Christ

Giving God the credit.

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I’ve been thinking lately how I haven’t been giving God the credit/glory for my life.  For my husband, my family, my depression being lifted.  Here I am feeling healthy for the first time in a long time and I have the nerve to not give God the glory. I credited my doctor for finding the right medication to prescribe but truth is if it weren’t for God who placed this doctor in my life to begin with I wouldn’t be where I am right now. I had been frustrated that it took as long as it did to find the right medication. There is a reason it took as long as it did. What that reason is? I have no idea but I know it is part of His master plan. God always has a plan. We’re just not always privy to what that plan is.

I think of my testimony of the first time I met the Lord. Thomas was in and out of the psychiatric hospital. And I was angry, so very angry. Angry at God for not letting me “in” to know his plan. I’d never been angry like this before, my husband was even concerned.  My friend Toni suggested I listen to the song by Casting Crowns, “Praise you in this storm”. I’d heard the song many times before, I even sang along to it if it played on the radion. I put the CD in while driving home after dropping Samantha off at pre-K one morning.  As the song played I began crying, and crying. While stopped at a red light (at an intersection I’ll never forget) I had the distinct vision of Jesus standing behind me.  While I was crying I envisioned Him cupping his hand and collecting my tears.  It was beautiful. I drove home in peace and had peace from then on. I was no longer angry at God. I realized He did have a plan and I only needed to trust in Him.

I think now of the trust I had then. I need to always have that trust and know that He is God and nothing is by accident or coincidence. There was no mistake in the medications I tried and they didn’t work. There are reasons only known by Him why I had to go through that storm. And it is by His grace that I came through the storm and I can talk about it.

Life~I’ve been happy

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LIfe’s been good.  Today is Thomas’ prom and we’re going, the whole family plus Alyssa’s boyfriend. We will have a good time I know. Thomas is really looking forward to it and on the phone happily told me all about the new clothes he recently shopped for along with new shoes.  He will look so handsome! We’re bringing him home after the prom and on Saturday we will celebrate my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary with a party. My sister did about all of the work related to the party. I can’t thank her enough.

Alyssa and I have toured 2 colleges in Manhattan.  She’s a junior in high school set to graduate next year. I can’t believe we’re looking at colleges for crying out loud, it seems like just yesterday she was in grade school and Samantha was just born.

So as my title says I’ve been happy. I love feeling this way. It’s so “normal” I’m not detached or depressed. I don’t feel like I have to “work” at being myself. It’s all good. I’m still seeing my therapist but it’s different now. I’m not searching for anything, mostly we just talk about life, or rather I talk about my life.  The “usual” circumstances that happen when you have children of various ages. It’s a good talk.

I really enjoy church. I’m really trying lately to understand “is God enough?” I feel like my eyes have been opened recently in realizing that I have other things and people in front of God and this is not right. I need for Him to be first. I want for Him to be first.  I’ve also stopped comparing my family to others. I didn’t realize I was doing this until I stopped and had a realization that God has given me the people in my family. He hand chose them and me to be together in this lifetime. I haven’t been discouraged in my walk with the Lord, rather He’s made me pause and think and appreciate all that I’ve taken for granted. My family, my husband and even God. I hope to have a more grateful approach to life.

It’s been a while…

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It’s been a while since I’ve written in this blog.  Nothing much has changed since my last entry. I’m still working the job, I still love the Lord, and the family is fine. I’m just quiet. I don’t particularly like being quiet. I need to be shaken up a bit, but in a good way. I’m searching and applying for other jobs but I’ve only been met with rejections. I keep reminding myself that where ever I am is exactly where God wants me to be. I have handed over my trust to the Lord that another job will come along when He feels the time is right and it’s where I’m meant to be. So right now midtown Manhattan twice a week is where I am meant to be and where the Lord wants me. I don’t dislike the job, I do wish I had more hours and more people interaction. I like chatting and interacting with the public. Speaking of the Lord, I’m enjoying church and bible study. I’ve been quiet at both venues though. I used to be very outgoing during bible study, sharing my thoughts and ideas. As of late I’ve been taking a back seat and let others be vocal and just take it all in. There we go with the quiet issue again. I haven’t had anything to share or felt the need to share. I so want to change that. Again I need a shake up. I’m still thrift shopping, finding treasures here and there.  Last week I found the cutest Chanel t shirt and the week before brand new Diesel denim that fit like a glove. Lucky for me both were in my size so I was happy with those scores. On the Thomas front, Tommy and I are officially his legal guardians. When Thomas turned 18 Tommy and I had to file for legal guardianship of Thomas so we will be able to continue to make decisions for him as he is incapable of making decisions for himself. We were fingerprinted and back ground checked.  I find that mildly amusing as no one said boo to me when I gave birth and we were sent home without any kind of instruction manual. But then Thomas turns 18 and we’re subject to whether or not we are capable of being his guardians. We seemed to do a fine enough job for the past 18 years…

Christmas songs

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I love “The Little Drummer Boy”, love that song. My Grandmother used to collect things that had to do with the little drummer boy, little statues, she even had a little drummer boy doll that she kept in it’s own display case. I adored my grandmother so when I hear the Little Drummer boy song I always think of her, no matter who sings it or what version.

Another song I love is “Oh Holy Night/Night Divine”. When they sing, “Fall on your knees and hear the angel voices…” I get choked up. I fight the urge to actually fall on my knees to honor our newborn King. There are so many songs that evoke such strong emotions. The realization that we are celebrating our Savior’s birth is no light matter. The fact that God came down to us in the form of a helpless baby, that God gave his only son…

Don’t get me wrong I enjoy the other Christmas songs like Santa Clause is Coming to Town, nobody does it better than Bruce Springstein, IMO anyway. But there’s something so special about the songs that sing of the birth of Christ, the real reason we are celebrating Christmas. Jesus’ birth. “The First Noel” reminds us that God alerted shepherds tending their sheep of the birth of Jesus. That Christ entered this world in such a simple manner yet his life turned the world upside down. It’s amazing.

God and outside church.

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I love when I’m in church and worshipping our Lord. I feel so content to be there and I know He hears me. Everything seems so black and white and comforting. We love Him, He loves us. Jesus died to save us who are sinners. Since entering the workforce I question how to integrate God and “work”. How to get that feeling on Sunday to last while at work? How do we bring God to work with us? I pray on the way to work constantly. Then afterwards I try to remember to pray for thanks for His presence in my life while I was at work.

Bringing God to work. I know some people who are able to do that successfully. Co-workers know they are Christians and I think that is wonderful. There are many times I would love to shout “I am a Christian, I love Him!” but I’m sure it wouldn’t go over well. My workplace isn’t a traditional office setting. I see clients and then they are on their way. There isn’t any way I could just slip God into the conversation. Or rather I don’t see a way to bring God into the conversation. The client is in my presence for a specific reason/procedure and that is exactly what we talk about, why they are there. Honestly I don’t necessarily want to witness at work, I want to bring God with me to work. Bring his presence with me, make it a part of me. I don’t want to feel the separation of “Sunday” me and “work” me. Its almost as if there are 2 worlds that can’t seem to collide. I want them to collide and coexist in a manner that it would be impossible to separate. It’s like my soul is craving more God in more places of my life.

I’m thinking I need to spend more time in the word. I don’t feel I spend enough time reading my bible and taking note of verses that speak to and/or convict me. I can’t think of any other way to draw closer to God and enable myself to make my worlds collide.

On another note I want my bible to be less “neat”, it’s only recently that I’ve felt bold enough to underline specific verses we’ve gone over while at bible study. A highlighter marker is now on the shopping list.

Prayers and Anxiety

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Anxiety, it stinks or more accurately it sucks. Plain and simple. It sucks to be worried about “things” all the time. Afraid that if you don’t worry that something even more terrible will happen. That’s how my mind works anyway. So I tend to pray more when anxious. Pray for God to take the anxiety away, pray for whatever I’m worried about to NOT actually happen and then pray again for Him to alleviate my anxiety. I have to say sometimes prayer actually works. IME anyway He does take the anxiety down a notch. I know He does. I wish I could lay it all on The Lord so that I have no anxieties the way it says to do in the bible:

1 Peter 5:6-7English Standard Version (ESV)

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

That’s the verse. The verse that really says it all to an anxious person. Now to actually apply it. That’s the tough part. There are times I feel the anxiety is simply a part of who I am as a person. I’ve learned some techniques for managing it but nothing really makes it go away. I should learn from my own past as the times that I have been able to cast my anxieties on Him; The Lord has not let me down. He truly answered my prayers. Those are the times where I’ve been exhausted by the anxiety and felt I had no where left to turn except to the Lord. I want to be in a place to cast my anxieties on him before I’m exhausted. I need to remember that He will never leave or forsake me.

Being used

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Being used, but in a good way. Being used by God. I want an itinerary of when God will use me. Of course that isn’t going to happen but it would be nice to know ahead of time when you’re to be a blessing to someone. I remember fervently praying a couple of years ago asking God to use me. I wanted so badly to do something “great” in His name. I didn’t realize at the time I was being used for my own family. Encouraging my older girls to be involved in youth group, driving them to and from, having discussions about God and Jesus and the bible. He was using me and I didn’t recognize it. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. God uses us for his glory but in ways only he knows since he’s the one orchestrating the whole thing anyway. I’m realizing lately just how much He is in control and it’s striking and comforting. When I look at my life and the way things have fallen into place there is no other answer except “It’s God”. There are no coincidences and “oh isn’t that funny”. Nope, it’s The Lord.

One such example is Thomas’ school. They were the only school who called and I wasn’t even going to answer the phone. Thanks be to God that I did or The Holy spirit prompting me to pick up the phone. If I never had that conversation which led to visiting the school and eventually Thomas’ attendance I honestly don’t know what we would have done at that time. It was a desperate time for us and God hand picked this school for Thomas. I truly believe that with all I am. I’m wondering if this new job was handpicked for me for whatever reason. I wanted part time office work in Manhattan. I wanted to work as a nurse. Those criteria were met in that exact fashion. I’m almost afraid to believe this job is a direction that could only be guided by The Lord. But who else knew exactly what I wanted. No one. Why is it so hard to convince myself that I am deserving of being directed and controlled and the recipient of gifts by God? I consider God controlling my life almost too good to be true. I don’t see myself as being deserved of such attentive direction. Yet I will strongly proclaim His handiwork in the lives of just about everyone around me.

I do believe He is in control and I praise him. I seriously need to let go and let God.

Moving on!

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So that interview I was so excited about last week? Yeah, it’s a “No”. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t disappointed, I am/was. But I know it simply was not to be. I do believe that what’s meant to be will be and this job was not meant for me. I’m still sending out resumes, still on the hunt. I learned that I’m not trusting God enough. I have to put all of my trust in Him, not just when I feel it’s convenient or when things are going well. The true test is when things don’t seem to be going your way. Am I still trusting him? When I was disappointed about not getting this job, was I trusting him? To be honest no I wasn’t. I’ve been thinking long and hard about this. I am putting my trust that The Lord will direct me to the right job. I need to be patient (not one of my strong points as I’ve written about). I need to trust Him. Trust him will all my heart even when things don’t seem to be going my way.

This thinking also leads back to my decision to return to Bible study this fall. I believe I’ve made up my mind to join a group I’m just trying to figure out which group? Our church hosts many small groups for just about every station in life. I’m leaning towards the familiar which is the small group I’ve attended in the past, the leader is wonderful. But then I wonder what a different group would be like? Such issues… I’m glad this is one of the decisions in my life right now.

So I’m moving on with the job search and moving on with the Bible study decision.

Following the spirit.

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For the past 3 years or so I’ve been singing in our church choir and I truly loved it. There isn’t a better group of people out there singing in a choir, IMO anyway. Our director made us a family, she encouraged us to pray for one another and I know I felt involved with their lives with prayer requests that were made and praise reports. It was a sweet 3 years. Have I mentioned how much I adore our choir director? She is awesome to put it simply.

However lately I’ve been contemplating not returning to choir and instead concentrating on one of the many small groups/bible study groups our church offers. Before joining the choir I was very involved with one particular women’s small group and I really enjoyed it. In fact that group helped me admit I needed help with Thomas and his aggression towards me. The leaders of that small group were the first people I ever told about Thomas and his aggression. I’ll never forget the kindness and feelings of non judgment I experienced.

So anyway, I’m unable to do both choir and small group as both are too much time away from my family. I’m feeling spirit led to return to small group and experience the fellowship and camaraderie of other people in this Christian life. If I chose the small group I will miss my choir family and the fellowship I have with them. I will miss certain personalities and the laughter we share. But I will be gaining other personalities some unknown right now. I know I’ll meet new people and gain new perspectives in sharing experiences and testimonies.

I’m not 100% sure which way I’m leaning. I could very well change my mind and stay with the choir. I’ll pray on it and see where the spirit leads me.

I need more patience.

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What does it take to learn patience? Because I obviously have none. I’m applying to jobs and first I had to wait out labor day weekend. Then the week after labor day because most people are still in vacation mode with it being a short week and all. I want things yesterday. I took my CPR for health providers class today and that was nice and a relief all at once. Nice because I was able to be around other grown ups and relief because I passed. I was unnecessarily worried that I would fail the class. I need a self confidence kick.

So getting back to my lack of patience. It seriously stinks. Actually I want more than patience I want whom ever reads my submitted resume to get back to me with a “Yes we want you and please come in for an interview” or “No…we’re not interested”. I don’t think I’m asking too much, haha! I’m sure me and the thousands of other job hunters out there would really appreciate one or the other reply.

So here’s the part when I need to trust God. To trust that He has already picked out the job for me and I simply need to wait on Him and His time table. A time table that does NOT resemble mine at all. I want things asap, God will provide when His time is perfect. Not necessarily when He is ready but when the time is literally perfect for Him to move.

I noticed I haven’t been praying as much as I had been before summer started and everyone was home and my routine was disturbed. I’ve begun praying again and I notice a peace that surrounds me when I pray. I not only pray for direction but also to worship. Worship Him who will finish what He has started. Worship the one and only true God. I’ve missed that feeling of peace when I was pre-occupied with “summer”. School has begun and I can get back to regular prayer and I also need to incorporate prayer when things get so busy. A way to make prayer a part of who I am and not just what I do when I think of it.