God

Sunday~Choir Day

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It’s 6:30 am on a Sunday and the only reason I’m up is because the the choir is singing today at church and I’m in the choir.  I’m not complaining about being up (No, I don’t enjoy waking up this early on a Sunday) but it is what it is.  We are to be at church approx. an hour before the first service for extra practice time.  I don’t even mind the practice as it gives us a chance to say hello/good morning and just be together, in between songs we’ll laugh and joke a bit.  It’s really nice and kind of makes up for the fact that we’re all there so early :).  I’ve mentioned before how much I enjoy being in the choir.  Everyone is really nice and genuine.  There is no phony-ness although I see no reason for that to even exist anyway within our choir.   What I love the most is the fellowship.  I’m probably repeating myself from a previous post but I can’t help it.  To know when you really need prayers that this group of awesome people will pray for you is an incredible feeling.

The only thing I would change right now is the weather.  It’s colder at 7:45 am than 10:15 am which is the time I usually go to church when the choir is not singing.  I have to laugh because when I first joined the choir and I was told what time we had to be there on the Sundays that we sing, someone should have told me what my face looked like.  I say this because inside my head I was like, “Nooooo!!  Oh No…please tell me you’re joking”.  It’s funny though because you do get used to it and to be honest after a while it’s really ok, you just have to get over the initial jolt. I’m not a morning person but as I get older I find mornings can be pretty cool; just don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee.

Oh and the other really cool part about being in the choir is that we get to sing for all 3 services.  I love that as each service has it’s own personality.  When you’re up there you realize this and it makes it all the more special for some reason.  One or two services are more vocal than others, one can be on the “quiet” side, one can start out quiet than really get into the singing.  It’s really sweet to be a part of every service in that way. 

What totally surprised me is that people really do notice you up there.  You might think you’re inconspicuous or hidden behind the microphone or another person but …nope!  You are out there and people see *you*.  At first I thought that might freak me out a bit, but it didn’t and still doesn’t.  Story of God’s sense of humor:  The first Sunday I was singing with the choir I was determined to not be in the first row.  I was very nervous.  I somehow managed to situate myself in the second row and I was feeling good about that for my first Sunday.  Then the choir director asked someone to move to the first row to even us out.  I felt my hand go up and then I heard myself say, “I’ll go”.  What??  Who said that??  I ended up in the first row and you know what it was fine, totally fine.  I was not nervous and I really felt like I was singing in front of my family.  I was.  I was in front of my church family.  God would never let me make him look bad.

Snow day!

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Snow day.  For me not the kids.  It’s snowing here in NYC and I believe it’s coming down heavier than predicted.  I’ve already shoveled twice and I’m done. I know my husband will accomplish more with the snow blower than I will shoveling over and over. It’s that heavy snow, you know?  Not fun to shovel.  Yesterday it was about 50 degrees (Fahrenheit) here, I had a couple of windows open and today…this.  It is pretty though.  It’s a “quiet” snow, just falling, falling and making the trees look awesome and everything looks so clean.   I walked to pick up Samantha and it was really nice to walk and take in God’s splendor. I know the last snow storms we’ve had I’ve been too busy shoveling and trying to get my car de-iced to enjoy the quiet prettiness.

I think I accomplished a lot though on this snow day of mine.  I got Samantha off to school, arrived home to vacuum and mop the floors, changed sheets, made beds and listed 4 more things on Ebay.  I’m impressed :).  All while coming off one of my meds (per my physician). 

This part totally stinks, my head feels like my brain is shivering from time to time.  It’s an odd unpleasant feeling to tell the truth, but I am glad to reduce meds and I know this will last a couple more days so I’m looking forward to when this is over. The feeling isn’t incapacitating just unpleasant and makes you slow down a bit, take it easy. I have one of the best prayer partners who prayed for me yesterday after church. We are in the choir together and we sat together during service. I was emotional during worship as a result of the med change, crying which I don’t usually do. Patty sat with me after and I told her what I was experiencing and she asked me if I wanted her to pray for me, next thing I know she is saying the most wonderful spirit led prayer and now she has tears. I’m getting tears in my eyes writing this. God is so good, he truly gives you what you *need*. I wish I were able to quote scripture and be more able to express my faith more than I feel able to. But it is what it is right now. I so appreciate and love the Lord for placing the people he has in my life.

So this is my snow day. Tomorrow hopefully the streets will be plowed, my car will be cleaned off and my walkway clear. I don’t have to hope that God will be here because I know with all my heart He will and He will be guiding us and who knows who’s life He will place you in next.  

 

Up early

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I’m up before everyone.  I do this fairly often and it’s really nice.  I’m up before the craziness of everyone getting ready for school.  That includes me getting decent hair and face going on.  I take Samantha to school but I’m not one to go in my pajamas.  Except for the barking of my dogs (for whatever reason early mornings are cat chasing time.  Go figure.) it’s really quiet.  Like hear a pin drop quiet.  So cool.  This used to be the quiet I would get at night when everyone was small.  They were all pretty much were in bed by 9pm the latest.  These days …nope.  Everyone seems to be up forever and want to talk.  Meanwhile by 9:30 ish I’m all talked out and I’m ready for the quiet. 

I pick up Thomas tomorrow for a weekend visit.  He’s so looking forward to coming home.  Every phone call these past 2 weeks has included confirmation of the date I’m coming to get him, Feb. 1st and that yes, I promise I’m coming.  Oh and that I spoke to the social worker about said date.  He’s funny but I don’t blame him I’m sure I’d be the same way in his shoes.  I’m impressed with how Thomas speaks to me sometimes.  He actually said, “Mom, you *promise* you’re coming?”  Who knew that he knows the concept of a “promise”?  Not me until he said it. 

I’m off to the city today (another reason I’m up earlier). Earlier this week I was reflecting on how things have changed since I started seeing Nancy.  When I first went to her I was terribly clinically depressed.  I hadn’t started meds yet, actually I was terrified of meds and said I would NOT take them.  That adamant position changed rapidly when I realized that no amount of therapy was going to help that this was more serious than I thought, plus I became more afraid of the depression than the medications.  When I first started seeing Nancy,  I cried through every session and after we were done I’d walk down Broadway on the upper west side for blocks and blocks, many times fighting back tears.  One time and I know this was The Lord’s work, my wonderful friend Jackie called me as I was walking.  I couldn’t believe her timing. I walked and talked and cried down Broadway on the cell phone with her for about who knows how many blocks.  Probably 10.  Until I saw a subway station for my train and decided I was tired of walking. Amazing how I thought I was all along when I wasn’t. I had the Lord with me and then He prompted Jackie to call. I love those perfect timings.

Ok, it’s getting later and I must start the chaos we call mornings. I’m extremely thankful the only one I have to “help” a little is Samantha. She really needs prompting and that’s ok. I’m off!

Leaving it in His Hands

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This past month I’ve written 2 business plans.  Never in my life did I think I’d even write one let alone two.  Since this was self imposed I just buckled down and did the work.  No complaining, little procrastinating even though only one plan had a “deadline”.  One is for a grant application that I feel will be the work of The Lord if I even place in the finals.  Although even if I do say so myself the business plan I wrote for that application is one of my better pieces of work.  That first plan has a template that is specific to their application so in a way it was more inspiring for me to write that one.  The second plan I used a more traditional template and I’m not as confidant in my writing. Funny I didn’t procrastinate writing either one even though it really wasn’t imperative to write the second one, it’s good that I did because it puts my thoughts and plans down on paper.  I’ll find out how organized the second one is in the next few days.  I’ve been in contact with an organization that helps out people who want to start a small business.  They work out of the local college and the man they assigned me too has been awesome.  Oh my goodness.  He has been (IMO anyway) going totally out of his way to help me and believe it or not he lives down the street.  God is good.  Yet another person He has placed in my path. I remember a few years ago, a friend I met through church once said to me “There are no coincidences Menay”. I believe that with all my heart. People are strategically placed in our lives by Him.

Anyway, I’ve been praying about these business plans I’ve written and the future of my business (WWW.Nayaudo.com) and I admit it is all in His hands. That’s not to say I’m *really* not hoping things go the way I would like them too and I’m not working as hard as I can to ensure they do, of course I am. But in the end I know it’s not all up to me and it’s not “fate” it’s God and His plan.

I’ve acquired a body form or mannequin. A wonderful friend accompanied me to Manhattan to get her after I responded to an add on Craigslist. I’m beyond thrilled with “Sophia” the mannequin (I had to name her of course). She makes the clothes look so much more “real” than me taking a picture with say a sweater on a hanger. Now I just need to update my website. I’ve been procrastinating doing that of all things. I didn’t procrastinate writing a business plan but I’ll procrastinate playing with my website, go figure.

Speaking of procrastinating, I didn’t procrastinate the actual writing of the business plan for the grant, I’m procrastinating putting together the whole application and sending it off. Nice huh? I need a good nudge to just get going and finish.

Life

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I remember before I became a mother, before I had kids.  I was good with kids.  I used to teach gymnastics to children of all ages, like 4 yrs to 14yrs ish.  And the kids liked me.  I knew it all too haha!  Like everyone else did before you have that first child that totally rocks your world in ways you could never imagine.  Before I had kids I had all these things my kids were never going to do, see on television, or eat, I think I even continued that ridiculous image up until Thomas was a year old.  Silly. 

To say Thomas rocked my world is an understatement.  I mean we went through the whole newborn adjustment period all new parents go through.  Then at 6 months we had the CT scans, skull x rays, the helmet, Physical therapy, etc…  I seriously wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  But we got through it.  I never would have even for a millisecond thought that would be my life with *my* child.  Never.  I , like many other Mom’s was supposed to have this totally typical child who was all sorts of wonderful and did all sorts of typical things.  I’m sure other Mom’s of special needs feel the same way.  Don’t get me wrong,  I’m not bitter woman, Thomas is who he is and I love him all the same, I just NEVER thought our lives would turn out the way they did.   Sometimes I wonder how we got through it.  Neither one of us were particularly “religious” in the early years, I know I did pray but I didn’t have the relationship with The Lord I have now. 

I remember the person I was before I had Thomas.  I knew it all man, yes I did.  I’m thinking I wasn’t alone in that attitude.  Honestly I wouldn’t have liked to continue on that path, that road of knowing it all.  Thomas broke me down and made me who I am today.  Or should I say The Lord broke me down using my son as an example to me to be different, to grow a different way.  Yes, I think that is a more correct statement. When I suffered from depression there is a part of me that believes The Lord broke me down there as well, that I was maybe getting too cocky, or comfortable perhaps redirection was needed. I don’t know it just feels that way. I’ve learned a lot from the depression, things that would probably have gone un-noticed by me if the road didn’t turn the way it did. I’m NOT saying it was this magical, mystical, exploring time, not at all. It’s just the way I feel and believe.

I know I’m not alone in sitting there wondering where that original vision of life went. I’m sure many lives are complete 360 degrees from where one started. It’s really amazing isn’t it?

Thinking about things

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raj

I was thinking about a few things today.  First is our rescue dog named Riley.  We didn’t name her she came with the name and since she was 2yrs old when she adopted us last June we decided not to change her name.  Although for some reason when Thomas said “Riley” for the first time it came out “Rogerey”, so that is officially her nick name or “Roj”, oddly enough she will answer to it.  I know I say this all the time that the Lord leads us; but He truly did with Riley.  She’s the perfect blend of sweet, affectionate “wouldn’t hurt a fly” plus neurotic enough to fit in our family.  She needs a lot of attention which is ok with just about all of us because we love her.  I can’t imagine our life without this dog.  She filled a void and the Lord led her to us.

I was also thinking about prayer.  I really believe in prayer and that God hears us.  When I walk Riley after dropping Samantha off at school, it’s not uncommon for me to walk/pray/walk/pray.  I enjoy it.  I enjoy the solice, knowing Riley isn’t going to talk and interrupt me although there have been plenty of times I’m deep in prayer and not paying attention to Riley and she’ll make a sudden stop.  I’m sure it looks hilarious.  Sometimes it feels that way too.  Lately when I pray I’ve been praising more than anything else. I’ll pray on the ferry and subway and praise Him then as well.

I was also thinking about my therapist. Lately we’ve been talking about “things” and I leave feeling enlightened a lot of times. I never thought someone would be able to organize my thoughts and feelings the way she does. I realize she’s on the outside looking in but I’m impressed. I’m incredibly grateful to God for putting her in my life as well as my doctor who listens to me, actually listens. Some doctors have a “my way or the highway” approach and that can really stink. I’ve been blessed to have a physician who hears what I have to say and make necessary changes if I’m not happy. Again, this physician was put in my life by The Lord.

My husband entered my thoughts today too, as usual. I mean I think about him every day, but today I was just thinking about how he loves me and I love him. Quite simple really.

Praise Him.

Getting down to business

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I’m in the middle if writing my business plan for my store I dream of opening one day. Yes I dream of opening a high end resale store in my neighborhood (I love my ‘hood). I had the opportunity to take an entrepreneur- ship class last year at the local city college and it was all about learning how to write a business plan. Since last spring I have been procrastinating writing my own plan. Now that I want to someday make this dream a reality I need the business plan.

I feel like I’ve given myself a huge homework assignment. I’m not complaining since this is self imposed but I’m overwhelmed a bit. I think this is the direction The Lord wants me to go. You know when things fall in that direction. I’m not saying I have this clear cut path and message, no not at all. No matter what other things I think of doing as a “grown up” this is one thing I can’t get out of my mind and I keep coming back to it. I have this thrill of the thrift that I keep talking about.

If I’m wrong and it’s not meant to be The Lord will show me and point me in a different direction.

So getting back to this business plan…I know I’m procrastinating by writing here. I haven’t drawn a blank like the one I have for certain parts of this plan in a long time. Usually I start writing and things take off. It’s forcing me to dig deep and use this brain God has given me. I know I can do this. It’s not even like I have little children around anymore to distract me. Even as I’m writing this I’m uninterrupted so I think I’ll take this as my cue to stop procrastinating and get to work. I won’t ask for a wish of luck but a small prayer couldn’t hurt :). Thanks.

Back to our regular program

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The holidays are officially “over” by my clock and calendar anyway.  I’m glad, whew!  Now upward and onward to getting back to life in general.  It was pretty cool having the kids home for break, I enjoyed sleeping in :).  The girls are getting older that they no longer need me to be “rightthere” all the time.  Thank God.  Seriously.  Samantha at age 7 is fairly low maintenance and if Alyssa is home I can run an errand or two alone by leaving Alyssa to watch Samantha.  I want my life back where kids are in school, choir practice is resumed and all is right with the world.  Oh and I go to Manhattan to see Nancy and after we chat I get to thrift in the big city.  Yes I am excited about that.  I haven’t seen Nancy in about 2 weeks or so and I miss her.  I’m not sure if that is “correct” but I do like her as a person as well as a therapist, although I’m not sure you could NOT like a therapist as a person and still want to have sessions with them.

So yes I’m off to Manhattan and hoping and praying the snow storm predicted won’t begin until I’m back home.  I’m not a fan of driving in the snow, I don’t know many people who are.  I miss going to the city.  I’ve come to the realization that I am having a love affair with NYC, Manhattan in particular.  Living on an outer borough it’s easy to get to Manhattan and I notice my Alyssa will take any opportunity she has to go as well.  I’m glad because I want her to feel comfortable navigating subways and bus lines.  I love to people watch so this is perfect for me.  I know I enjoy the city so much because I’m not dragging myself there and commuting to a job everyday.  However I will say (now) that I’d jump at the chance to work in Manhattan when Samantha is older and much more independent.  If it’s The Lord’s way though.  It won’t happen unless He wants it to and I’m not privy to His plan.

When I do visit the city I enjoy taking public transportation.  For a people watcher, it’s definitely the way to go!  I’ve driven many times and it’s usually a headache and an expensive one at that taking into consideration bridge/tunnel tolls not to mention parking.  Ugh!  Yeah, that’s all I have to say about that.

Yes I’m welcoming back our regularly scheduled program and routine. We had a lovely Christmas, Thomas came home and the visit went for the most part, well. We spent New Year’s Eve with some of the nicest, sweetest people on the planet. Some new friends and some friends we’ve known for years and years. Regardless of how long everyone knew each other, all seemed to find common ground and chat and laugh. I loved hearing people laugh.

I hope everyone has a smooth transition back to their regular schedule/program.

To a new beginning and a great year!

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This is my last post of 2013.  I can’t say 2013 was the best year of my life but it certainly wasn’t the worst.  2012 was way rough compared to 2013.  This past year I’ve struggled with depression and made it through med adjustments, therapy sessions that were at times intense and at other times full of relief.  There isn’t a time that I think of both my doctor and my therapist that I don’t thank God above for placing them both in my life.  Without that combo I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now. 

I was reading over past blog entries specifically dealing with depression and I’m so thankful I’m not in that dark place anymore.  I’m thankful to feel more like “me”.  Good moods are not taken for granted anymore but are recognized and enjoyed to the fullest.  I’m incredibly grateful for my friends and family (both online and in person).  Words fail to describe how I feel about my choir family.  I love our fellowship and the friends I’ve made through the choir.  They are all very strong people who pray for me without me even asking.

I also don’t know where I’d be without my husband.  He’s received quite the education in dealing with a wife fighting depression.  And he’s been wonderful, I’m not just saying that he really has been.

I didn’t set out to make this a “thankful” post but it looks like it’s heading in that direction and that’s ok.  These and many more blessing have followed me this past year through the laughter and the tears.  “Silly” questions I’ve asked and wonderful friends who have an answer.  I am looking forward to 2014 beginning; I think 2013 has had enough and is tired but I hope she goes off quietly and without a huge bang to anyone.

I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions at all.  But there is one I would really, really like to keep and that is to spread the Gospel and be more bold in my faith.  We are called to make disciples and I’m am ridiculously intimidated by that command.  I know the Holy Spirit will be with me when the opportunity arises and will give me the “right” things to say.  I need to trust and submit.  Maybe those 2 actions should also be part of my “Resolution”.  Yes I think they shall be.

We are ringing in the new year with a small party, a gathering of friends and family and friends that are more like family than anything else.   I love it.  I love that people want to come to our house and celebrate with us, I love that we have such people to get together with and be comfortable, laugh, have fellowship, talk and laugh some more and usher in a New Year. 

Good bye 2013.

Happy New Year!

Today

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Today Thomas went back to school.  I wonder when the visits and saying goodbye will be “easy”.  They’re not full of tears and heart wrenching goodbyes but the emotions involved are hard to digest once he actually does leave.  “I need to have more patience, I wish I didn’t get annoyed when…, Why does he still target me?” I ask these questions rhetorically. This is a sampling of the questions and guilt I still carry a year and half after admitting Thomas to residential school.  I know logically he is in a more structured environment with staff who have back up thus probably have more patience and they don’t have the emotional investment I have as Thomas’ mother.  Logic and emotions don’t usually co exist with me.

I’m glad I was able to go to church this morning. I love our Lord and I’m so glad I get to worship him freely. Our Pastor read from Philippians today talking about how Paul wants us to “press on to make it my own because Christ Jesus has made me his own. (Philippians 3:12). This strikes me as so comforting to know that Jesus has made me his own. Pastor also spoke about forgiveness and, “…forgetting what lies behind”(Philippians 3:13). I have a difficult time with this concerning Thomas and all the events leading up to him requiring residential school. Have I forgiven him? Have I forgiven myself for not being enough? Again rhetorical questions that I must work through.

I love the lyrics to the song “You Loved Me Anyway” by the Sidewalk Prophets. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y8BBCYFAYRI. That song has ministered to me in ways I can’t even describe.
All the things we are to Him yet He loves us anyway. Thorn in His crown, nail in His wrist, shouting from the crowd for His blood to be spilled, etc… This song reminds me of how great His love for us is. That love is amazing.