depression.

A Different Size

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I’ve written about my weight gain as a side effect of medication Ii take. I must take this medication if I want to stay not depressed. I enjoy being happy l; I do not enjoy being the weight that I am. I’ve always been on the slim side. Even after I had my kids I lost the weight I gained from being pregnant with them. Four times I gave birth and four times I lost the weight. I was also smoking cigarettes after I had the kids so I’m sure that helped with the weight loss.

Even so when I quit smoking I didn’t gain much weight maybe 5 pounds but that was ok and didn’t make much of a difference in my clothing size. This weight that I’ve gained had made a huge difference in what size clothing I have to buy. It took a lot for me to accept the size I am now. To stop buying clothing in a smaller size with the hope that I would lose the weight. I tried weight watchers but the desire to eat overcomes the desire to stick to a diet. So I’m not doing well on that front.

I do find that accepting my body for what it is right now and buying clothes that actually fit does wonders for the way I see myself. Trying to squeeze my self into a size or two too small  makes me feel uncomfortable physically and psychologically. In my mind I’m concentrating on how tight those pants are and how “fat” I am because the pants are tight. It creates a vicious cycle on some level.

On another level of my acceptance I’ve gotten rid of a lot of clothes that are now too small. It was not a painless process admitting I was too big for certain favorite pants or tops. Since I only buy designer at the thrift I have managed to sell some too small clothing on the bay for a nice profit so that has been nice.

The most difficult part of accepting this new size of mine had been this summer. You can suck in your stomach and instantly feel slimmer but you can’t suck in an upper arm and I refuse to give up tank style tips and dresses. I will still take photos but I *really* don’t like the way I look in them. But…I don’t want my kids to look back and wonder why I’m not in any pictures with them. The beach has been another frontier. I stick with a basic one piece or 2 piece tankini that covers all. I do go in the water with Samantha (she loves riding the waves). I refuse to let my insecurities keep me on the sand only; besides you see all different sizes and shapes at the beach.

My husband has been wonderful, never once has he made any kind of remark about my weight. He does tell me how happy and content I seem and that makes him happy to see me that way. He gets annoyed when I put myself down and tells me I look fine. He’s sweet and I love him.

 

I used to think…

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Before I had my son I used to think kids who weren’t talking were never read to or talked to by their care givers, I used to think people who yelled at their kids were monsters and didn’t deserve their kids. I used to think having a child in a special ed class was a terrible “label” and it would follow that child where ever he/she may go and not with good consequences.
I used to think having a son who was labeled mentally retarded was the worst thing ever. So much so that I badgered a developmental pediatrician who wrote that in an evaluation report to also add an addendum that I as the child’s mother vehemently disagreed with his findings.

I used to think a lot of things. Used to. Then life hit with an impact. I had a son who was speech impaired for seemingly no reason when he was a toddler. I tried to read to him as well as you could read to a busy and disinterested toddler. I am a “yeller” or I was anyway. And I know I’m in good company because a lot if not most of my mom friends were yellers too. My son started receiving special education services when he was 3 years old. I swallowed my pride and accepted their “label”, little did I know that such a label is not a bad thing but a ticket to other services he was entitled to such as Physical therapy and occupational therapy. Today I encourage any labels “they” want to put on my son as it doesn’t change who he is to me, because with those labels now comes placement beyond the board of education. My son’s time being educated and cared for by the board of ed is coming to an end as of next year when he turns 21. New labels may be more appropriate for him as an adult.

I used to think depression was a state of mind and that one should just snap out of it or look around at all they have that is good in their life. I now know depression is a real chemical imbalance in one’s brain and there is no “snapping out” of it. You simply can not. Depression clouds all your thinking and makes you feel worthless no matter what riches you possess whether it be a terrific family or terrific wealth.

I used to think God was a mystical father figure only interested in us on Sunday mornings. I used to think Jesus was the son of God who died upon a cross; period. I now know with all my being that God is real; period. He is with us all the time and not just on Sundays. And that Jesus died for my sins and yours. I know now that His grace is sufficient. Jesus’ life and death and resurrection is the best example of love that I know. And I humble myself to follow him the best that I can.

Being Discipled

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At small group/bible study last night we discussed being discipled or mentored. Were you ever a mentor or the mentee? I was fortunate that I did have a mentor and her name is Louise.

When I started going to small group, Louise was a co-leader of the group. I didn’t think I needed anything. I mean I believed in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. But I did need something, I needed that relationship The Lord and I needed a Savior. Louise met with me when I asked her to. She answered my questions and kept reminding me of the Gospel, that we are saved by grace through faith. I remember crying feeling unworthy of such a gift. Louise listened to me and reassured me that I am worthy.

When my world fell apart due to Thomas needing a medication change. It was then that I met the Lord. In the middle of Thomas being hospitalized and him being so very unstable at home, the Lord took that time to meet me where I was. He truly does meet you where you are, you don’t have to clean yourself up or wait for a special time. He picks the time and the place and it was right there in my car during the song, “Praise you in this storm” by Casting Crowns that I met Him. It was amazing and I called Louise to tell her what happened to me.

When my world was in shambles during the depression and after the trauma of having Thomas be so aggressive towards me it was Louise who would after church tell me she saw God’s fingerprints all over me. I needed that so bad at that time.

I finally thanked Louise last night for discipling me, for being my mentor.

Rest

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I went to bible study last night. It was really nice, I like the women there and Louise, the leader is wonderful.  I leave there wanting to read more of the bible which I guess is how you’re supposed to leave a bible study group. We studied Hebrews Chapters 3 and 4 last night. Talking about “rest”. Resting in God. I love the imagery of resting with my Savior, the perfect Jesus, son of God. I had an epiphany moment before bible study. It suddenly hit me as I was listening to Christian radio that Jesus died for me. He was put on that cross and died; for sinners. That includes you and me. The levity of that struck me hard like to my soul. I don’t know why all of a sudden now this hits me but it did. And I’m so grateful for the cross. I doubt I can ever be grateful enough to Him who died for me. How do you express or show such gratitude without feeling you are falling short?

I was praying last night before I went to sleep and I came to the realization that I like spending time with the Lord. One on one time when I had no interruptions and it was quiet and it was just Him and me. “Special” is the only word I can think of to describe that time. I truly felt I was in His presence and it was so “right”. It made me long for more time with Him. One of the women from bible study once said that the more time you spend with the Lord the more He makes you long for more time with him. That He draws you to him. When she said that months ago I just shook my head, uh huh… Now today I get it.

I was also thinking today of how I felt towards God when I was depressed. I remember having a dream that I was praying so hard to God, but there was a glass around me and my prayers kept hitting the top of the glass and my prayers never reached Him. I used to make myself listen to Christian music in the hopes that the lyrics would break through somehow. I felt unworthy of His perfect love. Many times the lyrics would make me cry and not cry in a good way. I would weep for feeling so far from God. I felt like he was miles away and I couldn’t reach Him no matter how hard I tried.

Today I’m in a better place. I am loved by God and that love is perfect. He knows my name and I am His. He walks beside me and has already planned out this life of mine. His plans are perfect even though they aren’t the plans I personally would chose at any given situation. His ways are not my ways. His ways are higher than mine. I know these are words you’ve probably read or heard before; they are truth.

I look forward to more time with my Lord, my God.