This Sunday is Mother’s Day. I’m fortunate to have my mother and mother in law here to celebrate with. Tommy offered to have dinner for us all, none of us have to cook; a great idea from my very loving and thoughtful husband.

On Sunday my church is having photographers come in and mothers can sit for a photo for free. I think that is such a great idea. I did it last year but with only 2 of my kids present, Thomas and Samantha. This year I doubt Thomas will be at church so maybe I’ll have 3 of them there for a photo. It’s funny when I imagined Thomas living here I had this sweet vision of us attending church together. Turns out that was a nice thought, but not the most enjoyable way to spend Sunday morning. While attending church Thomas became increasingly high maintenance week after week and I left there feeling not great. Thomas knows about Jesus and that The Lord loves him so him not attending church is not the end of the world. It’s funny because most of the scenarios I had pictured that involved Thomas and us being together more often never quite turned out the way I had hoped they would. And that’s ok. It is what it is. Thomas is Thomas and we’re still his family. Sometimes expectations don’t live up to reality. Lesson learned.

So getting back to Mother’s Day…I am extremely grateful to be able to have my mother and mother in law together to spend time with. My mother like all mothers taught me so much; so much that it’s difficult to name it all. One thing in particular she taught me was to advocate for Thomas when he was a baby. He had so much going on before he was even a year old. We had no idea what the future held. My mother always said,”There’s only one Thomas…” So I always remembered that when dealing with doctors or therapists who were cold or not helpful.

My mother in law taught me how to cook quite a few meals including how to make meatballs. That alone is invaluable in an Italian family. She also taught me to wear “good” shoes. I always think about that when I’m tempted to purchase poor quality shoes. That I’ll pay for it later and you know what, she is right.

Im looking forward to Mother’s Day and hanging out with the two of the most influential women in my life.

 

 

The past 3 weeks I’ve been picking up Thomas from his group home and bringing him food shopping with me and then we go back to my house for lunch. Thomas has been excellent company to go food shopping with. He’s pleasant and follows directions and doesn’t ask for anything which is more than I can say for most people who I’ve been to ShopRite with. Today he went and got me milk and was so proud that he “helped” me. It was sweet.

I made him lunch a little while ago and now he’s patiently waiting to go “somewhere” with us. I don’t know what our destination will be but Thomas has $7.00 burning a hole in his pocket that he has to spend…today. When he has money or a gift card there’s no stopping him from spending it and no distracting him from his goal. Some days it’s amusing other days not so much. Today he’s being so good I don’t mind him perseverating on his $7.00.

I’m fortunate to have my Thomas. We’ve been through a lot together. More than a typical mother/son relationship. I think of the days when he was younger and I wish those days had been easier. I wish he was more enjoyable as a child. I have great pictures from years ago that show us as a “happy family” but behind the scenes…not so much. These days when I take pictures my kids are genuinely happy even after the camera is put away.

Its been a little big tough road raising my Thomas. He has made me who I am today. It’s because of him I became an outspoken mom. It’s because of him I learned to advocate, not just for him but my other children as well. It’s because of him I have more patience and compassion.

There is also a dark side of my life that is because of Thomas. A side that caused horrid depression and anxiety. I don’t resent him for that I truely don’t. He couldn’t help his behavior and I couldn’t help my reaction. Because of that dark time I know I am a stronger person. I am fortunate to have that outcome. It is only by the grace of God that I got through it. My Lord and Savior placed people in my path who’s purpose was to get me through the dark time. And they did. There are no coincidences, there’s only God’s perfect plan and timing.

So now we’re off to “somewhere” for Thomas to spend that money of his. It wii certainly be an entertaining time of that I’m sure.

Last night I was fortunate enough to attend a big Christian concert called Chris Tomlin’s Night of Worship. It was a-mazing!  Chris Tomlin is famous in the Christian music world and he put together a concert that included other famous Christian music artists, such as Tauryn Wells, Kim Walker Smith, Matt Maher and a couple others I can’t remember. I attended the concert with my daughter Lelly and my friend Claudia and her 2 daughters. We all danced, jumped, raised hands and sang in worship of the one true God and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To see the whole venue (The Prudential Center in Newark NJ) up on their feet united in praise of God was wonderful and overwhelming at times.

We also had the pleasure of hearing the pastor of Chris Tomlin’s home church preach. He spoke of the seven different Hebrew words that have various meanings of the work “praise”. It was so  enlightening. His name is Darren Whitehead and he’s originally from Australia. Him and Chris Tomlin wrote a book called, “A Holy Roar” If his message was that great I can only imagine what the book will be like.

My daughter and I danced and cheered and praised our Lord like there was no tomorrow. This morning I gave thanks to God for giving me the opportunity to praise and worship Him last night. It was truely a blessing to have been there.

On Friday it will be 3 months since my Dad died. It’s been a terrible time of raw, honest grieving with some sprinkles of healing here and there along with a smile or two of remembrance. I miss talking to him. Still. I suppose that will never go away. I want to desperately tell him about how I had to drive my husbands pick up truck when Alyssa borrowed my car while her’s is in the shop. Daddy had one piece of stern yet loving advice to anyone driving an unfamiliar vehicle, “Just drive it!” And that advice stuck with me even to this day when driving Tommy’s truck. I would have made him proud and he would have laughed.

I miss being able to tell him that Daniella is now a proud licensed driver. I know there will be many other milestones I’ll want to tell him and wish he were here for.

He would have gotten a kick out of my work stories especially those concerning co workers. I work with really wonderful people and some of them are real characters with unique views and a quirky sense of humor.

To me it’s hard to believe only 3 months have passed since daddy died. In some ways it feels like it’s been so much longer but not in a good healing way.  It feels like I’ve been missing him longer than 3 months. Yet some days it feels like it was only last week that he left us. I guess all things in grieving are “normal” meaning there is no normal.

 

 

 

God hates sin we all know that, but He loves us so much He gave his only son to die for us that whosoever believes in Him will have everlasting life (John 3:16).  I am a believer. I know I need a Savior to save me. We all do; we can’t save ourselves. “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” Romans 3:23. When I was saved as an adult and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior I had a difficult time believing I was worthy of being saved. I didn’t believe with all my heart that God could love me as much as He does. I’ve since moved on from that state of mind; Today I know God loves me and I know that I am a sinner in need of saving and I am in need of Jesus.

I’ve met a lot of people who are believers and have no trouble telling others they need God in their life. I have a difficult time being as bold in person. I never deny my faith but at the same time I don’t proclaim it from the mountain tops. I guess my blog is my platform of choice. At work I’ve seen co workers pray and actually tell others they need God in their life. I wish I could be as bold in person.

I’ve posted many times before that I know God has placed me in my current place of employment for a reason. It’s only through his grace that I have this job so close to home and with such wonderful co workers. There are times I wonder what is His next plan for me now that I’m there? His will be done…

 

 

For the past 2 weeks I’ve been following a diet and exercise plan called The Max Challenge: https://www.themaxchallenge.com
The diet is pretty straight forward low carb, no dairy, no sugar except for fruit and unlimited vegetables. The exercise portion is challenging. Nothing impossible to do or keep up with but to some; me included it was at first a shock to the system. I haven’t done these kind of exercises in years and I was in good company as many of my classmates hadn’t either. The exercise program consists of mostly calisthenics; jogging in place, jumping jacks, abdominal crunches/sit ups, push ups some free weights and some kick boxing. The more I participate in the exercises the more I want to continue. And the more I follow the diet the more I want to follow it. I’ve lost about 4-5 lbs and my clothes are starting to fit a bit differently. It’s such a great incentive to keep going. To see results. The first week was tough, eating totally differently than what I was used to. Well, before following the Mac Challenge I pretty much ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted so any chance was “different”. It was a necessary change. I was not going to see a difference in my weight or appearance if a change was not made.

I’m really glad I took the plunge and signed up for this program. One of the teachers where I work does it and she is my inspiration. She started out about as the same weight as me and now she looks amazing. Everyone in the program has their own reasons for being there. All different ages and body types.

Im feeling optimistic as we start week 3. I’m fairly certain the diet changes starting tomorrow and that’s fine. I trust their process.

I seriously have the best co-workers. I work with 2 other nurses, a female and a male nurse. The male, Tom is a retired nurse practitioner so he’s a wealth of nursing information. Maria, my other co worker has over 15 years experience being a school nurse so she’s also a valuable information resource.

There’s also the teachers and many, paraprofessionals and physical, occupational and speech therapists. For the most part everyone has been great, very helpful and we all have the common goal of giving our best to these students.

I am in and out of one particular classroom multiple times a day, every single day. I really like the staff in that room and I know they like me. It’s funny because yesterday I brought in that room an agency nurse to show him how certain feeding pumps work and to teach him about different feeding tubes some students have. When we walked in I introduced the other nurse and one of the staff says loudly from across the room, “You planning  on going somewhere?” I laughed and answered no. Later I asked why she asked that. She replied, “Because no one else knows these kids…”. It made me feel appreciated that the staff was worried I wouldn’t be there.

I feel so blessed that I get to work here. I know God placed me here for a reason. From the time I was hired I was told I would be working in Manhattan. And I was ok with that. In fact I  had my whole commute planned out. But then in the last hour I was offered this position, here; 15 minutes from my house. Things like that are part of God’s plan. Some days I really wonder what is His plan? Other days I just go with it and I have no questions I just know to place my life In His hands and know that I am obeying Him.

Last night at my bible study group we talked about how we will trust God with ruling the universe but not trust Him running our lives. That statement rang true with me. Before I surrendered my life to the Lord I didn’t believe He could organize my life as well as I could. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Since I’ve submitted to the Great I Am I have more peace in my life. Things aren’t always easy and why should they be? Jesus himself said we will have trials in this life. And He couldn’t have been more right. He gives us trials and lays different situations on our shoulders; many times giving us more than we can handle. It is during those difficult seasons that God wants us to call on Him for help and strength.  And He will answer in one way or another. In His time; not ours.

So this morning I’m off to work! I hope you all have a great day and know that God loves you!

It’s been 2 and a half months since daddy passed away and it’s still hard. The weekends are still the time when I think of him the most. Monday through Friday I’m busy at work and after work I go to the gym so during the week my mind is totally occupied. I was in ShopRite today and immediately thought of daddy when I passed through the aisle with soda. Daddy always drank seltzer.

Its just so weird how time passes on no matter what you’re going through. Sometimes time passing helps the situation and sometimes it doesn’t. In this case I feel that time passing does help. But then all of a sudden you get a pang in your heart and then your heart hurts because you miss that person so very much. I miss daddy picking up the phone when I call. When I would call and ask for my mom, daddy would say, “well do you want to talk to her or are you just taking attendance?” It got to the point where I wouldn’t wait for him to ask, I’d just say, “ok…7:30 pm…mom is home…thanks” as if I were taking attendance. I miss that.

Daddy definitely had a unique sense of humor. And he wasn’t afraid to let it show. When he was in the hospital he was always making the aides and nurses laugh. It was nice to visit him and see the interaction he had with the staff.

I don’t know what I expected at this time two and a half months after he’s been gone. I’ve never experienced a loss this close and deep. I didn’t think I’d feel such a deep pang of pain while in ShopRite that’s for sure.

 

Yesterday at church our Pastor started a new series called “Lifehacks” based on the book of proverbs. I loved the first week’s message which defined what wisdom is and what a fool is. Pastor John made it clear that being wise can have nothing to do with IQ, that one doesn’t necessarily have to be “smart” to be wise and the same goes for being a fool. You can have multiple college degrees and still be a fool.

So yesterday after letting Pastor’s message sink in I began to take stock of my life and discovered I am indeed a fool in a few areas of my life. It was terribly convicting. While soul searching this message I focused on myself,  I had no desire to seek out flaws or find ways other people in my life are a fool. It was an eye opener for sure.

So now that I’ve identified that I am indeed a fool and not was wise as I once thought I was, I have work to do. Work that includes listening to those that are wise on the subject I’ve been a fool about. Maybe admitting you’re a fool is the first step and is the beginning of the work involved to gaining wisdom of the subject you need to work on.

 

I’m off this week from work because this is the public school system’s Easter/Passover/Spring break. My birthday yesterday just happened to fall during the break. I had a great birthday complete with lunch out with my girls and my mom, gifts, a ton of Facebook wishes and then dinner out followed by the most delicious chocolate mousse cake from the bakery around the corner.

God has been so good it’s hard to not sing His praise and worship Him at any given time. In fact I do worship while driving by singing worship songs the whole time I’m in the car. I love listening to contemporary Christian radio while driving. I’ve misplaced my favorite Casting Crown’s CD and that’s a bummer, I’m sure it will turn up someday. I was thinking the other day about all Christ went through on that cross for us. It’s hard to stomach the suffering He endured as part of God’s plan to reconcile man to Himself. He lived a sinless life, suffered as a criminal, died and rose to life 3 days later. I love hearing and telling of The Gospel. God’s Love for us is so unimaginable and so hard to comprehend. I remember when I first accepted Jesus as my Savior as an adult. I did not feel worthy of such love. And it took a long time to accept that Jesus loves me even though I’m a sinner.

Today Samantha and I are having a movie afternoon. There aren’t any movies in the theater we want to see so we are going to watch Star Wars here at home complete with popcorn and candy. Samantha has never seen the movie and I haven’t watched it since 1977 so we will definitely have a good time.