Last night I was fortunate enough to attend a big Christian concert called Chris Tomlin’s Night of Worship. It was a-mazing!  Chris Tomlin is famous in the Christian music world and he put together a concert that included other famous Christian music artists, such as Tauryn Wells, Kim Walker Smith, Matt Maher and a couple others I can’t remember. I attended the concert with my daughter Lelly and my friend Claudia and her 2 daughters. We all danced, jumped, raised hands and sang in worship of the one true God and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To see the whole venue (The Prudential Center in Newark NJ) up on their feet united in praise of God was wonderful and overwhelming at times.

We also had the pleasure of hearing the pastor of Chris Tomlin’s home church preach. He spoke of the seven different Hebrew words that have various meanings of the work “praise”. It was so  enlightening. His name is Darren Whitehead and he’s originally from Australia. Him and Chris Tomlin wrote a book called, “A Holy Roar” If his message was that great I can only imagine what the book will be like.

My daughter and I danced and cheered and praised our Lord like there was no tomorrow. This morning I gave thanks to God for giving me the opportunity to praise and worship Him last night. It was truely a blessing to have been there.

On Friday it will be 3 months since my Dad died. It’s been a terrible time of raw, honest grieving with some sprinkles of healing here and there along with a smile or two of remembrance. I miss talking to him. Still. I suppose that will never go away. I want to desperately tell him about how I had to drive my husbands pick up truck when Alyssa borrowed my car while her’s is in the shop. Daddy had one piece of stern yet loving advice to anyone driving an unfamiliar vehicle, “Just drive it!” And that advice stuck with me even to this day when driving Tommy’s truck. I would have made him proud and he would have laughed.

I miss being able to tell him that Daniella is now a proud licensed driver. I know there will be many other milestones I’ll want to tell him and wish he were here for.

He would have gotten a kick out of my work stories especially those concerning co workers. I work with really wonderful people and some of them are real characters with unique views and a quirky sense of humor.

To me it’s hard to believe only 3 months have passed since daddy died. In some ways it feels like it’s been so much longer but not in a good healing way.  It feels like I’ve been missing him longer than 3 months. Yet some days it feels like it was only last week that he left us. I guess all things in grieving are “normal” meaning there is no normal.

 

 

 

God hates sin we all know that, but He loves us so much He gave his only son to die for us that whosoever believes in Him will have everlasting life (John 3:16).  I am a believer. I know I need a Savior to save me. We all do; we can’t save ourselves. “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” Romans 3:23. When I was saved as an adult and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior I had a difficult time believing I was worthy of being saved. I didn’t believe with all my heart that God could love me as much as He does. I’ve since moved on from that state of mind; Today I know God loves me and I know that I am a sinner in need of saving and I am in need of Jesus.

I’ve met a lot of people who are believers and have no trouble telling others they need God in their life. I have a difficult time being as bold in person. I never deny my faith but at the same time I don’t proclaim it from the mountain tops. I guess my blog is my platform of choice. At work I’ve seen co workers pray and actually tell others they need God in their life. I wish I could be as bold in person.

I’ve posted many times before that I know God has placed me in my current place of employment for a reason. It’s only through his grace that I have this job so close to home and with such wonderful co workers. There are times I wonder what is His next plan for me now that I’m there? His will be done…

 

 

For the past 2 weeks I’ve been following a diet and exercise plan called The Max Challenge: https://www.themaxchallenge.com
The diet is pretty straight forward low carb, no dairy, no sugar except for fruit and unlimited vegetables. The exercise portion is challenging. Nothing impossible to do or keep up with but to some; me included it was at first a shock to the system. I haven’t done these kind of exercises in years and I was in good company as many of my classmates hadn’t either. The exercise program consists of mostly calisthenics; jogging in place, jumping jacks, abdominal crunches/sit ups, push ups some free weights and some kick boxing. The more I participate in the exercises the more I want to continue. And the more I follow the diet the more I want to follow it. I’ve lost about 4-5 lbs and my clothes are starting to fit a bit differently. It’s such a great incentive to keep going. To see results. The first week was tough, eating totally differently than what I was used to. Well, before following the Mac Challenge I pretty much ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted so any chance was “different”. It was a necessary change. I was not going to see a difference in my weight or appearance if a change was not made.

I’m really glad I took the plunge and signed up for this program. One of the teachers where I work does it and she is my inspiration. She started out about as the same weight as me and now she looks amazing. Everyone in the program has their own reasons for being there. All different ages and body types.

Im feeling optimistic as we start week 3. I’m fairly certain the diet changes starting tomorrow and that’s fine. I trust their process.

I seriously have the best co-workers. I work with 2 other nurses, a female and a male nurse. The male, Tom is a retired nurse practitioner so he’s a wealth of nursing information. Maria, my other co worker has over 15 years experience being a school nurse so she’s also a valuable information resource.

There’s also the teachers and many, paraprofessionals and physical, occupational and speech therapists. For the most part everyone has been great, very helpful and we all have the common goal of giving our best to these students.

I am in and out of one particular classroom multiple times a day, every single day. I really like the staff in that room and I know they like me. It’s funny because yesterday I brought in that room an agency nurse to show him how certain feeding pumps work and to teach him about different feeding tubes some students have. When we walked in I introduced the other nurse and one of the staff says loudly from across the room, “You planning  on going somewhere?” I laughed and answered no. Later I asked why she asked that. She replied, “Because no one else knows these kids…”. It made me feel appreciated that the staff was worried I wouldn’t be there.

I feel so blessed that I get to work here. I know God placed me here for a reason. From the time I was hired I was told I would be working in Manhattan. And I was ok with that. In fact I  had my whole commute planned out. But then in the last hour I was offered this position, here; 15 minutes from my house. Things like that are part of God’s plan. Some days I really wonder what is His plan? Other days I just go with it and I have no questions I just know to place my life In His hands and know that I am obeying Him.

Last night at my bible study group we talked about how we will trust God with ruling the universe but not trust Him running our lives. That statement rang true with me. Before I surrendered my life to the Lord I didn’t believe He could organize my life as well as I could. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Since I’ve submitted to the Great I Am I have more peace in my life. Things aren’t always easy and why should they be? Jesus himself said we will have trials in this life. And He couldn’t have been more right. He gives us trials and lays different situations on our shoulders; many times giving us more than we can handle. It is during those difficult seasons that God wants us to call on Him for help and strength.  And He will answer in one way or another. In His time; not ours.

So this morning I’m off to work! I hope you all have a great day and know that God loves you!

It’s been 2 and a half months since daddy passed away and it’s still hard. The weekends are still the time when I think of him the most. Monday through Friday I’m busy at work and after work I go to the gym so during the week my mind is totally occupied. I was in ShopRite today and immediately thought of daddy when I passed through the aisle with soda. Daddy always drank seltzer.

Its just so weird how time passes on no matter what you’re going through. Sometimes time passing helps the situation and sometimes it doesn’t. In this case I feel that time passing does help. But then all of a sudden you get a pang in your heart and then your heart hurts because you miss that person so very much. I miss daddy picking up the phone when I call. When I would call and ask for my mom, daddy would say, “well do you want to talk to her or are you just taking attendance?” It got to the point where I wouldn’t wait for him to ask, I’d just say, “ok…7:30 pm…mom is home…thanks” as if I were taking attendance. I miss that.

Daddy definitely had a unique sense of humor. And he wasn’t afraid to let it show. When he was in the hospital he was always making the aides and nurses laugh. It was nice to visit him and see the interaction he had with the staff.

I don’t know what I expected at this time two and a half months after he’s been gone. I’ve never experienced a loss this close and deep. I didn’t think I’d feel such a deep pang of pain while in ShopRite that’s for sure.

 

Yesterday at church our Pastor started a new series called “Lifehacks” based on the book of proverbs. I loved the first week’s message which defined what wisdom is and what a fool is. Pastor John made it clear that being wise can have nothing to do with IQ, that one doesn’t necessarily have to be “smart” to be wise and the same goes for being a fool. You can have multiple college degrees and still be a fool.

So yesterday after letting Pastor’s message sink in I began to take stock of my life and discovered I am indeed a fool in a few areas of my life. It was terribly convicting. While soul searching this message I focused on myself,  I had no desire to seek out flaws or find ways other people in my life are a fool. It was an eye opener for sure.

So now that I’ve identified that I am indeed a fool and not was wise as I once thought I was, I have work to do. Work that includes listening to those that are wise on the subject I’ve been a fool about. Maybe admitting you’re a fool is the first step and is the beginning of the work involved to gaining wisdom of the subject you need to work on.

 

I’m off this week from work because this is the public school system’s Easter/Passover/Spring break. My birthday yesterday just happened to fall during the break. I had a great birthday complete with lunch out with my girls and my mom, gifts, a ton of Facebook wishes and then dinner out followed by the most delicious chocolate mousse cake from the bakery around the corner.

God has been so good it’s hard to not sing His praise and worship Him at any given time. In fact I do worship while driving by singing worship songs the whole time I’m in the car. I love listening to contemporary Christian radio while driving. I’ve misplaced my favorite Casting Crown’s CD and that’s a bummer, I’m sure it will turn up someday. I was thinking the other day about all Christ went through on that cross for us. It’s hard to stomach the suffering He endured as part of God’s plan to reconcile man to Himself. He lived a sinless life, suffered as a criminal, died and rose to life 3 days later. I love hearing and telling of The Gospel. God’s Love for us is so unimaginable and so hard to comprehend. I remember when I first accepted Jesus as my Savior as an adult. I did not feel worthy of such love. And it took a long time to accept that Jesus loves me even though I’m a sinner.

Today Samantha and I are having a movie afternoon. There aren’t any movies in the theater we want to see so we are going to watch Star Wars here at home complete with popcorn and candy. Samantha has never seen the movie and I haven’t watched it since 1977 so we will definitely have a good time.

 

 

 

 

My birthday is tomorrow. I’ll be 48. I know a woman never reveals her age but I don’t believe in being an inauthentic person. If you read my blog you know there’s not much I don’t talk about for better or for worse.

Tomorrow I’m going to lunch with my girls and my mom. I’m really looking forward to being together again. We were together yesterday at my sister’s house for Easter which was really nice. My sister and her husband did a great job preparing all the food for all of us. Especially since Wendy sprained her ankle the day before. Bad timing. I hope she feels better ASAP.

So…48 years. It’s funny because as anyone will say I don’t “feel” 48 or that I am “flirting with 50”. This past year was a year of new beginnings for me. I started a new job doing something I said I wouldn’t do again. So new employment, new appreciation for my training and knowledge as a nurse, and increased and new faith in entrusting Jesus with my life. I’ve been a Christian my whole life but it wasn’t until May 2016 did I pray and literally hand over my life to The Lord.

This past year was also a new beginning for us as a family with Thomas moving into his group home. It’s been an adjustment for all of us. And we’ve all had to adjust our expectations and what we thought it would be like to have our son live so close by. It’s definitly not a bad thing, it’s all good but I had a certain vision of what it would be like to have him be so geographically close. That vision has been adjusted and tweaked to the reality of who Thomas is and who I am. And it’s still good, just different.

What can I hope for in this coming year? To see more of what God has in store for me definitely. To have Him open my eyes more to His Glory and to have my life be a testimony to His goodness and grace. I hope for more happy memories with my family and more experiences that bring us closer to God and each other. I also yearn for more education in my life, I’d love to return to school and take college courses towards my bachelors degree in nursing. Something I started 20 years ago but didn’t pursue due to life getting in the way.

In my 47th year of life we renovated our house, something that was years in the planning. Tommy and I are both so happy that we took the plunge and had it done. I do believe God had his hand on that project as He is in charge of everything in my life. The project went very smooth with no arguing between my husband and myself. We made solid joint decisions and we were always on the same page. You hear of couples having a difficult time during a big renovated, I’m thankful that didn’t happen to us.

This past year of my life also saw the passing of my father. I can’t even write that without tearing up still. We had our first holiday without him present yesterday for Easter. I missed him as I’m sure the rest of my family did. There was extra left over wine due to his absence. Daddy loved his zifendel. I hurt more over the loss of my father more than I ever thought possible. I cry more than I ever thought possible in the easiest ways possible. I am secure in my faith that we will meet again and I’m comforted by the fact that he is enjoying everlasting life with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He hasn’t really died but has changed the way and where his soul is living and I know he is watching over us all. We will meet again.

Im looking forward to my 48th year believe it or not. God is so good I have faith that He has much in store for me.

Yesterday I had a few reminders of my dad. And they made me cry. I heard a few songs on the Christian radio stations I listen to, one particular song, “Even If” by the band Mercy Me.

https://www.google.com/search?q=even%20if

Essentially the song is about God still being good and worshiping Him even if He doesn’t answer our prayers the way we want Him to. I am not angry at God because daddy died. In fact I personally saw God at work when daddy was home for his last days on this earth. There was a hospice nurse who was absolutely sent by The Lord. And the fact that daddy spent his last breath here on earth in the company of his true love, my mom; could only have been orchestrated by the Great I Am.

I had to go to my mom’s house last night to pick up a wheelchair to use for my mother in law on Easter Sunday.  It was difficult to be in the house without my dad there. I sat in his chair at the kitchen table while Samantha, my mom and I chatted for a while. I half expected to see daddy walk into the kitchen with his walker, or see him sitting on the couch in “his seat”.

This isn’t to say I won’t go to my mom’s house anymore or limit the number of visits I make, on the contrary. I’ll pribably go more. All I could think of on the drive home was if this was difficult for me how incredibly more difficult was it for my mother and brother  (who lives there also) to be in the house with constant reminders at every turn, every opening of the cabinet to get a coffee cup every time my mother goes to bed alone and wakes up alone, we’ll aside from her dog Daisy.

Speaking of dogs I was thinking of how great daddy was with animals especially dogs. He also got a kick out of my weirdo cat, Smokey who struts around my house like he owns the place. Daddy had many dogs in the course of his life. We heard quite often about a German Shepherd named “Speed” that my parents owned before I was born. I don’t believe Speed was the most family friendly dog. Living at the garage where daddy worked was an incredible Shepherd names CB. What a great dog and I know this was part temperament and part influence of daddy. At home we had 3 dogs at one point. I was late in my teen years, early 20’s. We had Ace an unpopular lab mix who would bark and bark and steal food like nobodies business. There was Snowy a white shepherd mix who was just the sweetest and most gentle soul of a dog and finally Barney. Barney was supposed to go live at the garage where daddy worked. But he never left our home. Barney was part chow we think. Barney had a funny disposition, he had a look about him that you weren’t sure if he liked you or not. Daddy always said Barney’s eyes were too close together. That always made me laugh but it was true! Anyone who knew me back in the day knows each of those dogs and their distinct personalities. They’ll also remember daddy sitting on the couch in his seat many times without a shirt on. Somehow daddy was referenced to Jack Nicholson in The Shining”. That would make my sister and I laugh. Because daddy was a gentle Dad who was nothing but welcoming to our friends who came to our house.

Its funny what gets to some family members and what doesn’t. On Friday I had to drive Tommy’s pick up truck to work. It’s a bit bigger than my SUV and all I heard was my father’s voice saying, “Just drive it…” Daddy was a riot when it came to us driving different vehicles than our own. “Just drive it…” was his advice. And it worked!

I miss daddy. And I wonder when I’ll be able to write about him without crying.