Christ

Testimonies and The Gospel

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I love hearing other people’s testimonies, hearing how the Lord led them here or there, how He has worked and continues to work in people’s lives. I’ve shared my testimony here on my blog about how I met the Lord while crying and listening to “Praise You in this Storm” by Casting Crowns. Lately I’ve been thinking of how God works in my life every single day. How He orchestrates literally everything and every circumstance. How He hand picked and chose every one of my children for me. He knew He was going to give me Thomas and how difficult it was going to be to raise him. He also gave me my girls; Alyssa, Daniella and Samantha knowing how “typical” they would be. Don’t get me wrong the girls been challenging in their own ways but they are nothing like the challenges we’ve faced with Thomas.

I love how God made Thomas so resilient, that when he was 8 years old we had no other choice but to enroll him in residential school for the first time. Thomas did not want to leave us but he did it. He said goodbye to us after every visit,  many times in tears but he would bounce back and adjust to his new “home”. He’s adapted even more wonderfully to the school he attends now. I credit God with gifting him the ability to adapt to new surroundings so well. No one else could have known Thomas would need such a gift and there is no way his resilience could be learned.

I’ve been thinking about the Gospel a lot lately too. No matter how many times I think of or hear the Gospel I am so humbled to know that Christ died for us. And the way He died; brutal. I am struck at how much God loved us that He gave up his son for us. Sometimes it’s more than I can think about and wrap my brain around it. I not only believe this, I know this to be truth. It is absolute and it saddens me when people don’t get it or stay away from the church. I don’t know how to spread the Gospel outside of this blog. I’m not one to loudly proclaim it even though I know the truth in my head and my heart. I wish I were more bold in person but maybe this blog is how God wants me to be bold.

My Thoughts

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I’ve been thinking about my blog “traffic”. I get significantly more readers when I post about what’s on my mind or about my battle with depression/anxiety compared to the posts about our Lord and Savior. It’s interesting. I wonder if I offend people when I talk about God and worship and prayer. Or is it that people don’t care? It won’t make me stop and I’m not threatening to post more about God. I wonder if people think I’m up on a soapbox or a “Jesus freak”. I know a few of my friends on facebook are atheists or at least agnostic and that’s okay. I’m not trying to convert anyone I’m simply writing about what’s on my heart that day and my relationship with the living God. That relationship is the most important relationship I have. I would only hope that my written words will touch the heart of someone else reading. Perhaps open the eyes of someone who’s eyes are currently closed. If not, that’s okay as well it’s not in God’s timing to have their eyes opened.

When I write about my battle with depression and anxiety I truly hope I am helping someone who is in those shoes. At the very least help someone to understand what it’s like to walk in those shoes. I won’t be silent or embarrassed about anything I write whether the topic be God or depression. I don’t hide the fact that I take medication and I don’t hide the fact that I love the Lord. How to mesh those two topics is something I work on. I used to think I was depressed because I wasn’t praying hard enough, maybe I wasn’t “Christian” enough. I know now that I was wrong and God placed people in my life to help me. There are no coincidences. It was not a coincidence that my now therapist used to work with a former psychiatrist of my son. She called me out of the blue about 3 months before I needed her, looking for information for special needs adults where I live.  I called her later when I needed her advice in dealing with the school district when we decided that Thomas needed a residential school to meet his needs. I never expected her to become my therapist. She said to me after asking if I wanted to meet for coffee one morning, “You sound like you need a therapist”, I almost yelled, “I do!” It was no accident that she was put back in my life after not speaking to her for over 6 years.

I guess I’m back talking about not wanted to convert anyone. Actually I do hope my written words about God touches the heart of someone in need of a Savior. Honestly don’t we all need a Savior?

So these are my thoughts on this sunny beautiful Friday morning.

Oh Praise Him

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I woke up with this song running through my head. The lyrics are quite simple, telling us to praise Him…” all this for our King… He is Christ our King…” I think of how easy it is to praise Him when things are going good or “smooth” as I like to think. It’s when trials come that we are faced with the anger, sometimes feeling as though we’ve been betrayed by our Lord. I keep in mind our Lords Prayer and how we pray, “Thy will be done”.  We are actually praying for His will, His plan to be displayed not ours.  When I think of the lyrics to this song, “How constant, how divine, this song of ours will rise…” I am reminded of how constant His love is for us. How divine and beautiful that love is. It never fails. His love is infinite. He is holy.

I often think of people who question why do bad things happen if there is such a loving God? Why does God allow such evil things. I was asking those same questions when I had my first miscarriage. Why did God even allow me to become pregnant when He was only going to take it away? I had no answers then and I have no answers now. I do know that when I was finally pregnant and I didn’t miscarry I was blessed with a doctor who treated me like glass. I wouldn’t have had that kind of treatment from my care provider with my first 2 pregnancies that ended is miscarriages. This new to me doctor was truly sent from above. And if I never had the miscarriages I never would have met him and I certainly wouldn’t have my Samantha. Don’t get me wrong I was very angry with God at that time in my life. However His will was done and even though I thought I could never get through that painful time I did, but not without His help. I did eventually praise Him again and asked in prayer for Him to protect the growing child within me.

I’m sure we all go through a season where we aren’t praising Him. And we’re even angry with him for the “No” answers to prayer. Where we feel abandoned by our God. We need to hold on to His promise that He will never leave or forsake us. And even sing a song here and there that reminds us that He is holy.

Identity

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Recently I was asked how do I identify myself. I started with the usual, “wife and mother”, then after some thought proudly proclaimed, “Nurse!” That one caught me completely by surprise as until recently I didn’t identify myself as a nurse, just someone who pierced ears for a living. I am piercing ears as an RN at a company that performs ear piercing performed by Registered Nurses. Anyway…we went through the other identities such as sister, daughter, and I almost forgot Christian. I wanted to face palm myself. How did I not say that first? I was disappointed with myself. I mean I’ve been a wife and mother for the past 20 years so those were a no brainer. “RN” was said after some thought and I am proud of myself for reinstating my license and actually securing a job after all these years. Being a Christian is a huge part of my identity. The fact that I believe and worship Christ affects every part of my day and my actions. Unfortunately I’ve taken it for granted. Taken for granted the privilege a lot of people in this world do not have.

I didn’t realize how my faith is transparent to people who know me.  My therapist was the one who asked me to identify myself. She was the one who said, “Christian, Menay you’re a Christian” when I became stuck at labeling how I see myself. My therapist is not a Christian and I adore her. She brings up my beliefs and how I pray quite often. She understands how important my faith is to me. I think she appreciates my faith in God more than I do sometimes. When the depression was hitting hard, I still prayed, probably more than I pray today. I prayed for Him to take the depression away. And He did by having the right doctor and therapist in my life. God placed those people here, there was no chance meeting. I don’t believe in coincidences.

I would ask anyone to label their identities, it’s a real eye opener and makes you appreciate what you gloss over or don’t think is important enough to identify.

I’m Glad…

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I’m sitting on my front steps thinking of how glad I am to be here. Glad to have a new tattoo, glad to not be depressed and glad to have a new job opportunity. A year ago these things were very different. I wasn’t interested in much other than the way I was feeling which wasn’t that great. Last year I wrote about Thomas turning 18 and how I was job searching. Little did I know back then that in 2 to 3 short months I would be hired by my current employer.

I’m glad to be past the baby stage with my kids. Samantha, our youngest is turning 9 years old soon and I’m blown away at how fast time passes. Our oldest daughter is turning 17 this weekend and will start driving. I’m glad I’m here to see that milestone.

I’m glad I have a husband who loves and supports me. In my darkest times it was his support that held me up. I don’t think he knows how much that meant to me.

I’m glad to have a relationship with God. I don’t know where I’d be without Him in my life. He is an awesome God and I wish more people knew Him and knew the Gospel. That the Lord God gave his only son so that we would be reconciled with Him. An incredible gift and all we have to do is invite Jesus in to our hearts to receive this gift.

I’m glad.

10,000 Reasons

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I woke up having a song running through my head, 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSxocnIaN0A.  Specifically the chorus, “Bless the Lord oh my soul, oh my soul. Worship His holy name…”  Such powerful lyrics. To not only worship the Lord but also His name. He deserves such worship and devotion, the great I Am. Each day I’m amazed at His greatness, how He can change lives, and change people. I know the Lord has changed me. Changed the way I see situations and how I see people. I’ve seen Him work things out in a way that only He can.

I’ll never forget when Thomas was in the psychiatric hospital 2 hours away. I was called to come in for a meeting and Tommy insisted I not go by myself. The meeting was in 2 days and I had no one to come with me. I thought about my church family and calling the church to see if anyone could accompany me. I didn’t call the church. Instead I went to the Macy’s one day sale.  While in Macy’s I ran into Cheryl who is one of the pastor’s wife from church. She immediately asked about Thomas and I told her I had this meeting to go to and I needed someone to come with me. Without missing a beat Cheryl asks, “When is the meeting?” I told her the day and she quickly answered, “I’ll be there.”  I almost fell over right there in Macy’s. And true to her word Cheryl came with me.  I took up her whole day. And she acted as if it were no big deal. That was the work of our God right there working through Cheryl. This was over 3 years ago and Cheryl is now a wonderful, dear friend of mine.

I’ve been praying for a new job all the while knowing this can only happen on His timing, not mine. Now here I am presented with this new opportunity. I don’t know if this is exactly where He wants me to be I can only step out in faith and trust Him.

Ruminating

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I’ve been thinking lately about what I want to do with my life in the near future. I’m actively job hunting. I do enjoy the job I have now it’s just not enough hours. I currently work 2 days per week. I would love another day or two but I don’t see that happening.

I’ve also been praying to God for Him to open the door to another job. Whether He will or not is His will and not something I can control. I’ve accepted that. Maybe He wants me where I am for now for whatever reason. In the meantime I search optimistically and ruminate about what direction I want to take.

I’d rather not work in a hospital or nursing home. I’d prefer an office. I’ve decided right now to stay in the nursing profession. God doesn’t make mistakes and I’m here for a reason. I don’t particularly want to return to school which is what I would have to do to make a total career change.

God does have the perfect job picked out for me I simply need the patience to wait on Him. In the meantime I pray, take care of my family, work my part time job and exercise my love of the thrift.

Getting knocked down

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I went to bible study last night and was struck by a conversation surrounding how the enemy likes to strike us down, we then question “why me God?” And wonder why He even chose us to follow Him.

I started going back to church and accepted Christ as my savior when things were going well in my life. Thomas was living at home we had a wonderful counselor for him who came to the house to work on various goals such as going to the stores and paying for items, etc… She easily became part of our family. Life was really good.

Fast forward a year or so and Thomas was having potentially dangerous side effects to one of his medications. We
had to change his meds and it was disastrous. He became aggressive towards me and I was forced to call an ambulance more than once to preserve my safety and Thomas was hospitalized many times. I felt like my world was falling apart. This was
also when the depression started settling in. I remember feeling far from God. That he moved away from me. I even had a dream that I was praying and I had a big glass dome over me and my prayers couldn’t get past the glass to reach God.

At no time did I stop believing or blame God. I did become angry at him but I did not feel forsaken, just separate and broken.

I find it so interesting that He chose me to return to Him and accept Christ during a “good” season in my life and then the storms hit. I kept praying even though I felt so far away. One particular storm lasted for years (the depression).

During this season of my life things are nice. Not stress free but calm. I know He has great plans that have yet to be revealed. And even though I had a season of feeling separate from Him, God never left me.

Blessings

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https://youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQframeborder%3D0allowfullscreen

I have this song running through my head this morning, Blessings by Laura Story. Yesterday my husband and I were talking to a neighbor who also has a special needs daughter. Many of you know about our Thomas who is also special needs. We’ve been through many, many trials with Thomas. And everytime I hear this song I think of him. What if our greatest trial is God’s blessing in disguise?

Anyway, when we were speaking with our neighbor she mentioned that she often wonders what her daughter would have been like had things been different. My husband replied that he often thinks the same thing about Thomas. I do think that also about Thomas. The big “what if?”  What if he’d been born “normal”?. What if? It almost makes you loathe the word, “if”. That word can hold so much. Thomas is one of the greatest achings of my life. It still pains me that he cannot live at home. I know my husband feels the same. I love Thomas for who he is now, not what he could have been. Thomas being the way he is changed me as a mother. And if I were to be able to change him to a “normal” person, would I then have to change myself to how I was before he was in my life?

I honestly don’t dwell on the what ifs because it is pointless. I tend to focus on the present and future which can hold enough worry all by themselves.  But this song speaks so perfectly to my heart. Especially when she sings, “This is not our home…”  No, this is not our home. I often wonder if when I do meet our Lord will I ask Him questions about my earthly life. Thomas being in the forefront of those queries. Why were we chosen to be his parents? Why did God make things so challenging? Why the heartache? Or will I even care at that point? What I do believe is that when Thomas meets the Lord and joins us, I believe he will tell us himself. It will be glorious to hear my son talk clearly and coherently. I was given a glimpse of this in a dream I had a couple of years ago. Thomas was just a typical teen and him, Alyssa and I were just sitting in our front sun porch talking to one another. I have no idea what we were talking about I just remember Thomas being “normal”. I know when we’re all in heaven together we’ll all talk again. God gave me a preview.

His Presence

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God’s presence in our lives is so important. It’s something you don’t realize you have until you feel it is missing. His presence is real and it is powerful. I feel so blessed to have our Lord’s presence in my life.

When I was depressed I missed God’s presence. The depression makes you feel alone and forgotten. I still prayed and believed don’t get me wrong I probably prayed more when I was depressed than I do when I’m not depressed. Or rather I pray differently. These days I pray more in praise of His greatness than for healing. It makes sense now that I’m in a different place.

Today our Pastor preached about “Jars of clay” and how that is what we are as Christians. But we contain a treasure which is the Gospel. I loved it. To know that we carry such a powerful message and it is our charge to spread that message. That Jesus poured himself out and died for us. Sinners. This message is one that we should not contain yet we do.  I do anyway. I don’t see myself as a minister even though that is what I am according to my Pastor. I worry that when presented with a situation to spread the Gospel I will fail. I will fail the Lord and Savior I worship. My only calming thought is that the Holy Spirit will not fail me and carry me and my words to exactly who and where they’re supposed to be. I wish for boldness in spreading the Gospel.

His presence surrounds us and I never forget His promise that He will never leave or forsake us. Those truths are what keep me centered and focused.  We serve a mighty and wonderful God.