My husband and I had a great time away; alone. It was nice to just be with him I really do enjoy his company. There are no walls, no airs put on. I can honestly say that he is my best friend. He doesn’t always understand things about me mainly my handbag and shoe obsession but he tries and is quite tolerant of the amount of both categories I actually own. And I’m proud to say that we went outlet shopping and I didn’t purchase one bag or one pair of shoes 😁. I resisted all the temptation around me. What I did buy was designer/discounted eyeglass frames and Kate Spade earrings, oh and 2 bands for one of my wrist watches. There were so many stores I wish I could have gone into but my husband doesn’t come on vacation to shop as I was told and I had to respect that. Plus paying retail for clothing is not something I do often as I prefer the thrill of the hunt at the thrift or TJ Maxx.

We will arrive home to our girls who we’ve missed and they missed us. I think the dogs missed us too. Lola the (big) puppy apparently was a “lunatic” during the time we were gone and Lelly told me that I “keep the house in check”. That made me feel appreciated.

I loved our time here in a southern state. We were able to visit family and say congratulations for new homes and just have some needed time with them. My sister in law cooked a mean chicken with rice and beans and my brother in law was his usual warm, loving self. It rarely feels like time has passed when I see my brother in law that lives here. We just pick up where we left off and that’s a great feeling.

Tommy and I also were able to visit my family; my uncle and my cousin and his wife. Their hospitality was so warm and welcoming and their kids were great. They live on 6 acres, which to us is immense property. And they have goats and chickens, that was totally cool. My cousin showed us this ultimate in coolness “mancave” that he built. We really enjoyed  our visit and I’m glad we were able to get together.

We’re waiting to board the plane. Who knew so many people fly this early in the morning! Tommy and I are having our seats assigned at the gate. I’m going to see if we can get upgraded, can’t hurt to ask right?

My husband and I quickly planned an impromptu trip to one of the southern states. Without kids. We’re pretty fortunate that we have awesome people in our lives who help us out to make this happen. My Mom and Dad agreed to take Samantha our youngest for half the time the other half the time she’ll be with good friends of ours who have a son that may as well be Samantha’s older brother

I’m excited to get away. I do miss my kids though. I like spending time with them especially the ages all of them are now. Each have their own personality, can hold an interesting conversation. They love and respect the Lord and go to church with me. I don’t think I can ask for more. And I know I’m biased but they are beautiful inside and out. We have honest talks about parties, school, etc…they’re cool 😎.

Getting away just the two of us is nice I won’t lie. After all those years of raising small kids it’s great to spend one on one time with the person you married. The person you exchanged those incredible marriage vows with. The person you fell in love with all those years ago. It seems like another lifetime that you even dated each other and had the time to spend with just that one person.

Spending time alone with my husband, even if it’s a trip to Home Depot is nice. I like my husband, he’s an incredibly hard worker,he makes me laugh and he thinks I’m beautiful and he’s very understanding. I don’t think I could ask for more. We’ve known each other since we were 15 years old.  I’ve blogged about how we met but I’ll tell the story again. My bff at the time was dating a guy who was in the same rock band as Tommy. We went to meet bff’s boyfriend and there was Tommy, sitting on the steps of this little corner store burning off his shoelaces so he could put new shoelaces in his sneakers. I asked him if he always burned off his shoelaces and Tommy looked up at me. The next thing I knew I was staring into his green eyes and I was stunned for a moment. Wow, who was this guy?

When Tommy started attending the same high school as me, I had already dyed my hair to a light blonde. He met me as a dark almost brown/blonde. It took his best friend at the time to point out who I was. We became fast friends and stayed that way until we were 17 or so. Tommy says I kissed him first. I’m thinking he’s right because I do remember him being shy and neither of us wanted to become “boyfriend/girlfriend” and risk ruining our friendship in case it didn’t work out.

25 plus years later it worked out alright.

 

 

 

I’ve not kept it a secret that I take medication to treat depression. I’ve also not kept it a secret that I’ve gained a fair amount of weight due to said medication. I’ve tried to accept it, that gaining weight is simply a side effect that can’t be avoided. I’ve tried to accept the way I look now, as that’s just the way things are. But it’s not easy. I’ve spoken to my doctor many times about the weight gain and he answers that it’s essentially a side effect of most antidepressants so he doesn’t encourage changing mess. I am petrified to change meds anyway or alter my current regime because it took so long to achieve this winning combination that has beat down the depression. For so long it seemed the depression was “winning”. I’m happy that now I can laugh again and have fun with my kids instead of simply existing on a good day.

I remind myself of my grandmother at my age. She was not overweight but a healthy weight. There were some years she loomed heavier than others. She was happily married, stayed at home, and raised my mom and my aunt. After my grandfather passed away in my teen years my grandmother lost at least 30 pounds. She was depressed due to her loss and she only ate enough to survive. She lived on coffee with half and half, a bowl of cheerios, Twix bars and mallomars. My Mom had her over for dinner every Sunday and would send her home with food and my grandmother would make that last all week for her dinner.

When I was a depressed, anxious mess I didn’t eat much and was very thin and that is how I judge my personal sense of beauty. That magic number on the scale that right now seems impossibly unattainable. My husband reminds me that I wasn’t happy when I was thin, as that is when I was suffering from anxiety and depression. He’s wonderful and tells me I’m beautiful now. And always tells me I look “nice” even when I don’t feel like I do.

The meds not only make you eat more they change your metabolism so you’re double whammy’d. And I think of my grandmother. At the happiest time in her life she had “meat on her bones”. At the worst time of her life, living without her husband, she was so very thin. I want a happy medium.

Fwiw I’m not looking for weight loss advice or fishing for comments on how I look today. I’m venting about a situation in my life that frustrates the snot out of me. And I’m not saying if you’re thin you must be depressed. I’m seeing parallels that I have witnessed first hand in my own family. There’s my disclaimer:  your mileage may vary.

 

I recently noticed an old friend who I haven’t spoken to in 20 years posted on the status of a current friend on Facebook. I thought about that person for a while. Remembered our friendship and then remembered why we aren’t friends anymore. It’s nothing scandalous our lives weren’t the same and we had different points of views. I was “broken up” with by this person at that time. At first I was stunned and hurt but time heals and you begin to see things in a different light. Actually it was my husband who showed me the different light. He has a remarkable gift for viewing situations in a way that you don’t see them at first.

I think about my friends and family  who have been there for me these past 20 years through thick and thin, who lives 15 minutes away and who lives 10 hours away. The phone calls, the visits and the unconditional love I’ve been fortunate to receive. If that person couldn’t stand the heat 20 years ago what makes one think they could have been there for me through the thick and thin of the future. I had no clue what the future would hold for my family and I concerning Thomas. I’m thankful for those that stuck around and even more so for those who had the courage to enter my life when shit got real. When Thomas was hospitalized and we had to make the incredible decision to have him attend residential school for the first time at the young age of 8 years old.

Maybe he/she would’ve been a rock to me. Maybe not. It’s true that in life you find out who is really there for you when things get tough no matter what the situation. You really *know* who has your back when things are unbearable. At the time I was let go as a friend Tommy and I were barely touching the tip of the iceberg with Thomas and his disabilities/late abilities.

I’m glad I have the friends and family currently in my life.  I never felt like there was an unfillable gap or hole left by this person. Instead he/she probably opened the door for someone else to come in. God puts people in and out of our lives for a reason and for a season. I guess my season with that person had come to an end and today after all is said and done I can’t imagine my life with that person in it especially after all the ups and downs. I love my present circle of support.  Each and every person in it has a reason for being there and  I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

 

 

One of our dogs decided that 6:30 this morning was a great time to need to go outside. So I dragged my butt out of bed and decided to just stay up rather than try to go back to sleep. Lelly and Samantha are still asleep and Alyssa has spent the night in Manhattan. I enjoy the quiet knowing it’s just me and the animals. We have 2 dogs and 3 cats. And as of right now I’m the only one awake, haha.

Years ago, when everyone was much younger I could have never imagined life like this at all. The kids used to wake me up and there was no deciding whether or not to go back to bed; you were “up” period. I used to laugh if someone called me at like 10:00 am on a Saturday and ask, “Oh… did I wake you ?” I wished they had woke me up instead of my kids 2 hours earlier.

The evenings can be just as quiet. On a Friday night it’s usually just Tommy, Samantha and I for dinner. Being that it’s a Friday night and there’s only 3 of us I’ll order out. Nope I’m not cooking.

I recently posted a “throwback Thursday” pic of Alyssa on Facebook, she was about a year old. OMG she was so cute, but I don’t  miss those days. I used to laugh when people saw me and the kids when we were all much younger, telling me to enjoy them because they grow up so fast and that I would miss them at that age. Nope. I like them older. I can get honest opinions and great conversations. I get willing companions when going to the store or food shopping. That’s not to say we all don’t butt heads here and there. Lelly is quite vocal in letting you know how she feels for better or worse. There are times I have to pull it out of Samantha to know what’s really bothering her if she’s  not already having a meltdown. And Alyssa will demand my full attention when she is doing the taking. God forbid I should be looking at my phone when she is speaking. There are times I am multitasking and I am paying attention and can recite back to her exactly what she just said but no; I have to put down the phone. You know what; I admire that about her. She will settle for nothing less than 100% attention and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Later this afternoon Samantha will have a basketball game at church. Tommy and I are celebrating Valentines Day a bit early with dinner tonight (Yay! Day 2 I don’t have to cook). Tomorrow, Sunday the girls and I will go to church. I really enjoy going with them. Is usually Lelly, Samantha and I. I’ll bring Samantha to “Kids church” and then Lelly and I will sit together. I like to get there somewhat early to get the “middle seats” meaning not too close to the front and not in no man’s land in the back.

I really enjoy our Pastor. He’s originally from Georgia and was called to come here to NYC. I like his accent and I totally enjoy  the way he preaches. He’s his own person and cannot be compared to our old Pastor whom I adored.

So there’s my thoughts on this nice quiet Saturday morning. In  a little while the nail salon will open and I’ll be there bright and early for my manicure. (Something I couldn’t do when the kids were young…)

Sunday evening will come fast enough, the end to the weekend as we ready ourselves for yet another Monday and start to a brand new week. I hope everyone’s weekend is as quiet as you want it to be.

 

 

I called my mom last night. I haven’t spoken to her in a week. I like to speak to her more often than that but life gets in the way.  If you didn’t know my Dad is fighting stage 4 liver and colon cancer while my mom battles bladder cancer. They’re both having chemo at the same time and they’re both under the care of the same oncologist.

I noticed the last time I saw my dad I guess it was about 2 weeks ago he was weaker than I remembered and his once loud authoritative voice is reduced to a quieter hoarse interpretation. I’m worried about him. I worry about my mom too but she is  eating and exercising, you’d never know she was having chemotherapy unless you talked to her and she would tell you about  the side effects she’s experiencing which are not pleasant.

After speaking to my mom on the phone she put my dad on. The weaker voice is still there and he sounded tired. I mentioned him eating more but he said food doesn’t taste right or doesn’t taste like anything, except for the pizza he had the night before. He’s weak because he’s not eating, he’s not eating because food doesn’t taste right. Vicious cycle…He asked about my son Thomas and his much awaited move to a group home close to where we live. I was so touched that after all he’s going through he’s thinking of Thomas and my family. We talked about how slow things are going with that situation and I said that Thomas will move when God feels the time is right. My dad agreed.

I’ve written before that I’ve handed my parents’ health status and conditions over to The Lord. He is the great physician and in charge of the world. I have people in my church praying for them and I’m sure people I don’t even know about are praying for them both.

I never imagined that my tall, powerful dad could be weakened by anything. Cancer sucks plain and simple. It steals strength, hope, health and our loves. Today my dad is having a PET scan to see if the powerful chemotherapy drugs have affected the cancer. They won’t get the results for a while as their doctor is on vacation, talk about perfect timing …

My dad is a great man battling a great disease. He has his still big attitude on his side and he’s still a fighter. Praying and handing over to The Lord once again that my dad will stay bigger than this horrid disease.

Our pastor is preaching a series called, “Does God care about my job?” I’m finding myself asking that very question as I work as a chart abstractor. What I do is take the paper charts of patients and put their information into a specialized computer program. I’m surprised at how much I really like my job. Some parts are challenging and some parts are tedious, but all in all I like going to work. I’ve been fortunate to work with some amazing and wonderful people.

So I wonder does God care about my job?  I know I worship a God who does indeed work. He created the earth and all of us on it. Our Pastor said, “The call of God is specific to each person. The call of God is equal to every believer.” I wonder if the profession of nursing is my “calling”? I’ve never thought of it that way especially now since I’m not working in a hands on manner. My nursing knowledge and liscence is needed to do my job. So I guess right now my calling is to work as a nurse in this capacity.

I look around and can name people who are truly gifted and I can say with all certainty that they are working with gifts given to them by God. My husband for one. He can do repairs on equipment that is not easy to diagnose a problem on. His hands are so blessed as is his mind for working the way it does. My mom is another. She’s a nurse and I can honestly say she was born to be a nurse, it is in her blood for lack of a better description. She has all this knowledge and added to that compassion and empathy. I wish my calling is as obvious to me as the callings and gifts of others that I see so plainly. I would love some sort of stamp on my hand from God that says what I’m absolutely meant to be doing.

Pastor also asked,”Do we see what we do as a ministry from God?” That’s deep and thought provoking. I would never have thought of my job as a ministry. I mainly interact with a computer but there are times I have the pleasure of the company of co workers whether they be other abstrators or people who work on the site I’ve been assigned. So I guess my ministry has already been laid out for me.

 

It’s Saturday night and we took Thomas out for dinner. It was planned a week in advance and he was totally looking forward to it. Every time he called this past week he would remind us, as if we’d forget.

We made the 2 hour with traffic ride to his school and arrived at a local restaurant. Thomas was quite talkative asking me if I took the Christmas tree down, telling me he had a nice Christmas and ticked off  all his gifts and adding what he would be taking with him to the group home (when/if that happens this month as we were told). It was a nice conversation, one I really enjoyed.

Then out of nowhere Thomas asked me if I remember bringing him to his school. The question hung there suspended as I was immediately like lightening brought back to that day. How could I ever forget?

It was a Friday the middle of June. It was warm out but not hot. It was just Thomas and me. The two of us. I didn’t want to ask anyone else to come and Tommy was at work. We didn’t talk much and I was fine just listening to my usual Christian music radio station. We hit terrible traffic at the George Washington Bridge and arrived at the school 45 minutes later than planned. I remember filling out all this paper work amd meeting the staff. They wanted to take Thomas outside and before I could ask them to put sunscreen on him, I was told it was already applied. The time had finally come to hand over Thomas’ medications. To me that was the final straw, the last little bit of what little control I had left…his meds…I gave them to the nurse who somehow understood that was my end. I said goodbye to Thomas who was already comfortable. It wasn’t a difficult goodbye. Thomas is extremely resilient, a gift bestowed upon him by God there’s no other explanation for how adaptive he is to extreme circumstances.

I finally left the school without him. I walked to my car and wanted to throw up. I immediately called Tommy I don’t even remember what I said but I was crying; hard. I calmed down and got in the car and started the drive home again listening to the same Christian music station that brought me there.

In a flash I was in the restaurant again and answered, “Of course I remember bringing you to your school.”

Since I’ve been working full time I notice it’s been interfering with my posting to my blog, or rather my lack of a commute is interfering. I wrote many posts while riding the ferry to and from Manhattan. Work also interferes with my passion of thrifting. So I feel the need to make up for it on a Saturday. That’s fine too as I really appreciate my down time at the thrift store. It is after all my happy place. Only ar the thrift does one get totally immersed in the thrill of the hunt and take a mini vacay from well, life. It works for me. TJ Maxx will  also work in a pinch. TJ’s has that same thrill of the hunt as you have to search through the racks for something good. I adore the clearance racks and I could spend at least a good hour there if not longer.

So work is the ultimate time sucker. I’m not complaining, I’m really not. I’d rather go to work than stay at home any longer. I appreciate working full time and I like my job and the people I get to meet. The last month or so I’ve been at the medical records department abstracting charts for one of the hospital’s clinics. The people who work there are so great they included me in their Christmas party and even asked me to participate in their “Secret Santa” gift exchange. I loved every bit of it.

Now I’m at a different clinic/same hospital. The people there are nice enough but I don’t have the interaction with the staff as I did at medical records. That’s fine, if everyplace were the same it would get boring so I like the change of pace here and there. Plus I get to people watch a bit and that’s cool.

Next week my assignment is at one of the local high schools. I’m thinking they have a school based clinic and need charts abstracted. That should be interesting. My hours will be 7:30 to 3:30 so that’s cool to be home earlier.

This past Sunday our Pastor kicked off a new series, “Does God care about my job?”. I loved it and I’m looking forward to the rest of his sermons these coming weeks. On Sunday he hit on these three points:

Work is part of God’s character.

God left His work incomplete on purpose.

God created me to work.

Pastor John also said we all have a job whether it be that you’re a student, a stay at home Mom, a nurse, or a lawyer, etc… We are all to do our job the best we can and to God be the glory. I love this. I know I work hard to produce a paycheck and for the satisfaction of a job well done. Truth be told I also work hard so as to not attract unwanted attention from my supervisors. To work for the glory of God is just perfect as apart from Him I can do nothing anyway. God is such a huge part of my life I wouldn’t want it any other way.

We had a guest pastor at church this morning. He is a friend of our regular pastor and from Kentucky. I really liked him and his message which was to not let your past stop your dreams for the future and he told the story of Joseph. Joseph from the book of Genesis who’s brothers sold him into slavery… (Genesis 37)

One of the pastor’s points was that The Lord was always with Joseph and He is always with us even when we don’t feel like he id. I loved hearing that,  it was a great and timely reminder. The other point the pastor made was to not let your past destroy your dreams. We all have dreams I think even more so at the beginning of a new year when things are so new and fresh. Like a blank canvas and our dreams can be painted and and designed to our precise desires.

Like most of you I have dreams. Dreams about my family and dreams about my marriage. A more specific dream is that my son will finally move closer to home and into the group home we’ve been waiting so long for.

I remember years ago when I was in the depths of my depression I wanted in the worst way and dreamt of having a full time job. I was in no way ready to take on that kind of responsibility and weight and God knew that. He was with me even though I doubted His presence so many times.

It was only when I recovered from the depression and was able to effectively deal with the responsibilities of holding a job did I find employment. The job was very part time and perfect for me just entering the workforce after so many years of being absent. When I decided I wanted more from a job I searched and searched and only by the grace of God did I land this full time job that I have now.

I emailed over my resume and I was called for a phone interview. My future supervisor was going over my resume and whether or not this job is one that suited me and my experience. I tried to gloss over the retail gigs I had listed on my resume since this job at hand was for an RN. I said, “Yes I worked retail, I have a special needs son…I just needed to get out of the house…” The supervisor paused and said, “You know…I’m going to take a chance on you. Im also the mother of a special needs child…”  I almost dropped the phone. Never in a million years did I expect that.

So here I am working a full time job, being a mom and a wife and taking care of my house, etc…. And I’m doing it, it’s happening! Something I wanted so badly and it finally came to be!  My dream came to be a reality on God’s time; not mine.

So I wish you all a very Happy New Year and I hope your dreams come true as we pray to the Great I Am, the holder of all our dreams and timekeeper of their fulfillment.