Recently a family I hold dear to my heart has suffered an unimaginable loss of their young daughter. Her death was a tragic unpredictable event. One that I can’t imagine living through. This tragedy also makes you wonder why? And ultimately asking God why did He allow such a tragedy to occur. There are no answers. No where in the Bible does it say we as believers will have an easy life, in fact it says just the opposite that we will have trials. It’s just that when we think of “trials” we never imagine the unimaginable. I know I think of difficult times maybe a rough patch here and there in life, maybe some “light” trouble in my marriage that’s overcome without issue and we go in our merry way with life.

Knowing that trials can be literally anything on that spectrum of tough times ranging from work issues to completely unexpected/unexplained loss of a loved one is so difficult. So difficult to accept that when we accept God’s will for the good in our lives we also must accept God’s will for trials we face, no matter how painful and unbearable that trial may be.

I’ve often wondered why God made my son the way he is. When Thomas was born I accepted this beautiful “perfect” baby boy as a gift. Truly a miracle as any child is.. Then the trials came and we realized Thomas had issues. Issues that took us 12 years to get a definitive answer for. Is my son less than perfect today? No. He’s as perfect and wonderfully made in the way God created him.

We will only know the answer to God’s trials and the pain we feel during those trials when the day comes that we are face to face with Jesus. I don’t think I will care to know the “why” at that point. I wonder if I’ll be so in awe of His presence that nothing else will matter.

I will pray for my friend who is going through such a horrific trial right now. I don’t know how she feels. But I know we serve a mighty God and he never wastes a tear.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my dad passing on. I actually found out today, the day after he passed. So today it hit me a little harder than yesterday.

I miss him. My best friend put it the best way I can describe when her dad passed. She said, “It’s that it’s permanent that’s what get me.” And she’s right but she’s also wrong. It’s permanent in *this* world.  Not in the spiritual sense. My dad is with the Lord. He’s healed, he’s whole and he is living! Praise God! Even though I know this with all my heart I still miss him and it still hurts that he’s not here with us.

I’ve been listening to Pastor John Piper (if you haven’t heard of him google him. He is phenomenal). My wonderful friend Louise passed on a message that he preached on with him saying in so many words that if you follow Christ you will never see death. Yes you will one day die but you won’t “taste” death. It is a message that I really needed to hear at that exact time. God is amazing in His timing. I’ve listened to that message from John Piper at least 3 times and it’s as great the 3rd time as it is the 1st time. Here is the link if you’d like to be enlightened:

https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/you-will-never-see-death

So getting back to my dad. I’ve been taking to my girls about my dad and when I started driving. I don’t know how we ever got on the subject. My dad was a mechanic, that’s what he did for a living. However if you’re ever heard the saying the “shoemaker’s children go barefoot…” that was us and cars and my dad. Don’t ask why but he never taught us to go and get a simple oil change on our cars. So daddy would get us these cars to drive, we would drive them to death and then he’d get us another one. Fun times I tell you ! And God forbid you felt the car was too big and you were afraid to drive it. “Just drive it!” He would exclaim at us. So funny. I still heard that when I had to drive Tommy’s pick up to work when my car was in the shop. I never drove a pick up truck before…Just Drive! I heard in my head. Good advise then and now.

He was a great Dad. Low maintenance, he didn’t like a fuss. Although if you were cutting him a piece of cake it had better be a “hunk” not some sissy little piece. Tommy and I recently bought me a new car this past December. I think daddy would have liked it. Especially that it’s smalller than what I was driving and now I feel like I’m zipping all over the place. It’s great on gas and daddy would have loved that part.

This time last year I was trying to absorb the fact that my dad had passed away, on to be it’s the Lord. My house was 80% finished from our renovation. Today I still have a hard time that daddy is gone and the house is 100% finished. Some things change and some don’t.

I found out a very dear friend of mine has cancer. I saw her at church last week and was not her usual self, she was somber. I thought of her all week. Today I asked if she was alright and she said, “No”. Before I could say anything else she told me she has cancer and has an appointment at Sloan Kettering this week. I was in shock and after about 5 minutes I was holding back tears. I wanted to give my friend a hug but many people wanted her attention. But the time I got to her I had tears in my eyes I did not want to cry in front of her.  But as gracious as always she took it in stride and just handed me a tissue.

My friend is one of the most selfless people I know. Years ago when Thomas was in the hospital 2 hours away she would take the ride with me so I would have someone to go with me. She would give up her entire day to help a friend. When we weee waiting for Thomas to get into his group home she would always ask how things were going and just be a friend. When things weren’t going well for me she would always tell me she was praying for me. That is a true friend.

I’m scared for my friend. I’m scared for her family. I will be praying for her incessantly as will the majority of my church. I will pray for wisdom for the doctors and nurses taking care of her, I will pray for strength for her, I will pray for a complete recovery so that this time in her life will one day be a memory.

I am asking for anyone who reads this to please add your prayers for my friend, God will know who you are praying for.

The 1 year anniversary of my dad dying is quickly approaching. He died on February 4. He fought an awesome fight against cancer. Daddy was diagnosed with colon and liver cancer 11 months earlier and given 3 months to live at that time. I remember crying at the drop of a hat after learning that, way back when. But daddy proved them wrong he lived for 11 months. We were given the gift of time with him; something not too many people get when cancer is the diagnosis.

I can’t help but be thrown back to a year ago. Our house renovation was almost complete. We were living less and less out of our basement and were able to spend more time in our newly renovated 1st floor which was transformed to an “open concept”. When the renovation began, January 2nd,  I remember showing dad the pictures of my house with no walls whatsoever. Down to the studs. He was so happy for us, he knew this was something that we had been thinking about doing for years. He never saw the finished project.

I miss my dad terribly. I still cry when I write about him; like now and I can’t believe it will be a year that he’s not with us. I won’t say we lost him, he’s not lost, I know where he is. He’s with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We just can’t get to him right now. It’s like he crossed over a literal mystic line and we can’t go there. Not yet. I know he’s in heaven with every other believer in our family. And they’re having a grand time. How could they not be?

It still sucks that my dad isn’t here. It still punches me in the stomach that he’s gone when I think about him. I would have loved to tell him about my co workers and students in my school. He would’ve gotten the biggest kick out of me  carrying a walkie talkie radio around when I leave the nursing office. He would have loved hearing about some of the paras and teachers especially the ones that make me laugh. Dad loved to laugh and be sarcastic and joke around and especially tell stories…he’s especially known for his propensity to tell you a story. It could be of when he was younger and drove his dad’s car when he was 15, or worked on the dump trucks for Sonny, or worked as a school bus mechanic. He had an endless supply of stories and he would make sure you laughed with him.

I really miss him.

A new year, a new start or back to an old start (like me going back to the gym…). Happy New Year! I know a few people who are more than happy to say goodbye to 2018. I have to say aside from the devastation of losing my dad, 2018 was not a horrid year. My house was renovated, something we talked about and waited years for, I gained confidence at work and I also discovered I really enjoy being around a ton more people at work and they like me too. I know I’ve written about my job before, but I can’t say enough about how much I like my school and the nurses, teachers and paras that I work with. The ones I have constant communication with are truly top notch and such very caring individuals. There’s a part of me that is eager to get back to work because I miss my co workers, go figure. I also miss the routine of work, the 5:30 AM wake up…not so much but it comes with the territory.

More of 2018: I started classes for my bachelor’s degree, something I never saw myself doing before I was hired by the board of Ed. I never thought I’d be this in love with the nursing profession. My dad would have been proud of me for going back to school. We would have had a few laughs at all he learned when my mom went back to school. We joked that with all that he learned from my mom, he should have gotten his degree as well. He was so funny. I really miss his sense of humor. I haven’t met anyone else who laughed at things or joked about events in life like he did. Definitely one of a kind.

So here’s to a new year, new goals, new times of laughter and new times of togetherness. A new season of everything. Happy New Year to all my dear family and friends!  I wish everyone the best!

Last night was Christmas Eve. We celebrate the Eve with Tommy’s family and Christmas Day with my family. It’s been this way for as long as we’ve been together so it works out well. This is the first Christmas without my dad. I miss him terribly. There were times I would be out shopping and come across something I would’ve bought for my dad and it hit me right in the stomach that he’s not with us anymore. It stinks to be perfectly honest. It’s hard to believe that last year was our last Christmas with him. Everyone I talk to who’s lost a parent says that Christmas is so hard without that person.  That made me feel better in a weird way. That I’m not alone in missing him and feeling that horrible void.

I finished last minute shopping this morning and managed to wrap everything and put the gifts under the tree. Impressive IMO. I’m also knee deep in my second bachelors nursing class. “Current Trends in Nursing” or something like that. It’s interesting, a paper every week yayyy…said no one ever.

We opened our gifts here this morning and it looks like everyone is very happy! I’m so glad. I gave my mom one of her gifts to open at her house this morning. It’s a bracelet with a hanging tag that’s engraved with “Love, Walter” in my father’s handwriting. She loves it and we both cried this morning on the phone. In a way it felt good to cry and get it out after holding it in all season. My mom was also blessed with a visit from a red cardinal. They say when that kind of bird visits you it’s a visitor from heaven coming to see you when you need it most. I couldn’t think of a better time for her to receive a visitor.

Merry Christmas!

Getting ready for Christmas. It’s such a unique time of the year. You’re busy with life in general and now throw gift shopping on top of that and let’s add in a sprinkle of “I have no idea what to get so and so…”. Sometimes the gift shopping is fun especially when you find that oh so perfect whatever for whoever. And you practically skip out of the store triumphantly! Then there are the times you wander around the mall for literally hours trying to find a gift for that person who literally has everything. Not fun. And let’s face it you *have* to get them a gift no matter how difficult they are to shop for.

My son is so so difficult to shop for. He loves clothes but is particular about what he wears. He has his own style and don’t get me wrong he chooses really nice clothes and always looks nice, but I want to get him things to open other than gift cards. Although to be realistic the gift card is the best way to go for him.

My girls are easy. They just tell me what they want or text me a link, or…when we’re in the mall or wherever will find something they’ve been wanting and I’ll get it for them for Christmas. Samantha knows about most of her gifts between picking some out with me or trying things on because there was no other way to go about with that purchase. I have no idea what the girls are getting me I give them vague suggestions or remind them of what I usually wear (cough, cough…big earrings).

It’s so easy to get caught up in the shopping and preparing and push the real reason for Christmas to the back burner; the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. His mercy is an absolute, no strings attached, perfect fit gift. It’s not a gift you can earn. it’s quite simple. You let Christ into your heart, accept Him as your Lord and Savior and submit to Him realizing its His will that will be done, not yours or anyone else’s. He is in charge. His everlasting love and mercy are year round gifts and are of endless abundance. Thank you God for your Son!

 

The nurses I work with and I are to give a presentation on seizures today. Our focus group is the staff of the school we work at. I never thought so much about seizures before I started working here. It’s funny but clusters of diagnosis occur in different schools in different parts of the city. When I was in training I had to visit schools in Harlem, NY. At those schools asthma was the “big” or important diagnosis. I was witness to a student who was 911’d for an acute asthma attack.

Here at my school, seizure disorder/epilepsy are the more prevalent prevalent diagnosis. At first I was terrified of a student having a seizure. I felt so helpless. I’ve since gained confidence in that area of my practice. I know how to treat the person if they have medications ordered by their physician and I know how to use what’s called a Vagus nerve stimulating magnet (VNS). The VNS magnet gives a surge of electricity to the person’s brain in the event of a seizure. There are specific parameters defined by the student’s physician on how to use the VNS magnet.

We are to give our presentation to the teachers here and then to the paraprofessionals. It was totally a group effort to put it together.  And my supervisor forwarded the presentation to his supervisor and we received an email complimenting us on the work we did and that she was going to forward the presentation to their staff development department to see if they will use it. I thought that was pretty awesome.

 

 

The message at church this morning was about stepping out in faith to do God’s work. We must trust that God is working even when we don’t see Him working with our eyes. Instead of asking what is God’s will for my life, simply ask what is God’s will…?

When stepping out in faith we must always remember and internalize that God is always faithful, He will never forsake or leave you. I’ve had that experience first hand and even though there are times when I’m in the valley I know God is still there and He is worthy to be praised.

I’m at a crossroads right now  on how to increase attendance for my small group (bible study) for moms of special needs children. We meet twice a month at church and discuss ways God is working in our lives and in the lives of our children. And how we are depending on God as we face various issues related to having a child with special needs.

Do I sit back and just accept the small intimate group we have now or do I step out in faith and try to increase our number? I’ve long had a nagging feeling that I’m supposed to multiply. I have to be bold and step out in faith and trust that God is with me. The same way I stepped out in faith and applied for and was hired for the job I have; working with special needs children. I don’t believe I was put there without God purposefully working in my life. I had to first step out in faith first and then I witnessed God’s work.

I’ll pray for boldness and confidence to know that God will be with me during my efforts.

 

 

I finished my first class towards my BSN degree. It was an APA writing class which taught you how to write a paper in the style most required by colleges. I earned an 87 in the class, so a B+. I’m ok with that. Honestly I wouldn’t have earned that grade without the help of my daughter Alyssa and her boyfriend Sam. They both helped me with my assignments and showed me the beauty of Google docs. I was strictly a Microsoft Word gal before this class. I’ve since learned the error of my ways.

I am glad that class is over. I really want to begin the nursing classes. I’m fortunate that all I need to take are the nursing classes, the college I’m registered to accepted my credits from years ago when I was flip flopping on my major before I finally decided to go for nursing. So there are no electives necessary for me to take.

I never thought I’d be so eager to increase my knowledge of nursing. My family and friends can contest to the fact that for many years I wanted nothing to do with the nursing profession. It is the job I now hold that has made me fall in love with the profession. I’m doing what I always wanted to do and that is to help people and to make a difference. These special needs students and their families have made an incredible difference in me. They have allowed me into their lives to provide care only a select few get to provide. It’s a heavy gift I’ve been given. And I appreciate the weight of that gift. I remember how I was forced to trust the doctor and nurses when Thomas was in residential school. I had no choice but to believe they would do their best for my son and they did do their best. Thank God. I know the Heavenly Father was watching.

So while I’m on a break from classes I’m enjoying my time. I’ve put the tree up and it looks awesome. We were getting a live tree for the past few years but in the past 2 years the tree barely made it to Christmas Day without drooping terribly and yes I did water it. Our new artificial tree has “snow” on the branches and it looks so so good!  However I am covered with said “snow”. But it’s all good.