Parenting

20 Years.

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My son turns 20 in a couple of days. That freaks me out a bit. It means that 20 years ago he made me a mom for the very first time. An important milestone.  He was the very first baby I ever took care of without waiting for their own mom to come home; *I* was the mom. No instruction manual…no giving him back. He was mine, all mine. I remember freaking out when Thomas was about a week old or so. Tommy and I were on our way to take Thomas to see Tommy’s grandmother. I was crying and crying that maybe we had Thomas too soon, maybe we made a mistake. Tommy calmly said that it was too late for that don’t you think? Thomas was here. I think I felt very alone when I said that. Tommy made me feel that he was with me that we were in this together and I calmed down.

20 years ago we didn’t have cell phones like we had now. I had gotten Tommy a beeper when I was pregnant with Thomas. I was working as a nurse and Tommy was working at a family owned heating and air conditioning company and out on the road constantly. So he wasn’t easy to get a hold of in an emergency. I had one such “emergency” when I was about 7ish months pregnant. I had pains like right at the top of my uterus/stomach. Since I worked at the hospital I was planning to give birth at the nurse manager sent me right down to Labor and Delivery unit. It was determined that I had “uterine irritability” and they gave me a some IV fluids and sent me home. Tommy was out with friends and I was beeping him “911” with the hospital’s phone number. He came right away.  By the time they sent me home it was 3 am (I worked the over night shift). We went to the bagel store, got some freshly made bagels, went home, made bacon and then went to bed. Funny how you remember somethings to the exact detail.

I gave birth in the hospital and Thomas was perfect, I remember he had these perfect pursed lips and I couldn’t help but kiss them. I had the typical newborn pictures taken while in the hospital. I remember within just a couple of days he didn’t look anything like those pictures. My mother was a huge help. Tommy stayed home a week with me and then went back to work. My mother would come over and help me with breastfeeding (she is a certified Lactation Consultant), fold my laundry, go for walks with me and Thomas in the carriage. I don’t know what I would have done without her. None of my friends had kids/babies. I was one of the youngest nurses on my unit so all my friends at work had older kids, I wasn’t friendly with anyone who had a baby. I was home from work for 4 months. I don’t know what I would have done without my mother and her constant reassuring presence. My dad told me I no longer had an identity I was now “Thomas’ mom” and he was right. To this day when I call Thomas’ school I say this is “Thomas’ mom” and they all know who I am.

20 years. It did go fast.

 

 

 

Graduation Today!

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My Alyssa is graduating high school today. Today. She’s thisclose to turning 18 years old. I don’t wonder where the time went I was there I know how fast it all flew by. It wasn’t always flying by so fast there were days of excruciating slowness but I don’t remember them in detail so much. Much like labor pains those memories fade.

Alyssa is much like an oldest child rather than 2nd born. She was our first girl and our first typical child. I remember her as an infant (such a pretty baby even as a newborn), then toddler. In Pre-K she was the pretty little girl with long curls who clung to her mother’s leg and cried and cried. Grammar school graduation was sweet, Junior high grad was even sweeter. High school years that went so fast I stand in amazement at the woman she’s become in the past 4 years.

I feel incredibly blessed this morning. Blessed that my God has given me the privilege to raise this baby He gifted me with. I sit here holding back proud tears and remember all the times she’s made me proud, all the times she gave me the honor of being her mother. Even the times she made me want to rip my hair out.  In gifting her to me, God gave me the opportunity to parent a very typical, very beautiful, very unique child.

While raising Thomas I often referred to the poem “Welcome to Holland” by Emily Pearl Kingsly:  (http://www.our-kids.org/archives/Holland.html). There were too many times to mention that I mourned the fact that I didn’t sign up to be a special needs mom. That no, I did NOT want to be in Holland. Alyssa gave me the opportunity to visit “Italy”; the typical world, the world I thought I signed up for when I first became a mother. And for that I can never thank her enough. I don’t even know if she’d understand why I would be thanking her.

So I wish my girl all the best this world has to offer. She loves God and she loves me. What more could I ask for?

Graduation and other movings on

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So my Alyssa will be graduating high school next week. Incredible… because as most parents we still remember her when she was a much younger child and the silly, funny things she would do. I’m amazed at how fast time flies by and even more amazed at how not so fast the minutes and hours and days go when waiting for things to happen. Like waiting on the IRS to send us information pertinent to Alyssa receiving her financial aid packet. The time has flown now that we are a week from graduation but time seems to have stood still in regard to the IRS getting our information to us.

The milestones for Alyssa have been nothing less than remarkable. She was stunning at her prom, as were her friends. All the makeup and hair up do’s were simply gorgeous on all of them. Although at that age all the girls could have worn a paper sack dress and still have been beyond beautiful. They went to the beach for the weekend after the prom and from what I can tell it was pretty uneventful. For that I’m so, so thankful.

This past Friday at our church high school youth group meeting they had a special event honoring the graduating seniors. It was great, the youth leader set things up as if he were interviewing each senior on the Tonight Show. Asking them what impacted them the most about youth group, what had their parents taught them that stood out the most, etc… It was really nice and some of them were so funny telling stories that made us all laugh out loud. Afterwards all the seniors were prayed over, it was so moving.

As for the group home placement and Thomas, I guess no news is good news. Tommy and I met with the agency’s nurse and psychologist last week and we liked them both. I’m thinking the last thing for the agency to do is screen Thomas to ensure he is appropriate for their group home. Its the hurry up and wait issue that bugs me. I’m not a good “waiter” for lack of a better word. At the meeting we discussed Thomas returning to the former school he attended before he went to residential. He would stay there a year until he turned 21 and then attend a day/vocational program. I’m thrilled with that plan as Thomas could then “graduate” from that school. Of course a CSE (committee on special education) meeting would have to be held to change Thomas’ placement and I doubt the board of ed will deny moving my son from expensive residential school to less expensive public day school. I just want all the pieces to fall into place…now. But I know things will happen in God’s time and his time is always perfect.

 

The Typical Child.

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Our oldest daughter, Alyssa is graduating high school this June. I’m amazed at how fast time has flown. It literally seems like just yesterday I was seeing her off to pre-school and she was crying for me to not leave her. I can’t help but remember her as a baby and how pretty she was/is. When Alyssa was born we were living in the first house we bought and thought we would live there forever. Two houses and two more kids later…things change.

These days Alyssa is driving (which surprisingly does not freak me out), off working her part time job or babysitting *and* planning for the next phase of her life: College. She’s planning on attending college in Manhattan at a fashion business college right in the heart of midtown. Exactly where she wants to be. I’m excited for her and I know she’s going to do well in college. She did really well in high school keeping up with the demands of the International Baccalaureate program (which is pretty much a super high honors program with the added bonus of earning college credits while in high school). I know I sound like I’m bragging but I can’t help it, we are very proud of her. Especially since she is the first child following Thomas.

When Alyssa was born I was so, so happy to have a typical child. Thomas was only 2 years old when Alyssa was born and his behavior was already off the hook. While Thomas was busy being his special needs self and I was attending to those needs, Alyssa would quietly meet every developmental milestone. To the innocent bystander Alyssa wasn’t doing anything “great”, but in my eyes she was. I noted every single one of those milestones and reveled in them. My mother and I swore it was as if she read a growth and development book and knew what to do next. I thanked God everyday that she was so typical.

So here we are almost 18 years later. Alyssa is still meeting milestones and doing what she’s “supposed” to do. God is still working in her life in a mighty way. We’re still attending to Thomas’ special needs but life isn’t as hectic as it used to be. Alyssa has been able to shine in her own typical way and that to me is fabulous.

People watching and being in the city

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I’m on my way to Manhattan this morning. I’m on the ferry and I’m people watching. I love to people watch, usually the subway has more interesting people to watch mostly because it’s a more diverse population than the morning ferry. On the ferry are mainly people going to work with the occasional college student here and there. The afternoon ferry is interesting because of the number of tourists. I love to tourist watch too.

I was in the city yesterday for work and I still can’t believe the location I’m at. Literally right across from the Empire State Building. It’s amazing and you never grow tired of craning your neck to see the top. I love it. I’m in the city today for an appointment with my therapist. I’ve “graduated” to every two weeks as opposed to every week. I’m okay with the new arrangement. Honestly there are weeks that I go and I have literally nothing going on to talk about, I’m just not ready to let it go completely. We discuss my small group bible study and some challenges that have come up. It’s good to have Nancy’s perspective and insight. So I am glad that I still see her.

I received a phone call from Thomas’ social worker yesterday. It seems a couple of agencies are interested in Thomas for group home placement. When Thomas is 21 next year he’ll go to live in a group home, this is the plan. However these agencies represent group homes in the Bronx, Brooklyn and Queens. Umm….No. We want him here where we live. And thank God his social worker feels the same way. She’s in complete agreement with us and already told me she will also advocate for Thomas to be placed here where we live. So I’m praying for there to be a space available when the time comes.

Tommy and I will pick up Thomas on Friday morning so he can spend Easter with us. I’m looking forward to seeing him. We speak often on the phone but it’s not the same. He’s really looking forward to coming home so I’m hoping it all goes smooth and anxiety free for him and us.

Happy Easter!

Birthdays and Being an Adult.

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I have a birthday quickly approaching in a little over 2 weeks. It’s not a momentous or milestone birthday, I’ll be 46. And for the record I’m okay with that. I say that now. I don’t know how I’ll feel staring at the big 5-0. I don’t feel 46 years old, although I’m not sure what 46 years old is supposed to feel like. I don’t know what any age is supposed to feel like I can only reflect on what I felt like at certain ages through the years.

Sometimes I’m amused when I’m making dinner thinking of how “adult” I am. Like here I am married, raising kids, running a household; how adult it all is. And when did that happen? Being an “adult”. Legally I know when I turned 18 I was an adult. The only thing I really remember being at 18 is feeling free. I was about to graduate high school, had a great boyfriend, a part time job and I was driving and had my own car. Life was sweet. No “adult” responsibilities in sight. So I can hardly say I personally was an adult at age 18. Nor did I act very adult, IMO anyway.

I think the defining moment in my life was when I was 24. I graduated college as a nurse and finally for the first time had a “real” job, making real money. However I was still living at home. When I did move out I remember feeling so grown up and responsible. Paying for our own wedding and getting married was another grown up step then quickly becoming parents to Thomas with all his issues was a great kick in the old adult pants.

So I guess for me being an adult was a process of steps, I was fortunate that I didn’t have adulthood thrust upon me at an early age. When I look back it was God’s plan for me to take all those steps to finally get to the point where I was prepared to be Thomas’ mother. I was never known to keep my opinion to myself, but advocating for my baby and being bold to respected medical professionals wasn’t something I was well versed in but I had to learn quick and I did.

I look at my oldest daughter about to legally become an adult this summer. Her 18th birthday is shortly after she graduates high school. I know I won’t see her as an adult even though she’s very responsible and like me at that age she is driving her own car, has a great boyfriend and a part time job. I’ll ask her if she feels like an adult. I look forward to her answer.

A new living room

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We recently purchased new living room furniture. It marks a milestone for us, meaning Tommy and me. We’re taking back our house. No longer are we tripping over toys or watching the same children’s television programs over and over and over. The living room is ours again and it feels good.

Before the new furniture we had a sectional couch which was great it was big and comfy. We bought that shortly after Samantha was born so around 8 years ago-ish. Between Samantha growing up on that couch literally and the 3 cats and 2 dogs, well it had seen better days. So in between talking about renovating this house to an open concept lay out and moving the sectional around along with re positioning the television we discussed “looking” at new furniture. Ha! So much for looking. We were hooked pretty much a half hour into “looking”. The salesman was awesome and recommended we return to buy in a few days to take advantage of a new sale that was to be going on.

We did return and looked around some more. It’s funny because I find that my husband and I have similar taste. It wasn’t always like this. I used to adore a shabby chic, antique-y style. Tommy was more modern/classic. I guess I’ve changed because Tommy still likes the classic/modern style and I do too, but more classic/traditional. I don’t think I’ll ever prefer a modern style. Besides this house was built in 1935, I don’t think it can handle “modern” without looking out of place.

So anyway the new sofa, love seat, coffee table, end tables, lamps and entertainment center/electric fireplace arrived this past Wednesday. I can’t get over it. It’s been forever that we’ve had a coffee table as odd as that sounds. With the sectional sofa we had a chaise lounge so there really wasn’t any room for a table. We’re almost giddy with the normalcy of having living room tables again. I’ve promptly bought candles to place on the coffee table. It’s been forever it seems since I’ve been able to have things on a coffee table without worrying about something being broken or unsafe.

We’re enjoying our re-claimed space. I dream of reclaiming my bathroom someday.

Signing papers

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I received a packet of papers from Thomas’ school via the US mail today. There were various consents forms I have to sign every year giving my permission for Thomas to receive various medications and treatments as needed. It struck me today that I’ll always have to sign for him. Tommy and I are his official legal guardians. (Side note: no one bat an eye when we took that baby home from the hospital without any sort of training or guidebook, but good gravy we were finger printed and background checked to be his guardians after the age of 18…) Tommy or I will always have to give consent for Thomas for one thing or another, or…will have to advocate against a situation or two hopefully not in the near future.

Alyssa is looking at colleges. She’s 17 years old and by the time she goes away to the college of her choice she’ll be a legal adult. The cord will be cut and it will be final. I’ll have no legal leg to stand on if I disagree with her decisions. It’s such an odd comparison between Thomas and Alyssa. When they were small the chasm between them was not that wide. I mean we knew Thomas had issues and that there was something wrong with him we just didn’t know what and had little to no help in finding out what that was at that time in our life.  To go from remembering them both as young preschooler and toddler to now acknowledging the adulthood of both of them. One on one end of adulthood and the other on another end of adulthood is a little hard to digest some days.

It started this afternoon when the mail arrived and I realized what Thomas’ school had sent me. I filled out the blanks and signed where I was supposed to sign. I called the nurses to question a medication change but all in all it was pretty uneventful except for the tug on my emotions that this is something Tommy or I will always have to do. Approve or disapprove decisions for Thomas.

Not soon after dinner Alyssa was talking to me about colleges and dorming (she is determined to dorm and that’s ok). I enjoyed our conversation. She’s worried about the financial aspects of certain colleges and we discussed that and other fears she has surrounding getting accepted to certain schools. I wanted to tell her to keep praying on it but I was interrupted by Samantha.  I will tell her tonight to keep praying to God about the colleges. To give it to Him. He will make a way when there is no other.

I have an interesting spectrum and definitions of adulthood here in my little family.

My son and the Beach

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Thomas has been in the residential school now for just over 3 years. I was thinking back to when he was living at home. He was only able to live at home for about 3 and a half years between the first residential school (from ages 8-12) and the second (ages 12-16). It was nice having him home for that time. His meds were stable, Thomas himself was stable. We were able to do things like a “normal’ family. Even go on vacation and/or to the beach.

At the beach Thomas loved to look for shells, he did not like the water at all. In fact at one outing to a beach in NJ with my best friend and her daughters I actually lost Thomas. He took off without me looking for sea shells and when I looked around for him he was no where to be found. I felt the panic rising up. My best friend helped me look but all we saw was a sea of beach goers and not a sign of Thomas. I knew he didn’t go in the water but where the hell was he?  Every story I ever heard of people hurting those with special needs ran through my head. And I felt sick. I wanted to throw up. I couldn’t imagine how I was going to tell my husband that I lost our son. I figured I couldn’t go home and I would camp out at the beach until I found him. Eventually I grabbed hold of a life guard and explained the situation. They radioed down the beach and it just so happened another lifeguard had happened upon Thomas thinking he was lost. The lifeguards radioed to each other I was told to walk down the beach to a certain station and they had Thomas. As I was walking/running down the beach I saw Thomas walking with a very attractive and fit female lifeguard. His face lit up when he saw me, it was all I could do not to cry. I took custody of him and as we started waking back to where our things were, I teased him saying he wanted to hang out with the “pretty lifeguard” he smiled and then said, “Mooooom! You left me!” I laughed and told him I didn’t leave him; he left us by looking for shells. It really didn’t matter at that point, I was just glad to have him back.

With Thomas the way he is now I don’t see us going to the beach without extra help meaning one person just for him to watch him and keep him occupied. That is if we could even get him to the beach. Towards the end of Thomas living at home vacations with him were not fun. After changing meds because of a sharp decrease in his white blood cells, Thomas was not as stable as he was in the past. His behavior had changed and he became very stubborn. Even refusing to get out of the car when we arrived at the beach. When we did manage to get him out of the car he refused to even look for sea shells and he refused to leave the beach chair with umbrella bought especially for him.

I miss walking on the beach with Thomas. Trying to bribe him with a dollar or two or five to get his feet wet. The answer was always, “No” but with a smile. He has a great smile.

I’m Glad…

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I’m sitting on my front steps thinking of how glad I am to be here. Glad to have a new tattoo, glad to not be depressed and glad to have a new job opportunity. A year ago these things were very different. I wasn’t interested in much other than the way I was feeling which wasn’t that great. Last year I wrote about Thomas turning 18 and how I was job searching. Little did I know back then that in 2 to 3 short months I would be hired by my current employer.

I’m glad to be past the baby stage with my kids. Samantha, our youngest is turning 9 years old soon and I’m blown away at how fast time passes. Our oldest daughter is turning 17 this weekend and will start driving. I’m glad I’m here to see that milestone.

I’m glad I have a husband who loves and supports me. In my darkest times it was his support that held me up. I don’t think he knows how much that meant to me.

I’m glad to have a relationship with God. I don’t know where I’d be without Him in my life. He is an awesome God and I wish more people knew Him and knew the Gospel. That the Lord God gave his only son so that we would be reconciled with Him. An incredible gift and all we have to do is invite Jesus in to our hearts to receive this gift.

I’m glad.