Depression

Praying hard…

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I’ve not hidden the fact that I am a Christian, that I pray, and that I have been diagnosed with depression.  Sometimes I feel like all three of those things are what define me lately.  I think about our Lord constantly wondering what His plans are, every day praying for direction and guidance.  I pray for Him to take away the depression, just literally take it away and since that’s not happening soon enough for me, I also thank The Lord for placing me in the hands of wonderful professionals who know how to treat me.  I thank Him for the knowledgeable and warm doctor and therapist I am in the care of.  I heard on the radio today, “pray hardest when it’s hardest to pray”.  Wow.  What  a statement.  I felt like this was directly talking to me because when the depression rears its ugly head I find it hardest to pray.  I find it hardest to believe He is with me.  I know in my heart He has not left me and God never will leave me but in those times of “grayness” and confusion I do pray when it’s hardest to pray and sure enough the fog lifts and I again feel secure in the love of my Lord.  And I’m so glad I did pray. Sometimes all I do is praise Him and thank Him for the many blessings He has given me. Many times just doing that; thanking and praising is enough to kick start some serious prayer session and I’m so glad I did that.

I saw my doctor yesterday. I let the depression carry on while I tried to fight it while refusing to call my doctor. Finally I just grew tired. Tired of feeling as if life is just passing me by while I mark off time. God placed this warm, extremely competent and caring physician in my path, I am a fool to not take advantage of that. I learned recently it can take a somewhat long time to recover from depression and trauma. Interesting, in my opinion anyway. I seriously thought I would take some meds, get some therapy and be on my happy way. Wrong. I never in a million years thought I’d still be in this battle. It is a battle and I’m fortunate that God is with me. I pray when it’s hardest to pray and He hears me.

Discouraged and disconnected.

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I haven’t blogged in a while mainly because I haven’t had much to say.  I’ve been discouraged and disconnected.  Discouraged because my job hunting (along with many others) has been fruitless.  Disconnected and not feeling a part of my life, like it’s just going on without me.

Today I’m relieved to admit I no longer feel discouraged or disconnected.  No, I haven’t found a job but it’s ok.  I’ve stopped measuring my worth as “less than” because I’m still at home.  I’m where God wants me to be right now and no amount of temper tantrums will change that unless it’s what He wants.  I’m still actively job searching but no longer discouraged. When the right job comes along and I know it will, everything will fall into place. It’s just taking a lot longer than I had hoped. But it’s not my plan anyway.

As for feeling disconnected, I didn’t even realize I was disconnected until Tommy pointed it out to me.  I thought I was “ok” not realizing I am missing out on my little world. I wasn’t really enjoying anything either, even thrift shopping believe it or not was not working it’s usual magic.  When you do get disconnected it’s not pleasant and you distance yourself from everything and anything. Hence me not blogging. (This isn’t to say any time I don’t blog I’m feeling that way, sometimes I really don’t have much to say)  I realize (now) this is part of a defense mechanism I have from dealing with the trauma of Thomas being aggressive with me.  I feel like “still??”  This is still freaking affecting me?  My gosh seriously?  But yes it is.  I guess there is no expiration date in dealing with things that are traumatic in your life.

Speaking of Thomas, he will be home this weekend for Mother’s Day.  I’m glad he’ll be here and he’s really looking forward to coming home. 

He makes all things work together for our good

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I went to church yesterday as usual but I *almost* didn’t go.  Then when I saw parking was very tight due to all the snow around here, then I figured I wouldn’t go if I couldn’t find a parking space.  The perfect parking space opened up, no kidding.  God was working and so was the enemy.  I believe the enemy works to find ways to keep us from God, like keeping me wrapped up on the computer right before it was time to leave for church and making the parking situation look so much worse than it was.  I won’t say anymore about him. I love how The Lord made way for me to able to worship Him when I had such doubtful thoughts.

When I arrived at church I realized how much I missed being there from the week before.  Then I remembered we (the choir) sang last week.  I cried through some of the worship songs, the words are so powerful and really make you think.  “You make all things work together for my good”, is one lyric that almost made me sit down and made me cry.  Those are such powerful words to believe and I do believe it absolutely.  But when I think of the seasons of pain, Thomas being aggressive to me and then depression I get sad and teary knowing that those are some “things” God has worked together for my good.  How and why I have no idea but I trust Him.

I was on the ferry last week writing in a journal how God plans our every move, our everything for His glory. It’s a wonderful thing to think about. How He orchestrates all of our moves in life even the “small” ones for our good and His glory. Yesterday our Pastor said, “Nothing brings hope like the name of Jesus.” Oh my goodness the truth in that statement is overwhelming. How we pray and want to be like Jesus, to want to follow Him and love Him. And He loves us and His name is what we cling to for hope. Even writing this gets me teary (I’m a bit emotional lately, bear with me) That statement struck such a nerve with me, but in a good way. I think our nerves need to be struck every now and then. Jesus is the name we call out to for hope when we’re in pain. I remember one instance years ago when Thomas was aggressive with me, I literally yelled out, “Jesus!” but not in vain I called out for help. Help for Thomas to stop. When Thomas heard me yell out it stunned him and he stopped for a moment, enough time for me to get my bearings. I needed hope so bad that day and who’s name did I call out? Jesus. He gave me hope he really did. He sent the most caring ambulance workers and police officers to my house that day after I called 911.

I don’t mean to skip down memory lane to painful memories but I can’t help it when I think of The Lord working everything together for my good, because He is in charge and His way will always be better than mine in the long run. One of the most difficult lessons I’ve learned these past couple of years is to *really* trust Him. To honestly and truly put my life in his hands. To know with all my heart that if He hasn’t already planned it, it’s not going to be. So tough to put into practice but so necessary to know.

There’s nothing like a big dog.

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riley

Seriously.  And I can say this because I also have a small dog~a toy poodle aptly named Spike.  Our big dog is named Riley, she’s a rescue dog and we  love her so much.  Of course we love our Spike, he’s been here almost 12 years.  When Daniella was a year old, Alyssa  3yrs  and Thomas 5yrs I decided we needed a dog; a small dog though.  I thought I wanted a Yorkie but the ones we say were either sickly looking or hyper beyond belief.  Then…I met Spike.  Oh my goodness he was just the cutest little thing all fluffy and apricot colored fur.  Draw dropping cute no kidding.  And he wasn’t crazy hyper just normal puppy playful.  Spike also trained super easy which I couldn’t believe, almost everything about him was easy. And he never ever nipped at the kids even with them being so young and active.  Spike really is a great dog.

So 11 years later Tommy and I start talking about getting a big dog.  Just “talking”.  You know because Spike, and 3 cats aren’t enough pets…  We talked for a couple of months trying to decide which kind of big dog.  No puppies we had decided.  I had a German Shepherd growing up (the best dog in the world evah but that’s another story), but we were nervous about getting a well behaved one.  Pitbull?  Yes definitely in the running but again we were wary about being able to handle him/her.  Especially since we’d be taking in an adult dog. 

One afternoon I go to Petsmart with Daniella and Samantha to get food for Spike.  There was a rescue group in the back of the store with dogs and cats for adoption.  We saw an adorable Yorkie mix but I knew we already wanted a big dog.  Then we see her.  Riley.  This big golden retriever/golden lab mix missing half of one ear.  Only you didn’t know her ear was missing until you got up close and pet her.  Riley let us pet her, she laid down on the floor of the store so we could keep on petting her.  Meanwhile the rescue foster “mom” was there to answer all our questions.  Jackie was great and just the sweetest.

I text Tommy that we’re at Petsmart and petting a rescue dog.  He texts back, “ok”.  I text: ” I’m filling out an application for her, she’s just the sweetest” and send a picture.  Tommy is like, “…ok…”  Meanwhile I’m  a little nervous.  What am I doing?

Jackie brings Riley to the house for a home visit and Spike and Riley get along so well, it’s unreal.  The cats are wary but what can you expect. We’re ready to tell Jackie to just leave Riley here we don’t want her to go but Jackie isn’t able to because Riley still needs to be micro-chipped. We agree to meet at Petsmart in a couple of days and we’ll take her home from there.

So almost a year later Riley is a part of our family as if she’s been here forever. She is the sweetest dog I’ve ever met. Yes I’m biased but I don’t care ;). When the depression would rear it’s ugly head, Riley was here when everyone else was at work or school. And I would think how she is rescuing me like everyone always says. When Thomas met her and hugged her, Riley just sat there with this adorable look on her face. Spike isn’t the same, he loves us but Riley is unreal in her caring for us. Tommy and I both say we’ve never seen such an affectionate well mannered dog.

I’m so glad I stopped in Petsmart that day.

Up early

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I’m up before everyone.  I do this fairly often and it’s really nice.  I’m up before the craziness of everyone getting ready for school.  That includes me getting decent hair and face going on.  I take Samantha to school but I’m not one to go in my pajamas.  Except for the barking of my dogs (for whatever reason early mornings are cat chasing time.  Go figure.) it’s really quiet.  Like hear a pin drop quiet.  So cool.  This used to be the quiet I would get at night when everyone was small.  They were all pretty much were in bed by 9pm the latest.  These days …nope.  Everyone seems to be up forever and want to talk.  Meanwhile by 9:30 ish I’m all talked out and I’m ready for the quiet. 

I pick up Thomas tomorrow for a weekend visit.  He’s so looking forward to coming home.  Every phone call these past 2 weeks has included confirmation of the date I’m coming to get him, Feb. 1st and that yes, I promise I’m coming.  Oh and that I spoke to the social worker about said date.  He’s funny but I don’t blame him I’m sure I’d be the same way in his shoes.  I’m impressed with how Thomas speaks to me sometimes.  He actually said, “Mom, you *promise* you’re coming?”  Who knew that he knows the concept of a “promise”?  Not me until he said it. 

I’m off to the city today (another reason I’m up earlier). Earlier this week I was reflecting on how things have changed since I started seeing Nancy.  When I first went to her I was terribly clinically depressed.  I hadn’t started meds yet, actually I was terrified of meds and said I would NOT take them.  That adamant position changed rapidly when I realized that no amount of therapy was going to help that this was more serious than I thought, plus I became more afraid of the depression than the medications.  When I first started seeing Nancy,  I cried through every session and after we were done I’d walk down Broadway on the upper west side for blocks and blocks, many times fighting back tears.  One time and I know this was The Lord’s work, my wonderful friend Jackie called me as I was walking.  I couldn’t believe her timing. I walked and talked and cried down Broadway on the cell phone with her for about who knows how many blocks.  Probably 10.  Until I saw a subway station for my train and decided I was tired of walking. Amazing how I thought I was all along when I wasn’t. I had the Lord with me and then He prompted Jackie to call. I love those perfect timings.

Ok, it’s getting later and I must start the chaos we call mornings. I’m extremely thankful the only one I have to “help” a little is Samantha. She really needs prompting and that’s ok. I’m off!

Life

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I remember before I became a mother, before I had kids.  I was good with kids.  I used to teach gymnastics to children of all ages, like 4 yrs to 14yrs ish.  And the kids liked me.  I knew it all too haha!  Like everyone else did before you have that first child that totally rocks your world in ways you could never imagine.  Before I had kids I had all these things my kids were never going to do, see on television, or eat, I think I even continued that ridiculous image up until Thomas was a year old.  Silly. 

To say Thomas rocked my world is an understatement.  I mean we went through the whole newborn adjustment period all new parents go through.  Then at 6 months we had the CT scans, skull x rays, the helmet, Physical therapy, etc…  I seriously wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  But we got through it.  I never would have even for a millisecond thought that would be my life with *my* child.  Never.  I , like many other Mom’s was supposed to have this totally typical child who was all sorts of wonderful and did all sorts of typical things.  I’m sure other Mom’s of special needs feel the same way.  Don’t get me wrong,  I’m not bitter woman, Thomas is who he is and I love him all the same, I just NEVER thought our lives would turn out the way they did.   Sometimes I wonder how we got through it.  Neither one of us were particularly “religious” in the early years, I know I did pray but I didn’t have the relationship with The Lord I have now. 

I remember the person I was before I had Thomas.  I knew it all man, yes I did.  I’m thinking I wasn’t alone in that attitude.  Honestly I wouldn’t have liked to continue on that path, that road of knowing it all.  Thomas broke me down and made me who I am today.  Or should I say The Lord broke me down using my son as an example to me to be different, to grow a different way.  Yes, I think that is a more correct statement. When I suffered from depression there is a part of me that believes The Lord broke me down there as well, that I was maybe getting too cocky, or comfortable perhaps redirection was needed. I don’t know it just feels that way. I’ve learned a lot from the depression, things that would probably have gone un-noticed by me if the road didn’t turn the way it did. I’m NOT saying it was this magical, mystical, exploring time, not at all. It’s just the way I feel and believe.

I know I’m not alone in sitting there wondering where that original vision of life went. I’m sure many lives are complete 360 degrees from where one started. It’s really amazing isn’t it?

Getting down to business

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I’m in the middle if writing my business plan for my store I dream of opening one day. Yes I dream of opening a high end resale store in my neighborhood (I love my ‘hood). I had the opportunity to take an entrepreneur- ship class last year at the local city college and it was all about learning how to write a business plan. Since last spring I have been procrastinating writing my own plan. Now that I want to someday make this dream a reality I need the business plan.

I feel like I’ve given myself a huge homework assignment. I’m not complaining since this is self imposed but I’m overwhelmed a bit. I think this is the direction The Lord wants me to go. You know when things fall in that direction. I’m not saying I have this clear cut path and message, no not at all. No matter what other things I think of doing as a “grown up” this is one thing I can’t get out of my mind and I keep coming back to it. I have this thrill of the thrift that I keep talking about.

If I’m wrong and it’s not meant to be The Lord will show me and point me in a different direction.

So getting back to this business plan…I know I’m procrastinating by writing here. I haven’t drawn a blank like the one I have for certain parts of this plan in a long time. Usually I start writing and things take off. It’s forcing me to dig deep and use this brain God has given me. I know I can do this. It’s not even like I have little children around anymore to distract me. Even as I’m writing this I’m uninterrupted so I think I’ll take this as my cue to stop procrastinating and get to work. I won’t ask for a wish of luck but a small prayer couldn’t hurt :). Thanks.

Don’t Say it Out Loud

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I’m talking about common treatments for depression.  Medications and therapy, that’s I’m familiar with anyway.  When I first started seeing Nancy for my depression I was dead set against medication.  No way, no how, I’ve thought about it…NO.  I was terrified as I’ve written in previous posts. If I started medication I thought I was weak or *really* so sick I that couldn’t wrap it around my brain; I was that messed up and that I needed that much help.

I’ve written about how I did decided to see Dr. L and I did agree to try a mild anti-anxiety med first and then realized that it wasn’t enough. I agreed to anti depressant medication and thus began the trial and error “rollercoaster” that isn’t fun but sometimes necessary to get the correct me or correct combo of meds.

Not until recently did I really appreciate the severity of what happened to me almost 2 years ago when I “went to bed”. I had a severe clinical depressive episode. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before, even when I had the miscarriages. After months of Thomas’ behavior not to mention years of pushing things aside or just trudging through it all, I couldn’t do it anymore. I used to get annoyed at people who say, “I don’t know how you do it” referring to my son and my girls when Thomas was not doing well. You “JUST DO IT” as the Nike commercial says. You seriously just do. You put your head down and go forward.

When Thomas became aggressive to me after years of him being so stable that he wouldn’t even think of hitting me, I broke down. I remember thinking I couldn’t go through this again. I guess once around is my limit. That trauma was so intense I still struggle to describe it and talk about it.

But getting back to taking medication. This past year when talking I found I still lowered my voice if I decided to tell someone, “I take antidepressants” Why do we still do this? Lately I consciously keep my voice even, I mean I don’t need to yell it or shout out loud but I don’t want to lower my voice as if I’m ashamed or I’m afraid other people will hear. I’ll tell anyone I’m in therapy. In fact I think everyone should have the opportunity to go into therapy. What happened to me changed the chemistry in my brain. That is not my fault and nor is it the fault of anyone else suffering from depression. Like the miscarriages I felt betrayed by my body. Why couldn’t I just carry on and trudge on through like I did in the past? Why did I now have to deal with “this”?? I felt broken. And then feel embarrassed that I was taking medications? Today I’m not embarrassed that I take meds, it’s necessary at this point in my life much like insulin is necessary to a diabetic or blood pressure medication to a person with hypertension. I know everyone always says that so much it seems like lip service but it’s so true why not say it again.

Lets not whisper it anymore I promise I won’t stare if you won’t.

To a new beginning and a great year!

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This is my last post of 2013.  I can’t say 2013 was the best year of my life but it certainly wasn’t the worst.  2012 was way rough compared to 2013.  This past year I’ve struggled with depression and made it through med adjustments, therapy sessions that were at times intense and at other times full of relief.  There isn’t a time that I think of both my doctor and my therapist that I don’t thank God above for placing them both in my life.  Without that combo I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now. 

I was reading over past blog entries specifically dealing with depression and I’m so thankful I’m not in that dark place anymore.  I’m thankful to feel more like “me”.  Good moods are not taken for granted anymore but are recognized and enjoyed to the fullest.  I’m incredibly grateful for my friends and family (both online and in person).  Words fail to describe how I feel about my choir family.  I love our fellowship and the friends I’ve made through the choir.  They are all very strong people who pray for me without me even asking.

I also don’t know where I’d be without my husband.  He’s received quite the education in dealing with a wife fighting depression.  And he’s been wonderful, I’m not just saying that he really has been.

I didn’t set out to make this a “thankful” post but it looks like it’s heading in that direction and that’s ok.  These and many more blessing have followed me this past year through the laughter and the tears.  “Silly” questions I’ve asked and wonderful friends who have an answer.  I am looking forward to 2014 beginning; I think 2013 has had enough and is tired but I hope she goes off quietly and without a huge bang to anyone.

I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions at all.  But there is one I would really, really like to keep and that is to spread the Gospel and be more bold in my faith.  We are called to make disciples and I’m am ridiculously intimidated by that command.  I know the Holy Spirit will be with me when the opportunity arises and will give me the “right” things to say.  I need to trust and submit.  Maybe those 2 actions should also be part of my “Resolution”.  Yes I think they shall be.

We are ringing in the new year with a small party, a gathering of friends and family and friends that are more like family than anything else.   I love it.  I love that people want to come to our house and celebrate with us, I love that we have such people to get together with and be comfortable, laugh, have fellowship, talk and laugh some more and usher in a New Year. 

Good bye 2013.

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

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So here it is we’re 2 days away from celebrating our Saviour’s birth.  It’s wonderful isn’t it?  I’m no longer in that crabby mood thank God.  Instead I’m adjusting to a med change and my head is a bit fuzzy. Not debilitating but enough to make me slow down a bit. However I firmly believe The Lord has me exactly where he wants me and I’m ok with that.   

My son should be arriving home today if all goes as scheduled and I want to see him. I want to see his face, I miss him. He was supposed to come home yesterday but things were a bit screwy with his meds and the school not having enough to send home with him. That wouldn’t work out well in the long run so we made plans to pick him up today in order for the med situation to be worked out.

I’m finally excited for Christmas. Excited to see our children’s faces when they open their gifts, excited to get together with family and looking forward to attend church on Christmas Eve, usually the 11pm service. Its a candlelight service and it is beautiful. I heart our church.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what our Pastor was stressing during yesterday’s service. He stressed that “God sees you” even though you may feel forgotten or not cared about, He still sees you. That message brought incredible comfort to me. I know we’ve all had times where we doubt that God is even involved with our life, but our Pastor said, “In your dark hour think biblically and trust God.” Have I mentioned how much I admire our Pastor? I enjoy and find so much comfort in the way he preaches to us. So anyway… it is difficult to trust God in the dark hours. IMO anyway. But the more I search for Him and try to live for Him the easier it becomes to trust Him. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t reached a place of total submission and trust, that is quite honestly my goal. But lately I find comfort in knowing I am exactly where God wants me to be which also extends to my family in my belief and now I will reinforce to myself that God does see me and I *must* trust him. He has his own plan. And He sees me. He sees us all.