Author: MenayO

Tattoos

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I want another one. I currently have 4. I need another one. It’s funny because when I was depressed I never thought about anything other than getting through the day. Now I look forward to the next day and right now the next tattoo. I plan to get the tattoo on my left thigh. I will only get tattoos where they can easily be covered up. But that’s me.

3 out of my 4 tattoos have meaning which I’m sure most people’s do. My first one is a butterfly on my left ankle. There’s not much “meaning” other than it was my first. My second is a butterfly on my left back. It’s a butterfly that is taking flight. At that time in my life I felt unsettled and I was looking to fly I just didn’t know it. We were living in New Jersey at the time and I was not happy living there. Hence wanting to take flight. My third tattoo is a tribal (solid black) butterfly settling to land on my left shoulder. At the time I had that one done we had moved back to Staten Island and I knew we were here to stay and that I was ready to put down roots. I love that tattoo.  My final and fourth tattoo on my left foot  is a dandelion being blown into the wind with the dandelion strands turning into birds. . There are 4 birds one for each of my children. The birds range from small to big with the biggest being my oldest, Thomas and the smallest is Samantha, my youngest. I asked the artist to add two very small yellow birds to represent my two miscarriages. You can barely see the yellow birds and that’s ok; I know they’re there.

I almost can’t wait to get the next one. Yes it will hurt but it’s a pain you get used to when the artist is working on you. Hard to explain to someone who’s never gotten a tattoo. But it you have one or two or five and you’re reading this, you understand.

Ruminating

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I’ve been thinking lately about what I want to do with my life in the near future. I’m actively job hunting. I do enjoy the job I have now it’s just not enough hours. I currently work 2 days per week. I would love another day or two but I don’t see that happening.

I’ve also been praying to God for Him to open the door to another job. Whether He will or not is His will and not something I can control. I’ve accepted that. Maybe He wants me where I am for now for whatever reason. In the meantime I search optimistically and ruminate about what direction I want to take.

I’d rather not work in a hospital or nursing home. I’d prefer an office. I’ve decided right now to stay in the nursing profession. God doesn’t make mistakes and I’m here for a reason. I don’t particularly want to return to school which is what I would have to do to make a total career change.

God does have the perfect job picked out for me I simply need the patience to wait on Him. In the meantime I pray, take care of my family, work my part time job and exercise my love of the thrift.

Joy

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I’ve been reminiscing in my past couple of blog posts. How the depression knocked me down and how bad things became with Thomas after his medication change.

I’m not in that place any longer. It feels good in some way to revisit those times. Even though they weren’t happy times I learned a lot about myself, my son and also my marriage.

I have joy these days. Joy in Christ. Joy knowing my Savior lives. Joy in worshipping a God who loves me. I have joy in my identity in Christ and in knowing my sins are forgiven. I have joy in the Gospel.

That’s not to say I don’t worry or have anxiety. I do. But those times aren’t as intense as they used to be and for that I give God the glory.

Getting knocked down

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I went to bible study last night and was struck by a conversation surrounding how the enemy likes to strike us down, we then question “why me God?” And wonder why He even chose us to follow Him.

I started going back to church and accepted Christ as my savior when things were going well in my life. Thomas was living at home we had a wonderful counselor for him who came to the house to work on various goals such as going to the stores and paying for items, etc… She easily became part of our family. Life was really good.

Fast forward a year or so and Thomas was having potentially dangerous side effects to one of his medications. We
had to change his meds and it was disastrous. He became aggressive towards me and I was forced to call an ambulance more than once to preserve my safety and Thomas was hospitalized many times. I felt like my world was falling apart. This was
also when the depression started settling in. I remember feeling far from God. That he moved away from me. I even had a dream that I was praying and I had a big glass dome over me and my prayers couldn’t get past the glass to reach God.

At no time did I stop believing or blame God. I did become angry at him but I did not feel forsaken, just separate and broken.

I find it so interesting that He chose me to return to Him and accept Christ during a “good” season in my life and then the storms hit. I kept praying even though I felt so far away. One particular storm lasted for years (the depression).

During this season of my life things are nice. Not stress free but calm. I know He has great plans that have yet to be revealed. And even though I had a season of feeling separate from Him, God never left me.

Blessings

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I have this song running through my head this morning, Blessings by Laura Story. Yesterday my husband and I were talking to a neighbor who also has a special needs daughter. Many of you know about our Thomas who is also special needs. We’ve been through many, many trials with Thomas. And everytime I hear this song I think of him. What if our greatest trial is God’s blessing in disguise?

Anyway, when we were speaking with our neighbor she mentioned that she often wonders what her daughter would have been like had things been different. My husband replied that he often thinks the same thing about Thomas. I do think that also about Thomas. The big “what if?”  What if he’d been born “normal”?. What if? It almost makes you loathe the word, “if”. That word can hold so much. Thomas is one of the greatest achings of my life. It still pains me that he cannot live at home. I know my husband feels the same. I love Thomas for who he is now, not what he could have been. Thomas being the way he is changed me as a mother. And if I were to be able to change him to a “normal” person, would I then have to change myself to how I was before he was in my life?

I honestly don’t dwell on the what ifs because it is pointless. I tend to focus on the present and future which can hold enough worry all by themselves.  But this song speaks so perfectly to my heart. Especially when she sings, “This is not our home…”  No, this is not our home. I often wonder if when I do meet our Lord will I ask Him questions about my earthly life. Thomas being in the forefront of those queries. Why were we chosen to be his parents? Why did God make things so challenging? Why the heartache? Or will I even care at that point? What I do believe is that when Thomas meets the Lord and joins us, I believe he will tell us himself. It will be glorious to hear my son talk clearly and coherently. I was given a glimpse of this in a dream I had a couple of years ago. Thomas was just a typical teen and him, Alyssa and I were just sitting in our front sun porch talking to one another. I have no idea what we were talking about I just remember Thomas being “normal”. I know when we’re all in heaven together we’ll all talk again. God gave me a preview.

His Presence

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God’s presence in our lives is so important. It’s something you don’t realize you have until you feel it is missing. His presence is real and it is powerful. I feel so blessed to have our Lord’s presence in my life.

When I was depressed I missed God’s presence. The depression makes you feel alone and forgotten. I still prayed and believed don’t get me wrong I probably prayed more when I was depressed than I do when I’m not depressed. Or rather I pray differently. These days I pray more in praise of His greatness than for healing. It makes sense now that I’m in a different place.

Today our Pastor preached about “Jars of clay” and how that is what we are as Christians. But we contain a treasure which is the Gospel. I loved it. To know that we carry such a powerful message and it is our charge to spread that message. That Jesus poured himself out and died for us. Sinners. This message is one that we should not contain yet we do.  I do anyway. I don’t see myself as a minister even though that is what I am according to my Pastor. I worry that when presented with a situation to spread the Gospel I will fail. I will fail the Lord and Savior I worship. My only calming thought is that the Holy Spirit will not fail me and carry me and my words to exactly who and where they’re supposed to be. I wish for boldness in spreading the Gospel.

His presence surrounds us and I never forget His promise that He will never leave or forsake us. Those truths are what keep me centered and focused.  We serve a mighty and wonderful God.

Thrifting day!

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Today I was in Manhattan and I *had* to stop by my favorite Salvation Army on the upper West side.  To be honest I was there to see my therapist and lucky for me she’s near the thrift store :).  As my dad said, I had a whole morning of “therapy”.  He was right!

I first found amazing brand new Vince slip on sneakers.  Did I mention they were brand new??                                               I was ecstatic to find they fit me perfectly .vincesneakers

On to the the clothing section!  There I found a perfect pink t shirt by Splendid, an awesome Free People tank, Joe’s Jeans shorts and Citizens of Humanity skinny jeans!

joes jeans

I then took a look behind the glass case where they keep the sunglasses and jewelry.  None of the jewelry caught my eye but these sunglasses sure did.  Oversized tortoise frame, oh my!  I asked to see them and I was thrilled to find out they are Vera Wang, still being sold online.

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And bonus selfie wearing said sunglasses

verawangselfie

I know they are a little big (haha) but I don’t care I love them!

Giving God the credit.

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I’ve been thinking lately how I haven’t been giving God the credit/glory for my life.  For my husband, my family, my depression being lifted.  Here I am feeling healthy for the first time in a long time and I have the nerve to not give God the glory. I credited my doctor for finding the right medication to prescribe but truth is if it weren’t for God who placed this doctor in my life to begin with I wouldn’t be where I am right now. I had been frustrated that it took as long as it did to find the right medication. There is a reason it took as long as it did. What that reason is? I have no idea but I know it is part of His master plan. God always has a plan. We’re just not always privy to what that plan is.

I think of my testimony of the first time I met the Lord. Thomas was in and out of the psychiatric hospital. And I was angry, so very angry. Angry at God for not letting me “in” to know his plan. I’d never been angry like this before, my husband was even concerned.  My friend Toni suggested I listen to the song by Casting Crowns, “Praise you in this storm”. I’d heard the song many times before, I even sang along to it if it played on the radion. I put the CD in while driving home after dropping Samantha off at pre-K one morning.  As the song played I began crying, and crying. While stopped at a red light (at an intersection I’ll never forget) I had the distinct vision of Jesus standing behind me.  While I was crying I envisioned Him cupping his hand and collecting my tears.  It was beautiful. I drove home in peace and had peace from then on. I was no longer angry at God. I realized He did have a plan and I only needed to trust in Him.

I think now of the trust I had then. I need to always have that trust and know that He is God and nothing is by accident or coincidence. There was no mistake in the medications I tried and they didn’t work. There are reasons only known by Him why I had to go through that storm. And it is by His grace that I came through the storm and I can talk about it.

Life~I’ve been happy

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LIfe’s been good.  Today is Thomas’ prom and we’re going, the whole family plus Alyssa’s boyfriend. We will have a good time I know. Thomas is really looking forward to it and on the phone happily told me all about the new clothes he recently shopped for along with new shoes.  He will look so handsome! We’re bringing him home after the prom and on Saturday we will celebrate my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary with a party. My sister did about all of the work related to the party. I can’t thank her enough.

Alyssa and I have toured 2 colleges in Manhattan.  She’s a junior in high school set to graduate next year. I can’t believe we’re looking at colleges for crying out loud, it seems like just yesterday she was in grade school and Samantha was just born.

So as my title says I’ve been happy. I love feeling this way. It’s so “normal” I’m not detached or depressed. I don’t feel like I have to “work” at being myself. It’s all good. I’m still seeing my therapist but it’s different now. I’m not searching for anything, mostly we just talk about life, or rather I talk about my life.  The “usual” circumstances that happen when you have children of various ages. It’s a good talk.

I really enjoy church. I’m really trying lately to understand “is God enough?” I feel like my eyes have been opened recently in realizing that I have other things and people in front of God and this is not right. I need for Him to be first. I want for Him to be first.  I’ve also stopped comparing my family to others. I didn’t realize I was doing this until I stopped and had a realization that God has given me the people in my family. He hand chose them and me to be together in this lifetime. I haven’t been discouraged in my walk with the Lord, rather He’s made me pause and think and appreciate all that I’ve taken for granted. My family, my husband and even God. I hope to have a more grateful approach to life.

So Its Been Even Longer…

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It’s been quite some time since I last blogged. To be honest I wasn’t feeling all that well depression wise. I didn’t realize the depression was back and was just going through the motions. It took a very honest session with my therapist and her literally telling me to call my doctor. That I needed to see him and have things taken care of. I didn’t realize how detached I had become. My husband did mention how quiet I’d become but I didn’t have the insight to see how things, how I had become. I did see my doctor and he introduced a new (to me) med and I’m happy to announce I am feeling much better much more present in life if that makes sense. I didn’t realize I was just going through the motions and trying to pretend all was well. Now that I’m feeling better I’m actually enjoying my life, my husband, my children. It’s nice to be present. I even cut my hair. Short. Really short. And I love it. A few people in person felt the need to reassure me that “it will grow back”. The depressed me would have gotten angry at such a statement, the me of today laughs at such. I mean seriously it’s only hair and I meant to have it cut like this it wasn’t a tragic hair accident.

Thomas’ prom is coming up at the end of this month and we’re really looking forward to it. It’s just the coolest to see him and all the other kids dressed up and having such a great time.

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