A Different Size

I’ve written about my weight gain as a side effect of medication Ii take. I must take this medication if I want to stay not depressed. I enjoy being happy l; I do not enjoy being the weight that I am. I’ve always been on the slim side. Even after I had my kids I lost the weight I gained from being pregnant with them. Four times I gave birth and four times I lost the weight. I was also smoking cigarettes after I had the kids so I’m sure that helped with the weight loss.

Even so when I quit smoking I didn’t gain much weight maybe 5 pounds but that was ok and didn’t make much of a difference in my clothing size. This weight that I’ve gained had made a huge difference in what size clothing I have to buy. It took a lot for me to accept the size I am now. To stop buying clothing in a smaller size with the hope that I would lose the weight. I tried weight watchers but the desire to eat overcomes the desire to stick to a diet. So I’m not doing well on that front.

I do find that accepting my body for what it is right now and buying clothes that actually fit does wonders for the way I see myself. Trying to squeeze my self into a size or two too small  makes me feel uncomfortable physically and psychologically. In my mind I’m concentrating on how tight those pants are and how “fat” I am because the pants are tight. It creates a vicious cycle on some level.

On another level of my acceptance I’ve gotten rid of a lot of clothes that are now too small. It was not a painless process admitting I was too big for certain favorite pants or tops. Since I only buy designer at the thrift I have managed to sell some too small clothing on the bay for a nice profit so that has been nice.

The most difficult part of accepting this new size of mine had been this summer. You can suck in your stomach and instantly feel slimmer but you can’t suck in an upper arm and I refuse to give up tank style tips and dresses. I will still take photos but I *really* don’t like the way I look in them. But…I don’t want my kids to look back and wonder why I’m not in any pictures with them. The beach has been another frontier. I stick with a basic one piece or 2 piece tankini that covers all. I do go in the water with Samantha (she loves riding the waves). I refuse to let my insecurities keep me on the sand only; besides you see all different sizes and shapes at the beach.

My husband has been wonderful, never once has he made any kind of remark about my weight. He does tell me how happy and content I seem and that makes him happy to see me that way. He gets annoyed when I put myself down and tells me I look fine. He’s sweet and I love him.


Summer, bathing suits and yearbooks

Yep, it’s that time again…bathing suit season ~~shudder~~. I decided to hit TJ Maxx for their selection and low prices. And believe it or not their dressing rooms were not set up for failure like most major department stores. Last year I went to Macy’s and the lighting in their dressing rooms seemed to emphasize every wrinkle, flaw, cellulite you name it. TJ Maxx on the other hand had bright enough lighting but not the glaring fluorescence that will highlight every flaw you already know you have and don’t need the extra reminder.

I ended up with your basic one piece suit, black and white. Its nice and fit well.  Last year’s dilemma over wearing a bikini is no longer a dilemma due to the lovely weight gain I’ve experienced due to much needed medication. I’m not okay or happy with the weight gain but I’m not letting it rule my life as it had in the past. I’m not going to rock the boat and change medication that is already working well in the hopes that I will lose weight. I’d rather be this weight and mentally healthy than skinny and depressed.

Alyssa came home with her yearbook from high school. It was nice to go through it with her and see all the pictures of her and her friends. It brought the reality of her graduating all the more to the fore front. Today she showed me all the nice and wonderful things her friends wrote. It was sweet to read. Especially when the writer was someone she’d known since grammar school. I wrote to her as well. It was easy to write to her, the words just flowed from my heart to the page. Then…I got choked up. Especially when I wrote how God has blessed me with her and now I must let her go to have even more experiences. I’m so proud of Alyssa. She made me grow as a mother while I watched her grow into this amazing young woman. And I have the privilege of watching my younger 2 daughters grow in the same manner.

I’m still amazed at how fast the past almost 18 years have flown by. It does seem like yesterday that I was this young overwhelmed mother of (then) 2 children. I used to put Thomas and Alyssa in the double bus like stroller and walk the neighborhood with them. We were regulars at the Italian deli a few blocks over. Things were much simpler then but to be honest I wouldn’t go back even if I could. Once around that merry go round was enough. I enjoy my Alyssa these days, don’t get me wrong she can exasperate me like no other and she still leaves her stuff all around the house and she doesn’t empty the dishwasher… but I do enjoy her company. She is thoughtful and sweet and most important she talks to me. I pray for her future and that she will enjoy the brightness of it.





On Bathing suits and being 45

So…we leave for vacation soon. We’re going to a beach town and renting a beach house. We’re going with a couple of other families and we’re all friends and get along so it should be all good.

I’m going through my clothes and bathing suits deciding what to bring; what not to bring. Trying things on and being ultra critical. I know every woman goes through this. What to wear on the beach? Do I dare wear a bikini??  A two piece bathing suit that isn’t a tankini? I know I wrote recently about medication side effects and weight gain, but lately I’m starting not to care about the weight gain. I’m 45 years old and my days of wearing a bikini are definitely numbered. Plus I’ll only know the people who I’m sharing the house with, I won’t know anyone else so that is definitely a plus. Anonymity is absolutely an advantage.  I have a very nice, acceptable one piece bathing suit that I am very comfortable wearing, probably too comfortable. It’s blue and very nice. It’s done the job extremely well the past 2 years. So I’ll bring the safe blue one of course along with the tankini and bikini and cover up. There will be no photographic evidence of which bathing suit was chosen. I’ll most likely blog about it so you’ll have to stay tuned.

In the meantime I’ll keep trying things on and looking in the mirror.