Christmas

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My son is home for Christmas. Alyssa and I picked him up this morning and made great time coming home. In addition to the many toys he was given for Christmas from his school, Thomas also has new sneakers he managed to finagle his social worker into buying *right* after Tommy bought him brand new sneakers Thanksgiving weekend. He is charming. I’m so glad Thomas is home. Especially for Christmas. I can’t imagine him not being here. We’ve already set up the batteries in one of the remote controlled cars he received from school. I started thinking about the time we thought Thomas was going to spend Christmas in the psych hospital. That happened about 5 years ago I think.

Thomas had been very aggressive towards me and I finally couldn’t take it anymore and we had him hospitalized I think the beginning of December/end of November. They did some med changes and his behavior stabilized in the hospital like it always did. I was so fortunate to be singing in the choir that year and we were singing for the Live Nativity. Singing in the choir was a life saver for me. My choir family was praying for us.

We made the 2 hour car ride to visit Thomas and attend meetings with the social workers and psychiatrists. I blamed myself for him being hospitalized at this time so close to Christmas. I was thinking I should have initiated it sooner than I did then he would have been discharged earlier. What’s done was done though. The beginning of December melted into the middle of December, the Live Nativity came and went and we were wondering if Thomas was coming home before Christmas. Finally, about 5 days before Christmas we got the call from the social worker that Thomas was indeed spending Christmas in the psych hospital. We were devastated. How was this going to happen?? How were we to spend Christmas morning without one of our children opening gifts? As we were planning and talking about how we were going to make Christmas “happen”, another social worker called 3 days before Christmas to tell us the insurance company decided Thomas should be discharged. I couldn’t believe it. Simply could not. Tommy was beside himself with joy. He drove up as soon as he could to get him. We did have Christmas together and all was “normal”. Thank the Lord.

I’m grateful those days are behind us and we don’t have to worry about whether we’ll all be together for Christmas. I’m grateful for Thomas’ school and that Thomas is able to come home as often as he does, for as long as he does. His school has truly been a blessing.

Christmas shopping

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I’m well underway! It’s been nice because I have actual things on a list to go by. My gosh that list has made my life so much easier especially with my own kids, not to mention nieces and nephews. What was extra nice was that my husband was home the past 2 nights and together we made quite a dent in “The List”. It was nice spending time with him even if it was just shopping. I really appreciate my husband. I not only was glad for the shopping help but I appreciate him as a person. His sense of humor, that he watches me walking towards him with this smile that says he’s so happy to see me. Like I’m someone who’s worth watching. It’s a nice feeling. We split up a few times in the mall, I’m not really a Sears gal and he could care less about the teen/tween stores. After a while we’d find each other again and regroup, refer back to “The List”. We held hands and kissed in public.

I’m glad I have him. I’m thankful the Lord placed him in my life. We’ve been together since we were about 17 years old and married for 19 years this past November. 19 Married Christmases. That’s pretty cool. With the exception of our very first Christmas right after we were married, the other 18 Christmases have been all about the kids. Thomas first of course then just Thomas and Alyssa. Before we knew it Lelly was with us and last but not least along came Samantha. It was nice when the kids were younger and it was fun. But to be honest I enjoy the holidays more now that everyone is older and things aren’t as hectic as they were back then when kids are say under the age of 5.

The holidays are here!

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Well officially Thanksgiving in about 4 more days. I’m not sure how I feel about the upcoming holiday season. Am I dreading the actual Christmas shopping? I don’t know yet as I haven’t even started, no actually I have started, the gifts haven’t arrived yet via our wonderful postal system I almost forgot about them. One gift I did buy my husband I do actually have here in the house…hidden, haha!

Every year we jump through hoops trying to figure out what to buy our son Thomas. He loves opening gifts. However he isn’t the easiest person to buy gifts for. He’s not one to actually play with any toys, even when he was younger he didn’t really play with toys. Now that he’s 18 it’s more difficult since he isn’t a typical 18 year old young man. I also have family calling me for ideas of what to buy him and they usually are told “I don’t know” in response. Hopefully with Thomas home for Thanksgiving we can pry something out of him or maybe we’ll hit the jackpot and find out multiple “things” he’d like.

We put our tree up the day after thanksgiving. A Thomas tradition. He loves to watch me put the tree up and help. He is a great helper. He’ll carry boxes down from the attic and hang ornaments on the tree. But he won’t rest until all the decorations are up and/or out and in their respective places. I used to dread putting up the tree because Thomas will fixate on it, no one would rest until the darn tree was up. What? You want a “break”?? I don’t think so! But he’s mellowed a bit; either that or our patience has increased. It’s probably a combination of both. These days I don’t dread it, I actually look forward to putting up the tree. It wouldn’t be the same if Thomas wasn’t helping me.

I’ll never forget the one Christmas right after I had a miscarriage. I didn’t want to celebrate anything never mind put up the dang tree. Thomas and I brought the tree down from the attic and I started stringing the lights. I tested every strand of lights before putting them on the tree, then…Of course half the lights wouldn’t work once they were actually on the stupid tree and I literally had a half lit tree. It was horrible. I took all the lights off and threw them away and declared that unless we went out and bought a pre lit tree I wasn’t putting up a tree at all. Fast forward to all of us in Sears debating which pre lit tree was best for us. My husband is the best.

So this year we’ll buy a “real” tree and I’ll string the lights and Thomas will direct and supervise as usual. I’m looking forward to it.

Fighting

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Do you ever feel like you’re just fighting God?  I do. I feel this way a lot lately. I like my job but I don’t love it.  I want to love what I do, don’t we all? Perhaps that will come with time so I need to be patient. This job had everything on my checklist; part time, in Manhattan, in an office. So I shouldn’t be complaining but I am. I also believe God had a hand in me even getting this job as I know He holds our lives in His hands. I should be grateful since I have been job hunting for the past 9 months or so with no results. I believe He wants me to be where I am yet I feel as though I’m fighting Him the whole way.

I don’t believe in coincidences. God orchestrates and places us exactly where He wants us at all times. I did not fight Him when it came time to have Thomas live at a residential school. I did not fight when the perfect school was literally thrown in our laps with as an added bonus; awesome staffing. But here I am fighting Him over a job. I feel it in my gut, the fight, the inner tantrum we all have when things aren’t as we want them or envisioned them to be. I feel as though I’m a child pouting and stomping over not getting her way.

Why do we/I fight God so much? I find it so difficult to surrender to Him. Even though He will never leave me and His way is always ultimately the best, I’m choosing instead to fight Him. I want to surrender, I want to be obedient but…there’s that spoiled child kicking and having a tantrum. I’m tired of fighting.

God and outside church.

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I love when I’m in church and worshipping our Lord. I feel so content to be there and I know He hears me. Everything seems so black and white and comforting. We love Him, He loves us. Jesus died to save us who are sinners. Since entering the workforce I question how to integrate God and “work”. How to get that feeling on Sunday to last while at work? How do we bring God to work with us? I pray on the way to work constantly. Then afterwards I try to remember to pray for thanks for His presence in my life while I was at work.

Bringing God to work. I know some people who are able to do that successfully. Co-workers know they are Christians and I think that is wonderful. There are many times I would love to shout “I am a Christian, I love Him!” but I’m sure it wouldn’t go over well. My workplace isn’t a traditional office setting. I see clients and then they are on their way. There isn’t any way I could just slip God into the conversation. Or rather I don’t see a way to bring God into the conversation. The client is in my presence for a specific reason/procedure and that is exactly what we talk about, why they are there. Honestly I don’t necessarily want to witness at work, I want to bring God with me to work. Bring his presence with me, make it a part of me. I don’t want to feel the separation of “Sunday” me and “work” me. Its almost as if there are 2 worlds that can’t seem to collide. I want them to collide and coexist in a manner that it would be impossible to separate. It’s like my soul is craving more God in more places of my life.

I’m thinking I need to spend more time in the word. I don’t feel I spend enough time reading my bible and taking note of verses that speak to and/or convict me. I can’t think of any other way to draw closer to God and enable myself to make my worlds collide.

On another note I want my bible to be less “neat”, it’s only recently that I’ve felt bold enough to underline specific verses we’ve gone over while at bible study. A highlighter marker is now on the shopping list.

Prayers and Anxiety

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Anxiety, it stinks or more accurately it sucks. Plain and simple. It sucks to be worried about “things” all the time. Afraid that if you don’t worry that something even more terrible will happen. That’s how my mind works anyway. So I tend to pray more when anxious. Pray for God to take the anxiety away, pray for whatever I’m worried about to NOT actually happen and then pray again for Him to alleviate my anxiety. I have to say sometimes prayer actually works. IME anyway He does take the anxiety down a notch. I know He does. I wish I could lay it all on The Lord so that I have no anxieties the way it says to do in the bible:

1 Peter 5:6-7English Standard Version (ESV)

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

That’s the verse. The verse that really says it all to an anxious person. Now to actually apply it. That’s the tough part. There are times I feel the anxiety is simply a part of who I am as a person. I’ve learned some techniques for managing it but nothing really makes it go away. I should learn from my own past as the times that I have been able to cast my anxieties on Him; The Lord has not let me down. He truly answered my prayers. Those are the times where I’ve been exhausted by the anxiety and felt I had no where left to turn except to the Lord. I want to be in a place to cast my anxieties on him before I’m exhausted. I need to remember that He will never leave or forsake me.

Being used

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Being used, but in a good way. Being used by God. I want an itinerary of when God will use me. Of course that isn’t going to happen but it would be nice to know ahead of time when you’re to be a blessing to someone. I remember fervently praying a couple of years ago asking God to use me. I wanted so badly to do something “great” in His name. I didn’t realize at the time I was being used for my own family. Encouraging my older girls to be involved in youth group, driving them to and from, having discussions about God and Jesus and the bible. He was using me and I didn’t recognize it. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. God uses us for his glory but in ways only he knows since he’s the one orchestrating the whole thing anyway. I’m realizing lately just how much He is in control and it’s striking and comforting. When I look at my life and the way things have fallen into place there is no other answer except “It’s God”. There are no coincidences and “oh isn’t that funny”. Nope, it’s The Lord.

One such example is Thomas’ school. They were the only school who called and I wasn’t even going to answer the phone. Thanks be to God that I did or The Holy spirit prompting me to pick up the phone. If I never had that conversation which led to visiting the school and eventually Thomas’ attendance I honestly don’t know what we would have done at that time. It was a desperate time for us and God hand picked this school for Thomas. I truly believe that with all I am. I’m wondering if this new job was handpicked for me for whatever reason. I wanted part time office work in Manhattan. I wanted to work as a nurse. Those criteria were met in that exact fashion. I’m almost afraid to believe this job is a direction that could only be guided by The Lord. But who else knew exactly what I wanted. No one. Why is it so hard to convince myself that I am deserving of being directed and controlled and the recipient of gifts by God? I consider God controlling my life almost too good to be true. I don’t see myself as being deserved of such attentive direction. Yet I will strongly proclaim His handiwork in the lives of just about everyone around me.

I do believe He is in control and I praise him. I seriously need to let go and let God.

Working

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I’m still in training but that’s ok as I think training will be coming to an end rather soon. I think I’m ok with training ending, it means I’ll be on my own and that’s a step forward. I like the job, I like the people I meet. I never in a million years thought I’d be working at this job. Never. My family has had to adjust a bit nothing earth shattering but I depend on the girls to be here to watch Samantha or pick her up from school. They’ve been cooperative and supportive so what more could I ask for?

For quite some time I’ve been questioning if God really has a plan for me. I felt as if I were floating around with no direction, sending my resume out for months with no replies whatsoever. Then it seems like BAM! All of a sudden I have this job and the hours are perfect and even in Manhattan. And for the icing on the cake, I went to bible study last night and it felt so right to be there. As if I was right where I was supposed to be.

I no longer feel like I’m floating around with no direction. I feel like I do have a direction, I don’t know where I’m going, just that I’m on my way. I believe that God has a plan, but what that plan is I have no idea. In God’s own timing will I find out what his plan is. And yet again I’m reminded of the patience required to trust God’s timing.

I got the job!

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The one I video interviewed with.  After not hearing back from them the following week or 2, I figured I didn’t get it as I wrote in a previous post. But this weekend I checked my email and what do I see? An email asking me to come in to their office Monday morning. I quickly emailed back that I could make it.  I went this morning, I even arrived early (Yay me ;)).  We chatted and my future employer was very nice and personable. We discussed hours, training, dress code (business casual another yay!), salary, and just about everything one discusses at a job interview.

I start training tomorrow! This doesn’t seem real. I’ve spent so much time putting out resumes and job hunting that it doesn’t seem real that I got the job! I applied for job after job these past 7 months and heard nothing back. I honestly couldn’t even get a job in a supermarket~a popular chain turned me down I hate to admit. It took me renewing my nursing license and praying for guidance to get a job. Amazing IMO. I’ll be in Manhattan part time and I’m so excited. I wanted to work in Manhattan but couldn’t figure out how I would do so without going back to a hospital. I didn’t want to go back to a hospital and worry about working weekends and holidays. So here I am with this part time Manhattan gig in an office with hours that work for my family. It doesn’t seem real.

The next step.

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With Thomas turning 18 this year, Tommy and I are going through the process of obtaining legal guardianship of him. This freaked me out. Not that I am to be my son’s legal guardian past the age of legal adulthood, just that we have to do this period. I had a difficult time filling out the large packet of papers the social worker from school sent us and I held back tears when I had to call the Surrogate court here where we live for further information. I still can’t get over that my first born is 18 years old. Freaks me out man. Every time I think about the next steps we have to take I get choked up and remember Thomas as a baby and I feel like I want to go back. Back to when he was so small and everything was alright. We had yet to begin our journey filled with frustration and doctors and specialists.

I don’t do this with my other kids. I mean Alyssa recently got her drivers permit and as much as that is such a huge milestone and we are so proud of her, it doesn’t freak me out. I’m excited for her to learn to drive (yes it does make me nervous as any parent would be). Daniella my “baby” before Samantha, will be attending high school next year, nope not freaked out.

Is it because Thomas is my first? Is it that he is special needs and this is once again a decision and action we *shouldn’t* have to be doing? One more thing on the list that we have to decide for him? Rhetorical questions mind you I don’t want or expect answers. I remember how simple things were in those few short months before the shit hit the fan and we were set off on a quest of “Tell us what’s wrong and how do we fix it?” For the first time ever I wanted to go back in time. I know I couldn’t change anything that is wrong with Thomas, but I could appreciate more the simplicity of that time in our life.

As of right now we are in a holding pattern. There are papers still to be signed and notarized, another appointment with the guide from Surrogate court to help us further and then the actual filing and appearing before a judge. I’m ok with the holding pattern it’s giving me more time to digest this all and it gives my brain a much needed break.