Prayer

Direction

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I’ve mentioned before that I have been praying for direction. I want The Lord to guide my steps and lead me. So far it’s produced a feeling of calmness. Not serenity but just calm because I know that He is in charge and I have faith in God.

I’ve also been praying for more hours at work. So far that prayer had been answered, praise God! My boss is opening her own office in Manhattan so she’ll no longer be leasing space from another doctor. I’m excited for her and for me 😀. The plan is to gradually increase the hours and/or days as long as there are customers. So I could potentially be looking at another day or two in the future and I’m totally okay with that. It really is an answered prayer. For years I prayed for the “right” job to come along and here I was presented with this one which was extremely part time only a few hours a week. When I would get discouraged my husband would be encouraging saying its ok you haven’t worked in a while this is good to get your feet wet. And he was right. I know I wasn’t ready to commit to more.  Now after praying about it; time has passed and things have changed and more hours have been offered. God is good.

On the bible study front things are moving along. I’ll be glad when arraignments are done and set in stone and we are ready to get started. This isn’t to rush anything I’m just eager to feel more settled and begin.

God is so good.

 

Prayer and My Son

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Before Thomas went to residential school he used to attend church with us. There was even a class for special needs kids during the service, sort of a Sunday school type. That was awesome as Tommy and I could attend church worry free and I felt assured that he was getting some sort of lesson about the Gospel in a way he could understand. Back then I would often ask him if he knew that Jesus loved him and Thomas would answer, “Yes”.

This past Christmas when Thomas was home he told me that some of the staff pray with him and he kept saying “Jesus” over and over. I asked him if the particular staff members pray to Jesus with him and Thomas said yes. This really touched me because its a rare occurrence for Thomas to attend church with us anymore. If he’s home for the weekend Tommy takes him back early Sunday morning to avoid the traffic.

It makes my heart sing that the staff at his school will pray with him. Not only do they take care of his physical and emotional needs in a way that I could not they are also taking care of his spiritual needs. I still ask Thomas is he knows that Jesus loves him and he still answers yes. That makes me smile. My son with his limited capabilities knows our Lord loves him.

Before I was saved I used to worry that because Thomas is special needs and he wouldn’t be able to be confirmed and receive communion (in the Episcopal church I grew up in and used to attend you were confirmed and received  first communion at the same time at age 12).

I don’t doubt that my son is saved. I know our Lord and Savior love him and have placed staff members in his path that love the Lord and are willing to share that love.

 

A New Small Group in town…

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So the Christmas tree is up and shopping is underway.  I’ve gotten more shopping done than I usually do at this time of year and I’m glad to be a little ahead of schedule. I’m due to start a bible study/small group for mothers of children with special needs with another mom in January. I’ve already identified a book; a bible study for Mom’s of special needs children; I think would be a good fit. I still have to finish it myself so I’m not entirely sure yet. Plus I don’t have input from my co-leader yet. In due time I’m sure it will all fall into place. Or rather in the Lord’s time it will fall into place.

I’m excited to about to be a small group co-leader. To be able to share my experience of raising Thomas and how God has been there through the good the bad and the ugly. Yes God was there when times were horrible as well as when times were good. And it was only through His strength did I gain strength. I was even angry at God on more than one occasion.  I know He was still there and never left us. I know that’s why I was so angry. To know God was there and things were still so crappy. I only got over the anger when I actually met the Lord. And it was then that I really knew in my soul that He was there did my anger dissipate.

I’m excited to have fellowship with other Moms and talk about the Gospel. And how Jesus is still working miracles in our lives and will continue to always be there working and interceding for us. I know I sound optimistic. I am optimistic. We have a wonderful mentor in place who will be there for us in person and in prayer. That makes me feel more secure and confidant in this new role.  I have this month to prepare and pray and prepare some more and then of course pray even more. I’m honored to be used by God in this way. To God be the glory.

 

 

 

Special Needs and Grace

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I reread a book recently that I had read a few years ago. The name of the book is “Wrestling With an Angel” by Greg Lucas. It’s written by a father who’s son is special needs/disabled and how God’s grace is shown to him through his son, Jake. The book touched me in a profound way. And through it I’ve recognized God’s grace in my own special needs child.

Greg Lucas’ examples taught me to see God’s grace where you least expect it. There is one instance where Greg is giving his son a bath and for a few minutes his son completely relaxes in the water with his eyes closed, no anxiety or stress and he’s given a glimpse of what his son would look like if he were a typical young man. That is grace, a gift from God. I’ve had a similar experience with Thomas. I had a dream that Alyssa and Thomas and I were talking together in the front sun porch of our house. Thomas was a completely “normal” or typical teenager. I woke up from that dream feeling odd and I wasn’t sure how to process it. I remembered what I had read in “Wrestling With an Angel” and  I realized the dream was a gift. That one day when we’re all in heaven together Thomas will speak to me as a typical child, one with no disabilities such as speech impairment or mental retardation.  He’ll be able to tell me everything he isn’t able to tell me on a regular day.

Greg Lucas also tells of his testimony of being led to the Lord by his son. Jake was 2 years old and suffered from terrible, constant seizures. One evening Greg completely surrenders to the Lord. He cried out to God and begged Him to take over, not just Jake’s illness but his entire life. That touched me because my son led me to the Lord.

When I returned to church and was saved, when I gave my life to Jesus; my life was “fine”. Thomas was living home and doing well. We had many supports in place and Thomas had recreation programs that he thoroughly enjoyed. The girls were also doing well. I met the Lord however because of my son. Thomas was in and out of the psychiatric hospital. I was so angry with God. Why? Why? I would ask and I didn’t receive an answer that was suitable. It was only when a friend (thank you Toni!) suggested I listen to “Praise You In This Storm” by Casting Crowns did I finally break down and realize Jesus was for me not against me. That He did indeed hold every tear I cried. It was at that moment God showed me His grace and my anger dissipated.

There are many more ways that God has shown Himself to me through my son. People who have come into my life who otherwise would not. Situations that would never have come about if not for the Lord. And I owe Greg Lucas’ book for showing me how God’s grace is manifested in my son.

 

 

Signing papers

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I received a packet of papers from Thomas’ school via the US mail today. There were various consents forms I have to sign every year giving my permission for Thomas to receive various medications and treatments as needed. It struck me today that I’ll always have to sign for him. Tommy and I are his official legal guardians. (Side note: no one bat an eye when we took that baby home from the hospital without any sort of training or guidebook, but good gravy we were finger printed and background checked to be his guardians after the age of 18…) Tommy or I will always have to give consent for Thomas for one thing or another, or…will have to advocate against a situation or two hopefully not in the near future.

Alyssa is looking at colleges. She’s 17 years old and by the time she goes away to the college of her choice she’ll be a legal adult. The cord will be cut and it will be final. I’ll have no legal leg to stand on if I disagree with her decisions. It’s such an odd comparison between Thomas and Alyssa. When they were small the chasm between them was not that wide. I mean we knew Thomas had issues and that there was something wrong with him we just didn’t know what and had little to no help in finding out what that was at that time in our life.  To go from remembering them both as young preschooler and toddler to now acknowledging the adulthood of both of them. One on one end of adulthood and the other on another end of adulthood is a little hard to digest some days.

It started this afternoon when the mail arrived and I realized what Thomas’ school had sent me. I filled out the blanks and signed where I was supposed to sign. I called the nurses to question a medication change but all in all it was pretty uneventful except for the tug on my emotions that this is something Tommy or I will always have to do. Approve or disapprove decisions for Thomas.

Not soon after dinner Alyssa was talking to me about colleges and dorming (she is determined to dorm and that’s ok). I enjoyed our conversation. She’s worried about the financial aspects of certain colleges and we discussed that and other fears she has surrounding getting accepted to certain schools. I wanted to tell her to keep praying on it but I was interrupted by Samantha.  I will tell her tonight to keep praying to God about the colleges. To give it to Him. He will make a way when there is no other.

I have an interesting spectrum and definitions of adulthood here in my little family.

Oh Praise Him

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I woke up with this song running through my head. The lyrics are quite simple, telling us to praise Him…” all this for our King… He is Christ our King…” I think of how easy it is to praise Him when things are going good or “smooth” as I like to think. It’s when trials come that we are faced with the anger, sometimes feeling as though we’ve been betrayed by our Lord. I keep in mind our Lords Prayer and how we pray, “Thy will be done”.  We are actually praying for His will, His plan to be displayed not ours.  When I think of the lyrics to this song, “How constant, how divine, this song of ours will rise…” I am reminded of how constant His love is for us. How divine and beautiful that love is. It never fails. His love is infinite. He is holy.

I often think of people who question why do bad things happen if there is such a loving God? Why does God allow such evil things. I was asking those same questions when I had my first miscarriage. Why did God even allow me to become pregnant when He was only going to take it away? I had no answers then and I have no answers now. I do know that when I was finally pregnant and I didn’t miscarry I was blessed with a doctor who treated me like glass. I wouldn’t have had that kind of treatment from my care provider with my first 2 pregnancies that ended is miscarriages. This new to me doctor was truly sent from above. And if I never had the miscarriages I never would have met him and I certainly wouldn’t have my Samantha. Don’t get me wrong I was very angry with God at that time in my life. However His will was done and even though I thought I could never get through that painful time I did, but not without His help. I did eventually praise Him again and asked in prayer for Him to protect the growing child within me.

I’m sure we all go through a season where we aren’t praising Him. And we’re even angry with him for the “No” answers to prayer. Where we feel abandoned by our God. We need to hold on to His promise that He will never leave or forsake us. And even sing a song here and there that reminds us that He is holy.

Getting knocked down

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I went to bible study last night and was struck by a conversation surrounding how the enemy likes to strike us down, we then question “why me God?” And wonder why He even chose us to follow Him.

I started going back to church and accepted Christ as my savior when things were going well in my life. Thomas was living at home we had a wonderful counselor for him who came to the house to work on various goals such as going to the stores and paying for items, etc… She easily became part of our family. Life was really good.

Fast forward a year or so and Thomas was having potentially dangerous side effects to one of his medications. We
had to change his meds and it was disastrous. He became aggressive towards me and I was forced to call an ambulance more than once to preserve my safety and Thomas was hospitalized many times. I felt like my world was falling apart. This was
also when the depression started settling in. I remember feeling far from God. That he moved away from me. I even had a dream that I was praying and I had a big glass dome over me and my prayers couldn’t get past the glass to reach God.

At no time did I stop believing or blame God. I did become angry at him but I did not feel forsaken, just separate and broken.

I find it so interesting that He chose me to return to Him and accept Christ during a “good” season in my life and then the storms hit. I kept praying even though I felt so far away. One particular storm lasted for years (the depression).

During this season of my life things are nice. Not stress free but calm. I know He has great plans that have yet to be revealed. And even though I had a season of feeling separate from Him, God never left me.

Blessings

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I have this song running through my head this morning, Blessings by Laura Story. Yesterday my husband and I were talking to a neighbor who also has a special needs daughter. Many of you know about our Thomas who is also special needs. We’ve been through many, many trials with Thomas. And everytime I hear this song I think of him. What if our greatest trial is God’s blessing in disguise?

Anyway, when we were speaking with our neighbor she mentioned that she often wonders what her daughter would have been like had things been different. My husband replied that he often thinks the same thing about Thomas. I do think that also about Thomas. The big “what if?”  What if he’d been born “normal”?. What if? It almost makes you loathe the word, “if”. That word can hold so much. Thomas is one of the greatest achings of my life. It still pains me that he cannot live at home. I know my husband feels the same. I love Thomas for who he is now, not what he could have been. Thomas being the way he is changed me as a mother. And if I were to be able to change him to a “normal” person, would I then have to change myself to how I was before he was in my life?

I honestly don’t dwell on the what ifs because it is pointless. I tend to focus on the present and future which can hold enough worry all by themselves.  But this song speaks so perfectly to my heart. Especially when she sings, “This is not our home…”  No, this is not our home. I often wonder if when I do meet our Lord will I ask Him questions about my earthly life. Thomas being in the forefront of those queries. Why were we chosen to be his parents? Why did God make things so challenging? Why the heartache? Or will I even care at that point? What I do believe is that when Thomas meets the Lord and joins us, I believe he will tell us himself. It will be glorious to hear my son talk clearly and coherently. I was given a glimpse of this in a dream I had a couple of years ago. Thomas was just a typical teen and him, Alyssa and I were just sitting in our front sun porch talking to one another. I have no idea what we were talking about I just remember Thomas being “normal”. I know when we’re all in heaven together we’ll all talk again. God gave me a preview.

His Presence

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God’s presence in our lives is so important. It’s something you don’t realize you have until you feel it is missing. His presence is real and it is powerful. I feel so blessed to have our Lord’s presence in my life.

When I was depressed I missed God’s presence. The depression makes you feel alone and forgotten. I still prayed and believed don’t get me wrong I probably prayed more when I was depressed than I do when I’m not depressed. Or rather I pray differently. These days I pray more in praise of His greatness than for healing. It makes sense now that I’m in a different place.

Today our Pastor preached about “Jars of clay” and how that is what we are as Christians. But we contain a treasure which is the Gospel. I loved it. To know that we carry such a powerful message and it is our charge to spread that message. That Jesus poured himself out and died for us. Sinners. This message is one that we should not contain yet we do.  I do anyway. I don’t see myself as a minister even though that is what I am according to my Pastor. I worry that when presented with a situation to spread the Gospel I will fail. I will fail the Lord and Savior I worship. My only calming thought is that the Holy Spirit will not fail me and carry me and my words to exactly who and where they’re supposed to be. I wish for boldness in spreading the Gospel.

His presence surrounds us and I never forget His promise that He will never leave or forsake us. Those truths are what keep me centered and focused.  We serve a mighty and wonderful God.

Prayers and Anxiety

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Anxiety, it stinks or more accurately it sucks. Plain and simple. It sucks to be worried about “things” all the time. Afraid that if you don’t worry that something even more terrible will happen. That’s how my mind works anyway. So I tend to pray more when anxious. Pray for God to take the anxiety away, pray for whatever I’m worried about to NOT actually happen and then pray again for Him to alleviate my anxiety. I have to say sometimes prayer actually works. IME anyway He does take the anxiety down a notch. I know He does. I wish I could lay it all on The Lord so that I have no anxieties the way it says to do in the bible:

1 Peter 5:6-7English Standard Version (ESV)

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

That’s the verse. The verse that really says it all to an anxious person. Now to actually apply it. That’s the tough part. There are times I feel the anxiety is simply a part of who I am as a person. I’ve learned some techniques for managing it but nothing really makes it go away. I should learn from my own past as the times that I have been able to cast my anxieties on Him; The Lord has not let me down. He truly answered my prayers. Those are the times where I’ve been exhausted by the anxiety and felt I had no where left to turn except to the Lord. I want to be in a place to cast my anxieties on him before I’m exhausted. I need to remember that He will never leave or forsake me.