We all have someone in our lives that will “one up” you. You fell and sprained your ankle; they fell and double sprained their entire foot. I could go on know you get the drift. Annoying. It’s a very odd sort of competition. After a while I just want to say, “Ok, ok! You win, you’ve had things way worse than me!” Even when it’s not true.

When Thomas was around 8yrs old a woman I worked with asked if she could give my number to her friend having a difficult time with their child. Of course I said yes. This mother was upset. Her daughter was a teen. Wouldn’t attend school. I said “that must be terrible.” OMG, she out of nowhere turned on me! “What do you know? Your kid is small, he’s 8!” Bitter woman had no idea what I was tolerating in my home. I didn’t even answer. She then asked for a psychiatrist recommendation. I said no problem, he’s in Manhattan and doesn’t take insurance. The mother’s response, “Oh NO! We need someone who takes insurance. Besides, the way she’s going we’ll have to use up her college fund.” Ok lady you win! Nut.

Why do people have to one up someone else? Or they are stuck in the past, a negative past. Where their past situations were way worse than anything you could have experienced. As much as I write about Thomas there are a shit-ton of experiences I don’t talk about. I don’t feel the need to. If it makes someone feel better to have it worse than everyone else; no problem.

This case has been haunting me since the media coverage began. I was not aware of Lindsay Clancy until the news and social media exploded with play by play, step by step coverage of her trial. Every post on social media that concerns this case is fraught with a multitude of comments. Some sympathetic or empathetic, then the ones viciously against this woman.

I am a mother of 4 children. I understand how one feels after the birth of a child. I was not left in my own in the beginning thank God. I was one of the fortunate ones. Tommy had a week off from work when the baby was born. Then my mom took vacation from her job and came over every day to help for about 2 weeks? She did the same with my sister who has 3 children. Wendy and I joked that no one could do laundry like our mom after you have a baby. And that was so true! My sister and I both breastfed our babies. So my mom would straighten up the house, wash dishes, catch up with laundry. Sometimes we just sat together on the couch talking about what a great baby I just had.

To read of Lindsay Clancy and that she recognized she wasn’t feeling “right” and described what was going on in her mind. And that she asked for help not once or twice but repeatedly is like a knife through my heart. She did have family support. But family can only do so much when the battle is within yourself, one only you can fight. Without the correct tools such as medication and therapy you are helpless. When the very medication prescribed to “help” causes more harm or pain, the professional who prescribed the medication should be right there to respond to negative effects. Of course this is fictitous for most women who desperately need help when mental health is the subject. I can not imagine being post partum, suffering mental illness while expected to care for little children who depend on you for everything.

I’ve read the testimonies. I have no wise all knowing words of wisdom. I do remember like clockwork, at 2 weeks postpartum I had what my mom called “the 2 week blues”. I would be weepy, anxious, couldn’t make decisions like what to order for dinner after Samantha was born. Every task seemed monumental and the anxiety would take off like a rocket. None of my pre pregnancy clothes fit, I felt like a huge blob. (Why I picked that time to try clothes on is beyond me). I did not want to hurt myself or anyone else.

Does my experience even compare to this woman’s? Hell no. I was scared, but things got better on their own. I was one of the lucky ones. This woman asked for help. Told professionals how she felt, what was going wrong in her head. No one treating her communicated with the other, medications were prescribed with no discussion of side effects or dangerous effects that can happen simply by taking the drug.

I’m in no way saying Ms. Clancy is guilty or innocent. I’m discussing the poor, ineffective, disconnected treatment she received from highly educated psychiatric professionals. The treatment she received is frightening.

Our oldest girl is having a baby! I seriously don’t know if Tommy and I could be any happier for Sam and Alyssa or ourselves. They married in March 2021 at the very end of the pandemic. Even planning a wedding during that difficult time Alyssa rarely complained. Sam and Alyssa did everything themselves, Tommy and I stood back, close enough to let them know we were there but far enough that we weren’t intruding. They had an awesome wedding and I’m thrilled to see them grow as a family on their own time.

They have been sharing many milestones of the pregnancy with their family. It makes me so happy and proud that they want all of us “in”. That after all the specialists, hospital admissions, med trials and even more difficult decisions and we had to make concerning Thomas, our family remained close and intact. My girls call Tommy and I for advice. We talk about almost everything. And that’s ok. I never tell my kids, nope TMI, I can’t hear this. As far as I’m concerned there is no TMI.

Anyway, we all are on baby watch. Watching Alyssa’s belly grow. It is so amazing to watch your own flesh and blood grow a baby. I never thought I would feel this way. Alyssa is 25 weeks now. This morning I asked for a picture, I haven’t seen her in a few weeks. Honest to God I burst out in tears. To see her so pregnant and smiling. Omg. It’s the oddest mix of happy, pride, excited, that’s my girl, mom crying ever. We are all so blessed.

The last day of summer school was this past week. The summer program is 6 weeks long. I remember for many years that I worked it; it was nice, almost fun. The vibe was light hearted but serious, we are still at school. I recall everyone pretty much getting along. We all signed up to work so in my opinion, the majority of us wanted to work. We are paid additional funds to work those six weeks so yes the money is a great incentive.

This summer however…the vibe was off. Not pleasant. By the end of week 2 I seriously wondered wth did I sign up for? I ran into one of my favorite OT’s and we both exclaimed “OMG, what is going on? Remember when summer was fun?” I felt so relieved that it wasn’t “me” and I know they felt the same.

As DOE nurses it’s part of Meg and my job to request nursing coverage for field trips from the office of school health. If there are a student/s attending the trip and they have nursing/medication orders on file; a nurse must attend the trip to administer medications. As a parent of a special needs child who greatly benefited from these trips and outings back in the day, I think it is awesome for our students to be out and about. These students are amazing. However, in my professional and educated opinion safety is the highest priority when planning a field trip. When a medically fragile student is attending school, it is a controlled environment. The staff have their roles and perform them well. The nurse who cares for that student knows the student well. One cannot replicate such in a dark movie theater.

A nurse who is covering a trip should not be responsible for 16 students with medical orders. Then, be berated and criticized when they speak up and express concern over the safety of this outing. “Are you refusing the assignment?” No nurse ever, ever wants to be accused of refusing an assignment.

When I worked in the hospital, our only option of speaking out about an unsafe assignment was to work the shift and file a protest with the union that the assignment was unsafe. No I never felt any kind of protection going that route but it was all we could do.

This summer I know God was present when large trips were cancelled. The Canadian wildfires which negatively affected our air quality necessitated all trips to be cancelled. I was largely vocal that a planned trip was unsafe for one nurse to cover. Another nurse was permitted to attend that trip but gosh dang it, the air quality sucked. Trip cancelled! Don’t tell me that God doesn’t watch over our special needs people.

Another large trip was cancelled because the nurse who originally contracted to cover was a “no show, no call” 📞 and no other RN would take the assignment. Coincidence? I think not.

Things did not settle down until well into week 3. By then we were all counting down the days left to work. I never count down days, I figure time will simply pass and we just move on. Ha! This summer I counted down days.

It’s funny though, I truly adore many of my co workers and my work wife nurse, Meg. By the end of the last day we were hugging and wishing all a great rest of the summer. Thanking each other. Asking about plans for the time off. Not many mentioned “see you in September.” And that was fine.