Christianity

Signing papers

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I received a packet of papers from Thomas’ school via the US mail today. There were various consents forms I have to sign every year giving my permission for Thomas to receive various medications and treatments as needed. It struck me today that I’ll always have to sign for him. Tommy and I are his official legal guardians. (Side note: no one bat an eye when we took that baby home from the hospital without any sort of training or guidebook, but good gravy we were finger printed and background checked to be his guardians after the age of 18…) Tommy or I will always have to give consent for Thomas for one thing or another, or…will have to advocate against a situation or two hopefully not in the near future.

Alyssa is looking at colleges. She’s 17 years old and by the time she goes away to the college of her choice she’ll be a legal adult. The cord will be cut and it will be final. I’ll have no legal leg to stand on if I disagree with her decisions. It’s such an odd comparison between Thomas and Alyssa. When they were small the chasm between them was not that wide. I mean we knew Thomas had issues and that there was something wrong with him we just didn’t know what and had little to no help in finding out what that was at that time in our life.  To go from remembering them both as young preschooler and toddler to now acknowledging the adulthood of both of them. One on one end of adulthood and the other on another end of adulthood is a little hard to digest some days.

It started this afternoon when the mail arrived and I realized what Thomas’ school had sent me. I filled out the blanks and signed where I was supposed to sign. I called the nurses to question a medication change but all in all it was pretty uneventful except for the tug on my emotions that this is something Tommy or I will always have to do. Approve or disapprove decisions for Thomas.

Not soon after dinner Alyssa was talking to me about colleges and dorming (she is determined to dorm and that’s ok). I enjoyed our conversation. She’s worried about the financial aspects of certain colleges and we discussed that and other fears she has surrounding getting accepted to certain schools. I wanted to tell her to keep praying on it but I was interrupted by Samantha.  I will tell her tonight to keep praying to God about the colleges. To give it to Him. He will make a way when there is no other.

I have an interesting spectrum and definitions of adulthood here in my little family.

The thrift and a spiritual rut

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Why do people donate badly stained or ripped/torn clothing? I’m not talking cool ripped denim jeans I mean blouses with horrid pit stains and sweaters with obvious moth holes. I don’t get it. Maybe because I’m an avid thrift shopper I only donate things that I would buy. If it’s stained or ripped it goes in the garbage not to the donate pile.

Speaking of which I had a slight laugh when I was thrifting today. I came across 3 tops I donated and yes it took me a minute to realize they were once mine. No, I didn’t buy them back 😜.

I did pretty good today at the thrift.  I happened upon a really nice lightweight denim dress that retails for about $180.00 the name is “Bella Blue”. Who knew? Not me that’s for sure. I learned a new high end retail name today. I also bought a new Hollister tank with stones at the neckline and a new silk blouse. Everything is washed and pressed and hanging in my closet ready to be worn.

I’ve been doing some soul searching lately and I’m in a spiritual rut. I need that fire that can only come from the Holy Spirit. I’ve talked and prayed about it and I’m going to attend another bible study tonite. I went to one last night but it didn’t do it for me. I also emailed one of the church staff members asking if he needed any volunteers for anything. I need to be with others and I want to serve or rather I need to serve. I felt a little better after I wrote the email. I also had a wonderful and insightful conversation with Louise who runs tonight’s bible study. Louise is just so good. I’m glad I have her in my life. I listen to a lot of christian music and it is so uplifting and speaks so much to my soul. I adore the band Casting Crowns. Their song “Just Be Held” speaks volumes to me lately. 

They’re such an awesome band.

On God opening doors and His perfect timing

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A good friend said to me today, “Well, pray on it…Only God can open a door that He wants open”. We were talking about me and working more, specifically working per Diem for a company that hires RN’s to staff wellness events such as blood pressure screening, blood glucose and cholesterol screenings, and corporate flu shot events. Since I’ve been hired by this new company they’ve sent me job offers but the times are not good for me. I still have to make sure someone is home for Samantha after school and that someone is me. I can’t rely on Alyssa and Lelly these days they are both involved in extra curricular activities and jobs, etc… I mentioned this to my friend while we were waiting for the kids to be dismissed after school. So I took his advice and I have prayed on it. I’ve given this over to the Lord. He’s the only one who can orchestrate a job for me that will work perfectly. And I know this will only occur at His perfect timing.

I have to remind myself of all the times God did open that door at just the perfect time. When we bought this house, when we were awaiting residential school for Thomas, when I desperately needed a therapist, I could go on and on…His timing is impeccable and He meets you where you are; I can’t stress that fact enough. The Lord finds you no matter where you are in your life and He meets you there in the exact spot you’d never think you would meet him. I met Him in my car while listening to Casting Crowns “Praise You In This Storm”. I also met Him another time while driving. I had a distinct image of me sitting with Jesus and other people. I was sitting at His feet and The Lord was talking. About what I have no idea. I wasn’t daydreaming it was very clear. And when it was over I knew I met with Him.

I love hearing people’s testimonies. No two are the same and it’s always clear to whom the glory belongs to. The one true living God. He who took on flesh, He knows what it’s like to hurt, to be betrayed, to feel physical pain, He knows what it’s like to love, he knows.

So I pray and wait for His perfect timing that is a result of His perfect love.

Grateful

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I’ve been thinking today about how grateful I am. Life has been good even when things get a little hairy life is still good. This past week I was literally yelled at by a client. But you know what it was okay. I knew she wasn’t mad at me personally. She arrived at my office in a po’d mood and just continued being pissed off when I came around to her. Not too long ago I would have taken this woman personally and it would have ruined my day; literally. But now…meh…I know she was just an angry woman for whatever reason and I happened to be in her path.

It also helps that I have a supervisor who has my back. Angry woman called my supervisor. I wasn’t too surprised, honestly. I was however reminded that my boss cares about what I have to say and she contacted me twice to talk to me first before she returned angry woman’s phone call.  Thank God for sensible bosses!

I’ve been selling my “stuff” on ebay and it’s been going really well. Much better than I had thought it would. People want what I have to sell. And it’s funny because I did a major clean out of my closets, shoes included. I’ve been selling clothes and bags that I don’t wear anymore for whatever reason but are too nice to donate. Go me! I’ve since turned that money back to ebay to purchase a pair of shoes and an awesomely cool pair of jeans. I can’t wait to get the jeans…

The rest of my sales will go towards Christmas shopping because Lord knows how fast that holiday comes around. You blink after Thanksgiving and bam! It’s Christmas!

So yes, I’ve been grateful. Grateful for a doctor who knows what he’s doing and prescribed meds that help me to be in this good place.  When you’re clinically depressed the depression steals all the good things you feel and leaves you feeling empty, worthless and just all around “less than”.

I’m grateful for my kids who love me. No one leaves this house without someone telling them, “love you!” I don’t know when we started doing that but we do. I’m grateful for a husband who loves me more than I even feel I deserve to be loved. He works so hard to give us what we need and want. And he hasn’t said boo about how short I’ve been cutting my hair, bonus points!

I’m grateful for a God who loves us enough to give up his only son to save a bunch of sinners. He loved each and every one of us before we were even born. How amazing is that? And that Jesus willingly took on our sins to save us! Just as amazing and totally worth our gratitude and worship. There is none higher than Him. I’m grateful I live in a country where I’m able to worship the King of Kings without fear.

I’m in a good place.

A new school year and other musings.

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I’ve been enjoying my new bag and the fact that my mammogram was “negative” something I’m forced to reflect on due to the reports I get in the mail from the imaging center. These reports aren’t annoying they’re actually quite reassuring. That I heard the radiologist correctly.

School is in session full force with all my girls each bringing home a load of homework. Well except for Samantha the youngest she just has an assignment here and there for now. I’m sure her workload will become heavier soon enough. I’ve slowed down a bit in cleaning out my closets. It did feel good to get rid of all those shoes that were only taking up space. I really should do a cull of my handbags next but Im not ready and too many are too nice to donate. I’ll cross that closet when I’m ready…

I’m not too eager for the change of seasons to come about. Usually I do enjoy that cross over into Fall, I’m just totally not looking forward to winter. I can handle being “hot” from the summer weather. I loathe being cold in the winter. I went thrift shopping today and picked up a really nice sweater and top for layering. Always thinking ahead to keep warm.

I’ve been thinking about God lately and I’m eager to start back up with bible study/small group at church. Groups begin meeting the last week of September. In thinking about God I’ve been contemplating what a great God we have. His awesomeness and how our Lord and Savior meets you where you are. That Jesus has such perfect timing. It’s amazing. And I wish I were doing more to spread his Gospel. The good news that we are forgiven. All you have to do is accept Him as your Savior. So simple and so life changing. And when Jesus is in your life everything changes. You change. Not radically at first (well I don’t think I did but my family may say otherwise), but things you once accepted become unacceptable. We all have different things that affect us in different ways as we each try to please Him in our own ways. In pleasing Jesus I pray for boldness that I won’t remain silent when an opportunity arises to shine His light.

Testimonies and The Gospel

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I love hearing other people’s testimonies, hearing how the Lord led them here or there, how He has worked and continues to work in people’s lives. I’ve shared my testimony here on my blog about how I met the Lord while crying and listening to “Praise You in this Storm” by Casting Crowns. Lately I’ve been thinking of how God works in my life every single day. How He orchestrates literally everything and every circumstance. How He hand picked and chose every one of my children for me. He knew He was going to give me Thomas and how difficult it was going to be to raise him. He also gave me my girls; Alyssa, Daniella and Samantha knowing how “typical” they would be. Don’t get me wrong the girls been challenging in their own ways but they are nothing like the challenges we’ve faced with Thomas.

I love how God made Thomas so resilient, that when he was 8 years old we had no other choice but to enroll him in residential school for the first time. Thomas did not want to leave us but he did it. He said goodbye to us after every visit,  many times in tears but he would bounce back and adjust to his new “home”. He’s adapted even more wonderfully to the school he attends now. I credit God with gifting him the ability to adapt to new surroundings so well. No one else could have known Thomas would need such a gift and there is no way his resilience could be learned.

I’ve been thinking about the Gospel a lot lately too. No matter how many times I think of or hear the Gospel I am so humbled to know that Christ died for us. And the way He died; brutal. I am struck at how much God loved us that He gave up his son for us. Sometimes it’s more than I can think about and wrap my brain around it. I not only believe this, I know this to be truth. It is absolute and it saddens me when people don’t get it or stay away from the church. I don’t know how to spread the Gospel outside of this blog. I’m not one to loudly proclaim it even though I know the truth in my head and my heart. I wish I were more bold in person but maybe this blog is how God wants me to be bold.

My Thoughts

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I’ve been thinking about my blog “traffic”. I get significantly more readers when I post about what’s on my mind or about my battle with depression/anxiety compared to the posts about our Lord and Savior. It’s interesting. I wonder if I offend people when I talk about God and worship and prayer. Or is it that people don’t care? It won’t make me stop and I’m not threatening to post more about God. I wonder if people think I’m up on a soapbox or a “Jesus freak”. I know a few of my friends on facebook are atheists or at least agnostic and that’s okay. I’m not trying to convert anyone I’m simply writing about what’s on my heart that day and my relationship with the living God. That relationship is the most important relationship I have. I would only hope that my written words will touch the heart of someone else reading. Perhaps open the eyes of someone who’s eyes are currently closed. If not, that’s okay as well it’s not in God’s timing to have their eyes opened.

When I write about my battle with depression and anxiety I truly hope I am helping someone who is in those shoes. At the very least help someone to understand what it’s like to walk in those shoes. I won’t be silent or embarrassed about anything I write whether the topic be God or depression. I don’t hide the fact that I take medication and I don’t hide the fact that I love the Lord. How to mesh those two topics is something I work on. I used to think I was depressed because I wasn’t praying hard enough, maybe I wasn’t “Christian” enough. I know now that I was wrong and God placed people in my life to help me. There are no coincidences. It was not a coincidence that my now therapist used to work with a former psychiatrist of my son. She called me out of the blue about 3 months before I needed her, looking for information for special needs adults where I live.  I called her later when I needed her advice in dealing with the school district when we decided that Thomas needed a residential school to meet his needs. I never expected her to become my therapist. She said to me after asking if I wanted to meet for coffee one morning, “You sound like you need a therapist”, I almost yelled, “I do!” It was no accident that she was put back in my life after not speaking to her for over 6 years.

I guess I’m back talking about not wanted to convert anyone. Actually I do hope my written words about God touches the heart of someone in need of a Savior. Honestly don’t we all need a Savior?

So these are my thoughts on this sunny beautiful Friday morning.

Identity

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Recently I was asked how do I identify myself. I started with the usual, “wife and mother”, then after some thought proudly proclaimed, “Nurse!” That one caught me completely by surprise as until recently I didn’t identify myself as a nurse, just someone who pierced ears for a living. I am piercing ears as an RN at a company that performs ear piercing performed by Registered Nurses. Anyway…we went through the other identities such as sister, daughter, and I almost forgot Christian. I wanted to face palm myself. How did I not say that first? I was disappointed with myself. I mean I’ve been a wife and mother for the past 20 years so those were a no brainer. “RN” was said after some thought and I am proud of myself for reinstating my license and actually securing a job after all these years. Being a Christian is a huge part of my identity. The fact that I believe and worship Christ affects every part of my day and my actions. Unfortunately I’ve taken it for granted. Taken for granted the privilege a lot of people in this world do not have.

I didn’t realize how my faith is transparent to people who know me.  My therapist was the one who asked me to identify myself. She was the one who said, “Christian, Menay you’re a Christian” when I became stuck at labeling how I see myself. My therapist is not a Christian and I adore her. She brings up my beliefs and how I pray quite often. She understands how important my faith is to me. I think she appreciates my faith in God more than I do sometimes. When the depression was hitting hard, I still prayed, probably more than I pray today. I prayed for Him to take the depression away. And He did by having the right doctor and therapist in my life. God placed those people here, there was no chance meeting. I don’t believe in coincidences.

I would ask anyone to label their identities, it’s a real eye opener and makes you appreciate what you gloss over or don’t think is important enough to identify.

Getting knocked down

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I went to bible study last night and was struck by a conversation surrounding how the enemy likes to strike us down, we then question “why me God?” And wonder why He even chose us to follow Him.

I started going back to church and accepted Christ as my savior when things were going well in my life. Thomas was living at home we had a wonderful counselor for him who came to the house to work on various goals such as going to the stores and paying for items, etc… She easily became part of our family. Life was really good.

Fast forward a year or so and Thomas was having potentially dangerous side effects to one of his medications. We
had to change his meds and it was disastrous. He became aggressive towards me and I was forced to call an ambulance more than once to preserve my safety and Thomas was hospitalized many times. I felt like my world was falling apart. This was
also when the depression started settling in. I remember feeling far from God. That he moved away from me. I even had a dream that I was praying and I had a big glass dome over me and my prayers couldn’t get past the glass to reach God.

At no time did I stop believing or blame God. I did become angry at him but I did not feel forsaken, just separate and broken.

I find it so interesting that He chose me to return to Him and accept Christ during a “good” season in my life and then the storms hit. I kept praying even though I felt so far away. One particular storm lasted for years (the depression).

During this season of my life things are nice. Not stress free but calm. I know He has great plans that have yet to be revealed. And even though I had a season of feeling separate from Him, God never left me.

Blessings

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I have this song running through my head this morning, Blessings by Laura Story. Yesterday my husband and I were talking to a neighbor who also has a special needs daughter. Many of you know about our Thomas who is also special needs. We’ve been through many, many trials with Thomas. And everytime I hear this song I think of him. What if our greatest trial is God’s blessing in disguise?

Anyway, when we were speaking with our neighbor she mentioned that she often wonders what her daughter would have been like had things been different. My husband replied that he often thinks the same thing about Thomas. I do think that also about Thomas. The big “what if?”  What if he’d been born “normal”?. What if? It almost makes you loathe the word, “if”. That word can hold so much. Thomas is one of the greatest achings of my life. It still pains me that he cannot live at home. I know my husband feels the same. I love Thomas for who he is now, not what he could have been. Thomas being the way he is changed me as a mother. And if I were to be able to change him to a “normal” person, would I then have to change myself to how I was before he was in my life?

I honestly don’t dwell on the what ifs because it is pointless. I tend to focus on the present and future which can hold enough worry all by themselves.  But this song speaks so perfectly to my heart. Especially when she sings, “This is not our home…”  No, this is not our home. I often wonder if when I do meet our Lord will I ask Him questions about my earthly life. Thomas being in the forefront of those queries. Why were we chosen to be his parents? Why did God make things so challenging? Why the heartache? Or will I even care at that point? What I do believe is that when Thomas meets the Lord and joins us, I believe he will tell us himself. It will be glorious to hear my son talk clearly and coherently. I was given a glimpse of this in a dream I had a couple of years ago. Thomas was just a typical teen and him, Alyssa and I were just sitting in our front sun porch talking to one another. I have no idea what we were talking about I just remember Thomas being “normal”. I know when we’re all in heaven together we’ll all talk again. God gave me a preview.