Christ

Special Needs and Grace

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I reread a book recently that I had read a few years ago. The name of the book is “Wrestling With an Angel” by Greg Lucas. It’s written by a father who’s son is special needs/disabled and how God’s grace is shown to him through his son, Jake. The book touched me in a profound way. And through it I’ve recognized God’s grace in my own special needs child.

Greg Lucas’ examples taught me to see God’s grace where you least expect it. There is one instance where Greg is giving his son a bath and for a few minutes his son completely relaxes in the water with his eyes closed, no anxiety or stress and he’s given a glimpse of what his son would look like if he were a typical young man. That is grace, a gift from God. I’ve had a similar experience with Thomas. I had a dream that Alyssa and Thomas and I were talking together in the front sun porch of our house. Thomas was a completely “normal” or typical teenager. I woke up from that dream feeling odd and I wasn’t sure how to process it. I remembered what I had read in “Wrestling With an Angel” and  I realized the dream was a gift. That one day when we’re all in heaven together Thomas will speak to me as a typical child, one with no disabilities such as speech impairment or mental retardation.  He’ll be able to tell me everything he isn’t able to tell me on a regular day.

Greg Lucas also tells of his testimony of being led to the Lord by his son. Jake was 2 years old and suffered from terrible, constant seizures. One evening Greg completely surrenders to the Lord. He cried out to God and begged Him to take over, not just Jake’s illness but his entire life. That touched me because my son led me to the Lord.

When I returned to church and was saved, when I gave my life to Jesus; my life was “fine”. Thomas was living home and doing well. We had many supports in place and Thomas had recreation programs that he thoroughly enjoyed. The girls were also doing well. I met the Lord however because of my son. Thomas was in and out of the psychiatric hospital. I was so angry with God. Why? Why? I would ask and I didn’t receive an answer that was suitable. It was only when a friend (thank you Toni!) suggested I listen to “Praise You In This Storm” by Casting Crowns did I finally break down and realize Jesus was for me not against me. That He did indeed hold every tear I cried. It was at that moment God showed me His grace and my anger dissipated.

There are many more ways that God has shown Himself to me through my son. People who have come into my life who otherwise would not. Situations that would never have come about if not for the Lord. And I owe Greg Lucas’ book for showing me how God’s grace is manifested in my son.

 

 

Rest

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I went to bible study last night. It was really nice, I like the women there and Louise, the leader is wonderful.  I leave there wanting to read more of the bible which I guess is how you’re supposed to leave a bible study group. We studied Hebrews Chapters 3 and 4 last night. Talking about “rest”. Resting in God. I love the imagery of resting with my Savior, the perfect Jesus, son of God. I had an epiphany moment before bible study. It suddenly hit me as I was listening to Christian radio that Jesus died for me. He was put on that cross and died; for sinners. That includes you and me. The levity of that struck me hard like to my soul. I don’t know why all of a sudden now this hits me but it did. And I’m so grateful for the cross. I doubt I can ever be grateful enough to Him who died for me. How do you express or show such gratitude without feeling you are falling short?

I was praying last night before I went to sleep and I came to the realization that I like spending time with the Lord. One on one time when I had no interruptions and it was quiet and it was just Him and me. “Special” is the only word I can think of to describe that time. I truly felt I was in His presence and it was so “right”. It made me long for more time with Him. One of the women from bible study once said that the more time you spend with the Lord the more He makes you long for more time with him. That He draws you to him. When she said that months ago I just shook my head, uh huh… Now today I get it.

I was also thinking today of how I felt towards God when I was depressed. I remember having a dream that I was praying so hard to God, but there was a glass around me and my prayers kept hitting the top of the glass and my prayers never reached Him. I used to make myself listen to Christian music in the hopes that the lyrics would break through somehow. I felt unworthy of His perfect love. Many times the lyrics would make me cry and not cry in a good way. I would weep for feeling so far from God. I felt like he was miles away and I couldn’t reach Him no matter how hard I tried.

Today I’m in a better place. I am loved by God and that love is perfect. He knows my name and I am His. He walks beside me and has already planned out this life of mine. His plans are perfect even though they aren’t the plans I personally would chose at any given situation. His ways are not my ways. His ways are higher than mine. I know these are words you’ve probably read or heard before; they are truth.

I look forward to more time with my Lord, my God.

Stitches and Moving

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A week from today Tommy and I will have been married 20 years. No matter how many times I think about it, it still blows my mind. I think about our beginning years and having Thomas so early in our marriage. Then Alyssa exactly 2 years later. All in all it’s been 20 years, 4 kids and 3 houses. Amazing if you ask me. There were many arguments and tears along the way as well as much happiness and blind loving trust. Plenty of prayer.  A friend recently told me that Tommy and I are an anomaly. I laughed at that statement. Maybe we are. Especially with all we’ve been through with Thomas. I was thinking this morning about Thomas and the rough times. I was also thinking about the times of God shining through those rough times. There was one instance that Thomas fell flat on his face literally. (His reflexes are slow so if he falls forward his arms don’t shoot out as fast as yours or mine do.) Thomas broke his braces, his front teeth and required stitches on his upper lip and chin. When I saw him right after he fell I had to hold on to the bathroom sink to keep me from falling due to my knees going week. It was bad.

So off to the ER we went. And the staff there was wonderful to him and me. I managed to get a hold of our dentist and orthodontist who gave me instructions and were also wonderfully supportive giving me their personal cell phone numbers in case I needed them again. We decided not to wait for a plastic surgeon and the ER doc stitched Thomas up after numbing the area. I remember I was crying on and off for Thomas. I felt so bad for him. At one point I was holding Thomas’ hand and he was looking up towards the ceiling. He had a peaceful smile on his face and when I looked into his eyes I swear I saw the peace of the Lord. Thomas’ face was shining. I’ve never seen that peace in someone’s eyes before and I haven’t seen it again since. It was as if he just knew everything was going to be ok and everything was ok. The ER doc did a great job in stitching him up and the next day we saw the dentist and thankfully Thomas didn’t break his teeth far enough to require root canals. Our dentist was able to repair his teeth with bonding.

It’s time like these I know the Lord was with us. I wouldn’t be surprised if someday Thomas told me he saw an angel watching over him while in the ER. I know we’ve had many times in these past 20 years where the Lord certainly had his hand in watching over our marriage. When we moved back here from New Jersey I swear there was “something” working against us. There was roadblock against roadblock placed in our path during the sale of that house. Earlier that summer we had bought a storage shed for the backyard. According to the NJ inspector the shed was too close to the property line. So Tommy had to get all these guys from work to come over and move the dang shed. The inspector didn’t even want to measure the distance afterwards, just a glance and said, “Its fine”. I was so irritated I insisted he measure. The buyers pretty much demanded our refrigerator. It was not in the listing at all. They started threatening to cancel the sale if we didn’t include it. Somehow our agent smoothed it out that we were able to keep the fridge. And we didn’t even have a traditional closing. We did it separately where the buyers met with their attorney and signed the papers then Tommy and I met with our attorney to sign.It all culminated to an end where we had no house to go to for 4 days after the closing of the New Jersey house. Somebody dropped the ball and we to this day don’t know who. Luckily we had multiple family members who let us stay with them until we closed on the new house. But the Lord was watching us and got us out of the great Garden State. I know that.

So being married for almost 20 years I can say I’m definitely not an expert on relationships. And I wish I had pearls of wisdom to depart. I only know what I’ve lived and what our family has experienced and born witness to. 19 years and 51 weeks of marriage. Pretty cool.

Signing papers

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I received a packet of papers from Thomas’ school via the US mail today. There were various consents forms I have to sign every year giving my permission for Thomas to receive various medications and treatments as needed. It struck me today that I’ll always have to sign for him. Tommy and I are his official legal guardians. (Side note: no one bat an eye when we took that baby home from the hospital without any sort of training or guidebook, but good gravy we were finger printed and background checked to be his guardians after the age of 18…) Tommy or I will always have to give consent for Thomas for one thing or another, or…will have to advocate against a situation or two hopefully not in the near future.

Alyssa is looking at colleges. She’s 17 years old and by the time she goes away to the college of her choice she’ll be a legal adult. The cord will be cut and it will be final. I’ll have no legal leg to stand on if I disagree with her decisions. It’s such an odd comparison between Thomas and Alyssa. When they were small the chasm between them was not that wide. I mean we knew Thomas had issues and that there was something wrong with him we just didn’t know what and had little to no help in finding out what that was at that time in our life.  To go from remembering them both as young preschooler and toddler to now acknowledging the adulthood of both of them. One on one end of adulthood and the other on another end of adulthood is a little hard to digest some days.

It started this afternoon when the mail arrived and I realized what Thomas’ school had sent me. I filled out the blanks and signed where I was supposed to sign. I called the nurses to question a medication change but all in all it was pretty uneventful except for the tug on my emotions that this is something Tommy or I will always have to do. Approve or disapprove decisions for Thomas.

Not soon after dinner Alyssa was talking to me about colleges and dorming (she is determined to dorm and that’s ok). I enjoyed our conversation. She’s worried about the financial aspects of certain colleges and we discussed that and other fears she has surrounding getting accepted to certain schools. I wanted to tell her to keep praying on it but I was interrupted by Samantha.  I will tell her tonight to keep praying to God about the colleges. To give it to Him. He will make a way when there is no other.

I have an interesting spectrum and definitions of adulthood here in my little family.

On God opening doors and His perfect timing

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A good friend said to me today, “Well, pray on it…Only God can open a door that He wants open”. We were talking about me and working more, specifically working per Diem for a company that hires RN’s to staff wellness events such as blood pressure screening, blood glucose and cholesterol screenings, and corporate flu shot events. Since I’ve been hired by this new company they’ve sent me job offers but the times are not good for me. I still have to make sure someone is home for Samantha after school and that someone is me. I can’t rely on Alyssa and Lelly these days they are both involved in extra curricular activities and jobs, etc… I mentioned this to my friend while we were waiting for the kids to be dismissed after school. So I took his advice and I have prayed on it. I’ve given this over to the Lord. He’s the only one who can orchestrate a job for me that will work perfectly. And I know this will only occur at His perfect timing.

I have to remind myself of all the times God did open that door at just the perfect time. When we bought this house, when we were awaiting residential school for Thomas, when I desperately needed a therapist, I could go on and on…His timing is impeccable and He meets you where you are; I can’t stress that fact enough. The Lord finds you no matter where you are in your life and He meets you there in the exact spot you’d never think you would meet him. I met Him in my car while listening to Casting Crowns “Praise You In This Storm”. I also met Him another time while driving. I had a distinct image of me sitting with Jesus and other people. I was sitting at His feet and The Lord was talking. About what I have no idea. I wasn’t daydreaming it was very clear. And when it was over I knew I met with Him.

I love hearing people’s testimonies. No two are the same and it’s always clear to whom the glory belongs to. The one true living God. He who took on flesh, He knows what it’s like to hurt, to be betrayed, to feel physical pain, He knows what it’s like to love, he knows.

So I pray and wait for His perfect timing that is a result of His perfect love.

Grateful

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I’ve been thinking today about how grateful I am. Life has been good even when things get a little hairy life is still good. This past week I was literally yelled at by a client. But you know what it was okay. I knew she wasn’t mad at me personally. She arrived at my office in a po’d mood and just continued being pissed off when I came around to her. Not too long ago I would have taken this woman personally and it would have ruined my day; literally. But now…meh…I know she was just an angry woman for whatever reason and I happened to be in her path.

It also helps that I have a supervisor who has my back. Angry woman called my supervisor. I wasn’t too surprised, honestly. I was however reminded that my boss cares about what I have to say and she contacted me twice to talk to me first before she returned angry woman’s phone call.  Thank God for sensible bosses!

I’ve been selling my “stuff” on ebay and it’s been going really well. Much better than I had thought it would. People want what I have to sell. And it’s funny because I did a major clean out of my closets, shoes included. I’ve been selling clothes and bags that I don’t wear anymore for whatever reason but are too nice to donate. Go me! I’ve since turned that money back to ebay to purchase a pair of shoes and an awesomely cool pair of jeans. I can’t wait to get the jeans…

The rest of my sales will go towards Christmas shopping because Lord knows how fast that holiday comes around. You blink after Thanksgiving and bam! It’s Christmas!

So yes, I’ve been grateful. Grateful for a doctor who knows what he’s doing and prescribed meds that help me to be in this good place.  When you’re clinically depressed the depression steals all the good things you feel and leaves you feeling empty, worthless and just all around “less than”.

I’m grateful for my kids who love me. No one leaves this house without someone telling them, “love you!” I don’t know when we started doing that but we do. I’m grateful for a husband who loves me more than I even feel I deserve to be loved. He works so hard to give us what we need and want. And he hasn’t said boo about how short I’ve been cutting my hair, bonus points!

I’m grateful for a God who loves us enough to give up his only son to save a bunch of sinners. He loved each and every one of us before we were even born. How amazing is that? And that Jesus willingly took on our sins to save us! Just as amazing and totally worth our gratitude and worship. There is none higher than Him. I’m grateful I live in a country where I’m able to worship the King of Kings without fear.

I’m in a good place.

A new school year and other musings.

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I’ve been enjoying my new bag and the fact that my mammogram was “negative” something I’m forced to reflect on due to the reports I get in the mail from the imaging center. These reports aren’t annoying they’re actually quite reassuring. That I heard the radiologist correctly.

School is in session full force with all my girls each bringing home a load of homework. Well except for Samantha the youngest she just has an assignment here and there for now. I’m sure her workload will become heavier soon enough. I’ve slowed down a bit in cleaning out my closets. It did feel good to get rid of all those shoes that were only taking up space. I really should do a cull of my handbags next but Im not ready and too many are too nice to donate. I’ll cross that closet when I’m ready…

I’m not too eager for the change of seasons to come about. Usually I do enjoy that cross over into Fall, I’m just totally not looking forward to winter. I can handle being “hot” from the summer weather. I loathe being cold in the winter. I went thrift shopping today and picked up a really nice sweater and top for layering. Always thinking ahead to keep warm.

I’ve been thinking about God lately and I’m eager to start back up with bible study/small group at church. Groups begin meeting the last week of September. In thinking about God I’ve been contemplating what a great God we have. His awesomeness and how our Lord and Savior meets you where you are. That Jesus has such perfect timing. It’s amazing. And I wish I were doing more to spread his Gospel. The good news that we are forgiven. All you have to do is accept Him as your Savior. So simple and so life changing. And when Jesus is in your life everything changes. You change. Not radically at first (well I don’t think I did but my family may say otherwise), but things you once accepted become unacceptable. We all have different things that affect us in different ways as we each try to please Him in our own ways. In pleasing Jesus I pray for boldness that I won’t remain silent when an opportunity arises to shine His light.

Testimonies and The Gospel

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I love hearing other people’s testimonies, hearing how the Lord led them here or there, how He has worked and continues to work in people’s lives. I’ve shared my testimony here on my blog about how I met the Lord while crying and listening to “Praise You in this Storm” by Casting Crowns. Lately I’ve been thinking of how God works in my life every single day. How He orchestrates literally everything and every circumstance. How He hand picked and chose every one of my children for me. He knew He was going to give me Thomas and how difficult it was going to be to raise him. He also gave me my girls; Alyssa, Daniella and Samantha knowing how “typical” they would be. Don’t get me wrong the girls been challenging in their own ways but they are nothing like the challenges we’ve faced with Thomas.

I love how God made Thomas so resilient, that when he was 8 years old we had no other choice but to enroll him in residential school for the first time. Thomas did not want to leave us but he did it. He said goodbye to us after every visit,  many times in tears but he would bounce back and adjust to his new “home”. He’s adapted even more wonderfully to the school he attends now. I credit God with gifting him the ability to adapt to new surroundings so well. No one else could have known Thomas would need such a gift and there is no way his resilience could be learned.

I’ve been thinking about the Gospel a lot lately too. No matter how many times I think of or hear the Gospel I am so humbled to know that Christ died for us. And the way He died; brutal. I am struck at how much God loved us that He gave up his son for us. Sometimes it’s more than I can think about and wrap my brain around it. I not only believe this, I know this to be truth. It is absolute and it saddens me when people don’t get it or stay away from the church. I don’t know how to spread the Gospel outside of this blog. I’m not one to loudly proclaim it even though I know the truth in my head and my heart. I wish I were more bold in person but maybe this blog is how God wants me to be bold.

My Thoughts

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I’ve been thinking about my blog “traffic”. I get significantly more readers when I post about what’s on my mind or about my battle with depression/anxiety compared to the posts about our Lord and Savior. It’s interesting. I wonder if I offend people when I talk about God and worship and prayer. Or is it that people don’t care? It won’t make me stop and I’m not threatening to post more about God. I wonder if people think I’m up on a soapbox or a “Jesus freak”. I know a few of my friends on facebook are atheists or at least agnostic and that’s okay. I’m not trying to convert anyone I’m simply writing about what’s on my heart that day and my relationship with the living God. That relationship is the most important relationship I have. I would only hope that my written words will touch the heart of someone else reading. Perhaps open the eyes of someone who’s eyes are currently closed. If not, that’s okay as well it’s not in God’s timing to have their eyes opened.

When I write about my battle with depression and anxiety I truly hope I am helping someone who is in those shoes. At the very least help someone to understand what it’s like to walk in those shoes. I won’t be silent or embarrassed about anything I write whether the topic be God or depression. I don’t hide the fact that I take medication and I don’t hide the fact that I love the Lord. How to mesh those two topics is something I work on. I used to think I was depressed because I wasn’t praying hard enough, maybe I wasn’t “Christian” enough. I know now that I was wrong and God placed people in my life to help me. There are no coincidences. It was not a coincidence that my now therapist used to work with a former psychiatrist of my son. She called me out of the blue about 3 months before I needed her, looking for information for special needs adults where I live.  I called her later when I needed her advice in dealing with the school district when we decided that Thomas needed a residential school to meet his needs. I never expected her to become my therapist. She said to me after asking if I wanted to meet for coffee one morning, “You sound like you need a therapist”, I almost yelled, “I do!” It was no accident that she was put back in my life after not speaking to her for over 6 years.

I guess I’m back talking about not wanted to convert anyone. Actually I do hope my written words about God touches the heart of someone in need of a Savior. Honestly don’t we all need a Savior?

So these are my thoughts on this sunny beautiful Friday morning.

Oh Praise Him

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I woke up with this song running through my head. The lyrics are quite simple, telling us to praise Him…” all this for our King… He is Christ our King…” I think of how easy it is to praise Him when things are going good or “smooth” as I like to think. It’s when trials come that we are faced with the anger, sometimes feeling as though we’ve been betrayed by our Lord. I keep in mind our Lords Prayer and how we pray, “Thy will be done”.  We are actually praying for His will, His plan to be displayed not ours.  When I think of the lyrics to this song, “How constant, how divine, this song of ours will rise…” I am reminded of how constant His love is for us. How divine and beautiful that love is. It never fails. His love is infinite. He is holy.

I often think of people who question why do bad things happen if there is such a loving God? Why does God allow such evil things. I was asking those same questions when I had my first miscarriage. Why did God even allow me to become pregnant when He was only going to take it away? I had no answers then and I have no answers now. I do know that when I was finally pregnant and I didn’t miscarry I was blessed with a doctor who treated me like glass. I wouldn’t have had that kind of treatment from my care provider with my first 2 pregnancies that ended is miscarriages. This new to me doctor was truly sent from above. And if I never had the miscarriages I never would have met him and I certainly wouldn’t have my Samantha. Don’t get me wrong I was very angry with God at that time in my life. However His will was done and even though I thought I could never get through that painful time I did, but not without His help. I did eventually praise Him again and asked in prayer for Him to protect the growing child within me.

I’m sure we all go through a season where we aren’t praising Him. And we’re even angry with him for the “No” answers to prayer. Where we feel abandoned by our God. We need to hold on to His promise that He will never leave or forsake us. And even sing a song here and there that reminds us that He is holy.