Christian music

Giving God the credit.

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I’ve been thinking lately how I haven’t been giving God the credit/glory for my life.  For my husband, my family, my depression being lifted.  Here I am feeling healthy for the first time in a long time and I have the nerve to not give God the glory. I credited my doctor for finding the right medication to prescribe but truth is if it weren’t for God who placed this doctor in my life to begin with I wouldn’t be where I am right now. I had been frustrated that it took as long as it did to find the right medication. There is a reason it took as long as it did. What that reason is? I have no idea but I know it is part of His master plan. God always has a plan. We’re just not always privy to what that plan is.

I think of my testimony of the first time I met the Lord. Thomas was in and out of the psychiatric hospital. And I was angry, so very angry. Angry at God for not letting me “in” to know his plan. I’d never been angry like this before, my husband was even concerned.  My friend Toni suggested I listen to the song by Casting Crowns, “Praise you in this storm”. I’d heard the song many times before, I even sang along to it if it played on the radion. I put the CD in while driving home after dropping Samantha off at pre-K one morning.  As the song played I began crying, and crying. While stopped at a red light (at an intersection I’ll never forget) I had the distinct vision of Jesus standing behind me.  While I was crying I envisioned Him cupping his hand and collecting my tears.  It was beautiful. I drove home in peace and had peace from then on. I was no longer angry at God. I realized He did have a plan and I only needed to trust in Him.

I think now of the trust I had then. I need to always have that trust and know that He is God and nothing is by accident or coincidence. There was no mistake in the medications I tried and they didn’t work. There are reasons only known by Him why I had to go through that storm. And it is by His grace that I came through the storm and I can talk about it.

Following the spirit.

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For the past 3 years or so I’ve been singing in our church choir and I truly loved it. There isn’t a better group of people out there singing in a choir, IMO anyway. Our director made us a family, she encouraged us to pray for one another and I know I felt involved with their lives with prayer requests that were made and praise reports. It was a sweet 3 years. Have I mentioned how much I adore our choir director? She is awesome to put it simply.

However lately I’ve been contemplating not returning to choir and instead concentrating on one of the many small groups/bible study groups our church offers. Before joining the choir I was very involved with one particular women’s small group and I really enjoyed it. In fact that group helped me admit I needed help with Thomas and his aggression towards me. The leaders of that small group were the first people I ever told about Thomas and his aggression. I’ll never forget the kindness and feelings of non judgment I experienced.

So anyway, I’m unable to do both choir and small group as both are too much time away from my family. I’m feeling spirit led to return to small group and experience the fellowship and camaraderie of other people in this Christian life. If I chose the small group I will miss my choir family and the fellowship I have with them. I will miss certain personalities and the laughter we share. But I will be gaining other personalities some unknown right now. I know I’ll meet new people and gain new perspectives in sharing experiences and testimonies.

I’m not 100% sure which way I’m leaning. I could very well change my mind and stay with the choir. I’ll pray on it and see where the spirit leads me.

Sunday~Choir Day

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It’s 6:30 am on a Sunday and the only reason I’m up is because the the choir is singing today at church and I’m in the choir.  I’m not complaining about being up (No, I don’t enjoy waking up this early on a Sunday) but it is what it is.  We are to be at church approx. an hour before the first service for extra practice time.  I don’t even mind the practice as it gives us a chance to say hello/good morning and just be together, in between songs we’ll laugh and joke a bit.  It’s really nice and kind of makes up for the fact that we’re all there so early :).  I’ve mentioned before how much I enjoy being in the choir.  Everyone is really nice and genuine.  There is no phony-ness although I see no reason for that to even exist anyway within our choir.   What I love the most is the fellowship.  I’m probably repeating myself from a previous post but I can’t help it.  To know when you really need prayers that this group of awesome people will pray for you is an incredible feeling.

The only thing I would change right now is the weather.  It’s colder at 7:45 am than 10:15 am which is the time I usually go to church when the choir is not singing.  I have to laugh because when I first joined the choir and I was told what time we had to be there on the Sundays that we sing, someone should have told me what my face looked like.  I say this because inside my head I was like, “Nooooo!!  Oh No…please tell me you’re joking”.  It’s funny though because you do get used to it and to be honest after a while it’s really ok, you just have to get over the initial jolt. I’m not a morning person but as I get older I find mornings can be pretty cool; just don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee.

Oh and the other really cool part about being in the choir is that we get to sing for all 3 services.  I love that as each service has it’s own personality.  When you’re up there you realize this and it makes it all the more special for some reason.  One or two services are more vocal than others, one can be on the “quiet” side, one can start out quiet than really get into the singing.  It’s really sweet to be a part of every service in that way. 

What totally surprised me is that people really do notice you up there.  You might think you’re inconspicuous or hidden behind the microphone or another person but …nope!  You are out there and people see *you*.  At first I thought that might freak me out a bit, but it didn’t and still doesn’t.  Story of God’s sense of humor:  The first Sunday I was singing with the choir I was determined to not be in the first row.  I was very nervous.  I somehow managed to situate myself in the second row and I was feeling good about that for my first Sunday.  Then the choir director asked someone to move to the first row to even us out.  I felt my hand go up and then I heard myself say, “I’ll go”.  What??  Who said that??  I ended up in the first row and you know what it was fine, totally fine.  I was not nervous and I really felt like I was singing in front of my family.  I was.  I was in front of my church family.  God would never let me make him look bad.

Today

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Today Thomas went back to school.  I wonder when the visits and saying goodbye will be “easy”.  They’re not full of tears and heart wrenching goodbyes but the emotions involved are hard to digest once he actually does leave.  “I need to have more patience, I wish I didn’t get annoyed when…, Why does he still target me?” I ask these questions rhetorically. This is a sampling of the questions and guilt I still carry a year and half after admitting Thomas to residential school.  I know logically he is in a more structured environment with staff who have back up thus probably have more patience and they don’t have the emotional investment I have as Thomas’ mother.  Logic and emotions don’t usually co exist with me.

I’m glad I was able to go to church this morning. I love our Lord and I’m so glad I get to worship him freely. Our Pastor read from Philippians today talking about how Paul wants us to “press on to make it my own because Christ Jesus has made me his own. (Philippians 3:12). This strikes me as so comforting to know that Jesus has made me his own. Pastor also spoke about forgiveness and, “…forgetting what lies behind”(Philippians 3:13). I have a difficult time with this concerning Thomas and all the events leading up to him requiring residential school. Have I forgiven him? Have I forgiven myself for not being enough? Again rhetorical questions that I must work through.

I love the lyrics to the song “You Loved Me Anyway” by the Sidewalk Prophets. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y8BBCYFAYRI. That song has ministered to me in ways I can’t even describe.
All the things we are to Him yet He loves us anyway. Thorn in His crown, nail in His wrist, shouting from the crowd for His blood to be spilled, etc… This song reminds me of how great His love for us is. That love is amazing.

Playing it Safe

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I had the pleasure of attending an amazing Hillsong United concert last night.  They were incredible and so full of energy!  Not only was the music great but the “talking” part was wonderful as well as it was all about Jesus, some prayers and some preaching.  No matter, it was all good. 

While thinking about the concert and how open these artists are with their faith I admire them and anyone else who does not play it safe for fear of rejection, persecution, hatred, etc… I like to think I do not play it safe but I don’t believe I’ve ever been in a situation of defending my faith. I’m fortunate to live in this country and I’m free to worship God. I do enjoy declaring that I am a Christian and try to live as one.

I admire my 12 year old daughter. For the past 2 years in middle school she has challenged her science teachers when they teach evolution and/or the “Big Bang theory”. She asks, “What came before that?” And she’ll repeat herself until the teacher doesn’t have any answers left. I admire her tenacity. I don’t know if I would have been so bold at that age.

I guess this boils down to boldness as well which I’ve discussed in a previous post. I don’t want to play it safe. And I’m thinking me writing this blog could be my way of being bold. I’ve written things here that I’ve barely spoken about. I believe with all I am many times what I’ve written was directed by the Holy Spirit as I wouldn’t start out as passionate as I’ve ended. I guess that statement would be a testimony to the work of the Spirit in my life.

I also believe the Holy Spirit immensely enjoys guiding us to do, say or write things that bring Glory to God. Giving us the words to say or actions to perform. I find Him fascinating and I’m so grateful to have seen The Spirit in action first hand. It was the Holy Spirit who directed me to pick up the phone when the one residential school returned my call and actually spoke to me about my son. This is the school he now attends.

To reply to my own thought; To “play it safe” would be denying the Holy Spirit. That’s how I see it anyway. Rebelling against his pushing and prodding to do something or the right words to say or write. What God the Father actually wants you to do as per his will and plan. Many times I wish there were a clear written letter or directions from the Spirit. However it’s been my experience that one just knowswhen The Spirit is at work.

Music

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These days I only listen to contemporary Christian music.  I love Hillsong, Matt Maher, Casting Crowns to name a few.  I find the music really hits my soul.  Before I found the Christian music station on the radio I was always searching for music to fill my soul, I felt like I was always looking for “something” when I was in the car flipping through the stations.  When I finally did find the Christian station I was so excited I had no idea how long they had been around or anything I was just so thrilled to find this music!

To me the funny thing is I spent my teenage years listening and going to many concerts of heavy metal bands.  We had a great time, some more fun than others. Sometimes we went to clubs to see bands and that was usually interesting when the mosh pit started. You learned quickly to back up and not get “caught in a mosh”

Oddly enough these days I rarely listen to the music I loved and adored back in the day. I really would rather hear a Christian song praising The Lord. Every now and then my husband will play some blast from the past and after I smile at the memories I’m done, I’m good you can shut that off now…

What makes me smile the most is when my daughters will ask me to turn up a song while I’m driving. The first time I was so surprised. Now I hear Christian music coming from my oldest daughter’s room when she’s getting ready in the morning. The two older girls do listen to “regular” music too like modern day stuff and I feel so behind when I don’t know these songs but meh…it’s ok I deal and feel a little old.

I just love the way contemporary Christian music lets me worship and the way it ministers to me. I never thought that would happen. But God works that way I guess.