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Wandering

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My thoughts that is, they’re wandering as most of us would probably admit to.  I wander mostly to what life would be like if I worked a full time job outside the house.  Would things be that hectic?  Would it alleviate my boredom?  Hard to say and/or predict.  Don’t get me wrong I’m thankful my husband has been able to provide for us that I have been able to stay home but dang man, this staying at home mom thing seems to get more difficult as the kids get older.  In my personal experience, I find that I’m taken for granted.  My girls *know* when I’m home and that they can call to come home from school (this past time my daughter was NOT all that ill that she had to come home, I only discovered this only after I picked her up).  Another daughter asked to be picked up because she was not feeling well but well enough to attend some classes but not well enough to take the bus home~again information I discovered after I did the driving and  picking up of said daughter. 

I know my husband appreciates me as I appreciate him.  I don’t want either one of us to take each other for granted and so far we’ve been “ok” in that category.  My kids on the other hand…after last weeks picking up – a- pa-looza.  I made the decision that just because I am “home” doesn’t mean I have to pick everyone up just because they want me to.  I think when you stay at home long enough you start to feel “well that’s what I’m here for”, but honestly no it’s not.  I’m here at this time in everyone’s life to ensure the house runs smoothly, not to pick up kids that aren’t even sick (like really sick you all know what I mean). 

So as a result of being taken for granted my thoughts wander. Wander about working full time, part time, any time that wouldn’t take away from when I have to be here. Not an easy schedule to work around but those are my requirements. I won’t make excuses for why I’m still home. Things with Thomas kept me here at this station longer than I thought I would be.

So now my thoughts wander and I wonder what’s next?

Prayer meeting

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I attended my first prayer meeting ever at my church this past Friday night.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to go at first but I swear the Holy Spirit works through my children as it was my oldest daughter who encouraged me to go.  I arrived a few minutes early and was fortunate enough to find parking.  This next part was odd.  When I was walking up the stairs to enter the church I swear I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach telling me to leave.  Like a feeling of dread.  That I shouldn’t go.  I wasn’t apprehensive about going, I had made up my mind earlier in the day while emailing my friend about the meeting.  We were to meet there.  I never had a feeling like that before and it made me very uneasy.  I still continued on and entered the church.  The minute I did that the feeling left as soon as it came on.  Say what you will but I believe the enemy exists and I believe it was him trying to discourage me from attending the prayer meeting. 

I had the pleasure of sitting with 3 other strong Christian women along with my friend (who is also a strong Christian as well as a wonderful friend).  I feel blessed to have been surrounded by such women.  The prayer meeting was powerful.  Powerful.  We prayed for ourselves.  The elders and Pastors anointed those who were ill with oil and they were prayed over.   We prayed for people sitting next to us, we prayed for our youth and their parents, we prayed for our children and the children’s ministry and the children’s ministry leaders.  We prayed for our Pastor and his family.  It lasted over 2 hours and people were still praying and the Pastor invited everyone who wanted to stay that they were welcome. I left after being prayed over at the alter. It was amazing.

The people leading us in prayer were so eloquent and moved by the Spirit. Their words were perfect and inspiring to the soul. I wish I could pray out loud and so be Spirit led. I’m more of a stoic/quiet pray-er. I know God hears me. I believe it is quite the gift to be able to pray out loud for a group of people, many of whom you don’t know personally. And I believe it’s even more of a gift when your words touch the very heart and soul of someone listening. It’s the gift of the Spirit leading you to relay a much needed message to someone you don’t even know.

Prayer is so powerful.

I’m not going to be dropped on my head.

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I read on a friend’s facebook post today, “God didn’t bring you this far to drop you on your head”.  That statement made me literally stop in my tracks.  The post was not directed towards me but rather a friend of this friend but in my heart I know I was meant to see that.  How could anymore be more true right now, to me anyway.  I’ve been having a hard time lately trying endlessly it seems to figure out what exactly I’m here for.  This being a SAHM gig is getting stale to me and I feel the need to *do* something but what that something is?  I’ve been wondering have I been forgotten by God? Maybe he’s forgotten about his plan for me?  A silly thought yes I know.  Then after reading my friend’s facebook post I realized that God hasn’t forgotten me, he’s brought me this far hasn’t he?  Why would he then drop me on my head?  He wouldn’t.  His love is far greater than that.

It never ceases to amaze me how great and awesome our God is. He’ll accept our anger and still cover us with His grace, He’ll always be sovereign even though we accuse Him of being unfair. He is and always will be our God and I give thanks to Him that He will never drop me on my head after bringing me as far as he has brought me. To His glory may all things point. He will never leave us or forsake us. I need to write these things down as a reminder to myself and maybe someone else needs to read it as well.

I will continue to pray and praise Him even in the darkness He will shine His light and I know that He is near.

Acclimated

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Acclimated that is what my son has become to his school.  Or should I say his “home” now.  It’s odd to think of your child calling somewhere other than your home *their* home.  I’m not complaining and surprisingly not upset about it.  But my son is most likely more comfortable at his school/home than here where his family lives.  I noticed this past week that when Thomas is asking to come here, he doesn’t ask to “come home” he asks for “a visit”.  I respond in the way he asks, that yes he can have a visit.  I notice I don’t say he’s “coming home” either. 

So this is probably item number 856 of things you should know as a parent of a special needs child who needs residential placement.  Some days I wish I journaled the first time Thomas was in residential.  There are many instances that stand out bright and unmistakable but I wonder what didn’t make it in the memory banks.  I know we felt very empty when he went the first time.  This time it wasn’t emptiness.  Relief was there as well as disbelief and I know I was glad to be able to feel safe in my own home and know Thomas was in a safe place as well.  The first time he was so young but back then I wasn’t worried about his age as much as his behavior.  We just wanted him “fixed”, make him well that he can come home again.  And they did. 

This time, residential is not to fix Thomas it’s permanent, we cannot provide for him in our home.  He isn’t safe to live here anymore.  Heavy huh?  Again, I’m ok with this.  I don’t like it, not one bit.  I’m still his mother.  But things are what they are. 

So I guess one could say we are acclimated to Thomas in residential too.  We’ve made our home very comfortable for “us” who live here at this home. We’ve shifted and adjusted and have become acclimated to one of our family living elsewhere.  Almost dare I say “normal”?  Or whatever normal is.  One of my favorite people used to say, “Normal is just a setting on a dryer” and I would laugh.  But it’s true. 

 

People watching and a visit.

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This past Friday morning I drove to Thomas’ school to pick him up for a visit . While I was waiting for him in this area that resembles a living room, there was a group of people visiting the school.  4 people.  Of course the people watcher in me was intrigued.  There were a mom and a dad, a social worker (she mentioned she was an MSW) and another male figure who gave no inclination as to who he was in relation to the parents.  I get so nosey when I see parents doing what Tommy and I did but these people have “back up”.  You see every time we had to hospitalize Thomas or visit residential schools we did it alone.  Just Tommy and I.  No social workers, no case managers visiting to give their input or questions that may have been helpful.  Actually just to have another shoulder to lean on may have been nice.  But then again I say this now.  In retrospect.  Honestly its funny because Tommy and I never felt “alone” during those times, we were fortunate enough to have each other.  I guess I wonder if the grass is greener having other people involved with you making these decisions.  Or is it more confusing because unless you are that child’s parent you are not as invested as to where that child is placed. 

I shouldn’t say Tommy and I were “alone” as we certainly had The Lord with us, leading us and making His way for the school Thomas were to attend. 

So after my people watching incident, Thomas was brought to me and we were on our merry way home.  The visit went well in the beginning but by the end of Saturday things were starting to crumble.  Not in a horrific way Thank God but in a way that only solidifies our decision for Thomas to attend residential school.  Tommy drove him back Sunday morning.  Later that day, Tommy and I discussed together how do you parent a kid like him?  Since Thomas was a toddler you could give him what ever he wanted and he would still throw something at you or have a fit.  These days you give him what he wants and he almost dismisses it once he obtains whatever it was he wanted and he’s on to the next “thing”.  It’s exhausting.  Not only that but we still realize we cannot leave him alone with me.  There was a part of me that was hoping that would change but it has not.  There was no aggression at this visit but the signs are still there that he will target me for no particular reason. Thomas will also be somewhat defiant and its not easy to reason with a 17 year old “kid” you don’t have the control over you did at say age 10 (not that we had much control over Thomas at that age either).  It’s a bitter pill to swallow about your own child.  This isn’t a pity post.  Its the truth and it’s our life. 

 

This makes me realize how huge God is and how He has given us so much direction and so much wisdom in dealing with our son. I always pray for a hedge of protection for Thomas. Although one could say I could easily pray for protection for me when it comes to Thomas. But I don’t. I pray for protection for him so that whoever is teaching, guiding or working with my son will do so with the wisdom and maturity my son needs. If I can’t be there Dear Lord let there be people who are there that know how to handle him. I know the Holy Spirit is well at work ensuring those things happen.

Patience

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Trust.  We must trust Him.  We have to.  I’m struggling with His timing, wondering when or if things *I* want to happen are really going to happen, am I going the “right” way.  In all honesty I have no business feeling this way.  The Lord has never failed me. Ever. It all really does work out in the most amazing way doesn’t it? At first I thought I was struggling with trust but now I see I’m struggling with patience. Waiting for His plan to play out.

In the past I know patience was never my strong point. I often and still do feel I am in a state of “hurry up and wait” which stinks to tell the truth. That state of being usually leads to frustration and doubt. Both of which are unpleasant emotions.

So I guess this leads to the encouragement of increased prayer. “Pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:17-18). I’m thinking I should pray for increased patience while I hurry up and wait for His plan which no doubt will be perfect and glorious.

Things you don’t realize

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Like most mom’s I can remember just about all of my first child’s everything.  Especially when that first child is not a typical child.  When evaluations and professionals become involved *and* you knew something was wrong to begin with you tend to remember everything.  I remember Thomas didn’t walk until he was 15 months old, yet Alyssa walked right around 13 months.  I’m talking walking independently, steps if you will. 

When Thomas was around 13 years old I think, we were referred to a well known and respected neurologist for a consult.  I trusted the doctor the referral came from so I made the appointment and Tommy and I went all the way uptown NYC, like you can’t get any further uptown, Manhattan.  We even paid out of pocket to see this man.  Somehow Thomas’ history and “packet” was lost and I about lost it crying, I was also upset because Tommy took a day off work for this appointment.  The doctor agreed to see us anyway and I had to give Thomas’ whole history, his past 13 years of milestones, hospitalizations, medications (both trialed and in current use), other specialists verbally.  I could not believe I remembered literally everything. Even the doctor was impressed.  These days I don’t know if I could do it again but then again I don’t “have” to.  All this comes to mind because we have to begin the process of guardianship for our son.  Long story short, it means we will still be Thomas’ guardians even though technically he will be an adult when he turns 18 this year.  We are doing this to protect him so he won’t be a target for any unscrupulous people looking to take advantage of him.  It also is because Thomas will never be able to fully make responsible decisions for himself so Tommy and I will until we decide the state will make those decisions or one of his sisters many years from now.

You don’t think of these things when your special needs child is young.  All you want to do is get through the day or at least get through the hour depending on how your day is going.  I say I don’t miss when my kids were young and I don’t.  However I do miss *my* innocence, my hoping that Thomas was going to get better or we would find the magic combination of meds to contain out of control behaviors.   That very important neurologist put all that hope to rest when he told us Thomas was brain damaged and would never get “better”, nor would he get worse.  But… through it all he’s still my Thomas and still will be when we assume guardianship for him.

It’s been 2 years since Thomas has been hospitalized and we realized he couldn’t continue to live at home anymore. 2 years of adjusting to a new normal, me going on meds and in therapy.  He’ll have been in residential 2 years this coming summer when he turns 18.  These upcoming milestones aren’t the ones we thought we’d be making 18 years ago or 16 years ago when Thomas took those first steps. 

He Hears Us.

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I’ve been taking notes at church lately, I’m afraid I’m going to miss something I think. I used to never take notes, I figured I wouldn’t go back and read them anyway so why bother. Well, I do go back and read them.  I love to re-read what our Pastor said and how it all applies to my life.  Our Pastor has been discussing the importance of prayer, that we must set aside time to be with The Father. But I wonder if we ever feel we have set enough time aside for The Father. Could there always be more time? My answer is yes, but I also believe God knows what is in my heart and he hears me. I guess that sounds defensive. I’m defending why I don’t spend more time in prayer. I wish I had an answer, a true answer.

Our Pastor also said, “Your life is a continuous act of worship. Everything can be lived to the glory of God.” I find that extremely inspiring knowing that all one does can be done to His glory. There is no act too small or unimportant.

I also find myself being more and more thankful for my life and the blessings He has given me, which makes me want to spend more time in prayer to praise and thank Him. I guess it becomes a wonderful cycle eventually: You spend more time in prayer with The Father which leads to more blessings and/or increased appreciation for present blessings which leads to more prayer and praise and thanks.

He hears us.

Time away

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My husband and I recently were able to get away for 3 days this past week.  Nothing over the top, we went to Atlantic City, NJ.  A place not too far away but far enough that we felt “away”.  It was nice.  There I said it, it was nice to be with just my husband and no kids.  Alone.  And do what ever we wanted to, watch whatever we wanted to on television and do whatever we wanted to in the middle of the afternoon with no regards for who was watching who or where “they” were. 

What I find amusing is we chose a place famous for gambling to get away to and neither one of us is a big gambler.  I mean, I like to play around on the slot machines but to be honest I felt a bit angry when I lost.  And then guilty even though it was a relatively small amount of money.  Tommy felt that it was “fun money” to play around with and if I lost it well then it was lost~no big deal.  I suppose his attitude is the right one to have but being in Atlantic City those few days made me realize I am totally *not* a gambler.  I do not want to “lose” money.  We work way to hard to make that money to give it away to a casino. 

We did have a really nice time otherwise.  We ate in the finest restaurants and went shopping a bit.  We walked a lot.  And I mean a lot.  Oh my goodness my husband loves to walk!  I’m not complaining just stating a fact.  We walked the boardwalk quite a bit and it was A-Okay with me.  We walked and explored just about every casino and mall within the casinos.  It was fun because we were together and both wanted to do that. We laughed and talked and then didn’t need to talk. We people watched and oh yes we even sat through a time share sales pitch. Yes we did. No, we didn’t buy the timeshare but it was interesting to learn about what this particular company offered and of course it was sweet to receive the gift card we earned/were promised by sitting through the schpeal.

I’m glad we got away. It really does make you appreciate “home” more when you return. Even things you don’t realize you appreciate. Like showers that aren’t from a “low flow” shower head. I’d had enough of that. And just my house and my bed. I missed my “little” queen sized bed after sleeping on this huge California king. And yes I even missed my kids. I am so glad we were able to go and just be alone, together.

He makes all things work together for our good

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I went to church yesterday as usual but I *almost* didn’t go.  Then when I saw parking was very tight due to all the snow around here, then I figured I wouldn’t go if I couldn’t find a parking space.  The perfect parking space opened up, no kidding.  God was working and so was the enemy.  I believe the enemy works to find ways to keep us from God, like keeping me wrapped up on the computer right before it was time to leave for church and making the parking situation look so much worse than it was.  I won’t say anymore about him. I love how The Lord made way for me to able to worship Him when I had such doubtful thoughts.

When I arrived at church I realized how much I missed being there from the week before.  Then I remembered we (the choir) sang last week.  I cried through some of the worship songs, the words are so powerful and really make you think.  “You make all things work together for my good”, is one lyric that almost made me sit down and made me cry.  Those are such powerful words to believe and I do believe it absolutely.  But when I think of the seasons of pain, Thomas being aggressive to me and then depression I get sad and teary knowing that those are some “things” God has worked together for my good.  How and why I have no idea but I trust Him.

I was on the ferry last week writing in a journal how God plans our every move, our everything for His glory. It’s a wonderful thing to think about. How He orchestrates all of our moves in life even the “small” ones for our good and His glory. Yesterday our Pastor said, “Nothing brings hope like the name of Jesus.” Oh my goodness the truth in that statement is overwhelming. How we pray and want to be like Jesus, to want to follow Him and love Him. And He loves us and His name is what we cling to for hope. Even writing this gets me teary (I’m a bit emotional lately, bear with me) That statement struck such a nerve with me, but in a good way. I think our nerves need to be struck every now and then. Jesus is the name we call out to for hope when we’re in pain. I remember one instance years ago when Thomas was aggressive with me, I literally yelled out, “Jesus!” but not in vain I called out for help. Help for Thomas to stop. When Thomas heard me yell out it stunned him and he stopped for a moment, enough time for me to get my bearings. I needed hope so bad that day and who’s name did I call out? Jesus. He gave me hope he really did. He sent the most caring ambulance workers and police officers to my house that day after I called 911.

I don’t mean to skip down memory lane to painful memories but I can’t help it when I think of The Lord working everything together for my good, because He is in charge and His way will always be better than mine in the long run. One of the most difficult lessons I’ve learned these past couple of years is to *really* trust Him. To honestly and truly put my life in his hands. To know with all my heart that if He hasn’t already planned it, it’s not going to be. So tough to put into practice but so necessary to know.