God

Being used

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Being used, but in a good way. Being used by God. I want an itinerary of when God will use me. Of course that isn’t going to happen but it would be nice to know ahead of time when you’re to be a blessing to someone. I remember fervently praying a couple of years ago asking God to use me. I wanted so badly to do something “great” in His name. I didn’t realize at the time I was being used for my own family. Encouraging my older girls to be involved in youth group, driving them to and from, having discussions about God and Jesus and the bible. He was using me and I didn’t recognize it. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. God uses us for his glory but in ways only he knows since he’s the one orchestrating the whole thing anyway. I’m realizing lately just how much He is in control and it’s striking and comforting. When I look at my life and the way things have fallen into place there is no other answer except “It’s God”. There are no coincidences and “oh isn’t that funny”. Nope, it’s The Lord.

One such example is Thomas’ school. They were the only school who called and I wasn’t even going to answer the phone. Thanks be to God that I did or The Holy spirit prompting me to pick up the phone. If I never had that conversation which led to visiting the school and eventually Thomas’ attendance I honestly don’t know what we would have done at that time. It was a desperate time for us and God hand picked this school for Thomas. I truly believe that with all I am. I’m wondering if this new job was handpicked for me for whatever reason. I wanted part time office work in Manhattan. I wanted to work as a nurse. Those criteria were met in that exact fashion. I’m almost afraid to believe this job is a direction that could only be guided by The Lord. But who else knew exactly what I wanted. No one. Why is it so hard to convince myself that I am deserving of being directed and controlled and the recipient of gifts by God? I consider God controlling my life almost too good to be true. I don’t see myself as being deserved of such attentive direction. Yet I will strongly proclaim His handiwork in the lives of just about everyone around me.

I do believe He is in control and I praise him. I seriously need to let go and let God.

Working

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I’m still in training but that’s ok as I think training will be coming to an end rather soon. I think I’m ok with training ending, it means I’ll be on my own and that’s a step forward. I like the job, I like the people I meet. I never in a million years thought I’d be working at this job. Never. My family has had to adjust a bit nothing earth shattering but I depend on the girls to be here to watch Samantha or pick her up from school. They’ve been cooperative and supportive so what more could I ask for?

For quite some time I’ve been questioning if God really has a plan for me. I felt as if I were floating around with no direction, sending my resume out for months with no replies whatsoever. Then it seems like BAM! All of a sudden I have this job and the hours are perfect and even in Manhattan. And for the icing on the cake, I went to bible study last night and it felt so right to be there. As if I was right where I was supposed to be.

I no longer feel like I’m floating around with no direction. I feel like I do have a direction, I don’t know where I’m going, just that I’m on my way. I believe that God has a plan, but what that plan is I have no idea. In God’s own timing will I find out what his plan is. And yet again I’m reminded of the patience required to trust God’s timing.

Moving on!

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So that interview I was so excited about last week? Yeah, it’s a “No”. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t disappointed, I am/was. But I know it simply was not to be. I do believe that what’s meant to be will be and this job was not meant for me. I’m still sending out resumes, still on the hunt. I learned that I’m not trusting God enough. I have to put all of my trust in Him, not just when I feel it’s convenient or when things are going well. The true test is when things don’t seem to be going your way. Am I still trusting him? When I was disappointed about not getting this job, was I trusting him? To be honest no I wasn’t. I’ve been thinking long and hard about this. I am putting my trust that The Lord will direct me to the right job. I need to be patient (not one of my strong points as I’ve written about). I need to trust Him. Trust him will all my heart even when things don’t seem to be going my way.

This thinking also leads back to my decision to return to Bible study this fall. I believe I’ve made up my mind to join a group I’m just trying to figure out which group? Our church hosts many small groups for just about every station in life. I’m leaning towards the familiar which is the small group I’ve attended in the past, the leader is wonderful. But then I wonder what a different group would be like? Such issues… I’m glad this is one of the decisions in my life right now.

So I’m moving on with the job search and moving on with the Bible study decision.

Following the spirit.

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For the past 3 years or so I’ve been singing in our church choir and I truly loved it. There isn’t a better group of people out there singing in a choir, IMO anyway. Our director made us a family, she encouraged us to pray for one another and I know I felt involved with their lives with prayer requests that were made and praise reports. It was a sweet 3 years. Have I mentioned how much I adore our choir director? She is awesome to put it simply.

However lately I’ve been contemplating not returning to choir and instead concentrating on one of the many small groups/bible study groups our church offers. Before joining the choir I was very involved with one particular women’s small group and I really enjoyed it. In fact that group helped me admit I needed help with Thomas and his aggression towards me. The leaders of that small group were the first people I ever told about Thomas and his aggression. I’ll never forget the kindness and feelings of non judgment I experienced.

So anyway, I’m unable to do both choir and small group as both are too much time away from my family. I’m feeling spirit led to return to small group and experience the fellowship and camaraderie of other people in this Christian life. If I chose the small group I will miss my choir family and the fellowship I have with them. I will miss certain personalities and the laughter we share. But I will be gaining other personalities some unknown right now. I know I’ll meet new people and gain new perspectives in sharing experiences and testimonies.

I’m not 100% sure which way I’m leaning. I could very well change my mind and stay with the choir. I’ll pray on it and see where the spirit leads me.

I need more patience.

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What does it take to learn patience? Because I obviously have none. I’m applying to jobs and first I had to wait out labor day weekend. Then the week after labor day because most people are still in vacation mode with it being a short week and all. I want things yesterday. I took my CPR for health providers class today and that was nice and a relief all at once. Nice because I was able to be around other grown ups and relief because I passed. I was unnecessarily worried that I would fail the class. I need a self confidence kick.

So getting back to my lack of patience. It seriously stinks. Actually I want more than patience I want whom ever reads my submitted resume to get back to me with a “Yes we want you and please come in for an interview” or “No…we’re not interested”. I don’t think I’m asking too much, haha! I’m sure me and the thousands of other job hunters out there would really appreciate one or the other reply.

So here’s the part when I need to trust God. To trust that He has already picked out the job for me and I simply need to wait on Him and His time table. A time table that does NOT resemble mine at all. I want things asap, God will provide when His time is perfect. Not necessarily when He is ready but when the time is literally perfect for Him to move.

I noticed I haven’t been praying as much as I had been before summer started and everyone was home and my routine was disturbed. I’ve begun praying again and I notice a peace that surrounds me when I pray. I not only pray for direction but also to worship. Worship Him who will finish what He has started. Worship the one and only true God. I’ve missed that feeling of peace when I was pre-occupied with “summer”. School has begun and I can get back to regular prayer and I also need to incorporate prayer when things get so busy. A way to make prayer a part of who I am and not just what I do when I think of it.

The thing is…

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I’m still on the fence about working as a nurse. Some days I get caught up in the job listings and see all sort of potential and then there are days I’m nervous as anything. Is this for real? Can I do this? According to the state board of Nursing website, I am now “registered” which means my license has been renewed. I have yet to receive the paper version of which. I’m sure I’ll receive it by mail within the next few days.

I have to keep reminding myself that it is not my will that shall be done but The Lord’s will. If I’m meant to work He will find the perfect job for me. One that will not cause strife within my family due to kids’ school schedule/conflicts. As He’s shown in the past if it is to be, it will be perfect. I have to keep reminding myself of this. Such as Thomas’ school. The Lord chose this school for Thomas, He made it happen. He was the one who made all the pieces fit. We just stood by and watched it happen. I have to remember this. And remember God doesn’t let us down, He has his own agenda which is usually way different than ours.

So I’ve been googling job openings for office jobs in my area. There are a few that have my interested peaked but now is not the right time to go applying. We will be going on vacation, then the kids will start school. I’m thinking after vacation I can start applying. Another hurry up and wait scenario but to be honest I’m looking forward to vacation. So anyway after vacation, will I be called right away for an interview? Will I even get an interview? These are scenarios I feel my confidence wavering in. I’m sure this is all normal for someone who’s been out of the work force as long as I have.

This should all be interesting when it all plays out.

Birthdays

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thomas and me birthday

My Thomas celebrated his 18th birthday this past week. It kind of blew me away that my first baby is now 18 years old. 18 years. It truly seems like yesterday I gave birth. I guess it will always seem that way no matter how old my children get. But 18…man! That’s a milestone. And what an 18 years it has been. How different things would have been if Thomas were an average “typical” child. But that’s not how God wanted it, planned it. It’s taken me a long time to accept that fact. That no matter what I did or didn’t do during my pregnancy and what the midwife did or didn’t do during Thomas’ delivery, The Father was/is in charge and was overseeing everything so that His plan was the one that played out.

It’s hard not to imagine what life could have been like had Thomas not been born the way he was. I like to tell myself there are no guarantees that he would have been a walk in the park. There’s no way of knowing if drugs would have been an issue. Would he have been extremely rebellious? Cutting school? I don’t know. I had a dream not to long ago that Thomas was completely typical. We were sitting together with Alyssa and talking. I don’t remember what we talked about but it was amazing and took me all day to get over that dream. My husband has had a similar dream as well. Was that a gift from The Lord to show us what to expect when we are no longer a part of this world? That there is a part of Thomas He has yet to reveal to us?

18 years old. 18 years of loving this child, fighting for him, changing who I am at my very core, my soul. Being who Thomas is changed me for who I am. I know that was part of The Lord’s plan as well. Amazing isn’t it? The domino effect.

We had an awesome family celebration for Thomas at a local restaurant by his school. Practically the whole staff came out to sing him Happy Birthday. Thomas was overwhelmed and almost hid behind Tommy. I stared at this child of mine. He’s still and always will be my “child” but now he’s a young man. The Lord will continue to work in us and He will continue to give us “gifts” that will glorify Him.

Praying hard…

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I’ve not hidden the fact that I am a Christian, that I pray, and that I have been diagnosed with depression.  Sometimes I feel like all three of those things are what define me lately.  I think about our Lord constantly wondering what His plans are, every day praying for direction and guidance.  I pray for Him to take away the depression, just literally take it away and since that’s not happening soon enough for me, I also thank The Lord for placing me in the hands of wonderful professionals who know how to treat me.  I thank Him for the knowledgeable and warm doctor and therapist I am in the care of.  I heard on the radio today, “pray hardest when it’s hardest to pray”.  Wow.  What  a statement.  I felt like this was directly talking to me because when the depression rears its ugly head I find it hardest to pray.  I find it hardest to believe He is with me.  I know in my heart He has not left me and God never will leave me but in those times of “grayness” and confusion I do pray when it’s hardest to pray and sure enough the fog lifts and I again feel secure in the love of my Lord.  And I’m so glad I did pray. Sometimes all I do is praise Him and thank Him for the many blessings He has given me. Many times just doing that; thanking and praising is enough to kick start some serious prayer session and I’m so glad I did that.

I saw my doctor yesterday. I let the depression carry on while I tried to fight it while refusing to call my doctor. Finally I just grew tired. Tired of feeling as if life is just passing me by while I mark off time. God placed this warm, extremely competent and caring physician in my path, I am a fool to not take advantage of that. I learned recently it can take a somewhat long time to recover from depression and trauma. Interesting, in my opinion anyway. I seriously thought I would take some meds, get some therapy and be on my happy way. Wrong. I never in a million years thought I’d still be in this battle. It is a battle and I’m fortunate that God is with me. I pray when it’s hardest to pray and He hears me.

The least of these

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Last week I was on the subway and there was an obviously homeless man sprawled out sleeping on the seats across from me.  He was very disheveled, dirty and his hair was all over the place, like it hadn’t been cut or groomed since who knows when.  Being the people watcher that I am I found this man fascinating.  Every now and then he would half awake and mimic in a high pitched voice the subway conductor who would warn, “Stay clear of the closing doors” between each stop.  I couldn’t stop staring at him all the while thinking of what Jesus taught that what we do to the least of them, we also do for him.  I will admit the homeless man scared me.  I was afraid he would catch me staring at him when he opened his eyes now and then.  I kept thinking, “Was I supposed to do something” for him as a Christian?  Where’s the rule book?  I didn’t  do anything except stare and watch him wondering about his life.  He wasn’t asking for money or food, he was merely sleeping on the crowded subway.  Was he ok with being homeless, was he mentally ill?  The thought that he may be mentally ill made me sad. This man was somebody’s son maybe brother.

I’m not proud that I was afraid of him.  But the whole subway ride I kept thinking of Jesus and what He would have done which was a heck of a lot more than I did.  I was wondering because I call myself a Christian am I really talking the talk and walking the walk?  I don’t believe it would have been a safe thing to do, to approach this man alone as a woman, but it make me think more about Jesus and what He would have done.
 

Change of pace

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Now that our youngest child is approaching 8yrs of age, I find myself wondering where do I fit in now?  When everybody was younger and Thomas was living home it was easy to define my role.  I was/am The Mom.  The Stay at Home Mom.  Overseer of all my children. Taking care of everything for everybody.  Now that the girls are older and Thomas isn’t living at home anymore  I find myself  in a state of not knowing what to do with myself.  I’m tired of cleaning ~ I used to clean like nobody’s business trying to keep up with these stupid standards I had in my head, but now I don’t have those standards anymore and I just keep everything nice.  However these days we’re in the middle of a kitchen ceiling renovation so things aren’t as “nice” as I’d like them to be.  So getting back to fitting in, I feel like an anomaly of sorts.  I do know other SAHM’s who are at or around my age and I have this thought in my head that I’m the only one having a hard time that I’m still home, wondering where I fit in.  I should ask them how they feel, but I think there’s a part of me that’s afraid they are going to say how happy and fulfilled they are staying home and meanwhile I am not.  

Then I tell myself that I’m exactly where God wants me right now and I just need to let go of my anxieties concerning this and know that He has a plan.  I’ve been applying to jobs for months now and I haven’t heard boo from any of them.  Right there that should tell me I’m supposed to be home right now.   I just don’t want to be.  I wonder how women did this stay at home thing many years ago, it wasn’t expected that they return to work after the kids went to school.  They just stayed home.  I guess they had many hobbies or something.

With everyone getting older I’m not needed as much.  I know they still need me, heck I still need my mother at times.  But there are more times that they are so independent of me I’m left wondering what to do?  And as whiney as I may sound don’t be mistaken I don’t even miss the days that everyone was small and totally needed me.  No, I don’t miss that at all.  In fact I cringe when I see some mother at the mall or grocery store and she’s trying to shop with all these small kids around, or the mom in the school yard trying to keep an eye on everyone after school.  No thank you. 

Maybe I need a happy medium?  I just need to find that.  Or a job.