parenting special needs.

Thinking about things

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I was thinking about a few things today.  First is our rescue dog named Riley.  We didn’t name her she came with the name and since she was 2yrs old when she adopted us last June we decided not to change her name.  Although for some reason when Thomas said “Riley” for the first time it came out “Rogerey”, so that is officially her nick name or “Roj”, oddly enough she will answer to it.  I know I say this all the time that the Lord leads us; but He truly did with Riley.  She’s the perfect blend of sweet, affectionate “wouldn’t hurt a fly” plus neurotic enough to fit in our family.  She needs a lot of attention which is ok with just about all of us because we love her.  I can’t imagine our life without this dog.  She filled a void and the Lord led her to us.

I was also thinking about prayer.  I really believe in prayer and that God hears us.  When I walk Riley after dropping Samantha off at school, it’s not uncommon for me to walk/pray/walk/pray.  I enjoy it.  I enjoy the solice, knowing Riley isn’t going to talk and interrupt me although there have been plenty of times I’m deep in prayer and not paying attention to Riley and she’ll make a sudden stop.  I’m sure it looks hilarious.  Sometimes it feels that way too.  Lately when I pray I’ve been praising more than anything else. I’ll pray on the ferry and subway and praise Him then as well.

I was also thinking about my therapist. Lately we’ve been talking about “things” and I leave feeling enlightened a lot of times. I never thought someone would be able to organize my thoughts and feelings the way she does. I realize she’s on the outside looking in but I’m impressed. I’m incredibly grateful to God for putting her in my life as well as my doctor who listens to me, actually listens. Some doctors have a “my way or the highway” approach and that can really stink. I’ve been blessed to have a physician who hears what I have to say and make necessary changes if I’m not happy. Again, this physician was put in my life by The Lord.

My husband entered my thoughts today too, as usual. I mean I think about him every day, but today I was just thinking about how he loves me and I love him. Quite simple really.

Praise Him.

Phone calls

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Our son, Thomas has been calling us lately from school.  I don’t think we called him once, but he’s called us just about every evening with the exception of 2 evenings I believe.  And last night get this, he only wanted to talk to me.  It was really sweet.  Not a deep conversation mind you but he wanted *me*.  This is a big deal, for me at least because when he’s home and starts to get comfortable, Thomas starts sliding backwards towards behavior that landed him in the residential school to begin with.  So to have him say, “No Mom, I want to talk to you”  when I asked him if he wanted to talk to his father, is really sweet and just reinforces that he does love me.  Yes I know he always loves me but it’s difficult to logically tell yourself this when this sweet boy is giving me dirty looks for no reason.

When Thomas returned to school after Christmas, I was ready to have him go back but felt so guilty about feeling that way. Fast forward 2 days and Thomas calls us from school sounding so good, so comfortable, so at home…it was amazing. That really took the sting out of him going back and took some of the guilt away. After talking to Thomas last night it made me want to visit him even more. Tommy and I were discussing the best day/time earlier. But I have to bring the boy socks. He kills me. Thomas insisted he only has one pair (I find this hard to believe) and that we have to bring him socks when we visit. I called the social worker and she promised to look into the sock issue. Regardless, we’ll still bring him socks, why not?

Don’t Say it Out Loud

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I’m talking about common treatments for depression.  Medications and therapy, that’s I’m familiar with anyway.  When I first started seeing Nancy for my depression I was dead set against medication.  No way, no how, I’ve thought about it…NO.  I was terrified as I’ve written in previous posts. If I started medication I thought I was weak or *really* so sick I that couldn’t wrap it around my brain; I was that messed up and that I needed that much help.

I’ve written about how I did decided to see Dr. L and I did agree to try a mild anti-anxiety med first and then realized that it wasn’t enough. I agreed to anti depressant medication and thus began the trial and error “rollercoaster” that isn’t fun but sometimes necessary to get the correct me or correct combo of meds.

Not until recently did I really appreciate the severity of what happened to me almost 2 years ago when I “went to bed”. I had a severe clinical depressive episode. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before, even when I had the miscarriages. After months of Thomas’ behavior not to mention years of pushing things aside or just trudging through it all, I couldn’t do it anymore. I used to get annoyed at people who say, “I don’t know how you do it” referring to my son and my girls when Thomas was not doing well. You “JUST DO IT” as the Nike commercial says. You seriously just do. You put your head down and go forward.

When Thomas became aggressive to me after years of him being so stable that he wouldn’t even think of hitting me, I broke down. I remember thinking I couldn’t go through this again. I guess once around is my limit. That trauma was so intense I still struggle to describe it and talk about it.

But getting back to taking medication. This past year when talking I found I still lowered my voice if I decided to tell someone, “I take antidepressants” Why do we still do this? Lately I consciously keep my voice even, I mean I don’t need to yell it or shout out loud but I don’t want to lower my voice as if I’m ashamed or I’m afraid other people will hear. I’ll tell anyone I’m in therapy. In fact I think everyone should have the opportunity to go into therapy. What happened to me changed the chemistry in my brain. That is not my fault and nor is it the fault of anyone else suffering from depression. Like the miscarriages I felt betrayed by my body. Why couldn’t I just carry on and trudge on through like I did in the past? Why did I now have to deal with “this”?? I felt broken. And then feel embarrassed that I was taking medications? Today I’m not embarrassed that I take meds, it’s necessary at this point in my life much like insulin is necessary to a diabetic or blood pressure medication to a person with hypertension. I know everyone always says that so much it seems like lip service but it’s so true why not say it again.

Lets not whisper it anymore I promise I won’t stare if you won’t.

Back to our regular program

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The holidays are officially “over” by my clock and calendar anyway.  I’m glad, whew!  Now upward and onward to getting back to life in general.  It was pretty cool having the kids home for break, I enjoyed sleeping in :).  The girls are getting older that they no longer need me to be “rightthere” all the time.  Thank God.  Seriously.  Samantha at age 7 is fairly low maintenance and if Alyssa is home I can run an errand or two alone by leaving Alyssa to watch Samantha.  I want my life back where kids are in school, choir practice is resumed and all is right with the world.  Oh and I go to Manhattan to see Nancy and after we chat I get to thrift in the big city.  Yes I am excited about that.  I haven’t seen Nancy in about 2 weeks or so and I miss her.  I’m not sure if that is “correct” but I do like her as a person as well as a therapist, although I’m not sure you could NOT like a therapist as a person and still want to have sessions with them.

So yes I’m off to Manhattan and hoping and praying the snow storm predicted won’t begin until I’m back home.  I’m not a fan of driving in the snow, I don’t know many people who are.  I miss going to the city.  I’ve come to the realization that I am having a love affair with NYC, Manhattan in particular.  Living on an outer borough it’s easy to get to Manhattan and I notice my Alyssa will take any opportunity she has to go as well.  I’m glad because I want her to feel comfortable navigating subways and bus lines.  I love to people watch so this is perfect for me.  I know I enjoy the city so much because I’m not dragging myself there and commuting to a job everyday.  However I will say (now) that I’d jump at the chance to work in Manhattan when Samantha is older and much more independent.  If it’s The Lord’s way though.  It won’t happen unless He wants it to and I’m not privy to His plan.

When I do visit the city I enjoy taking public transportation.  For a people watcher, it’s definitely the way to go!  I’ve driven many times and it’s usually a headache and an expensive one at that taking into consideration bridge/tunnel tolls not to mention parking.  Ugh!  Yeah, that’s all I have to say about that.

Yes I’m welcoming back our regularly scheduled program and routine. We had a lovely Christmas, Thomas came home and the visit went for the most part, well. We spent New Year’s Eve with some of the nicest, sweetest people on the planet. Some new friends and some friends we’ve known for years and years. Regardless of how long everyone knew each other, all seemed to find common ground and chat and laugh. I loved hearing people laugh.

I hope everyone has a smooth transition back to their regular schedule/program.

To a new beginning and a great year!

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This is my last post of 2013.  I can’t say 2013 was the best year of my life but it certainly wasn’t the worst.  2012 was way rough compared to 2013.  This past year I’ve struggled with depression and made it through med adjustments, therapy sessions that were at times intense and at other times full of relief.  There isn’t a time that I think of both my doctor and my therapist that I don’t thank God above for placing them both in my life.  Without that combo I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now. 

I was reading over past blog entries specifically dealing with depression and I’m so thankful I’m not in that dark place anymore.  I’m thankful to feel more like “me”.  Good moods are not taken for granted anymore but are recognized and enjoyed to the fullest.  I’m incredibly grateful for my friends and family (both online and in person).  Words fail to describe how I feel about my choir family.  I love our fellowship and the friends I’ve made through the choir.  They are all very strong people who pray for me without me even asking.

I also don’t know where I’d be without my husband.  He’s received quite the education in dealing with a wife fighting depression.  And he’s been wonderful, I’m not just saying that he really has been.

I didn’t set out to make this a “thankful” post but it looks like it’s heading in that direction and that’s ok.  These and many more blessing have followed me this past year through the laughter and the tears.  “Silly” questions I’ve asked and wonderful friends who have an answer.  I am looking forward to 2014 beginning; I think 2013 has had enough and is tired but I hope she goes off quietly and without a huge bang to anyone.

I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions at all.  But there is one I would really, really like to keep and that is to spread the Gospel and be more bold in my faith.  We are called to make disciples and I’m am ridiculously intimidated by that command.  I know the Holy Spirit will be with me when the opportunity arises and will give me the “right” things to say.  I need to trust and submit.  Maybe those 2 actions should also be part of my “Resolution”.  Yes I think they shall be.

We are ringing in the new year with a small party, a gathering of friends and family and friends that are more like family than anything else.   I love it.  I love that people want to come to our house and celebrate with us, I love that we have such people to get together with and be comfortable, laugh, have fellowship, talk and laugh some more and usher in a New Year. 

Good bye 2013.

Happy New Year!

Today

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Today Thomas went back to school.  I wonder when the visits and saying goodbye will be “easy”.  They’re not full of tears and heart wrenching goodbyes but the emotions involved are hard to digest once he actually does leave.  “I need to have more patience, I wish I didn’t get annoyed when…, Why does he still target me?” I ask these questions rhetorically. This is a sampling of the questions and guilt I still carry a year and half after admitting Thomas to residential school.  I know logically he is in a more structured environment with staff who have back up thus probably have more patience and they don’t have the emotional investment I have as Thomas’ mother.  Logic and emotions don’t usually co exist with me.

I’m glad I was able to go to church this morning. I love our Lord and I’m so glad I get to worship him freely. Our Pastor read from Philippians today talking about how Paul wants us to “press on to make it my own because Christ Jesus has made me his own. (Philippians 3:12). This strikes me as so comforting to know that Jesus has made me his own. Pastor also spoke about forgiveness and, “…forgetting what lies behind”(Philippians 3:13). I have a difficult time with this concerning Thomas and all the events leading up to him requiring residential school. Have I forgiven him? Have I forgiven myself for not being enough? Again rhetorical questions that I must work through.

I love the lyrics to the song “You Loved Me Anyway” by the Sidewalk Prophets. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y8BBCYFAYRI. That song has ministered to me in ways I can’t even describe.
All the things we are to Him yet He loves us anyway. Thorn in His crown, nail in His wrist, shouting from the crowd for His blood to be spilled, etc… This song reminds me of how great His love for us is. That love is amazing.

And just like that…

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Its over, Christmas that is.  By my personal calendar at least, as I know some religions still celebrate or hold holy days/weeks past the 25th of December.  All the running around, the stress, the angst over choosing that perfect gift for that perfect (or not so perfect) someone.  It’s over.  Until next year, haha.  I love the whole build up to Christmas personally.  The reverence of knowing we are about to celebrate the birth of our Saviour and how wonderful our Saviour is.  I love that part.  I love knowing He came down to us to save us.  Yes I know this. That our Lord took on human form and arrived without bells, whistles, trumpets blaring; it’s amazing and humbling.  

The shopping, meh…I could take or leave it most times. Yes it’s me talking saying I can take or leave “shopping”. Its not the kind of shopping I enjoy, it’s too stressful man! And I KNOW I’m not the only one who feels this way.  Sometimes it’s fun especially when your know what you’re buying is the “one” for that special someone.

We’re having a nice time with Thomas home. He’s been rather pleasant and wants to be helpful most times. Both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day he did an awesome job of helping to clear the table. It’s funny as sometimes he is clearly does not act his chronological age of 17 yrs and other times he comes out with some doozy comments that stop you dead in your tracks and you KNOW he’s in there and so very far from “not smart”.

I’m looking forward to taking my tree down, I realize we’re only 2 days past the big event but I want my house back and I’m tired of sweeping up needles. That said, I loved having a real tree for the first time. The smell was awesome and just having a living tree was just the coolest for once. I would do it again next year (I say this now before taking it down, haha).

I’m also having thrift withdrawal. I haven’t been thrifting in a couple of week due to the Holiday and all my kids home from school. My oldest daughter is in Manhattan today thrifting with her friends and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious. She called me with an authenticity question about a pair of premium denim IMO they sound good to me and the price was right so I said to go for them! I can’t wait for her to get home and show me her finds.

So yes, just like that Christmas is over. The fact that our Lord came to earth is still truth but the stress and running around is done for another 350 or so days.

Thomas’ mother.

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And the boy is home!  Over the years I’ve had many emotions while being Thomas’ mother.  When Thomas was born my dad told me, “You no longer have a name, from now on you’ll be ‘Thomas’ Mom”.  I laughed then, 17 years ago but it really is true.  I know I’m also “Alyssa, Daniella and Samantha’s Mom”, but being Thomas’ Mom broke me in, inducted me into motherhood, shattered (in a good/realistic way) whatever false/perfect beliefs I had about motherhood. Introduced me to the person I would become;  a tenacious mother who would search over and over for help for her son.  I look at this young man who is bigger and taller than me.  This young man who will bend down when he hugs me so that his head will rest on my shoulder.   He’s so handsome and so big.  I wish I knew when all this growing up happened.

He is left handed, like me but has green eyes like his Dad.  I’ve never been brought to tears as much as I have for this child of mine.  Tears of joy and happiness as well as tears from pain and fear.  I’m able to sit and write this because Thomas is engaged in coloring Christmas pages.  Gingerbread houses to be exact.  This is when I’m able to sit and stare at him and swell with pride that he is mine.  Thomas is my only child that I’ve had to express to other people that he is indeed MINE.  The girls have always been with me, lived with me there was never any moments of insecurities.  Thomas is once again in residential school.  This time around I haven’t felt the need to remind the staff that he has a mother…that he is mine.  The first time in residential there were many times I wanted to shout from the rooftops, “He has a mother, he is still MINE”.  Will I still do this say in 10 years when Thomas will be 27 years old?  I want to say, “no” but I’m sure I will.    Will I do that to the girls in 10 years?  Most likely no. 

I’m so glad he’s here, home for Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

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So here it is we’re 2 days away from celebrating our Saviour’s birth.  It’s wonderful isn’t it?  I’m no longer in that crabby mood thank God.  Instead I’m adjusting to a med change and my head is a bit fuzzy. Not debilitating but enough to make me slow down a bit. However I firmly believe The Lord has me exactly where he wants me and I’m ok with that.   

My son should be arriving home today if all goes as scheduled and I want to see him. I want to see his face, I miss him. He was supposed to come home yesterday but things were a bit screwy with his meds and the school not having enough to send home with him. That wouldn’t work out well in the long run so we made plans to pick him up today in order for the med situation to be worked out.

I’m finally excited for Christmas. Excited to see our children’s faces when they open their gifts, excited to get together with family and looking forward to attend church on Christmas Eve, usually the 11pm service. Its a candlelight service and it is beautiful. I heart our church.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what our Pastor was stressing during yesterday’s service. He stressed that “God sees you” even though you may feel forgotten or not cared about, He still sees you. That message brought incredible comfort to me. I know we’ve all had times where we doubt that God is even involved with our life, but our Pastor said, “In your dark hour think biblically and trust God.” Have I mentioned how much I admire our Pastor? I enjoy and find so much comfort in the way he preaches to us. So anyway… it is difficult to trust God in the dark hours. IMO anyway. But the more I search for Him and try to live for Him the easier it becomes to trust Him. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t reached a place of total submission and trust, that is quite honestly my goal. But lately I find comfort in knowing I am exactly where God wants me to be which also extends to my family in my belief and now I will reinforce to myself that God does see me and I *must* trust him. He has his own plan. And He sees me. He sees us all.

 

Christmas Shopping

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Yes I braved the mall today.  It was already crowded by 11 a.m.  Thank goodness I was able to get done what I needed to and hightail it put of there.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who faced this or will face the mall within the next few days.  I’m almost done.  Almost.  That stinks in my book.  I just want to be finished and relax and try to enjoy the season.

My mood hasn’t been the greatest.  I’m crabby and the depression seems to be rearing it’s ugly head.  I’m getting tired of this depression business to be honest.  I don’t want to write a depressing post but I need to say a couple of things. That I’m tired of meds that stop working effectively and I’m tired of side effects.

I’m trying to look at the “little” things that make me smile. Watching my youngest write out a Christmas card to her teacher, my son’s face when he arrives home and overhearing my older girls say they, “Can’t wait until Christmas”.

Is it bad that I can’t think of more? I feel like I’m supposed to be overflowing with peace, love and joy when in reality I’m crabby and irritable trying to figure out when everything will get “done”.

This mood shall pass and I’ll soon be happy with the joy of Christmas and remembering that He came to save us. That we are celebrating the birth of our Saviour and Lord. I want to shine for Him, not be the crabby person I am right now. I wish my heart were lighter while shopping to allow the glory of God to shine through. I wish for the Holy Spirit to move me in such a way I trip over myself in enthusiasm to serve. I Praise Him, Praise the Lord, the Great I Am.