Author: MenayO

Feeling good :)

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I’m wondering when you classify yourself as “cured” from depression?  Are you ever really cured or do you learn to manage this very real chemical imbalance in ones brain?  I feel good most days. I catch myself in a good mood here and there and I no longer feel the irritability, angst, and anxiety associated with depression. I’m looking forward to the future and toy with the idea of stopping my therapist appointments. I see her every 2 weeks now and when I do see her the 45 minutes are filled with various ways I  handle situations in my life.  And we also talk about all the good in my life.

The more I think about it, I don’t think I’m ready to stop seeing her. There isn’t a pressing “need” as was in the past, it’s more of a want to see her. To discuss my life; not dissect it. I think that’s the biggest difference in our talks. To not have my life under a microscope as was when the depression was taking over my life. To say  that the depression was bigger than me that it was taking over my life is accurate. Today I am bigger than the illness. And I’m proud of myself. Proud that I did not give up because giving up cannot be an option.

Im looking forward to events that in the past probably would have been fraught with worry and I wouldn’t have had any joy in them. I recently caught up with a friend who was visiting NY, she lives in California. When I was fighting the depression I wouldn’t have been able to sit and talk with her in the easy manner that we got along. Conversation flowed naturally and I had such joy in our time together. When events like that occur I know. I’m “okay”.

Joy. It can be so elusive. And when you’re depressed even the word can seem like it’s mocking you and seem so close yet so far away.

Waiting on the group home part 3 (I think)

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Things are moving along albeit slowly but that’s okay. Slow and steady is fine for both Tommy and me. I’ve learned that an agency here had requested Thomas’ “packet” from his current school and it was quickly emailed off. I still have phone calls to make, Thomas is in need of a “Medicaid service coordinator” or MSC for short. This person will help greatly in setting up services for him when he comes to live in a group home. Thomas has  had MSC’s in the past when he lived at home. So we’re familiar with their role. Tommy and I are also meeting with the group home’s nurse and psychologist this week.  I’m looking forward to this meeting.

I have something amusing to write about. The person from the state who was previously pressuring me to accept group home placement in other boroughs *except* for the one we live on is now totally on board for Thomas to live here. On this borough. Really? The other day this person said to me, “You’ve been away from your son long enough, you need him to live near you now…” It was all I could do to not reply in a sarcastic manner but I knew I just couldn’t. Instead I exclaimed my agreement with them, “Oh yes, exactly!”

I’m so grateful to my church family for praying with us for the group home placement to happen. People I didn’t even realize were praying for us are doing so. The power of prayer is real and I’m honored with this wonderful group of people. It’s amazing how the Lord works, He is worthy to be praised!  When I look back at my  journey with Thomas it’s the times I know that God was with me that mean the most. He is always with me but the distinct times I know God was blatantly, no argument, hands down, definitely answering my prayers mean so much; how do you put it into words or explain it to someone? You can’t. You have to believe.

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” (Psalm 46:10) is one of my favorite Bible verses. In looking up this verse I learned that “Be still” is to stop frantic activity, to cease and to look to the Lord for help.In this life I lead now,  I can see no other way to face a problem. Acknowledging that God is all knowing, everywhere and all powerful; trusting Him and His plan; that we understand who He is. When I am still and surrender to God I know I can find peace.

 

 

For the love of shoes and bags…

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If anyone knows me they are well aware of what a shoe and bag whore I am. Even more so now that I’ve gained weight from medications I have to take. Shoes and bags don’t make you look anything but good (given you’re not breaking any fashion police rules and regulations). They always fit and always make me happy.

My loving husband recently asked me in an exasperated way do I really *need* as many shoes as I have. My short answer is yes, yes I do need them all. And don’t ask how many pairs I have I’ve yet to officially count. Each pair of shoes serves a specific purpose and/or mood and/or outfit. I know I’m not alone in my shoe habit. A recent conversation with my sister outed her as a boot whore. Hmmm…I wasn’t surprised. A similar conversation with my mother reminded me of her own large shoe collection.

Now before anyone cares to judge one can take a look at one’s own possessions and note if a pattern or series of replicas exist. I’m sure there is something out there. We all have our “thing(s)”.

My shoe obsession began around age 17. I bought many a pair and color of inexpensive high heel pumps as that was the style back then. I seriously have no idea how many pairs of shoes I owned but it was quite a bit. When I moved in with my husband my Dad literally filled up his small mini van with all my shoes to move them from his and my mothers house to Tommy’s apartment.  My soon to be husband I remember wasn’t thrilled. Neighbors thought my father was selling shoes out of his van.  They were asking if he had specific sizes. Good times…

I started getting into bags around 2002.  To beat the stress of living with Thomas and his out of control behavior I would surf the web looking at handbags, expensive handbags.  I still do it and  call it my mind candy.  Handbags like shoes aren’t size specific. So today  I’ve amassed a sizable handbag collection. So I’m not  kidding if I put in my Facebook status that I’m contemplating what bag to change into.  Sometimes it takes a lot of thought and consideration of what I’m about to wear and what the weather is going to be like. Yes, I have specific rainy day bags and no my bags don’t match my shoes. They’re not supposed in case you’re wondering.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Typical Child.

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Our oldest daughter, Alyssa is graduating high school this June. I’m amazed at how fast time has flown. It literally seems like just yesterday I was seeing her off to pre-school and she was crying for me to not leave her. I can’t help but remember her as a baby and how pretty she was/is. When Alyssa was born we were living in the first house we bought and thought we would live there forever. Two houses and two more kids later…things change.

These days Alyssa is driving (which surprisingly does not freak me out), off working her part time job or babysitting *and* planning for the next phase of her life: College. She’s planning on attending college in Manhattan at a fashion business college right in the heart of midtown. Exactly where she wants to be. I’m excited for her and I know she’s going to do well in college. She did really well in high school keeping up with the demands of the International Baccalaureate program (which is pretty much a super high honors program with the added bonus of earning college credits while in high school). I know I sound like I’m bragging but I can’t help it, we are very proud of her. Especially since she is the first child following Thomas.

When Alyssa was born I was so, so happy to have a typical child. Thomas was only 2 years old when Alyssa was born and his behavior was already off the hook. While Thomas was busy being his special needs self and I was attending to those needs, Alyssa would quietly meet every developmental milestone. To the innocent bystander Alyssa wasn’t doing anything “great”, but in my eyes she was. I noted every single one of those milestones and reveled in them. My mother and I swore it was as if she read a growth and development book and knew what to do next. I thanked God everyday that she was so typical.

So here we are almost 18 years later. Alyssa is still meeting milestones and doing what she’s “supposed” to do. God is still working in her life in a mighty way. We’re still attending to Thomas’ special needs but life isn’t as hectic as it used to be. Alyssa has been able to shine in her own typical way and that to me is fabulous.

A comedy show and a child

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Last night I had the pleasure of seeing a Christian comedian. His name was David Dean (http://www.davidpdean.com/). He was funny and “clean” meaning no profanity or off color jokes. Believe it or not he didn’t need to be cursing to be funny. His act was great just the way it was. Our church sponsored the free event. I went with my oldest daughter Alyssa and one of her friends and her mom. It was nice to be out with my church people.

In the middle of his act David introduced us to New Missions (http://www.newmissions.org/). They are a missionary group in Haiti and the Dominican Republic. They educate children by building schools and they also plant churches and spread the good news of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They have been serving in Haiti for 30 years. I loved what they are doing. After learning about New Missions, David returned to finish his comedy act and we were encouraged afterwards to consider sponsoring a child from Haiti. That $30.00 a month would provide education, food and medical care for a child.

After the concert Alyssa and I chatted with friends, we even left the building to walk to the car. But I hesitated and asked her if we should sponsor a child. I truly felt as if God had placed it on my heart to do so. We went back in the building and there were 4 pictures left of children needing to be sponsored. I could not get my eyes off this 5 year old boy’s picture. He is a beautiful child with big eyes. He lives in Haiti. He was “the one” for us. We filled out the necessary paperwork and off we were sent with Ive’s picture. I felt so responsible sponsoring this child. This is a commitment and a chance to make a difference in a child’s life who I may never even meet. It will be so great to watch him grow and receive letters from him.

I’m excited to start this journey.

Hurry up and wait…

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I’ve spoken to the director of the agency who owns the group home we want Thomas to live at. In turn he, the director; spoke to the person from the state who is in charge of finding a group home for Thomas. The director informed state guy that we want Thomas in his group home, I called state guy and told him Tommy and I want Thomas in that particular group home. Sounds simple right? No. Now state guy needs to see if the state and the powers that be, will approve Thomas leaving his current school before he turns 21. I’m not good at waiting. Not good at all.

We need prayers guys! Prayers that this is God’s will that Thomas is to live in this group home. I told state guy that we are totally okay with Thomas leaving his school before he turns 21. I get almost giddy to think he could be living so close to us. I imagine simply having him over for dinner, going to the mall just “because” on a Wednesday night, walking down to the “famous” Italian ice place down the street on a summer night… Not having to schedule and plan every single visit. Don’t get me wrong I adore the staff where Thomas is now and they have been completely accommodating to us and it will be difficult to leave them, but it’s time for a move and I pray this is God’s plan for us. But for now we wait. I don’t like waiting and not knowing. This is so out of our hands: But I know it is in God’s hands.

And so I pray. And I ask my prayer warriors to join me.

Waiting on the group home and social media…

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It’s been over a week since we visited the group home. We are now waiting, praying and hoping Thomas gets in. I haven’t heard anything from anybody. Nothing from the agency director and nothing from the pushy guy from the state. I guess no news is good news. I know for certain we won’t hear anything until God feels it’s time for us to know. I’m a firm believer in God’s timing. His timing is perfect and always *right*. This isn’t to say I’m not worried or anxious, I am but not in a frantic way. If Thomas doesn’t get in to this group home there will be another one out there that will fit him and us perfectly.

I’ve been reintroduced to Twitter. I started an account a while ago when I was selling at flea markets and such but then stopped. I have a handful of followers and that’s fine. I started following my daughters and their friends…haha! Should be interesting. I’ve also reintroduced myself to Instagram. I’m “Nayaudo” on Instagram if you’re so inclined to follow me. All this social media, whew! I finally feel caught up, a little.

Life is good. Still full of bumps and bruises here and there but overall good and I’m glad to be here. Scored some awesome finds at the thrift, that’s always a good thing. I’ve finally discovered my happy place, well one of them anyway. You guessed it the Thrift store. I don’t worry about anything when I’m there. I know I’ve written about this before. I just concentrate on the thrill of the hunt, what am I going to find? OHMYGOSH is that my size?! Just a sampling of what goes on in my head when I’m there. Every now and then I’ll text my daughters asking them if they want something I’ve found. Today I sent my Alyssa a picture of these awesome red jeans. Lucky brand no less and in my size! But…I had no idea how to style/wear them. Alyssa sends me back a pic of a woman wearing a black and white striped shirt and a black sweater over the top with you guessed it red denim. Low and behold I was able to copy the exact look at the thrift store. I’m thrilled and Alyssa got a good laugh and tweeted about me. One of her friends called me a queen. Love them, lol!

So here’s to hearing more about the group home and more awesome thrift finds!

A group home…

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My husband and I went to see a group home for our son yesterday. My head was spinning a bit as this wasn’t supposed to happen for well over another year or so. The “plan” was for Thomas to graduate from current school, Tommy and I would tour many group homes selecting only the best for our son. Don’t get me wrong the group home we saw yesterday was absolutely wonderful. It’s just not the way I envisioned us doing this. Yesterday’s visit came on the heels of a phone call in which I was being pressured to accept group home placement for Thomas in other boroughs of NYC, none of which were his home borough.

To backtrack a bit; I was talking with my bible study small group leader about wanting Thomas to be here where we live when it was time for him to go to a group home. My co-leader then gave me the phone number of the director of the agency who owns the house we visited yesterday. After the pressured phone call, I was upset and wanted to be proactive so I called the director who immediately took my call. We chatted and I explained the situation and he said he had an opening in one of his group homes. It is no coincidence that I was given the phone number when I was. God is so good. I’ve been praying that Thomas be placed here. Now we have a solid chance at that happening. Sooner than we thought but God works on His own timetable, not ours. His ways are higher than ours; that is so true.

To talk more about the group home, yes it was wonderful. Each resident has their own room, the age population is very diverse, and the staff we met takes their job very seriously. There is a nurse on staff, a psychologist and a behaviorist also on staff. The house was very clean and you could tell they didn’t just clean up that day because we were coming. I’m still praying that Thomas gets placed there as nothing is set in stone yet. God has a plan and we need to honor that plan. Faith in God is more than worship it is complete trust in Him. I’m still working on the trust part. Even though He hasn’t failed me yet. God is so good.

In The Car

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We were on
our way to Shoprite to buy some fruit and other groceries we’ve inevitably ran out of before I do the big shopping trip for the week after the weekend. The radio is on and my girls are talking and laughing with each other. All three of them, chatting it up and giggling/laughing, just getting along. It was sweet and I was so glad to be there. Be there in that moment that years ago I would have taken for granted. Lately I’m getting such great pleasure out of just “being”. And grabbing every moment for what it’s worth. I felt so privileged to be there, driving, being an active part of my girls’ lives. I loved that they were joking around with each other, I reveled in listening to Samantha being her 9 year old self holding her own against 2 older teenage sisters.

Earlier this evening I had the rare opportunity to spend time with my Daniella. She’ll be 15 at the end of this month. We had precious time alone on the way to and back from a pediatrician appointment. The appointment wasn’t anything special or serious, just a follow up. Daniella and I had a great conversation in the car. I love car conversations as you never know what can come up or what you’ll think to talk about. I love that my spirited middle daughter is just as spirited now as she was when she was younger. Except when she was younger she drove me up a wall. She’s since tamed that spirit and it’s one of her greatest assets.

Alyssa has been quite chatty about upcoming events in her life. Prom, graduation, choosing a college… We’ve yet to hear from one last college and I’ve been praying she gets into this last one. I’ve given it to the Lord, it’s in His hands and Alyssa will go to whatever school He sees fit for her to go.

Speaking of the Lord, I’m especially grateful to Him for giving me these girls. He’s truly blessed me and I know how special they are. Tonight I honestly felt like I was given the greatest gifts in my girls. Thomas is a blessing in his own right but my 3 girls are like jewels. Each one sparkles in their own way and each one is different than the other.

I’m glad to be here to enjoy them.

Being In The Now.

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The other day (my birthday) my husband and I were talking about when we were younger and dating. We began dating around age 17 but met when we were 15 years old. He asked me when did I know that I wanted to marry him. I told him I remember it vividly. We were driving on the highway towards my house (my Mom and Dad’s house). We were talking about how we were back together after a breakup fueled by teen angst. I remember feeling that this was permanent. I was going to marry this boy. We were about 18 years old at the time. This isn’t to say we dated happily ever after. There were a few more teen angst break ups along the road to engagement time. But I am glad we stayed together and eventually married. He really is my best friend.

I also asked my husband if he ever wanted to “go back” like to when we were younger say in our early 20’s. Tommy answered that only if he could know what he knows now. Smart man. I find it amusing that I can remember so well something that happened over 20 years ago yet my kids ask me if I remember something from a couple of years ago and I’m completely clueless. A couple of years ago was during my depression and I didn’t ever feel “in the moment” like I do now. Today I feel so in the present and I’m glad to be here. I’m glad I have the state of mind that I do. I didn’t realize how detached I was back then until I’m asked to remember something.

I don’t like staying in a remembrance of the past. It was really nice a couple of weeks ago when we got together with old friends from years ago/high school. It was nice to reminisce but it was equally as nice to talk about our lives now, our kids now, us as a whole now; to be in the present with people from the past.

I’m so thankful to be a part of the “now”.