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The hurt.

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When I spoke to my son on the phone the other day I didn’t mention that I felt sad afterwards.  Sad that this is his life away from us.  Before we had to take him off the one med that produced stability I had things pretty wrapped up for Thomas.  He was in a great school, awesome recreation programs and on the waiting list for group home placement for when he turned 21.  Thomas was also pleasant to be around.  High maintenance yes but not aggressive and well liked at school and his other programs.  It’s only recently have I realized that my way is not the way things were to go.  As my husband likes to say, “We’re not in charge”.  He’s right.

When I think back to actually admitting Thomas to residential; as his mother I literally gave them my son.  I couldn’t live like that anymore and neither could he. I was still spiraling from depression and everything just felt so hopeless. I realize now that our situation was not hopeless. I did love my son enough to want him to get help even if that meant handing him to other people and admitting I couldn’t do it.

I think what hurt the other day was the cold water reality that “my way” that I worked so hard for wasn’t ever going to happen. It really bothered me and it took a therapy session to unearth that in me. I’ve had time to digest that fact and I’m ok with it. What matters most is that Thomas receives all the supports and help he needs. He also needs his mother. I need to remember that, he’ll always need me here and there just like the girls. Heck I still need my mother.

I wish I had something deep and philosophical to write about the love and courage it took to allow other people to help shape my son’s future. I don’t. I can only say that it stings even hurts sometimes but it will be totally worth it to watch him grow.

IEP meeting

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I spoke to my son tonight.  He called from school.  It was sweet listening to him, mostly because he wants to talk to me. And that means a lot considering all I’ve been through with him. My girls tell me about their day and friends, funny things that happen and I love it. I love that they talk to me but when it’s Thomas…he’s so deliberate in what he wants to say you feel like you don’t want to miss anything. And that he wants to talk to you and tell you about his day or upcoming events, well it’s special.

I had Thomas’ IEP meeting today (Individualized Education Plan) which is goals and therapies his school must work on and provide. This meeting was with the district. It was the most uneventful meeting ever! I already spoke with Thomas’ school last week via teleconference about building on previous goals and new goals for Thomas so the IEP meeting was a but redundant. I was happy it was redundant though. I’ve had way too many IEP meetings with me yelling and crying through the meeting because I didn’t feel heard. In those days I was fighting for my son and at this moment in time I don’t have to fight. I watched a woman younger than me walk in anger down the hall with mention of her attorney. I’ve been there, done that, have the t shirt. Part of me wanted to tell her everything will be ok, but I don’t know that at all. I don’t know her situation but I know exactly how she feels and it’s not a good feeling.

When I sat down with the district representative and a district psychologist I recognized the rep from many IEP meetings of years past. I know I’d been unpleasant to this woman during those meetings. Those meetings were full of tension and uncertainty and mistrust. At one point she asked if I remembered her and I smiled and said yes. She asked if my hair used to be blonde, I laughed and said yes. We chatted quite a bit about my son’s school, how happy we are with his placement and how happy we were with the previous school. I’ve never had such a district IEP meeting, ever! When we were done I thanked them and said it was so nice to have a meeting where I was “relaxed”. I look forward to future meetings of this manner. Praise God!

Being nudged

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I mentioned me thinking of sitting with Christ in my last blog post.  I told my friend John who is the grandfather of my youngest daughter’s best friend.  He listened intently and suggested that maybe I have too much on my mind or something in particular was bothering me and Christ came to comfort me.  I thought that was very nice, but I’m not sure I believe that.  I’m not sure of the “why’s” only God knows.

 On this past Friday there were 4 of us mothers and grandfather chatting after school while the kids played in the school yard. This is common practice for us while the weather is nice. John and I passed each other in picking up our respective children. He said as we passed each other he said, “You know what you told me the other day? I need to talk more about that with you, we need to talk”. I said ok and then we were together with the other Moms.

The conversation was light hearted, out of nowhere and without warning John says to me with a smile, “Aren’t you going to tell them what you told me. Tell them what happened”. I almost froze. I was not prepared for this at all. Then I just started talking and telling about meeting The Lord and that I wasn’t daydreaming that I felt like he met with my soul. I also told them about the joy I felt afterward.

After I was done I felt uneasy. Were they going to think I was crazy? Will they persecute me? Am I ashamed? Am I embarrassed? Then I felt guilt for being concerned with those scenarios. After all that Christ went through to save me I shouldn’t concern myself with what people think. All 4 of us ended up having a very interesting conversation about how we were raised, and our various religious backgrounds, and how it shaped us. John couldn’t stress enough the most important thing is one’s relationship with The Lord. That no one knows what is in another’s heart but God.

Afterwards walking with John I told him the Holy Spirit was surely working with him to get me to speak up. That I was concerned with being bold and him encouraging me to tell my story was God’s way of making me be bold. If John didn’t say anything I never would have said anything. I’m glad he did though. I feel like I’m one step closer to the boldness I wish I had.

Playing it Safe

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I had the pleasure of attending an amazing Hillsong United concert last night.  They were incredible and so full of energy!  Not only was the music great but the “talking” part was wonderful as well as it was all about Jesus, some prayers and some preaching.  No matter, it was all good. 

While thinking about the concert and how open these artists are with their faith I admire them and anyone else who does not play it safe for fear of rejection, persecution, hatred, etc… I like to think I do not play it safe but I don’t believe I’ve ever been in a situation of defending my faith. I’m fortunate to live in this country and I’m free to worship God. I do enjoy declaring that I am a Christian and try to live as one.

I admire my 12 year old daughter. For the past 2 years in middle school she has challenged her science teachers when they teach evolution and/or the “Big Bang theory”. She asks, “What came before that?” And she’ll repeat herself until the teacher doesn’t have any answers left. I admire her tenacity. I don’t know if I would have been so bold at that age.

I guess this boils down to boldness as well which I’ve discussed in a previous post. I don’t want to play it safe. And I’m thinking me writing this blog could be my way of being bold. I’ve written things here that I’ve barely spoken about. I believe with all I am many times what I’ve written was directed by the Holy Spirit as I wouldn’t start out as passionate as I’ve ended. I guess that statement would be a testimony to the work of the Spirit in my life.

I also believe the Holy Spirit immensely enjoys guiding us to do, say or write things that bring Glory to God. Giving us the words to say or actions to perform. I find Him fascinating and I’m so grateful to have seen The Spirit in action first hand. It was the Holy Spirit who directed me to pick up the phone when the one residential school returned my call and actually spoke to me about my son. This is the school he now attends.

To reply to my own thought; To “play it safe” would be denying the Holy Spirit. That’s how I see it anyway. Rebelling against his pushing and prodding to do something or the right words to say or write. What God the Father actually wants you to do as per his will and plan. Many times I wish there were a clear written letter or directions from the Spirit. However it’s been my experience that one just knowswhen The Spirit is at work.

Another meeting

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I had a teleconference meeting yesterday with my son’s school to discuss his progress and goals for the next year.  To start off I am very happy with this school.  They know my son and that by itself goes a long way.  His future goals are pretty much a continuation of last year’s or should I say they are building on last year’s goals.  Right now Thomas “works” at a Goodwill not far from his school, does his laundry with supervision at the laundromat and shops at the supermarket also supervised. His teacher stressed to me that if they are at say the library and Thomas has a question he is directed to ask the librarian, same with the supermarket, etc… I love that they are promoting independence. I know there is no way I could have done these things with him and keep an eye on our youngest and hope Thomas doesn’t get aggressive. I know the school setting is very different than our home setting, they have structure, back up and staff available. I don’t.

After the teleconference I did feel a bit sad that this is our reality. Thomas’ reality. I don’t regret the decision for residential school. His placement alone is testimony to The Lord. As thrilled as I am with Thomas’ progress and placement there’s still that pain there. Sometimes it is more dull than other times. But it’s there. I don’t think it will ever go away.

Speaking of The Lord and meetings I had an experience a week or so ago that left me not knowing what to make of it. I was driving home with the girls and the Christian music station was on the radio. I was listening to the music and thinking how wonderful it must have been to be a disciple of Jesus back then. To have heard Him teach and be witness to His kindness and forgiveness firsthand. To be able sit close and be able to touch Him. I can’t describe how incredible I think that would be. The next thing I knew I had a crystal clear image of me sitting next to Jesus. We were on the ground near boulders in a green field. He was speaking but I don’t know what he was saying, I was intently listening and in awe of Him. Then, I was “back”. I never took my eyes off the road and I wasn’t daydreaming. I felt as if He met with my soul if that is possible. And the joy, the joy I felt was similar to when I met The Lord the first time when I was stopped at a red light.

There is nothing like that joy and I don’t want to forget it. At first I was nervous to share this experience but thinking more, I’m not. It’s my experience and there has to be a reason it hasn’t been revealed yet.

Our Anniversary

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On November 12,1995 two best friends were married.  Today is our wedding anniversary.  Today is the day 18 years ago Tommy and I became Mr. and Mrs.  I don’t mean to sound corny but I am proud of us.  I don’t know what the future will hold but the past 18 years seemed to fly by.  I remember us lying on the beach on our honeymoon saying we should save up to go back to Hawaii on our 10th anniversary.  10 years seemed so very far away.  We had no idea Thomas would be who he is nor did we have a clue we would have had 4 children.  Thomas was born that following July.

Speaking matter of fact, I’d have to say Thomas was our greatest challenge during our marriage. We had no idea what we were dealing with during those early days. We were young and he was our first child. I know we were guided by the Holy Spirit. I know because there is no way we made it through through that time in our own strength.

I’m excited to celebrate 18 years. I know it’s not a “milestone” like 20 or 25 years but it’s a milestone nonetheless. I can’t say I never thought we would make it this long, I didn’t think that at all. To be honest aside from our honeymoon and mentioning the wish to come back to Hawaii in “10 years” we never discussed future anniversaries or how we would celebrate them. Maybe that’s how we get by; putting one foot in front of the other and not taking the next day or year for granted. I know raising a child like Thomas had that effect on me personally as I never know what the next moment would bring never mind the next day, week or year. I took one day at a time with him, sometimes one hour at a time especially when his behavior was challenging.

I love my husband probably more now than I did 18 years ago. We were 25 years old when we said, “I do”. I believe we have both grown as people and I know Tommy has taught me so much. About myself and about the world in general. I only hope I’ve taught him something as well.

A Meeting

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Meeting the Lord.  I remember the first time I met The Lord and I treasure that memory.  Treasure it as I should.  I figured it would be a once in a lifetime meeting but I was wrong.  I didn’t know you could meet The Lord more than once and I am in such awe of Him.  The feeling of peace and excitement after you realize what just happened is almost indescribable.  It makes you fall in love with Him all over again and wonder how you ever had moments of doubt.  

The first time I met The Lord, I was in my car as I was stopped at a red light about a mile from my house. I was listening to the song “Praise You In This Storm” by Casting Crowns and I was crying my heart out. Thomas was back in the hospital and I was so angry and tired of it all. Most of all I was angry. As the song played the lyric, ” and every tear I cry you hold in your hand…” gave me a distinct vision of Jesus standing behind me cupping his hand to gather my tears. My anger faded and I realized that emotion was gone. This really happened and I then understood what it meant to meet Him. He truly meets you where you are. And until that day I didn’t understand that concept until it happened to me that morning sitting at a red light.

I love writing about The Lord. I love looking back at memories a year ago, 5 years ago, even the past week and recognizing when His hand was blatantly at work that there could never be another explanation. When the Holy Spirit moved and things happened.

I wrote my last post about boldness and wishing I were more bold. I still wish that and when I pray I ask for boldness. God is amazing and I know he has a plan.

Boldness

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I’m on the ferry to Manhattan and I just finished praying. I didn’t pray for much specifically or for any particular want or need other than a safe journey for all on the ferry and return home. I mostly prayed to give thanks and praise Him. It makes me feel good to say “Thank you” and praise God. Just praise him, it’s that simple.

I also gave thanks for pulling me up by my arms when I was sinking away from Him. I have this vision of The Lord holding us up by our arms when our strength is waning.

This is not to be a sad reflective post, it’s a post of praising Him and thanking Him for all He’s done. For putting people in your life that can help you or people you are to help.

I wish I were bolder. I’m bold in writing and proclaiming Jesus is Lord, but many times I wish I were bolder in a vocal sense. We are called to make disciples.

I have no problem praising God when talking to people in general but it doesn’t occur to me to share the Gospel. Is it fear? Do I fewer I will be looked at as a fanatic? And honestly would that be a terrible thing? To be known publicly as a Jesus fanatic when essentially it is who I am inside, just not yelling it to the world. And would it be horrible to yell or at least be more vocal to the world?

I praise Him.
And I wish for boldness.

The Who’s and Why’s

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There are many times I feel unsure of what to write. I’ve visited the sites that give you ideas (thank you Rob), but I don’t think they are “me”. I like to write about what is on my mind even though whatever that topic may be might not be as interesting to a reader as it is to me. Then I ask myself who am I writing for? Myself or an audience? This blog has been extremely therapeutic for me. I’ve never been so honest about our life with Thomas. I never thought I’d be so honest about dealing with depression and medication and therapy. I never thought I’d receive the feedback I did because of my honesty. So I guess I’m writing for me and an audience even though I know my audience varies from time to time.

When I look back to a year ago I thought I was doing “well” handling the depression. I can see now the difference a year makes. Last year I was not doing well at all and I thank God I can see the difference today. A year ago had I ran into the mom I wrote about in my last post I probably would have broke down in tears explaining Thomas in residential school. I didn’t even come close to that the other day. And as an added bonus, Janice told me I looked great. We all know what an ego boost a compliment is.

I truly wonder what I will be reflecting on a year from now. I pray it’s the take off of my business but if not it will be ok as right now I know it’s in God’s hands and if He feels it’s not to be then it is not to be and God will have other plans for me.

Another Mom’s View

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This morning I ran into a mom I met through one of Thomas’ recreation programs.  Her name is Janice and she’s such a nice person.  Her son is not as high functioning as my son and she works so hard to make sure he is in the correct programs.  Her son is in his early twenties I believe.  Anyway, it was so nice to see her, I told her Thomas  wasn’t attending the recreation program anymore as he’s now in a residential school.  Her face immediately changed and she said to me, “You love your son so much that you did this for him, you got him into a residential school for him. You and your husband made that decision and I know it was hard. You really love him. I don’t think I love my son as much because I can’t let him go.” Turns out Janice’s son was in a residential placement a few years ago but she was very unhappy with how he was treated so she took him out.

I almost fell over hearing her say those words. Fell over at the fruit and vegetable stand we were chatting in. I told her that of course she loves her son that she did do residential but it didn’t work out, it wasn’t the right time. And I mean every word I said, I’m not one to patronize.

We chatted more about our sons, I gave a quick summary of Thomas’ behavior that ultimately led to us having to chose residential. Janice completely understood and said her son isn’t as aggressive but some days are very difficult. I understood her.

These days Janice has created a program for her son and similar functioning young adults. There’s socialization and activities, I was so impressed with what she has created and now has up and running. It’s amazing really.

It really shows how God works. If her son had stayed in residential, I wonder if would she had been as driven to create this program ? It’s also amazing that I ran into her now, not when I would have burst into tears trying to explain things. Today I was able to hold a normal conversation which is what one is supposed to do. It was nice to talk to another mom of a special needs child.

It was very nice to hear someone “in the know” say that I love my son so much but I don’t think I love my son anymore than she loves hers.