parts of me that are wounded and that that light is shining and touching someone else.

I really heart my choir family. My friend received her words from a book “Dear Jesus” by Sarah Young.

The Mall

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I was in the mall with our youngest, Samantha and I noticed a young man holding the arm of another young man. I looked again and noticed it was an outing of special needs young adults. Sometimes seeing this makes me sad. Not because the people are special needs, but because my special needs young adult goes on these outings without me.

Before everything fell apart when we changed medications (due to low white blood cell counts caused by one med), I had a picture and plan of what our lives would be like. It all seemed to be fitting into place. Thomas was in a great school, we both adored the staff, he was a part of great recreation programs and Thomas was on the waiting list for group homes once a space became available after he turned 18.

Don’t get me wrong I’m incredibly grateful for the school Thomas attends now and I know we couldn’t continue to live the way we did any longer. I know all this logically. However logic and emotion usually don’t reside together, not in my mind anyway. It’s not all the time that I get sad, just here and there. I guess I feel sorry for myself and that sounds terrible, to me anyway. I don’t like pity parties. When I see these young adults I remember “the plan” and how it’s no longer viable. Then I remember that I was never in charge anyway. God is and He has his own plan. One I am not necessarily privy to. I have to trust in Him.

As much as I mourn the change of my plan, I do enjoy the quiet environment of my home these days. It’s not always “quiet”, there are 3 girls living here, one a teen and one a pre-teen. But it’s not chaotic either. And I’m not emotionally exhausted trying to keep everyone peaceful and myself safe. It’s kind of a sucky trade off to see my son turn into someone I would fear, but God will use this for his glory. I know he will.

There are some things I miss so much about when Thomas was stable on that particular medication. I will never forget one time, about 3 years ago, right before we had to stop the one medication. Thomas and I were in Manhattan to see his psychiatrist. Saks Fifth Avenue was a few blocks from the doctor’s office and my husband had just informed me I could purchase my dream handbag. There was a boutique in Saks. Thomas and I get there and he helped me pick out some bags to try on. The whole time asking me, “You gonna buy it Mom?”. Meanwhile I was overwhelmed and hyperventilating as I never in a million years saw myself buying this designer handbag. I went outside to call my husband and ask him if I could but it there at Saks without him present. It took a while to get him on the cell phone so Thomas and I walked to a find a pretzel vendor. Just as we found a pretzel guy, Tommy called back and said to get the bag, to open a Saks account as I didn’t have our major credit card with me. I told Thomas I was getting the bag and he practically ran back to Saks! I had to keep up with him, lol! Thomas was walking so fast saying “Excuse me, my Mom’s getting that bag!”. We arrive back at Saks and the salesman was so great to Thomas. He didn’t patronize him. Thomas pointed to the bag and confidently said, “That one, my mom’s buying it!”. Unfortunately I was unable to open a Saks account as I didn’t have my major credit card with me. Arrgghhhh!!!! I tried to explain that if I had the credit card I wouldn’t need to open the Saks account. They wouldn’t budge so I had to explain to Thomas that I didn’t have the right card but I will get the bag another time. I’m not sure who was more disappointed him or me.

About 2 weeks later I made my way to The Mall at Short Hills in NJ. Tommy couldn’t come as Samantha was sick. You know Thomas came with me, I had to have him come along to purchase “The Bag”. The whole experience wouldn’t have been the same without him

Today

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It’s early in the morning and I’m wondering what to write about .  A common theme among people who blog I guess. I’m off to Manhattan today. First to see my therapist and then I’ll hit my regular thrift haunts. Most of the staff knows me and will always say hello. I enjoy that, if they don’t say hi to me I’ll go out of my way to say hello to them. Why not? It really is nice to be nice.

When I started this blog I fully intended it to be about my life and thrifting. Then I realized I couldn’t talk about my life unless I talked about Thomas and the huge part he played in shaping who I am today. Depression included. I don’t blame him for the depression, I don’t blame him for anything at all. However now I find I don’t define myself by as “Thomas’ mother”. I’m not overtaken and defined by the depression either anymore thanks be to God for placing Dr. L and Nancy in my life. When I was in the thick of the depression it absolutely overtook who I thought I was, I couldn’t even remember “me” if that makes sense.

I had a choice this past weekend when Thomas reverted back to behaviors that led us to decide on residential school. At one point I distinctly remember thinking, “You can stand here and have flashbacks and let it take over, or you can leave the room and be ok”. I left the room. That’s not to say I didn’t think of Thomas past actions towards me, I did. I didn’t let them overtake me and gain control if that makes sense.

Christmas music

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I’ve been listening to a CD of Christmas music our choir will be singing during our live Nativity in December.  The CD has the alto part I’m supposed to learn as well as the songs themselves.  I don’t sing without a choir, lol!  It’s wonderful that our director takes the time to record our parts so we can rehearse on our own.  

Listening to songs celebrating our Saviour’s birth is amazing.  I love just about any Christian (contemporary) music, but there is something about true Christmas music celebrating The Lord’s arrival to this earth that is awe inspiring.

I really enjoy singing with our choir. I’ve made close friends that I wonder if I would have met if not for the choir. I believe God places people in your life and He orchestrates how they enter your life. So to answer my own question my guess would be yes I would have met them anyway because God wants them in my life.

Back to the Christmas music, I’m not rushing Christmas to get here, I’m very content to take my daughter trick or treating and celebrate Thanksgiving. It’s limited rehearsal time that has me singing Christmas music, and the songs we are singing are so inspiring yet calming. “He’s here, He’s here! Now come worship Him” is the short message of all the songs put together. One of the songs is titled “Birthday of a King”. How perfect is that? Christ is our King and that we have the freedom to openly celebrate his birth is so wonderful. I can honestly say it wasn’t until I accepted Christ as my Saviour did I really “get” Christmas. That if I never received another a Christmas gift it would really be ok as it’s not about the gifts anyway. It’s about the gift of God’s son. He sent Him here to save us. What other gift could be greater than that? None.

The thrift and the big city

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Last week I had a couple of appointments back to back so I wasn’t on my regularly scheduled thrift escapade.  I’m in Manhattan twice a week now.  I’ve been trying to shake up my routine a bit.  I did mention I found a new to me Goodwill store uptown.  Honestly I prefer the Salvation army.  Believe it or not I find Goodwill pricey as far as thrift stores go.  Salvation Army …good gravy you can find some treasures there!  Well I do anyway 😉

And just to shamelessly plug my business (www.nayaudo.com),  if there’s anything/clothing or shoe wise anyone wants me to keep an eye out for, you can contact me through my website.

I absolutely love going to Manhattan. I love the anonymity, I love to people watch, I just love New York! It’s funny how different areas of the city have their own vibes. These are just my opinions and observations but the upper west side is a bit different with people walking around in work out wear like they have nothing else to do that day and there’s a ton of nannies pushing strollers, oh my gosh! I really like it up there as it’s not nearly as crazy and busy as say Times Square for comparison. It’s almost like “Manhattan Lite” There’s an awesome Salvation Army up there that I’m a “regular” at.

In Chelsea it’s a younger vibe on the street. I feel out of place honestly. I walk with my head up and all but I don’t think I could work in that area or be there on a regular basis. It’s much busier than the upper west side with a lot of cool shops and supermarkets. There’s a really nice Goodwill where I frequent :).

Downtown, so busy with the hustle and bustle of all the businesses and Wall Street and all the men in suits and the women dressed so nice. And mixed in are the tourists, some trying to figure out how to get to the ferry that takes them to the Statue of Liberty. I’m clueless on how to get there, I think we went there on a class trip when I was like 10 yrs old or something. Anyway I’ve met a lot of incredibly nice and interesting tourists. Downtown during the day is a nice place to people watch. Plus shopping, there’s Century 21 and DSW. I haven’t found any thrift stores yet downtown. To be honest I haven’t looked all that hard. There has to be at least one!

I pray on the ferry. I also pray on the subway. When I’m alone on those two modes of transportation I enjoy the solace and escape. Sometimes I open my eyes and I’m surprised at where I am. It doesn’t matter how deep in prayer I think I am. God knows. He knows our hearts.

The Girls

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I’m sitting this morning  hanging out with my older girls.  Daniella asked me why I see Nancy.  I always assumed she knew why.  I explained that I’m being treated for depression.  She was okay with this.  I figured she would be.  Alyssa said she already knew.  That’s cool.  My house has now returned to its relatively quiet state now that Thomas has gone back to school.  

I love when my girls are getting along and we sit here and talk and laugh.  Right now they’re talking about the Christian youth conference they attended last weekend.  They LOVED it.  I’m so happy for them.  To see them walking with The Lord and getting pumped up to go to bible study and youth group and hear them sing Christian songs is more than I ever hoped for when we started attending church regularly a few years ago. I remember some Sundays it was like pulling teeth to get Alyssa there. To see her now so passionate makes me so grateful to Him.

They seem unphased that Thomas went back early. Daniella asked what happened and I gave her the cliff’s notes version. She told me I didn’t have to tell her if I didn’t want to. I didn’t mind. Then she asked me about Nancy.

Right now Daniella is singing and dancing to a Christian rap song she heard at this conference. I’m usually not a fan of rap but for this I’ll make an exception ;).

Where you are supposed to be

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After choir practice this past Thursday night a fellow choir member/friend and I started chatting. She was telling me about when she was going through a difficult time and how our Pastor said during service that even though some people may appear to not be worshipping during church, those people are right where they’re supposed to be, sitting in church.

I know I’ve said this before, I have really wonderful friends. My friend didn’t know I had already written in my blog that maybe this wasn’t the time for my business to take off as it isn’t the time God wants it to happen. I am just where I am supposed to be. I love this. If someone had said that to me a year or so ago I might not have liked it but it still would have rang true.

As of this moment I’m glad to be where I am, where God wants me. I’ve spent the better part of the last year and a half cursing my station in life and putting myself down as a stay at home mom. I was convinced because I wasn’t filling a role within a company and earning a paycheck that I was worthless. But…right here is exactly where God wants and has wanted me to be.

I believe it’s all about trust in The Lord. We have to trust His judgement and follow with faith. I don’t believe we know better than God, that what we want is what we should always get. I expected and wanted a “typical” son. That didn’t happen instead I was given a gift of a boy who challenged me and in that process those many challenges tore me down so I could be rebuilt spiritually.

I began attending church again when things were going well in my life. Thomas was stable on his meds, my family was in a relatively calm state. I was able to join a bible study group. Life was really nice and I accepted Christ as my Saviour. I realized I had a church family when things started unraveling, the med changes and hospitalizations, etc… God placed me in church at the right moment. When life was good I was exactly where I was supposed to be so when things became rough we would have the support and people to support us during that time. Our God is amazing.

Optimism

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Sooooooo I’ve seen my therapist and doctor and I’m back to feeling happy :).  I’m glad to have nipped things in the bud and be able to return to my regularly scheduled programming of thrifting.  Today I scored a gorgeous pair of Antik denim and on Tuesday…Tuesday I found a pair of True Religions!!!   Eeeeeek  :). Forgive me for repeating about the True’s I’ve been on a hunt for those for a long time. I’ve already skinnied those jeans that needed skinny -ing.  Have I mentioned that I sew?   I do for those not in the know.   

My son is coming home this weekend. I’m very happy about that. I’m also very happy that our relationship has been repaired. I’m not afraid of him anymore and when Thomas calls here from school he’s happy to talk on the phone with me and tell me about his day. True to Thomas form he will readily admit if he had a “bad day” and what his actions were to make it bad. Gotta love him for the honesty. He’s been that honest since he was small.

I’m sitting here happy that I have nothing to report depression wise. But as a result I’m not sure what to write about. Why does it seem easier to write about sad subjects than happy ones? When I was writing out my story of Thomas the words flew out my fingers while typing. I’d kept them pent up for too long. Now it’s like a weight has been lifted and I can look forward with optimism. I’m even debating going blonde again, but then again maybe I won’t. I’m fickle like that, always have been.

I’m feeling more optimistic about my business (www.nayaudo.com). Maybe I’m not supposed to be at the place yet where it takes off. I need to remember that I am not in charge here, God is and He has His own plan and His own timing.

Figuring things out

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I was thinking this morning about how amazing it is that you form friendships with people and you never know where that relationship will take you or how long it will last.  One example is my friend Jackie.  Jackie and I met 11 years ago online on a forum for children/adolescents diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  Her son was already diagnosed, my son newly diagnosed.   There were many friendships that developed from that forum, many of us are in touch with each other via Facebook and the support and caring is still there.

Getting back to Jackie. I know we were meant to be friends, we were meant to find each other. Our sons were just a catalyst to enable us to meet. I live in NY, she in Wisconsin. I mean seriously? How does this happen? We are very close, there are times I’m just thinking of her and she calls and vice versa. It’s funny and I love it. She understands me and I understand her. I’m so blessed to have found a friend who lives 960 miles away yet we talk and laugh as if we lived next door. She (and all the other wonderful friends from that forum) were placed in my life purposefully by God.

Then there is John. He is the grandfather of my youngest daughter’s best friend at school. John picks up his granddaughter from school and I pick up Samantha. Last year John and I started chatting, he knows a lot of parents in the school yard and is simply a really nice person. This year John and I started chatting and realized we’re both Christians. I really enjoy the fellowship I have with him. We attend different churches but The Lord is The Lord. Since I’ve recently been having a tough time with the depression I’m a bit quiet during our chats. But you know what, that’s ok as John, unbeknownst to him is ministering to me. He is guided by the Holy Spirit and the way he speaks of the greatness of our God makes my heart soar in praise of Him.

Medication roller coaster

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When I started taking antidepressant medication I was so hopeful we would find the right one on the first try.  Wishful thinking I realize now.  Actually the first med trialed did work for a while then petered out.  Dr. L upped the dose and as I stated in an earlier post I’d gain weight the med would kick in and I would be “ok”. Until the med petered out again, rinse and repeat. We spoke about adding another med as an adjunct, I agreed and that worked for awhile until the side effect of fatigue started really getting to me. I’m not a nap person and this medication was turning me into one.

We discussed this also and Dr. L lowered the adjunct dose which really made the roller coaster take a downward slope. Not cool. My depression was slowly creeping back in and I knew it wouldn’t be long before it was bad. Dr. L took me off the first antidepressant and put me on another but…this one did not work as fast as the first one. It took about 2-3 weeks before I noticed a difference and believe me it wasn’t anything to write home about. At one point while I was waiting for the new antidepressant to kick in, I called Dr. L. It was a Thursday evening. He asked me if I was alright and I told him, “No” I also asked him (almost demanded) if he had a plan, I needed to know his plan of what medication was next and I wanted to jump out of my skin. I did not want to be me anymore and feel this way, I couldn’t stand it. Dr. L was so, so patient and good. He assured me he did have a “plan” but it was 8:30 at night on a Thursday, he didn’t have my plan right in front of him. He calmly encouraged me to stick it out with this med and to call him if I needed him. The way he spoke to me with such compassion I’ll never forget.

I prayed to God to give Dr. L wisdom and direction in treating me to please guide Dr. L in his choice of medications and to give me strength.

After 4 weeks the new medication did take effect but it wasn’t as great as it could be. I made an appointment with Dr. L and we discussed different meds and their side effects. Which side effects were acceptable to me? I really appreciated that my input was important. In the end we decided on an antidepressant and an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication. I had a written schedule to follow and I was cool with that.

At one point I did become angry with God. I couldn’t understand all the med changes and trials, the ups and the downs. It didn’t seem fair. I try to say that without whining. Being mad at God made me upset all over again. I was afraid that I was mad at Him. I spoke to one of the Pastors at church in tears about being angry at God. He looked at me so kindly and said, “It’s ok…He can take it”. After that my anger faded a bit and I prayed and asked for forgiveness.

As for the current combo I’m taking now, I’m so hopeful the feeling I have of being “me” lasts and lasts.