Depression

Christmas Shopping

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Yes I braved the mall today.  It was already crowded by 11 a.m.  Thank goodness I was able to get done what I needed to and hightail it put of there.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who faced this or will face the mall within the next few days.  I’m almost done.  Almost.  That stinks in my book.  I just want to be finished and relax and try to enjoy the season.

My mood hasn’t been the greatest.  I’m crabby and the depression seems to be rearing it’s ugly head.  I’m getting tired of this depression business to be honest.  I don’t want to write a depressing post but I need to say a couple of things. That I’m tired of meds that stop working effectively and I’m tired of side effects.

I’m trying to look at the “little” things that make me smile. Watching my youngest write out a Christmas card to her teacher, my son’s face when he arrives home and overhearing my older girls say they, “Can’t wait until Christmas”.

Is it bad that I can’t think of more? I feel like I’m supposed to be overflowing with peace, love and joy when in reality I’m crabby and irritable trying to figure out when everything will get “done”.

This mood shall pass and I’ll soon be happy with the joy of Christmas and remembering that He came to save us. That we are celebrating the birth of our Saviour and Lord. I want to shine for Him, not be the crabby person I am right now. I wish my heart were lighter while shopping to allow the glory of God to shine through. I wish for the Holy Spirit to move me in such a way I trip over myself in enthusiasm to serve. I Praise Him, Praise the Lord, the Great I Am.

Power

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This past Sunday the youth groups in our church put on an amazing service filled with music, dancing and preaching. The preaching was done by young man in his early twenties. It was amazing, simply amazing.

The main theme is that there is power in the name of Jesus. Powerful stuff man. There is power in His name. For a long time I felt like God and/or Jesus weren’t listening to me pray for help with my depression. Maybe I wasn’t getting better because I wasn’t praying hard enough? It wasn’t until I realized He had placed my therapist and doctor exactly in my life at the exact moments I needed them. I’m not saying God couldn’t have performed a miracle and simply healed me, He could have but it was his plan for me to receive help and guidance from the people he chose. And for that I’m amazed and incredibly thankful.

When I started attending church and bible study regularly about 3 ish years ago, my life was “ok”. Thomas was stable, life was stable and no pressing issues had come up. We even had a woman coming to the house for “residential habilitation” for Thomas. Life was good.

Fast forward a year or so and the crap hits the fan. Thomas is going through med changes and hospitalizations, I quit smoking somehow through that, and all the recreation programs I had Thomas involved in he refused to attend.

God placed me in church and I accepted Christ as my as my Saviour when things were “good”. I didn’t start attending church because my life was difficult or falling apart. But, He knew what was coming up on the horizon and how much we would need the church. He is glorious.

I struggle with completely handing my life over to Jesus and following Him as I’m sure many Christians do. I want to know why the struggle? When our Lord has done so many incredible things that show His faithfulness. He is faithful and worthy to be worshipped. I want to follow without question and that requires complete trust. I just need to keep remembering how faithful He is. He will never leave us and there is power in the name of Jesus. Praise God.

The hurt.

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When I spoke to my son on the phone the other day I didn’t mention that I felt sad afterwards.  Sad that this is his life away from us.  Before we had to take him off the one med that produced stability I had things pretty wrapped up for Thomas.  He was in a great school, awesome recreation programs and on the waiting list for group home placement for when he turned 21.  Thomas was also pleasant to be around.  High maintenance yes but not aggressive and well liked at school and his other programs.  It’s only recently have I realized that my way is not the way things were to go.  As my husband likes to say, “We’re not in charge”.  He’s right.

When I think back to actually admitting Thomas to residential; as his mother I literally gave them my son.  I couldn’t live like that anymore and neither could he. I was still spiraling from depression and everything just felt so hopeless. I realize now that our situation was not hopeless. I did love my son enough to want him to get help even if that meant handing him to other people and admitting I couldn’t do it.

I think what hurt the other day was the cold water reality that “my way” that I worked so hard for wasn’t ever going to happen. It really bothered me and it took a therapy session to unearth that in me. I’ve had time to digest that fact and I’m ok with it. What matters most is that Thomas receives all the supports and help he needs. He also needs his mother. I need to remember that, he’ll always need me here and there just like the girls. Heck I still need my mother.

I wish I had something deep and philosophical to write about the love and courage it took to allow other people to help shape my son’s future. I don’t. I can only say that it stings even hurts sometimes but it will be totally worth it to watch him grow.

The Who’s and Why’s

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There are many times I feel unsure of what to write. I’ve visited the sites that give you ideas (thank you Rob), but I don’t think they are “me”. I like to write about what is on my mind even though whatever that topic may be might not be as interesting to a reader as it is to me. Then I ask myself who am I writing for? Myself or an audience? This blog has been extremely therapeutic for me. I’ve never been so honest about our life with Thomas. I never thought I’d be so honest about dealing with depression and medication and therapy. I never thought I’d receive the feedback I did because of my honesty. So I guess I’m writing for me and an audience even though I know my audience varies from time to time.

When I look back to a year ago I thought I was doing “well” handling the depression. I can see now the difference a year makes. Last year I was not doing well at all and I thank God I can see the difference today. A year ago had I ran into the mom I wrote about in my last post I probably would have broke down in tears explaining Thomas in residential school. I didn’t even come close to that the other day. And as an added bonus, Janice told me I looked great. We all know what an ego boost a compliment is.

I truly wonder what I will be reflecting on a year from now. I pray it’s the take off of my business but if not it will be ok as right now I know it’s in God’s hands and if He feels it’s not to be then it is not to be and God will have other plans for me.

God and therapy

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I told my therapist today that I believe she was placed in my life on purpose by God so many years ago (she helped us with Thomas and how to navigate the board of Ed for the first residential school).  I was surprised that she didn’t bat an eye at my statement.  I don’t know her religious background or beliefs, but I do feel comfortable saying what I believe is true as a Christian.

When I was first searching for a therapist I was convinced I had to find a Christian therapist. I was afraid of my faith being mocked or if the therapist had different beliefs or was an atheist they would argue with me. I know now that I was being unreasonable but back in the day that’s how I felt. When I did see a counselor from church all we pretty much did was talk about helpful bible verses and my son’s behavior. In hindsight it was not what I needed at all and if not for my husband telling me this wasn’t working I don’t know where I’d be.

This is not to say all counselors who work at or volunteer at a church or place of worship aren’t any good, I was just much more depressed than originally thought and I needed stronger interventions.

It took Nancy and Dr. L and medication to get me well and I know they are both working under The Lord’s guidance. He is the great physician and I’m so thankful His light is shining to defeat the darkness of depression. I did an exercise with Nancy today where I had to visualize the depression as an object and what will beat it. I pictured the Light of God coming in and destroying the dark object of depression. I ended the exercise visualizing the Light shining continually on the hiding place of the depression.

Nancy asked what I visualized and I told her about the light of God shining down. I didn’t know how she would react but she smiled and approved. That really meant so much to me.

God’s light and wounds.

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I’ve been feeling down the past few days.  It’s not major but not minor either. But on the upside, Daniella and I had an interesting conversation last night.  She asked me what do Nancy and I talk about, but…I don’t have to tell her if I don’t want to.  I thought that was very sweet and insightful for a 12 year old.  I explained that we talk about almost everything and yes sometimes we talk about her and her siblings, but not always.  That Nancy listens and may explain why I might feel a certain way or pick up on things that I don’t feel are important.  I have a caring daughter.  I’m glad she feels comfortable enough to ask me such questions and in a mature manner.  

I’ve been praying in hope that a The Lord will relieve this down-ness. One of my wonderful choir friends said something to me last Thursday that is sticking with me still.  She said that God uses your weaknesses and wounds through which His Light spills out of you.  You are then able to bless others when you expose the humble, hurting parts of yourself.  I found this really profound.  This blog is/has been an outlet and source of healing for me. I’ve received such feedback to keep writing, something I never expected, I had no idea anyone would even read what I write.

I can only hope God’s Light spills out of the parts of me that are wounded and that that light is shining and touching someone else.

I really heart my choir family. My friend received her words from a book “Dear Jesus” by Sarah Young.

Where you are supposed to be

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After choir practice this past Thursday night a fellow choir member/friend and I started chatting. She was telling me about when she was going through a difficult time and how our Pastor said during service that even though some people may appear to not be worshipping during church, those people are right where they’re supposed to be, sitting in church.

I know I’ve said this before, I have really wonderful friends. My friend didn’t know I had already written in my blog that maybe this wasn’t the time for my business to take off as it isn’t the time God wants it to happen. I am just where I am supposed to be. I love this. If someone had said that to me a year or so ago I might not have liked it but it still would have rang true.

As of this moment I’m glad to be where I am, where God wants me. I’ve spent the better part of the last year and a half cursing my station in life and putting myself down as a stay at home mom. I was convinced because I wasn’t filling a role within a company and earning a paycheck that I was worthless. But…right here is exactly where God wants and has wanted me to be.

I believe it’s all about trust in The Lord. We have to trust His judgement and follow with faith. I don’t believe we know better than God, that what we want is what we should always get. I expected and wanted a “typical” son. That didn’t happen instead I was given a gift of a boy who challenged me and in that process those many challenges tore me down so I could be rebuilt spiritually.

I began attending church again when things were going well in my life. Thomas was stable on his meds, my family was in a relatively calm state. I was able to join a bible study group. Life was really nice and I accepted Christ as my Saviour. I realized I had a church family when things started unraveling, the med changes and hospitalizations, etc… God placed me in church at the right moment. When life was good I was exactly where I was supposed to be so when things became rough we would have the support and people to support us during that time. Our God is amazing.

Figuring things out

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I was thinking this morning about how amazing it is that you form friendships with people and you never know where that relationship will take you or how long it will last.  One example is my friend Jackie.  Jackie and I met 11 years ago online on a forum for children/adolescents diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  Her son was already diagnosed, my son newly diagnosed.   There were many friendships that developed from that forum, many of us are in touch with each other via Facebook and the support and caring is still there.

Getting back to Jackie. I know we were meant to be friends, we were meant to find each other. Our sons were just a catalyst to enable us to meet. I live in NY, she in Wisconsin. I mean seriously? How does this happen? We are very close, there are times I’m just thinking of her and she calls and vice versa. It’s funny and I love it. She understands me and I understand her. I’m so blessed to have found a friend who lives 960 miles away yet we talk and laugh as if we lived next door. She (and all the other wonderful friends from that forum) were placed in my life purposefully by God.

Then there is John. He is the grandfather of my youngest daughter’s best friend at school. John picks up his granddaughter from school and I pick up Samantha. Last year John and I started chatting, he knows a lot of parents in the school yard and is simply a really nice person. This year John and I started chatting and realized we’re both Christians. I really enjoy the fellowship I have with him. We attend different churches but The Lord is The Lord. Since I’ve recently been having a tough time with the depression I’m a bit quiet during our chats. But you know what, that’s ok as John, unbeknownst to him is ministering to me. He is guided by the Holy Spirit and the way he speaks of the greatness of our God makes my heart soar in praise of Him.

Standing still ?

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I know I wrote “Moving Forward” recently.  I really believed I was going someplace.  Where?  I have no idea.  This past  weekend it hit me hard that I’m not going anywhere and I felt the depression sneaking back in.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so frustrated (aside from trying to get help for my son).  Now I’m fighting for me and I worry am I strong enough?  Determined enough?  

I feels as though I have tackled and defeated the demons that plagued me concerning Thomas.  But the ones plaguing me still need to be conquered.  The fear and uncertainty of who I am or want to be other than a wife and mother Is rocking my world.  In no way do I wish to abandon my present roles.  I want to fully embrace them while creating and nurturing a separate role that is mine alone.  Make sense?

Thank God I was able to locate a new to me thrift store in Manhattan and score a pair of True Religions. At least in my thrift life all is right.

Medication roller coaster

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When I started taking antidepressant medication I was so hopeful we would find the right one on the first try.  Wishful thinking I realize now.  Actually the first med trialed did work for a while then petered out.  Dr. L upped the dose and as I stated in an earlier post I’d gain weight the med would kick in and I would be “ok”. Until the med petered out again, rinse and repeat. We spoke about adding another med as an adjunct, I agreed and that worked for awhile until the side effect of fatigue started really getting to me. I’m not a nap person and this medication was turning me into one.

We discussed this also and Dr. L lowered the adjunct dose which really made the roller coaster take a downward slope. Not cool. My depression was slowly creeping back in and I knew it wouldn’t be long before it was bad. Dr. L took me off the first antidepressant and put me on another but…this one did not work as fast as the first one. It took about 2-3 weeks before I noticed a difference and believe me it wasn’t anything to write home about. At one point while I was waiting for the new antidepressant to kick in, I called Dr. L. It was a Thursday evening. He asked me if I was alright and I told him, “No” I also asked him (almost demanded) if he had a plan, I needed to know his plan of what medication was next and I wanted to jump out of my skin. I did not want to be me anymore and feel this way, I couldn’t stand it. Dr. L was so, so patient and good. He assured me he did have a “plan” but it was 8:30 at night on a Thursday, he didn’t have my plan right in front of him. He calmly encouraged me to stick it out with this med and to call him if I needed him. The way he spoke to me with such compassion I’ll never forget.

I prayed to God to give Dr. L wisdom and direction in treating me to please guide Dr. L in his choice of medications and to give me strength.

After 4 weeks the new medication did take effect but it wasn’t as great as it could be. I made an appointment with Dr. L and we discussed different meds and their side effects. Which side effects were acceptable to me? I really appreciated that my input was important. In the end we decided on an antidepressant and an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication. I had a written schedule to follow and I was cool with that.

At one point I did become angry with God. I couldn’t understand all the med changes and trials, the ups and the downs. It didn’t seem fair. I try to say that without whining. Being mad at God made me upset all over again. I was afraid that I was mad at Him. I spoke to one of the Pastors at church in tears about being angry at God. He looked at me so kindly and said, “It’s ok…He can take it”. After that my anger faded a bit and I prayed and asked for forgiveness.

As for the current combo I’m taking now, I’m so hopeful the feeling I have of being “me” lasts and lasts.