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He makes all things work together for our good

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I went to church yesterday as usual but I *almost* didn’t go.  Then when I saw parking was very tight due to all the snow around here, then I figured I wouldn’t go if I couldn’t find a parking space.  The perfect parking space opened up, no kidding.  God was working and so was the enemy.  I believe the enemy works to find ways to keep us from God, like keeping me wrapped up on the computer right before it was time to leave for church and making the parking situation look so much worse than it was.  I won’t say anymore about him. I love how The Lord made way for me to able to worship Him when I had such doubtful thoughts.

When I arrived at church I realized how much I missed being there from the week before.  Then I remembered we (the choir) sang last week.  I cried through some of the worship songs, the words are so powerful and really make you think.  “You make all things work together for my good”, is one lyric that almost made me sit down and made me cry.  Those are such powerful words to believe and I do believe it absolutely.  But when I think of the seasons of pain, Thomas being aggressive to me and then depression I get sad and teary knowing that those are some “things” God has worked together for my good.  How and why I have no idea but I trust Him.

I was on the ferry last week writing in a journal how God plans our every move, our everything for His glory. It’s a wonderful thing to think about. How He orchestrates all of our moves in life even the “small” ones for our good and His glory. Yesterday our Pastor said, “Nothing brings hope like the name of Jesus.” Oh my goodness the truth in that statement is overwhelming. How we pray and want to be like Jesus, to want to follow Him and love Him. And He loves us and His name is what we cling to for hope. Even writing this gets me teary (I’m a bit emotional lately, bear with me) That statement struck such a nerve with me, but in a good way. I think our nerves need to be struck every now and then. Jesus is the name we call out to for hope when we’re in pain. I remember one instance years ago when Thomas was aggressive with me, I literally yelled out, “Jesus!” but not in vain I called out for help. Help for Thomas to stop. When Thomas heard me yell out it stunned him and he stopped for a moment, enough time for me to get my bearings. I needed hope so bad that day and who’s name did I call out? Jesus. He gave me hope he really did. He sent the most caring ambulance workers and police officers to my house that day after I called 911.

I don’t mean to skip down memory lane to painful memories but I can’t help it when I think of The Lord working everything together for my good, because He is in charge and His way will always be better than mine in the long run. One of the most difficult lessons I’ve learned these past couple of years is to *really* trust Him. To honestly and truly put my life in his hands. To know with all my heart that if He hasn’t already planned it, it’s not going to be. So tough to put into practice but so necessary to know.

There’s nothing like a big dog.

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riley

Seriously.  And I can say this because I also have a small dog~a toy poodle aptly named Spike.  Our big dog is named Riley, she’s a rescue dog and we  love her so much.  Of course we love our Spike, he’s been here almost 12 years.  When Daniella was a year old, Alyssa  3yrs  and Thomas 5yrs I decided we needed a dog; a small dog though.  I thought I wanted a Yorkie but the ones we say were either sickly looking or hyper beyond belief.  Then…I met Spike.  Oh my goodness he was just the cutest little thing all fluffy and apricot colored fur.  Draw dropping cute no kidding.  And he wasn’t crazy hyper just normal puppy playful.  Spike also trained super easy which I couldn’t believe, almost everything about him was easy. And he never ever nipped at the kids even with them being so young and active.  Spike really is a great dog.

So 11 years later Tommy and I start talking about getting a big dog.  Just “talking”.  You know because Spike, and 3 cats aren’t enough pets…  We talked for a couple of months trying to decide which kind of big dog.  No puppies we had decided.  I had a German Shepherd growing up (the best dog in the world evah but that’s another story), but we were nervous about getting a well behaved one.  Pitbull?  Yes definitely in the running but again we were wary about being able to handle him/her.  Especially since we’d be taking in an adult dog. 

One afternoon I go to Petsmart with Daniella and Samantha to get food for Spike.  There was a rescue group in the back of the store with dogs and cats for adoption.  We saw an adorable Yorkie mix but I knew we already wanted a big dog.  Then we see her.  Riley.  This big golden retriever/golden lab mix missing half of one ear.  Only you didn’t know her ear was missing until you got up close and pet her.  Riley let us pet her, she laid down on the floor of the store so we could keep on petting her.  Meanwhile the rescue foster “mom” was there to answer all our questions.  Jackie was great and just the sweetest.

I text Tommy that we’re at Petsmart and petting a rescue dog.  He texts back, “ok”.  I text: ” I’m filling out an application for her, she’s just the sweetest” and send a picture.  Tommy is like, “…ok…”  Meanwhile I’m  a little nervous.  What am I doing?

Jackie brings Riley to the house for a home visit and Spike and Riley get along so well, it’s unreal.  The cats are wary but what can you expect. We’re ready to tell Jackie to just leave Riley here we don’t want her to go but Jackie isn’t able to because Riley still needs to be micro-chipped. We agree to meet at Petsmart in a couple of days and we’ll take her home from there.

So almost a year later Riley is a part of our family as if she’s been here forever. She is the sweetest dog I’ve ever met. Yes I’m biased but I don’t care ;). When the depression would rear it’s ugly head, Riley was here when everyone else was at work or school. And I would think how she is rescuing me like everyone always says. When Thomas met her and hugged her, Riley just sat there with this adorable look on her face. Spike isn’t the same, he loves us but Riley is unreal in her caring for us. Tommy and I both say we’ve never seen such an affectionate well mannered dog.

I’m so glad I stopped in Petsmart that day.

Sunday~Choir Day

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It’s 6:30 am on a Sunday and the only reason I’m up is because the the choir is singing today at church and I’m in the choir.  I’m not complaining about being up (No, I don’t enjoy waking up this early on a Sunday) but it is what it is.  We are to be at church approx. an hour before the first service for extra practice time.  I don’t even mind the practice as it gives us a chance to say hello/good morning and just be together, in between songs we’ll laugh and joke a bit.  It’s really nice and kind of makes up for the fact that we’re all there so early :).  I’ve mentioned before how much I enjoy being in the choir.  Everyone is really nice and genuine.  There is no phony-ness although I see no reason for that to even exist anyway within our choir.   What I love the most is the fellowship.  I’m probably repeating myself from a previous post but I can’t help it.  To know when you really need prayers that this group of awesome people will pray for you is an incredible feeling.

The only thing I would change right now is the weather.  It’s colder at 7:45 am than 10:15 am which is the time I usually go to church when the choir is not singing.  I have to laugh because when I first joined the choir and I was told what time we had to be there on the Sundays that we sing, someone should have told me what my face looked like.  I say this because inside my head I was like, “Nooooo!!  Oh No…please tell me you’re joking”.  It’s funny though because you do get used to it and to be honest after a while it’s really ok, you just have to get over the initial jolt. I’m not a morning person but as I get older I find mornings can be pretty cool; just don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee.

Oh and the other really cool part about being in the choir is that we get to sing for all 3 services.  I love that as each service has it’s own personality.  When you’re up there you realize this and it makes it all the more special for some reason.  One or two services are more vocal than others, one can be on the “quiet” side, one can start out quiet than really get into the singing.  It’s really sweet to be a part of every service in that way. 

What totally surprised me is that people really do notice you up there.  You might think you’re inconspicuous or hidden behind the microphone or another person but …nope!  You are out there and people see *you*.  At first I thought that might freak me out a bit, but it didn’t and still doesn’t.  Story of God’s sense of humor:  The first Sunday I was singing with the choir I was determined to not be in the first row.  I was very nervous.  I somehow managed to situate myself in the second row and I was feeling good about that for my first Sunday.  Then the choir director asked someone to move to the first row to even us out.  I felt my hand go up and then I heard myself say, “I’ll go”.  What??  Who said that??  I ended up in the first row and you know what it was fine, totally fine.  I was not nervous and I really felt like I was singing in front of my family.  I was.  I was in front of my church family.  God would never let me make him look bad.

Winter

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tree

Winter ~ I’m tired of it just like everyone else.  There’s too much snow and ice here (insert whiney voice).  But, I wouldn’t have it any other way, I have no desire to move anywhere.  Not even down the block.  I like my house and l like this borough I live in.  I adore Manhattan and that we’re so close to it.  Sometimes I find out many people aren’t fans of the ferry but I love it :).  The quantity and quality of people watching on the ferry is beyond compare.

Anyway, getting back to complaining about winter. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I were a cold weather sport person, like skiing or heck even sleigh riding down the various golf courses here. Nope. I loathe being cold, I’d rather be hot than shivering cold. And I’m not just saying that because it’s 23 degrees today. Ok again, I still don’t want to move. I actually enjoy the change of seasons, I find I get bored of the weather being the same all the time and I really dislike it when we have unseasonable weather. Like when it’s oddly warm in January and February. It just feels very wrong. Those months *should* be cold where I live. So we can all complain about how cold we are!

On the plus side of winter, the snow is pretty. Even ice is pretty when you’re not walking or driving on it. The picture above is this little tree my neighbor planted last year. The ice is amazing on this little tree in my opinion. I guess you have to look for things that are pretty to get you through. This past snow storm did leave everything pretty with the snow on bare branches. Most of that is gone now and most of the snow is looking dirty these days. I think that’s when the complaining starts, when things get ugly. Or when things melt then freeze again. Ugh! Feel free to join me in complaining since there is nothing any of us can do about it. The season is the season and soon enough I’ll be complaining about how darn hot it is outside!

Defining moments

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I know we all have these incredible defining moments in our lives. Moments that change you. Whether or not you want to be changed is not a factor. After all is said and done you’re different. So serious huh? But I don’t mean for this to be all that serious. There are plenty of happy defining moments that change us. Change the way we see the world, change the way we see our spouses and children.

I’m terrible at quoting scripture. I can tell you the gist of which quote I want, I’ll even know what book it’s in but those important numbers that follow escape me. A defining moment came out of me needing a quote from the bible. I asked both my girls what quote would fit what was in my heart ~ what I wanted to say using scripture. My 12 year old daughter listened to what was in my heart and BAM, out came the perfect verse. It was personally impressive to witness that. To watch her eyes light up as The Spirit moved her. It was a defining moment for me to see God’s light shining within her. A small blip in time that meant so much.

A “big” defining moment came when we were waiting to hear back from residential schools for Thomas 2 years ago. As I’ve written in past posts, the Board of Ed had forwarded Thomas’ “packet” to various state approved school and weeks had gone by with us not hearing a word from any of them. One afternoon I looked up each school’s phone number and started calling each one asking for the admission’s department. After going for a walk one morning, I arrived home irritated and sweaty. Sweaty from the walk, irritated as depression had already started to get it’s grip on me. The phone rang and I did NOT want to answer, I was not in the mood to talk to anyone. Then I saw on the caller ID it was a school I had called on that afternoon of phone calls. I tell you with all my heart the Holy Spirit made me pick up that phone, just as I know God orchestrated the whole scenario. No other schools returned phone calls after this one. Not one. And I spoke to only 2 others when I started calling. The school who’s phone call I answered is the school Thomas attends now. This was one of many defining moments telling me that God gives us what we *need*. It’s simple actually but so hard to digest especially when there are so many things and not necessarily material things, that we “want”.

If there were 2 things I could “preach” they would be that The Holy Spirit really does move people and that God really does give us what we need. But I’m not a preacher. I can only witness to you what He’s done in my life. Oh, one other thing is that He meets you where you are. I know this to my soul as He’s met me exactly where I was, and when The Lord met me I wasn’t expecting him. I highly doubt He wanted me to know His plan of arrival. And that’s fine. It makes it all the more special and defines me stronger as a believer.

Snow day!

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Snow day.  For me not the kids.  It’s snowing here in NYC and I believe it’s coming down heavier than predicted.  I’ve already shoveled twice and I’m done. I know my husband will accomplish more with the snow blower than I will shoveling over and over. It’s that heavy snow, you know?  Not fun to shovel.  Yesterday it was about 50 degrees (Fahrenheit) here, I had a couple of windows open and today…this.  It is pretty though.  It’s a “quiet” snow, just falling, falling and making the trees look awesome and everything looks so clean.   I walked to pick up Samantha and it was really nice to walk and take in God’s splendor. I know the last snow storms we’ve had I’ve been too busy shoveling and trying to get my car de-iced to enjoy the quiet prettiness.

I think I accomplished a lot though on this snow day of mine.  I got Samantha off to school, arrived home to vacuum and mop the floors, changed sheets, made beds and listed 4 more things on Ebay.  I’m impressed :).  All while coming off one of my meds (per my physician). 

This part totally stinks, my head feels like my brain is shivering from time to time.  It’s an odd unpleasant feeling to tell the truth, but I am glad to reduce meds and I know this will last a couple more days so I’m looking forward to when this is over. The feeling isn’t incapacitating just unpleasant and makes you slow down a bit, take it easy. I have one of the best prayer partners who prayed for me yesterday after church. We are in the choir together and we sat together during service. I was emotional during worship as a result of the med change, crying which I don’t usually do. Patty sat with me after and I told her what I was experiencing and she asked me if I wanted her to pray for me, next thing I know she is saying the most wonderful spirit led prayer and now she has tears. I’m getting tears in my eyes writing this. God is so good, he truly gives you what you *need*. I wish I were able to quote scripture and be more able to express my faith more than I feel able to. But it is what it is right now. I so appreciate and love the Lord for placing the people he has in my life.

So this is my snow day. Tomorrow hopefully the streets will be plowed, my car will be cleaned off and my walkway clear. I don’t have to hope that God will be here because I know with all my heart He will and He will be guiding us and who knows who’s life He will place you in next.  

 

15

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15 years old.  That’s how old my daughter is and the majority of the girls in my car were today. It was after a gymnastics meet (My daughter competed in vault) and I was the ride home for Alyssa and her friends. They laughed and talked and laughed, sang to the radio, and talked more. My gosh it brings me back, how can it not? I really enjoyed being with them and for a while I was a bit envious. I had a great “teen-hood” IMO anyway. I was on the gymnastics team, had a sweet boyfiend (now husband) and awesome friends. The majority of my friends were guys, there were a few close girlfriends but the majority were guys. The guys were great, usually drama free or less drama than most typical girls. I could trust my close guy friends with most conversations and just trust them with *me* and they were the best “brothers” I’ll ever have. Don’t get me wrong there was plenty of teen angst I mean really…didn’t we all have angst? I laugh at that now, but it wasn’t all that funny back in the day.

Anyway back to the car ride, I loved listening to them talk. Talk about themselves, making fun of themselves, poking fun at each other, talking about other people; not in a mean way though. It reminded me of how serious everything was back then and how everything could *not* be serious as well. In a weird way they made me want to go back. But only to go back to the fun, not the angst. The fun of being so young with everything ahead of you. Everything. Only you don’t know it. I never thought I’d enjoy being around teens. It seems like forever that your kids are small and you’re in charge of everything. Then you turn around and they’re “going out”. I’m cool with that I really am it’s just odd and fun to see your kids at an age you can really identify with. I can’t imagine what it’s like when they get much older into adulthood. I know those days will come but right now I’m enjoying watching from the outside and getting thrown back into my own memories~but only the good ones.

Up early

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I’m up before everyone.  I do this fairly often and it’s really nice.  I’m up before the craziness of everyone getting ready for school.  That includes me getting decent hair and face going on.  I take Samantha to school but I’m not one to go in my pajamas.  Except for the barking of my dogs (for whatever reason early mornings are cat chasing time.  Go figure.) it’s really quiet.  Like hear a pin drop quiet.  So cool.  This used to be the quiet I would get at night when everyone was small.  They were all pretty much were in bed by 9pm the latest.  These days …nope.  Everyone seems to be up forever and want to talk.  Meanwhile by 9:30 ish I’m all talked out and I’m ready for the quiet. 

I pick up Thomas tomorrow for a weekend visit.  He’s so looking forward to coming home.  Every phone call these past 2 weeks has included confirmation of the date I’m coming to get him, Feb. 1st and that yes, I promise I’m coming.  Oh and that I spoke to the social worker about said date.  He’s funny but I don’t blame him I’m sure I’d be the same way in his shoes.  I’m impressed with how Thomas speaks to me sometimes.  He actually said, “Mom, you *promise* you’re coming?”  Who knew that he knows the concept of a “promise”?  Not me until he said it. 

I’m off to the city today (another reason I’m up earlier). Earlier this week I was reflecting on how things have changed since I started seeing Nancy.  When I first went to her I was terribly clinically depressed.  I hadn’t started meds yet, actually I was terrified of meds and said I would NOT take them.  That adamant position changed rapidly when I realized that no amount of therapy was going to help that this was more serious than I thought, plus I became more afraid of the depression than the medications.  When I first started seeing Nancy,  I cried through every session and after we were done I’d walk down Broadway on the upper west side for blocks and blocks, many times fighting back tears.  One time and I know this was The Lord’s work, my wonderful friend Jackie called me as I was walking.  I couldn’t believe her timing. I walked and talked and cried down Broadway on the cell phone with her for about who knows how many blocks.  Probably 10.  Until I saw a subway station for my train and decided I was tired of walking. Amazing how I thought I was all along when I wasn’t. I had the Lord with me and then He prompted Jackie to call. I love those perfect timings.

Ok, it’s getting later and I must start the chaos we call mornings. I’m extremely thankful the only one I have to “help” a little is Samantha. She really needs prompting and that’s ok. I’m off!

Leaving it in His Hands

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This past month I’ve written 2 business plans.  Never in my life did I think I’d even write one let alone two.  Since this was self imposed I just buckled down and did the work.  No complaining, little procrastinating even though only one plan had a “deadline”.  One is for a grant application that I feel will be the work of The Lord if I even place in the finals.  Although even if I do say so myself the business plan I wrote for that application is one of my better pieces of work.  That first plan has a template that is specific to their application so in a way it was more inspiring for me to write that one.  The second plan I used a more traditional template and I’m not as confidant in my writing. Funny I didn’t procrastinate writing either one even though it really wasn’t imperative to write the second one, it’s good that I did because it puts my thoughts and plans down on paper.  I’ll find out how organized the second one is in the next few days.  I’ve been in contact with an organization that helps out people who want to start a small business.  They work out of the local college and the man they assigned me too has been awesome.  Oh my goodness.  He has been (IMO anyway) going totally out of his way to help me and believe it or not he lives down the street.  God is good.  Yet another person He has placed in my path. I remember a few years ago, a friend I met through church once said to me “There are no coincidences Menay”. I believe that with all my heart. People are strategically placed in our lives by Him.

Anyway, I’ve been praying about these business plans I’ve written and the future of my business (WWW.Nayaudo.com) and I admit it is all in His hands. That’s not to say I’m *really* not hoping things go the way I would like them too and I’m not working as hard as I can to ensure they do, of course I am. But in the end I know it’s not all up to me and it’s not “fate” it’s God and His plan.

I’ve acquired a body form or mannequin. A wonderful friend accompanied me to Manhattan to get her after I responded to an add on Craigslist. I’m beyond thrilled with “Sophia” the mannequin (I had to name her of course). She makes the clothes look so much more “real” than me taking a picture with say a sweater on a hanger. Now I just need to update my website. I’ve been procrastinating doing that of all things. I didn’t procrastinate writing a business plan but I’ll procrastinate playing with my website, go figure.

Speaking of procrastinating, I didn’t procrastinate the actual writing of the business plan for the grant, I’m procrastinating putting together the whole application and sending it off. Nice huh? I need a good nudge to just get going and finish.

Life

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I remember before I became a mother, before I had kids.  I was good with kids.  I used to teach gymnastics to children of all ages, like 4 yrs to 14yrs ish.  And the kids liked me.  I knew it all too haha!  Like everyone else did before you have that first child that totally rocks your world in ways you could never imagine.  Before I had kids I had all these things my kids were never going to do, see on television, or eat, I think I even continued that ridiculous image up until Thomas was a year old.  Silly. 

To say Thomas rocked my world is an understatement.  I mean we went through the whole newborn adjustment period all new parents go through.  Then at 6 months we had the CT scans, skull x rays, the helmet, Physical therapy, etc…  I seriously wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  But we got through it.  I never would have even for a millisecond thought that would be my life with *my* child.  Never.  I , like many other Mom’s was supposed to have this totally typical child who was all sorts of wonderful and did all sorts of typical things.  I’m sure other Mom’s of special needs feel the same way.  Don’t get me wrong,  I’m not bitter woman, Thomas is who he is and I love him all the same, I just NEVER thought our lives would turn out the way they did.   Sometimes I wonder how we got through it.  Neither one of us were particularly “religious” in the early years, I know I did pray but I didn’t have the relationship with The Lord I have now. 

I remember the person I was before I had Thomas.  I knew it all man, yes I did.  I’m thinking I wasn’t alone in that attitude.  Honestly I wouldn’t have liked to continue on that path, that road of knowing it all.  Thomas broke me down and made me who I am today.  Or should I say The Lord broke me down using my son as an example to me to be different, to grow a different way.  Yes, I think that is a more correct statement. When I suffered from depression there is a part of me that believes The Lord broke me down there as well, that I was maybe getting too cocky, or comfortable perhaps redirection was needed. I don’t know it just feels that way. I’ve learned a lot from the depression, things that would probably have gone un-noticed by me if the road didn’t turn the way it did. I’m NOT saying it was this magical, mystical, exploring time, not at all. It’s just the way I feel and believe.

I know I’m not alone in sitting there wondering where that original vision of life went. I’m sure many lives are complete 360 degrees from where one started. It’s really amazing isn’t it?