Giving God the credit.

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I’ve been thinking lately how I haven’t been giving God the credit/glory for my life.  For my husband, my family, my depression being lifted.  Here I am feeling healthy for the first time in a long time and I have the nerve to not give God the glory. I credited my doctor for finding the right medication to prescribe but truth is if it weren’t for God who placed this doctor in my life to begin with I wouldn’t be where I am right now. I had been frustrated that it took as long as it did to find the right medication. There is a reason it took as long as it did. What that reason is? I have no idea but I know it is part of His master plan. God always has a plan. We’re just not always privy to what that plan is.

I think of my testimony of the first time I met the Lord. Thomas was in and out of the psychiatric hospital. And I was angry, so very angry. Angry at God for not letting me “in” to know his plan. I’d never been angry like this before, my husband was even concerned.  My friend Toni suggested I listen to the song by Casting Crowns, “Praise you in this storm”. I’d heard the song many times before, I even sang along to it if it played on the radion. I put the CD in while driving home after dropping Samantha off at pre-K one morning.  As the song played I began crying, and crying. While stopped at a red light (at an intersection I’ll never forget) I had the distinct vision of Jesus standing behind me.  While I was crying I envisioned Him cupping his hand and collecting my tears.  It was beautiful. I drove home in peace and had peace from then on. I was no longer angry at God. I realized He did have a plan and I only needed to trust in Him.

I think now of the trust I had then. I need to always have that trust and know that He is God and nothing is by accident or coincidence. There was no mistake in the medications I tried and they didn’t work. There are reasons only known by Him why I had to go through that storm. And it is by His grace that I came through the storm and I can talk about it.

Life~I’ve been happy

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LIfe’s been good.  Today is Thomas’ prom and we’re going, the whole family plus Alyssa’s boyfriend. We will have a good time I know. Thomas is really looking forward to it and on the phone happily told me all about the new clothes he recently shopped for along with new shoes.  He will look so handsome! We’re bringing him home after the prom and on Saturday we will celebrate my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary with a party. My sister did about all of the work related to the party. I can’t thank her enough.

Alyssa and I have toured 2 colleges in Manhattan.  She’s a junior in high school set to graduate next year. I can’t believe we’re looking at colleges for crying out loud, it seems like just yesterday she was in grade school and Samantha was just born.

So as my title says I’ve been happy. I love feeling this way. It’s so “normal” I’m not detached or depressed. I don’t feel like I have to “work” at being myself. It’s all good. I’m still seeing my therapist but it’s different now. I’m not searching for anything, mostly we just talk about life, or rather I talk about my life.  The “usual” circumstances that happen when you have children of various ages. It’s a good talk.

I really enjoy church. I’m really trying lately to understand “is God enough?” I feel like my eyes have been opened recently in realizing that I have other things and people in front of God and this is not right. I need for Him to be first. I want for Him to be first.  I’ve also stopped comparing my family to others. I didn’t realize I was doing this until I stopped and had a realization that God has given me the people in my family. He hand chose them and me to be together in this lifetime. I haven’t been discouraged in my walk with the Lord, rather He’s made me pause and think and appreciate all that I’ve taken for granted. My family, my husband and even God. I hope to have a more grateful approach to life.

So Its Been Even Longer…

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It’s been quite some time since I last blogged. To be honest I wasn’t feeling all that well depression wise. I didn’t realize the depression was back and was just going through the motions. It took a very honest session with my therapist and her literally telling me to call my doctor. That I needed to see him and have things taken care of. I didn’t realize how detached I had become. My husband did mention how quiet I’d become but I didn’t have the insight to see how things, how I had become. I did see my doctor and he introduced a new (to me) med and I’m happy to announce I am feeling much better much more present in life if that makes sense. I didn’t realize I was just going through the motions and trying to pretend all was well. Now that I’m feeling better I’m actually enjoying my life, my husband, my children. It’s nice to be present. I even cut my hair. Short. Really short. And I love it. A few people in person felt the need to reassure me that “it will grow back”. The depressed me would have gotten angry at such a statement, the me of today laughs at such. I mean seriously it’s only hair and I meant to have it cut like this it wasn’t a tragic hair accident.

Thomas’ prom is coming up at the end of this month and we’re really looking forward to it. It’s just the coolest to see him and all the other kids dressed up and having such a great time.

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It’s been a while…

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It’s been a while since I’ve written in this blog.  Nothing much has changed since my last entry. I’m still working the job, I still love the Lord, and the family is fine. I’m just quiet. I don’t particularly like being quiet. I need to be shaken up a bit, but in a good way. I’m searching and applying for other jobs but I’ve only been met with rejections. I keep reminding myself that where ever I am is exactly where God wants me to be. I have handed over my trust to the Lord that another job will come along when He feels the time is right and it’s where I’m meant to be. So right now midtown Manhattan twice a week is where I am meant to be and where the Lord wants me. I don’t dislike the job, I do wish I had more hours and more people interaction. I like chatting and interacting with the public. Speaking of the Lord, I’m enjoying church and bible study. I’ve been quiet at both venues though. I used to be very outgoing during bible study, sharing my thoughts and ideas. As of late I’ve been taking a back seat and let others be vocal and just take it all in. There we go with the quiet issue again. I haven’t had anything to share or felt the need to share. I so want to change that. Again I need a shake up. I’m still thrift shopping, finding treasures here and there.  Last week I found the cutest Chanel t shirt and the week before brand new Diesel denim that fit like a glove. Lucky for me both were in my size so I was happy with those scores. On the Thomas front, Tommy and I are officially his legal guardians. When Thomas turned 18 Tommy and I had to file for legal guardianship of Thomas so we will be able to continue to make decisions for him as he is incapable of making decisions for himself. We were fingerprinted and back ground checked.  I find that mildly amusing as no one said boo to me when I gave birth and we were sent home without any kind of instruction manual. But then Thomas turns 18 and we’re subject to whether or not we are capable of being his guardians. We seemed to do a fine enough job for the past 18 years…

Christmas songs

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I love “The Little Drummer Boy”, love that song. My Grandmother used to collect things that had to do with the little drummer boy, little statues, she even had a little drummer boy doll that she kept in it’s own display case. I adored my grandmother so when I hear the Little Drummer boy song I always think of her, no matter who sings it or what version.

Another song I love is “Oh Holy Night/Night Divine”. When they sing, “Fall on your knees and hear the angel voices…” I get choked up. I fight the urge to actually fall on my knees to honor our newborn King. There are so many songs that evoke such strong emotions. The realization that we are celebrating our Savior’s birth is no light matter. The fact that God came down to us in the form of a helpless baby, that God gave his only son…

Don’t get me wrong I enjoy the other Christmas songs like Santa Clause is Coming to Town, nobody does it better than Bruce Springstein, IMO anyway. But there’s something so special about the songs that sing of the birth of Christ, the real reason we are celebrating Christmas. Jesus’ birth. “The First Noel” reminds us that God alerted shepherds tending their sheep of the birth of Jesus. That Christ entered this world in such a simple manner yet his life turned the world upside down. It’s amazing.

Christmas

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My son is home for Christmas. Alyssa and I picked him up this morning and made great time coming home. In addition to the many toys he was given for Christmas from his school, Thomas also has new sneakers he managed to finagle his social worker into buying *right* after Tommy bought him brand new sneakers Thanksgiving weekend. He is charming. I’m so glad Thomas is home. Especially for Christmas. I can’t imagine him not being here. We’ve already set up the batteries in one of the remote controlled cars he received from school. I started thinking about the time we thought Thomas was going to spend Christmas in the psych hospital. That happened about 5 years ago I think.

Thomas had been very aggressive towards me and I finally couldn’t take it anymore and we had him hospitalized I think the beginning of December/end of November. They did some med changes and his behavior stabilized in the hospital like it always did. I was so fortunate to be singing in the choir that year and we were singing for the Live Nativity. Singing in the choir was a life saver for me. My choir family was praying for us.

We made the 2 hour car ride to visit Thomas and attend meetings with the social workers and psychiatrists. I blamed myself for him being hospitalized at this time so close to Christmas. I was thinking I should have initiated it sooner than I did then he would have been discharged earlier. What’s done was done though. The beginning of December melted into the middle of December, the Live Nativity came and went and we were wondering if Thomas was coming home before Christmas. Finally, about 5 days before Christmas we got the call from the social worker that Thomas was indeed spending Christmas in the psych hospital. We were devastated. How was this going to happen?? How were we to spend Christmas morning without one of our children opening gifts? As we were planning and talking about how we were going to make Christmas “happen”, another social worker called 3 days before Christmas to tell us the insurance company decided Thomas should be discharged. I couldn’t believe it. Simply could not. Tommy was beside himself with joy. He drove up as soon as he could to get him. We did have Christmas together and all was “normal”. Thank the Lord.

I’m grateful those days are behind us and we don’t have to worry about whether we’ll all be together for Christmas. I’m grateful for Thomas’ school and that Thomas is able to come home as often as he does, for as long as he does. His school has truly been a blessing.

Christmas shopping

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I’m well underway! It’s been nice because I have actual things on a list to go by. My gosh that list has made my life so much easier especially with my own kids, not to mention nieces and nephews. What was extra nice was that my husband was home the past 2 nights and together we made quite a dent in “The List”. It was nice spending time with him even if it was just shopping. I really appreciate my husband. I not only was glad for the shopping help but I appreciate him as a person. His sense of humor, that he watches me walking towards him with this smile that says he’s so happy to see me. Like I’m someone who’s worth watching. It’s a nice feeling. We split up a few times in the mall, I’m not really a Sears gal and he could care less about the teen/tween stores. After a while we’d find each other again and regroup, refer back to “The List”. We held hands and kissed in public.

I’m glad I have him. I’m thankful the Lord placed him in my life. We’ve been together since we were about 17 years old and married for 19 years this past November. 19 Married Christmases. That’s pretty cool. With the exception of our very first Christmas right after we were married, the other 18 Christmases have been all about the kids. Thomas first of course then just Thomas and Alyssa. Before we knew it Lelly was with us and last but not least along came Samantha. It was nice when the kids were younger and it was fun. But to be honest I enjoy the holidays more now that everyone is older and things aren’t as hectic as they were back then when kids are say under the age of 5.

The holidays are here!

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Well officially Thanksgiving in about 4 more days. I’m not sure how I feel about the upcoming holiday season. Am I dreading the actual Christmas shopping? I don’t know yet as I haven’t even started, no actually I have started, the gifts haven’t arrived yet via our wonderful postal system I almost forgot about them. One gift I did buy my husband I do actually have here in the house…hidden, haha!

Every year we jump through hoops trying to figure out what to buy our son Thomas. He loves opening gifts. However he isn’t the easiest person to buy gifts for. He’s not one to actually play with any toys, even when he was younger he didn’t really play with toys. Now that he’s 18 it’s more difficult since he isn’t a typical 18 year old young man. I also have family calling me for ideas of what to buy him and they usually are told “I don’t know” in response. Hopefully with Thomas home for Thanksgiving we can pry something out of him or maybe we’ll hit the jackpot and find out multiple “things” he’d like.

We put our tree up the day after thanksgiving. A Thomas tradition. He loves to watch me put the tree up and help. He is a great helper. He’ll carry boxes down from the attic and hang ornaments on the tree. But he won’t rest until all the decorations are up and/or out and in their respective places. I used to dread putting up the tree because Thomas will fixate on it, no one would rest until the darn tree was up. What? You want a “break”?? I don’t think so! But he’s mellowed a bit; either that or our patience has increased. It’s probably a combination of both. These days I don’t dread it, I actually look forward to putting up the tree. It wouldn’t be the same if Thomas wasn’t helping me.

I’ll never forget the one Christmas right after I had a miscarriage. I didn’t want to celebrate anything never mind put up the dang tree. Thomas and I brought the tree down from the attic and I started stringing the lights. I tested every strand of lights before putting them on the tree, then…Of course half the lights wouldn’t work once they were actually on the stupid tree and I literally had a half lit tree. It was horrible. I took all the lights off and threw them away and declared that unless we went out and bought a pre lit tree I wasn’t putting up a tree at all. Fast forward to all of us in Sears debating which pre lit tree was best for us. My husband is the best.

So this year we’ll buy a “real” tree and I’ll string the lights and Thomas will direct and supervise as usual. I’m looking forward to it.

Fighting

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Do you ever feel like you’re just fighting God?  I do. I feel this way a lot lately. I like my job but I don’t love it.  I want to love what I do, don’t we all? Perhaps that will come with time so I need to be patient. This job had everything on my checklist; part time, in Manhattan, in an office. So I shouldn’t be complaining but I am. I also believe God had a hand in me even getting this job as I know He holds our lives in His hands. I should be grateful since I have been job hunting for the past 9 months or so with no results. I believe He wants me to be where I am yet I feel as though I’m fighting Him the whole way.

I don’t believe in coincidences. God orchestrates and places us exactly where He wants us at all times. I did not fight Him when it came time to have Thomas live at a residential school. I did not fight when the perfect school was literally thrown in our laps with as an added bonus; awesome staffing. But here I am fighting Him over a job. I feel it in my gut, the fight, the inner tantrum we all have when things aren’t as we want them or envisioned them to be. I feel as though I’m a child pouting and stomping over not getting her way.

Why do we/I fight God so much? I find it so difficult to surrender to Him. Even though He will never leave me and His way is always ultimately the best, I’m choosing instead to fight Him. I want to surrender, I want to be obedient but…there’s that spoiled child kicking and having a tantrum. I’m tired of fighting.

God and outside church.

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I love when I’m in church and worshipping our Lord. I feel so content to be there and I know He hears me. Everything seems so black and white and comforting. We love Him, He loves us. Jesus died to save us who are sinners. Since entering the workforce I question how to integrate God and “work”. How to get that feeling on Sunday to last while at work? How do we bring God to work with us? I pray on the way to work constantly. Then afterwards I try to remember to pray for thanks for His presence in my life while I was at work.

Bringing God to work. I know some people who are able to do that successfully. Co-workers know they are Christians and I think that is wonderful. There are many times I would love to shout “I am a Christian, I love Him!” but I’m sure it wouldn’t go over well. My workplace isn’t a traditional office setting. I see clients and then they are on their way. There isn’t any way I could just slip God into the conversation. Or rather I don’t see a way to bring God into the conversation. The client is in my presence for a specific reason/procedure and that is exactly what we talk about, why they are there. Honestly I don’t necessarily want to witness at work, I want to bring God with me to work. Bring his presence with me, make it a part of me. I don’t want to feel the separation of “Sunday” me and “work” me. Its almost as if there are 2 worlds that can’t seem to collide. I want them to collide and coexist in a manner that it would be impossible to separate. It’s like my soul is craving more God in more places of my life.

I’m thinking I need to spend more time in the word. I don’t feel I spend enough time reading my bible and taking note of verses that speak to and/or convict me. I can’t think of any other way to draw closer to God and enable myself to make my worlds collide.

On another note I want my bible to be less “neat”, it’s only recently that I’ve felt bold enough to underline specific verses we’ve gone over while at bible study. A highlighter marker is now on the shopping list.