I said I didn’t really have a meaning other than celebrating life for this tattoo, but my soul sister in Wisconsin figured it out for me. The feathers-the heavy load has been lifted and my mind is as light as a feather; the vines- the growth…the vines are intertwined just like the journey in life and there’s always growth. The lines: the band that has it all together on top, God, my marriage and my children. I love that she figured me out. Love you Jackie 🙂
Author: MenayO
New ink !
So… I did it, I got the tattoo I’ve been wanting. It’s different from what I originally saw online but that’s ok, the artist’s son designed it. The tattoo is on my left leg. One of my best friends asked me what this tattoo meant and I didn’t think it did have a meaning until I sat and thought about the question. I find this tattoo is me celebrating life, coming out of the depression and just enjoying being me. Here is a not so great picture of my new ink.
Good mood
I’m in a good mood. Life is so good and I’m happy to be a part of it. I went to the tattoo shop to have my nose ring changed and I chose a star stud. It’s bigger than the very small stud that was there before and I love it. I really wanted to go with an actual ring but my husband talked me out of it a couple of weeks ago. And that’s fine. So while I’m there I showed the tattoo artist the new tattoo I want, his son is designing it as we speak! I can’t wait for him to finish so I can get it. I would have gotten it last night at my husband’s urging but the artist wasn’t ready; damn, lol!
I was in Manhattan today for work and it’s so nice to be in the city. To be a part of life and the hustle and bustle. I do love New York City. One of the deck hands on the ferry complimented my hair, talk about making a girl feel good!
I’m still hoping my supervisor would offer another day to work; if not I guess it’s not meant to be.. I’ve decided that I’m exactly where God wants me to be. I’ve taken a break from looking for another job. If God wants me somewhere else He’ll open that door or window at his own time, not mine. I do pray for a “window” to open, I mean it can’t hurt right?
I’m so thankful I have such a God in my life. That He would give his only son to die for my and your sins. It’s humbling. And I’m grateful. I’m happy to be here to say He is enough. His grace is enough. What else can I say about our God, He is wonderful and I feel so blessed in this life.
Transparency and Radio Preachers
I envy those who write with such transparency. Raw-ness. I strive to be like that. I recently read a blog post about the Semicolon Project http://www.thesemicolonproject.com/. Their statement is: “A SEMICOLON REPRESENTS A SENTENCE THE AUTHOR COULD HAVE ENDED, BUT CHOSE NOT TO. THAT AUTHOR IS YOU AND THE SENTENCE IS YOUR LIFE.”
This blog post really struck me as I have been there. I’ve been in that dark place where I wanted to end my sentence. But I didn’t. Instead I was saved by a radio Pastor. I was on my way to visit Thomas in the psychiatric hospital and I honestly thought this world would be a better place without me in it. The only thing that kept me here was my husband and my girls. I wasn’t worried so much about Thomas as he was the catalyst to my depression. Anyway, I was driving and I liked to listen to a Syrus radio station called “Family Talk” or something like that. It was a station that, every half hour was a different talk from a different Pastor. The only name I can recall was David Jeremiah but I don’t know if he was the one who was preaching. So here I am driving and listening to Pastors’ preach and this one Pastor began talking about suicide. He didn’t say how evil it was and how you were going to hell for taking your own life. No, this Pastor talked about what a gift we were from God. How our bodies were a gift. And why would anyone want to hurt something that was a gift from God? I’ll never forget that sunny afternoon and that Pastor from the radio and how he literally saved my life. I’ll also never forget that I have a God who was thoughtful enough to put me and that radio Pastor together on that afternoon.
So reading about “The Semicolon Project” brought it all back. But it’s ok because I don’t recall that time with tears. Instead I remember it as if I’m remembering a movie I watched. It all seems so far away especially considering where I am now. I’m in a place of peace and I’m happy. Thanks be to God and the right meds.
Blogging and Popularity
I was wondering what I have to blog about to get a lot of traffic. Part of me doesn’t care all that much since I mainly blog for myself and share with everyone what I’m thinking about at that moment. But… there’s another part of me that wonders what it is like to be a popular blogger with a ton of readers. I don’t blog about anything controversial or obnoxious. I do blog about my life and my relationship with God. I also write about how life was like when I was depressed (clinically depressed not just a sad mood).
I find myself holding back many times. Whether it be to protect myself or the feelings of others. There is so much about my depression especially the very dark times I haven’t written about. I wonder who I am protecting? Myself; my family? I read some bloggers who have total transparency and I am envious of them. Envious of the ability to be so very open and raw.
For example I never wrote about how deeply I was depressed. It was a very dark time in my life and to be perfectly honest I really felt the world would be better off without me. The only thing that kept me hanging on was my husband and my girls. I wasn’t worried about Thomas as he was the catalyst to my depression. One afternoon I was driving the 2 hours to visit Thomas in the psychiatric hospital and I was listening to a Christian satellite radio station. The station was called “Family Talk” or something like that on Syrus. Every half hour they would play a sermon from well known pastors. I remember David Jeremiah was one of them. Anyway, this particular afternoon during this dark time in my life; the Pastor (who’s name I don’t remember) spoke about suicide. This was definitely from God as no one on this earth knew how I was feeling. This pastor didn’t condemn people and say you were going to hell if you harmed yourself. Instead he spoke of the beauty of oursleves and how our bodies were gifts from God and why would anyone want to hurt God’s gift? I’ll never forget that day or that Pastor because he saved my life. I remember the highway I was driving on and that it was a sunny day. I’m so very thankful to that nameless Pastor and thankful I have a God who cares enough about me to put me and that Pastor together one afternoon.
I’m no longer in that place praise God and new meds. I’m pretty happy with my life right now but that dark time is not something you ever forget. And you have an all new insight and empathy for others going through the same thing. When you hear of someone who did in fact take their own life you understand the pain and despair and I personally thank God for taking me out of that place.
The Ferry
I love to people watch. Especially on my way to Manhattan. It makes the commute all the more interesting. There is every walk of life at the ferry terminal. Everyone has a story. Everyone is going someplace. On the ferry during the week women are applying makeup and/or doing their hair, either in the ladies room or right there at their seat. Today (Saturday) on the Manhattan bound ferry there’s standing room only at the ladies room mirror.
New Yorkers are stereotyped as being rude. I don’t believe so and haven’t been witness to such rudeness. Quite honestly I find the tourists to be a bit on the rude side especially when boarding the ferry on the Manhattan side. In my experience even the homeless are polite when asking for money. If you haven’t noticed already, I love New York. I love living here.
Tattoos
I want another one. I currently have 4. I need another one. It’s funny because when I was depressed I never thought about anything other than getting through the day. Now I look forward to the next day and right now the next tattoo. I plan to get the tattoo on my left thigh. I will only get tattoos where they can easily be covered up. But that’s me.
3 out of my 4 tattoos have meaning which I’m sure most people’s do. My first one is a butterfly on my left ankle. There’s not much “meaning” other than it was my first. My second is a butterfly on my left back. It’s a butterfly that is taking flight. At that time in my life I felt unsettled and I was looking to fly I just didn’t know it. We were living in New Jersey at the time and I was not happy living there. Hence wanting to take flight. My third tattoo is a tribal (solid black) butterfly settling to land on my left shoulder. At the time I had that one done we had moved back to Staten Island and I knew we were here to stay and that I was ready to put down roots. I love that tattoo. My final and fourth tattoo on my left foot is a dandelion being blown into the wind with the dandelion strands turning into birds. . There are 4 birds one for each of my children. The birds range from small to big with the biggest being my oldest, Thomas and the smallest is Samantha, my youngest. I asked the artist to add two very small yellow birds to represent my two miscarriages. You can barely see the yellow birds and that’s ok; I know they’re there.
I almost can’t wait to get the next one. Yes it will hurt but it’s a pain you get used to when the artist is working on you. Hard to explain to someone who’s never gotten a tattoo. But it you have one or two or five and you’re reading this, you understand.
Ruminating
I’ve been thinking lately about what I want to do with my life in the near future. I’m actively job hunting. I do enjoy the job I have now it’s just not enough hours. I currently work 2 days per week. I would love another day or two but I don’t see that happening.
I’ve also been praying to God for Him to open the door to another job. Whether He will or not is His will and not something I can control. I’ve accepted that. Maybe He wants me where I am for now for whatever reason. In the meantime I search optimistically and ruminate about what direction I want to take.
I’d rather not work in a hospital or nursing home. I’d prefer an office. I’ve decided right now to stay in the nursing profession. God doesn’t make mistakes and I’m here for a reason. I don’t particularly want to return to school which is what I would have to do to make a total career change.
God does have the perfect job picked out for me I simply need the patience to wait on Him. In the meantime I pray, take care of my family, work my part time job and exercise my love of the thrift.
Joy
I’ve been reminiscing in my past couple of blog posts. How the depression knocked me down and how bad things became with Thomas after his medication change.
I’m not in that place any longer. It feels good in some way to revisit those times. Even though they weren’t happy times I learned a lot about myself, my son and also my marriage.
I have joy these days. Joy in Christ. Joy knowing my Savior lives. Joy in worshipping a God who loves me. I have joy in my identity in Christ and in knowing my sins are forgiven. I have joy in the Gospel.
That’s not to say I don’t worry or have anxiety. I do. But those times aren’t as intense as they used to be and for that I give God the glory.
Getting knocked down
I went to bible study last night and was struck by a conversation surrounding how the enemy likes to strike us down, we then question “why me God?” And wonder why He even chose us to follow Him.
I started going back to church and accepted Christ as my savior when things were going well in my life. Thomas was living at home we had a wonderful counselor for him who came to the house to work on various goals such as going to the stores and paying for items, etc… She easily became part of our family. Life was really good.
Fast forward a year or so and Thomas was having potentially dangerous side effects to one of his medications. We
had to change his meds and it was disastrous. He became aggressive towards me and I was forced to call an ambulance more than once to preserve my safety and Thomas was hospitalized many times. I felt like my world was falling apart. This was
also when the depression started settling in. I remember feeling far from God. That he moved away from me. I even had a dream that I was praying and I had a big glass dome over me and my prayers couldn’t get past the glass to reach God.
At no time did I stop believing or blame God. I did become angry at him but I did not feel forsaken, just separate and broken.
I find it so interesting that He chose me to return to Him and accept Christ during a “good” season in my life and then the storms hit. I kept praying even though I felt so far away. One particular storm lasted for years (the depression).
During this season of my life things are nice. Not stress free but calm. I know He has great plans that have yet to be revealed. And even though I had a season of feeling separate from Him, God never left me.
