Christianity

Working

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I’m still in training but that’s ok as I think training will be coming to an end rather soon. I think I’m ok with training ending, it means I’ll be on my own and that’s a step forward. I like the job, I like the people I meet. I never in a million years thought I’d be working at this job. Never. My family has had to adjust a bit nothing earth shattering but I depend on the girls to be here to watch Samantha or pick her up from school. They’ve been cooperative and supportive so what more could I ask for?

For quite some time I’ve been questioning if God really has a plan for me. I felt as if I were floating around with no direction, sending my resume out for months with no replies whatsoever. Then it seems like BAM! All of a sudden I have this job and the hours are perfect and even in Manhattan. And for the icing on the cake, I went to bible study last night and it felt so right to be there. As if I was right where I was supposed to be.

I no longer feel like I’m floating around with no direction. I feel like I do have a direction, I don’t know where I’m going, just that I’m on my way. I believe that God has a plan, but what that plan is I have no idea. In God’s own timing will I find out what his plan is. And yet again I’m reminded of the patience required to trust God’s timing.

Moving on!

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So that interview I was so excited about last week? Yeah, it’s a “No”. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t disappointed, I am/was. But I know it simply was not to be. I do believe that what’s meant to be will be and this job was not meant for me. I’m still sending out resumes, still on the hunt. I learned that I’m not trusting God enough. I have to put all of my trust in Him, not just when I feel it’s convenient or when things are going well. The true test is when things don’t seem to be going your way. Am I still trusting him? When I was disappointed about not getting this job, was I trusting him? To be honest no I wasn’t. I’ve been thinking long and hard about this. I am putting my trust that The Lord will direct me to the right job. I need to be patient (not one of my strong points as I’ve written about). I need to trust Him. Trust him will all my heart even when things don’t seem to be going my way.

This thinking also leads back to my decision to return to Bible study this fall. I believe I’ve made up my mind to join a group I’m just trying to figure out which group? Our church hosts many small groups for just about every station in life. I’m leaning towards the familiar which is the small group I’ve attended in the past, the leader is wonderful. But then I wonder what a different group would be like? Such issues… I’m glad this is one of the decisions in my life right now.

So I’m moving on with the job search and moving on with the Bible study decision.

Following the spirit.

MenayO2 Comments

For the past 3 years or so I’ve been singing in our church choir and I truly loved it. There isn’t a better group of people out there singing in a choir, IMO anyway. Our director made us a family, she encouraged us to pray for one another and I know I felt involved with their lives with prayer requests that were made and praise reports. It was a sweet 3 years. Have I mentioned how much I adore our choir director? She is awesome to put it simply.

However lately I’ve been contemplating not returning to choir and instead concentrating on one of the many small groups/bible study groups our church offers. Before joining the choir I was very involved with one particular women’s small group and I really enjoyed it. In fact that group helped me admit I needed help with Thomas and his aggression towards me. The leaders of that small group were the first people I ever told about Thomas and his aggression. I’ll never forget the kindness and feelings of non judgment I experienced.

So anyway, I’m unable to do both choir and small group as both are too much time away from my family. I’m feeling spirit led to return to small group and experience the fellowship and camaraderie of other people in this Christian life. If I chose the small group I will miss my choir family and the fellowship I have with them. I will miss certain personalities and the laughter we share. But I will be gaining other personalities some unknown right now. I know I’ll meet new people and gain new perspectives in sharing experiences and testimonies.

I’m not 100% sure which way I’m leaning. I could very well change my mind and stay with the choir. I’ll pray on it and see where the spirit leads me.

Back to school and the job hunt

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So now with September looming on the horizon and everyone returning to school and me with nursing license in hand, I’m actively job hunting and actually did send my resume in for one job that peaked my interest. I’m actually nervous that I’ll get an interview. I do realize that an interview is the next logical step and usually most desired next step. I have to remind myself that I am not in control and I never was. God is choreographing every next step and the way he is paving can only be for my good and his glory. I need to remember this, tattoo it on my brain somehow. I do hope to get an interview, nervousness aside.

I’m taking CPR certification next weekend. I’m looking forward to getting that card as many job postings require that training. I had my PPD (tuberculosis test) placed and it was negative. So I am moving along but not as fast as I want to. I want everything yesterday. I want the CPR class done yesterday. But that is not the way it’s supposed to go. I’ve also contacted a the nursing board for NJ for information of how to obtain my license in the Great Garden State. That will open up more job opportunities. There have been one or two I would have liked to apply for if I’d already had my NJ license.

I’m grateful for a God who will makes things work together for my good. I’m grateful for feeling good, that the depression isn’t holding me down and keeping me down. I’m grateful for an awesome combo of meds put together by my wonderful doctor. I haven’t seen my therapist since June. Between her and my vacation plans and Alyssa working for most of the summer making her unavailable to watch Samantha, we both decided to take a hiatus until September. I’m pleased to say I’ve been “ok”. I have been in contact with Nancy via email and if I really needed her she’s only a phone call away. Thankfully I haven’t needed to call her. I haven’t been in a place where it was necessary. And for that I’m so grateful.

The thing is…

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I’m still on the fence about working as a nurse. Some days I get caught up in the job listings and see all sort of potential and then there are days I’m nervous as anything. Is this for real? Can I do this? According to the state board of Nursing website, I am now “registered” which means my license has been renewed. I have yet to receive the paper version of which. I’m sure I’ll receive it by mail within the next few days.

I have to keep reminding myself that it is not my will that shall be done but The Lord’s will. If I’m meant to work He will find the perfect job for me. One that will not cause strife within my family due to kids’ school schedule/conflicts. As He’s shown in the past if it is to be, it will be perfect. I have to keep reminding myself of this. Such as Thomas’ school. The Lord chose this school for Thomas, He made it happen. He was the one who made all the pieces fit. We just stood by and watched it happen. I have to remember this. And remember God doesn’t let us down, He has his own agenda which is usually way different than ours.

So I’ve been googling job openings for office jobs in my area. There are a few that have my interested peaked but now is not the right time to go applying. We will be going on vacation, then the kids will start school. I’m thinking after vacation I can start applying. Another hurry up and wait scenario but to be honest I’m looking forward to vacation. So anyway after vacation, will I be called right away for an interview? Will I even get an interview? These are scenarios I feel my confidence wavering in. I’m sure this is all normal for someone who’s been out of the work force as long as I have.

This should all be interesting when it all plays out.

Waiting.

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So right now I’m waiting for the Board of Nursing to receive my license renewal. Waiting. Waiting stinks. “Hurry up and wait” is how I feel about most things that aren’t immediate gratification. I’m so curious as to how my job search is going to go. Where will I end up? I’ve already googled some search terms that I’m interested in and surprisingly there were a couple of prospects open. I’m not naïve enough to believe I’ll be hired at once, but it’s nice to day dream a bit. You know, since I now have this time to wait.

Waiting. It could be worse I suppose. I could have been fined heavily for not renewing my license years ago when I was supposed to. But I wasn’t. Honestly, it was an act of defiance for me to NOT renew it. Like I was trying to burn a bridge. But that bridge wasn’t burned it was merely put out of service for a while.

I’m thinking it is the Lord’s plan for me to wait. Waiting for Him to set into motion the plan He has for my life. I’m hoping since this seems to be the right direction that he’ll throw open a couple of door or maybe windows my way. You never know. I think of the many times I’ve prayed and desperately needed Him to open a door and bam! There was that door wide open. Amazing. In a way only God could maneuver. There is no other explanation.

So I wait. And wonder which door The Lord will open. Which window if not a door? I’m looking forward to this journey.

Going forward after stepping back.

MenayO1 Comment

Many of you know I am a registered nurse but I haven’t worked as a nurse in about 9 years. I left my last office job shortly before I became pregnant with Samantha who is now 8yrs old. I swore I wouldn’t work as a nurse again. Swore up down and sideways: nope not going back. I tried doing retail (which I loved by the way) but the schedule was too demanding for our family. I tried my own business of reselling my awesome thrift finds but that didn’t work out either. So now I find myself job hunting with no real skills other than nursing skills. The only thing I’m skilled to do is what I swore off doing. I’m also watching friends of mine returning to school to study… you guessed it; nursing. Here I am already armed with that education and some experience and I can’t even get a job at Trader Joes.

So now I find myself calling the State Board of Nursing to inquire about renewing my license that I had let lapse. It’s no big deal to renew, I have to pay a small fee and take an infection control class (The OCD/neurotic in me already did that right after calling the Board of Nursing). I’m on my way. I’m wondering if this is what’s meant to be. When I say to myself, “You’re a nurse” it just feels “right”. Is this the path the Lord has meant for me for these past years and I fought Him tooth and nail kicking my feet, with nothing else working out? I believe the answer to be yes. I laugh at myself and how determined I was to NOT work in this field again. Then there I am making that phone call.

But now I’m wondering who will hire me after being out of the loop for 9 years. I’m cautiously optimistic as I do believe if this is what God wants me to do, He will also provide a job for me that will be perfect for me and perfect for the needs of my family. I’m sure I’ll be uncomfortable and downright scared but I have to have faith it will work out. My life is in no other hands but His.

Birthdays

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thomas and me birthday

My Thomas celebrated his 18th birthday this past week. It kind of blew me away that my first baby is now 18 years old. 18 years. It truly seems like yesterday I gave birth. I guess it will always seem that way no matter how old my children get. But 18…man! That’s a milestone. And what an 18 years it has been. How different things would have been if Thomas were an average “typical” child. But that’s not how God wanted it, planned it. It’s taken me a long time to accept that fact. That no matter what I did or didn’t do during my pregnancy and what the midwife did or didn’t do during Thomas’ delivery, The Father was/is in charge and was overseeing everything so that His plan was the one that played out.

It’s hard not to imagine what life could have been like had Thomas not been born the way he was. I like to tell myself there are no guarantees that he would have been a walk in the park. There’s no way of knowing if drugs would have been an issue. Would he have been extremely rebellious? Cutting school? I don’t know. I had a dream not to long ago that Thomas was completely typical. We were sitting together with Alyssa and talking. I don’t remember what we talked about but it was amazing and took me all day to get over that dream. My husband has had a similar dream as well. Was that a gift from The Lord to show us what to expect when we are no longer a part of this world? That there is a part of Thomas He has yet to reveal to us?

18 years old. 18 years of loving this child, fighting for him, changing who I am at my very core, my soul. Being who Thomas is changed me for who I am. I know that was part of The Lord’s plan as well. Amazing isn’t it? The domino effect.

We had an awesome family celebration for Thomas at a local restaurant by his school. Practically the whole staff came out to sing him Happy Birthday. Thomas was overwhelmed and almost hid behind Tommy. I stared at this child of mine. He’s still and always will be my “child” but now he’s a young man. The Lord will continue to work in us and He will continue to give us “gifts” that will glorify Him.

Identity

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It’s here, summer vacation; the kids are off from school. Part of me really enjoys the lack of a schedule, not getting up early and encouraging certain children to get ready for school on time. There’s the other part of me that misses the routine. That predictable routine. The certain number of almost guaranteed kid free hours. I will admit though I do get bored when everyone is in school, I’m currently searching for a part time job (with no success) to get me out of this house when everyone is in school. I will also admit I’m not thrilled with my current station of stay at home mom. Honestly at this point in time it is not something I would recommend anyone to do. Stay home that is. The loss of identity is overwhelming. I think that is one of my issues right now. I know I’m a wife, a mom of 4 and a Christian; in no particular order. Those are the big 3 identities I can think of right now and all put together they just don’t seem “enough”. As I’ve written before I envy those moms who are at home like me who seem to have it all together.

With Thomas not living here my identity did a major shift. I’m still his mother but I’m also not “Thomas’ mother” the way I was when he lived home. When he entered residential school I gave him to them with a heavy heart. I still mourn that loss of identity. It was like the rug was taken from under me. I wouldn’t change our decision of residential school, it was absolutely the best for Thomas and our family. And two years later it still remains the best decision.

I want a magic ball, the one where you can look into the future and see what path God has put us on and how it all plays out. Which leads to the identity of being a Christian. I firmly believe He makes all things work together for our good. But where’s the script? I know I’m being silly in wanting these things but I know I can’t be alone in wanting to know am I on the road He wants me on? Have I strayed from His path and not known it? I want to please the Lord but have insecurities where there should be none. His grace is sufficient and there should be no “buts”. His way is perfect, I just need to remind myself of that. And if I have strayed He will find a way to lead me back on track. That’s where faith comes in. Faith that God will always be with us and believing and knowing with all your heart that His way is the best way.

Praying hard…

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I’ve not hidden the fact that I am a Christian, that I pray, and that I have been diagnosed with depression.  Sometimes I feel like all three of those things are what define me lately.  I think about our Lord constantly wondering what His plans are, every day praying for direction and guidance.  I pray for Him to take away the depression, just literally take it away and since that’s not happening soon enough for me, I also thank The Lord for placing me in the hands of wonderful professionals who know how to treat me.  I thank Him for the knowledgeable and warm doctor and therapist I am in the care of.  I heard on the radio today, “pray hardest when it’s hardest to pray”.  Wow.  What  a statement.  I felt like this was directly talking to me because when the depression rears its ugly head I find it hardest to pray.  I find it hardest to believe He is with me.  I know in my heart He has not left me and God never will leave me but in those times of “grayness” and confusion I do pray when it’s hardest to pray and sure enough the fog lifts and I again feel secure in the love of my Lord.  And I’m so glad I did pray. Sometimes all I do is praise Him and thank Him for the many blessings He has given me. Many times just doing that; thanking and praising is enough to kick start some serious prayer session and I’m so glad I did that.

I saw my doctor yesterday. I let the depression carry on while I tried to fight it while refusing to call my doctor. Finally I just grew tired. Tired of feeling as if life is just passing me by while I mark off time. God placed this warm, extremely competent and caring physician in my path, I am a fool to not take advantage of that. I learned recently it can take a somewhat long time to recover from depression and trauma. Interesting, in my opinion anyway. I seriously thought I would take some meds, get some therapy and be on my happy way. Wrong. I never in a million years thought I’d still be in this battle. It is a battle and I’m fortunate that God is with me. I pray when it’s hardest to pray and He hears me.