Christianity

Week 2 with our New Pastor.

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Pastor John is our new pastor. Today was the second time he preached, last week they cancelled church due to the snow storm we were clobbered with. I’m really enjoying him  He’s just so good to put it plain and simple. Pastor John is preaching from the book of Phillipians. We’re just at the beginning and its already been enlightening.

Pastor spoke of 3 things we shouldn’t forget: To never forget who helped you on your journey, to never forget who controls your journey and to remember the ultimate purpose of our journey. He packed so much into one sermon it’s difficult to summarize.

In never forgetting who helped you on your journey Pastor John spoke of the Apostle Paul never forgetting those who helped him and supported him, especially when he was in prison in Rome.

When he spoke of never forgetting the one who controls your journey, Pastor said something so profound. The God is omnipotent, nothing is beyond Him and the next thing which resonated with me so strong: “The proof of God’s goodness in not in our circumstances”. It reminded me of when I wrote my blog post titled “Blame” where I’m quick to blame God for my circumstances. Pastor John also said that God didn’t save you to make you happy-He saved you to His glory through you, as you serve his body which is the local church.

The 3rd thing we aren’t to forget is to remember the ultimate purpose of our journey. That love is a choice not an event. Love is an action and pastor spoke of the many times in the bible we are commanded to love. He stressed that love is a choice.

Another phrase that resonated with me that pastor John said is, “When God is through with you he will either kill you or come get you”. I loved that. It means if we’re still here, living that God still has a purpose for you, He’s not done with you yet. That hit me as I often wonder what is God’s purpose for me? What is his purpose for giving me a special needs son? What is his purpose for allowing me to go through clinical depression? As I stand on the edge of starting this small group/bible study I’m starting to see that maybe I’m here to encourage? I don’t know yet for sure~but since I’m still here God isn’t finished with me yet and for that I’m glad and I look forward to Him using me for His glory.

 

 

Thomas This Week

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I’ve been thinking about Thomas lately. He ended up in the ER/Urgent Care the other night for an infection on his leg. He’s fine but did have to have a dose of IV antibiotics. That got me worried a little being that I’m not there nearby but I know he’s in good hands with the nursing staff and residential staff. I have to trust them.

I’ve been thinking of the road we’ve traveled with this son of ours. It hasn’t been an easy one. Many doctors, psych hospitalizations, many med trials and finally residential placement not once but twice. Residential the second time was “easier” because the situation was so dire and my safety was becoming more and more at risk. The school district cooperated with no need to hire a lawyer like the first time. But that didn’t make it a walk in the park. He’s still my son. And my ideal life for him wasn’t for Thomas to live somewhere other than his home, with people other than his family.

My ideal scenario was for Thomas  to stay home until he graduated school at age 21 (special Ed students are educated and receive services until they are 21 yrs old). I then envisioned the perfect group home placement close by to where we live. This is not the reality obviously. Our reality is that we are unable to meet Thomas’ needs here at home, he lives an hour away and I pray for group home placement on Staten Island and not an hour away when he turns 21.

In as little as a few years ago I felt like a failure to Thomas. I’ve written about this in the past. I had distinct visions of me one day meeting our Father in heaven and him being disappointed in me, shaking His head saying, “I gave Thomas to you, what have you done??” I no longer feel this way.  I know Tommy and I did the best we could with the situation we were given. I know I haven’t failed him as a mother. To quote Maya Angelou “We do the best we could with what we knew, when we knew more we did better”. I’ve had people ask me if that quote was an excuse for doing a bad job. My answer is no and the quote is quite simple and true. It puts my mind at ease as Thomas’ mother because the more I knew about my son and his diagnosis’ the better I did at getting help for him.

My other favorite quote is a bible verse from Romans 5: “3Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” My suffering has produced endurance, I have character. I certainly have hope and I know I have God’s love.

Watching God work

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The new small group/Bible study I’m co-leading starts the first week of February. A week from yesterday to be exact. Providing child care was an issue as well as needing a room to provide the child care. Was it permissible to use the Bible study book for special needs Moms that I discovered? What if no one is interested?

These were the issues that we were facing up until today. The small group leader got in touch with me, there was a room available for that night to provide child care and I have a young lady willing to provide the child care. The leaders also approved us using the Bible study book and just this morning I spoke with a woman from church who has a neighbor  interested in attending. This brings the women attending up to 8. I think that is great.

I love watching God at work. It’s not like He works with big stomping feet and a “viola! I’m done, here’s what you asked for!” It’s been my experience that God works in the quiet. I wasn’t totally surprised that things worked out the way they did. From day one of the idea of this Bible study group, things have been coming together in a way that can only be from God. The quiet, perfect manner that only God has. I’m thrilled that He chose to answer the prayers I’ve had for this group with a resounding “yes” and time will tell how the group gets on. I’m eager to see what God has in store next.

 

Snowed In

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Like most of the country on most of the East coast we’re snowed in. It’s not so bad the kid are older so there’s less fighting, note I said “less” fighting, not “no fighting”. Somehow a 14 year old will find a way to annoy the crap out of a 9 year old and vice versa. But all in all it’s been a quiet day.

I’ve been reflecting on my blog. When I started, my intent was to talk about being a personal shopper and write about all my wonderful thrift finds.  Well, I’m no longer a personal shopper, it didn’t take off as I’d hoped but that’s okay, God had other plans. My first entries are all about my thrift finds and trying to sell said finds. I wrote about my husband and then finally Thomas and and all we went through when he was a baby up to his life now.  In fact Thomas’ whole life story is here in this blog. (See July 2013 and scroll through, I don’t know how to link, sorry :))

I’m still thrifting. The thrift store is my happy place. No one bothers me there and it’s where I go to escape for a little while. I have my phone on me so it’s not like I’m unreachable.  I have a thrifting face as my daughter once told me. We were thrift shopping together and Alyssa stopped me to ask a question, I said, “What??” and she said, “Mom! You should see your face!” Some people have a resting bixch face, I have a thrift face.

I still write about Thomas, I’ll probably always write about him. I wouldn’t be who I am now if it weren’t for him. I had certain ideas and opinions of what it was like to be a mother as we all do *before* we have kids. Being Thomas’ mother humbled me in a way I still find difficult to describe. His many diagnosis’ opened up new worlds and new people into those worlds. People I never would have met and appreciated and loved had he not been special needs. If Thomas were born a typical child I would have grown to be a different person and I’m not so sure I would have liked her. This is not to say I wouldn’t give anything for Thomas to be typical. I just wouldn’t want to give up who I became as a result of him not being typical if that makes sense.

I still write about God and my Savior Jesus Christ. I absolutely wouldn’t be where I am without the Lord in my life. His love and direction keep me focused and have shaped me and brought me to spiritual places I’d never have reached without Him. My love of the Lord spills into my writing when I least expect it or intend it to. I guess that’s what happens when the Spirit takes over. My fingers start flying on the keyboard or on my phone and I can’t find the words fast enough to tell people how much God loves them. I wish for so many people I know to realize that God is real. Jesus died for them. And all they have to do is ask Jesus into their heart.

It’s still snowing.

 

 

 

Direction

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I’ve mentioned before that I have been praying for direction. I want The Lord to guide my steps and lead me. So far it’s produced a feeling of calmness. Not serenity but just calm because I know that He is in charge and I have faith in God.

I’ve also been praying for more hours at work. So far that prayer had been answered, praise God! My boss is opening her own office in Manhattan so she’ll no longer be leasing space from another doctor. I’m excited for her and for me 😀. The plan is to gradually increase the hours and/or days as long as there are customers. So I could potentially be looking at another day or two in the future and I’m totally okay with that. It really is an answered prayer. For years I prayed for the “right” job to come along and here I was presented with this one which was extremely part time only a few hours a week. When I would get discouraged my husband would be encouraging saying its ok you haven’t worked in a while this is good to get your feet wet. And he was right. I know I wasn’t ready to commit to more.  Now after praying about it; time has passed and things have changed and more hours have been offered. God is good.

On the bible study front things are moving along. I’ll be glad when arraignments are done and set in stone and we are ready to get started. This isn’t to rush anything I’m just eager to feel more settled and begin.

God is so good.

 

Church today

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Our new Pastor began preaching today. He was awesome! He’s from the South and just spoke the message loud and clear with bits of humor scattered here and there. I truly enjoyed hearing him preach.

Pastor John spoke with such a passion for the Gospel it was wonderful. He also spoke of our finding happiness and joy in things or places outside of Jesus. That nothing but Jesus will bring us joy. Such powerful true words. Lately I feel such peace when I pray that it can only be described as joy. Knowing I can talk to my God, my Savior and knowing that He loves me…How do you describe that feeling other that it is joy? How do you tell other people that that is how close they are to finding joy? To shut out the noise and be still and know that He is God.

Our Pastor also spoke of wrong thoughts we have. Such as, ” Suffering is avoided by a lot of faith; God is mad at you; we deserve or earn suffering to gain favor from God; and that suffering is not part of the good plan of God.” Pastor John also said our suffering is not always oppositional to the work of God. This hit home to me personally in regard to my battle with depression and the trauma of living with my son when he was aggressive towards me. I was did think God was mad at me and for the life of me I could not figure out how this was part of God’s plan, that someone (meaning God) has made a big mistake.

In the middle of a storm it’s so very difficult to imagine anything good arising from what you’re going through. I know I have to always remember that even when things are tough, God is with me. He has not forsaken me and never will and that God will be glorified.

I’m already looking forward to next Sunday.

Looking Back

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I’ve been doing this bible study specifically for moms of special needs children (the name of the book is a Unlocking the Treasure by Bev Roozeboom  ). It’s really got me digging deep in my faith which I guess is what it’s supposed to do.  It also asks a lot of questions some meant to be shared wth a group, others not to be shared. And I tell you a lot of what this woman writes really brings me back. Back to when Thomas was very young and many things were new. Like the first time I ever heard the word “retarded” pertaining to my son who was 3 yrs old at the time. The doctor who told me was so very cold and blunt. No bedside manner at all.  I refused to accept it and insisted this cold hearted man write an addendum in his report of how much I vehemently disagreed with him. I knew there was something wrong with Thomas but to tell me he was mentally retarded told me nothing but an IQ score. It didn’t tell me why he hit all the time and threw terrible tantrums or why was speech impaired.

In the bible study Unlocking the Treasure the author asks if anyone showed you compassion when you realized your child was special needs. The day I was told l that my son was “retarded” one of my husbands best friends brought me flowers and took me to a movie; a comedy.  When I look back it was exactly what I needed at that time and an act  full of compassion.

This study is also full of how much The Lord loves us. It’s mind blowing and humbling all at the same time. That the God of our universe loves us and wants us to seek him…I think of how much I love my children, how much I love Thomas after all he’s put me through.  God loves me more than that. It’s hard to grasp His love for us and wrap my brain around it.

 

A New Small Group in town…

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So the Christmas tree is up and shopping is underway.  I’ve gotten more shopping done than I usually do at this time of year and I’m glad to be a little ahead of schedule. I’m due to start a bible study/small group for mothers of children with special needs with another mom in January. I’ve already identified a book; a bible study for Mom’s of special needs children; I think would be a good fit. I still have to finish it myself so I’m not entirely sure yet. Plus I don’t have input from my co-leader yet. In due time I’m sure it will all fall into place. Or rather in the Lord’s time it will fall into place.

I’m excited to about to be a small group co-leader. To be able to share my experience of raising Thomas and how God has been there through the good the bad and the ugly. Yes God was there when times were horrible as well as when times were good. And it was only through His strength did I gain strength. I was even angry at God on more than one occasion.  I know He was still there and never left us. I know that’s why I was so angry. To know God was there and things were still so crappy. I only got over the anger when I actually met the Lord. And it was then that I really knew in my soul that He was there did my anger dissipate.

I’m excited to have fellowship with other Moms and talk about the Gospel. And how Jesus is still working miracles in our lives and will continue to always be there working and interceding for us. I know I sound optimistic. I am optimistic. We have a wonderful mentor in place who will be there for us in person and in prayer. That makes me feel more secure and confidant in this new role.  I have this month to prepare and pray and prepare some more and then of course pray even more. I’m honored to be used by God in this way. To God be the glory.

 

 

 

Special Needs and Grace

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I reread a book recently that I had read a few years ago. The name of the book is “Wrestling With an Angel” by Greg Lucas. It’s written by a father who’s son is special needs/disabled and how God’s grace is shown to him through his son, Jake. The book touched me in a profound way. And through it I’ve recognized God’s grace in my own special needs child.

Greg Lucas’ examples taught me to see God’s grace where you least expect it. There is one instance where Greg is giving his son a bath and for a few minutes his son completely relaxes in the water with his eyes closed, no anxiety or stress and he’s given a glimpse of what his son would look like if he were a typical young man. That is grace, a gift from God. I’ve had a similar experience with Thomas. I had a dream that Alyssa and Thomas and I were talking together in the front sun porch of our house. Thomas was a completely “normal” or typical teenager. I woke up from that dream feeling odd and I wasn’t sure how to process it. I remembered what I had read in “Wrestling With an Angel” and  I realized the dream was a gift. That one day when we’re all in heaven together Thomas will speak to me as a typical child, one with no disabilities such as speech impairment or mental retardation.  He’ll be able to tell me everything he isn’t able to tell me on a regular day.

Greg Lucas also tells of his testimony of being led to the Lord by his son. Jake was 2 years old and suffered from terrible, constant seizures. One evening Greg completely surrenders to the Lord. He cried out to God and begged Him to take over, not just Jake’s illness but his entire life. That touched me because my son led me to the Lord.

When I returned to church and was saved, when I gave my life to Jesus; my life was “fine”. Thomas was living home and doing well. We had many supports in place and Thomas had recreation programs that he thoroughly enjoyed. The girls were also doing well. I met the Lord however because of my son. Thomas was in and out of the psychiatric hospital. I was so angry with God. Why? Why? I would ask and I didn’t receive an answer that was suitable. It was only when a friend (thank you Toni!) suggested I listen to “Praise You In This Storm” by Casting Crowns did I finally break down and realize Jesus was for me not against me. That He did indeed hold every tear I cried. It was at that moment God showed me His grace and my anger dissipated.

There are many more ways that God has shown Himself to me through my son. People who have come into my life who otherwise would not. Situations that would never have come about if not for the Lord. And I owe Greg Lucas’ book for showing me how God’s grace is manifested in my son.

 

 

Rest

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I went to bible study last night. It was really nice, I like the women there and Louise, the leader is wonderful.  I leave there wanting to read more of the bible which I guess is how you’re supposed to leave a bible study group. We studied Hebrews Chapters 3 and 4 last night. Talking about “rest”. Resting in God. I love the imagery of resting with my Savior, the perfect Jesus, son of God. I had an epiphany moment before bible study. It suddenly hit me as I was listening to Christian radio that Jesus died for me. He was put on that cross and died; for sinners. That includes you and me. The levity of that struck me hard like to my soul. I don’t know why all of a sudden now this hits me but it did. And I’m so grateful for the cross. I doubt I can ever be grateful enough to Him who died for me. How do you express or show such gratitude without feeling you are falling short?

I was praying last night before I went to sleep and I came to the realization that I like spending time with the Lord. One on one time when I had no interruptions and it was quiet and it was just Him and me. “Special” is the only word I can think of to describe that time. I truly felt I was in His presence and it was so “right”. It made me long for more time with Him. One of the women from bible study once said that the more time you spend with the Lord the more He makes you long for more time with him. That He draws you to him. When she said that months ago I just shook my head, uh huh… Now today I get it.

I was also thinking today of how I felt towards God when I was depressed. I remember having a dream that I was praying so hard to God, but there was a glass around me and my prayers kept hitting the top of the glass and my prayers never reached Him. I used to make myself listen to Christian music in the hopes that the lyrics would break through somehow. I felt unworthy of His perfect love. Many times the lyrics would make me cry and not cry in a good way. I would weep for feeling so far from God. I felt like he was miles away and I couldn’t reach Him no matter how hard I tried.

Today I’m in a better place. I am loved by God and that love is perfect. He knows my name and I am His. He walks beside me and has already planned out this life of mine. His plans are perfect even though they aren’t the plans I personally would chose at any given situation. His ways are not my ways. His ways are higher than mine. I know these are words you’ve probably read or heard before; they are truth.

I look forward to more time with my Lord, my God.