Author: MenayO

About a boy

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I’ve written quite a bit about my son. And that being a co-leader for a bible study group for Mom’s of special needs children brings me back to a time when things were off the hook for our family. Last week’s meeting was as awesome as the first. Three women couldn’t make it but instead we had 3 new members so I was able to hear their stories and be taken back yet again. It’s not painful to go back but rather retrospective at this point in my life. I can even recall the aggression without tears. A point I never thought I’d get to.

We discussed fears of our children being made fun of by other children because of their special needs. I shared that even when Thomas was the lowest functioning student in the entire school, no one made fun of him or bullied him. It was quite amazing when I look back. The social worker at that time explained to me that Thomas was a “nice kid” and all the other students wanted to be friends with him, “… you see, Thomas is a nice boy. These kids know who’s a nice kid and who isn’t …” My heart hurt for the other mom’s because I know that fear but God graced Thomas with a kind heart and the opened eyes of the other students. God also graced Thomas was a resilience to adapt to just about every situation he’s been faced with.

When Thomas was 8 years old we made the decision to have him attend a residential school an hour away from home. It was a gut wrenching but necessary decision. Thomas adapted and adapted well. God blessed this boy with the ability to be able to live away from us. Fast forward 8 years and again we were faced with this same decision. Again the Lord blessed Thomas with the resiliency to be able to adapt to a new environment and staff and other kids and to be away from us. To be perfectly honest I don’t think my girls would be able to adapt as well as Thomas has. I don’t believe they are as resilient as their brother or can adapt to change as well as he can. In all fairness they haven’t *had* to adapt to any kind of change that was beyond the realm of traditional transitioning to new classes, new schools, etc…

Are You Where You Though yet You’d Be?

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If someone were to ask you if you are where you’d thought you would be say 5 years ago would you say yes? What about 3 years or even 1 year ago? My answer would be no. I always pictured myself with Tommy but to tell you the truth I rarely think of the future, I’m not one for planning ahead. We make plans and God laughs is what my husband says. I remember the exact time I stopped making plans. It was after I had the second miscarriage. I kept making these grand plans to have another baby but God had different plans at that time. I did end up pregnant again and giving birth but it was at God’s timing, not mine.

I do think of the future and have hopes. I hope Thomas will be living at a group home in this town where we live when he turns 21. I hope Alyssa gets into her college of choice and is able to dorm in Manhattan the way she wants to without putting herself in a crap load of debt.

If someone had told me 3 years ago I’d be happy and not constantly fighting the depression I don’t think I would have believed them. Three years ago I was still trialing medications and having good times and bad times. I desperately wanted a job, any job. I have no idea what I thought I’d be doing. I was adamant that I not be working in any way as a nurse.

Turns out God did have plans. He wanted me in a better place than I was 3 years ago because a job did materialize. But like everything else it was on His timing. I don’t think I would have been able to keep and do well at a job three years ago. Heck, even 2 years ago I wasn’t doing as well as I am now depression wise. Two years ago I decided I didn’t want any job, I wanted a job in Manhattan; part time.

I’ve been employed now, part time in Manhattan for 17 months. I know this was all in God’s plan for me. I’m working as a nurse but not in a capacity I ever dreamed of. Every day that I work I pray on the way there while on the ferry, sometimes on the subway. I pray for wisdom and discernment and for God to be with me while I’m working. On the way home I pray again and thank Him for being with me. If it were not for Him I wouldn’t be where I am today. Everything I wanted on my terms did not come to be. It was all on God’s timing. And His timing is nothing less than perfect.

Feeling Appreciated

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I received an email from my supervisor informing me of some changes in my hours come March 1st. It’s an official increase; something I’ve been praying for a couple of months now so Praise God! Within the email was a request, do I have any suggestions to drive up our volume or improve our services?  I was humbled by that request. That my supervisor thinks enough of me to ask for my input was so flattering. I haven’t worked for a few years before this job came along, and in my previous position I sure as anything wasn’t asked for my opinion. Even when I worked as a nurse in the allergist’s office he never asked for my advice or opinion. So this felt good it felt really good.

I did have a couple of ideas that I promptly wrote and sent in an email. I prayed about more ideas asking the Lord for His help in this. I also asked Him for help in sorting out child care for Samantha on the day I’ll be staying later than the previous schedule. I’m really looking forward to the change as I’ll be working during the after school hours which is more convenient for many families who cannot come in on a Saturday or in the morning during the week. I’m excited for this new change. I love the new office and location. I’ve discovered the subway I was taking to get to the old location is the one I can continue taking, I just need to get off at one more stop and walk about 3 blocks.

It’s funny when I took this job I figured it would be temporary, I wasn’t even sure I liked what I was doing. But here we are almost 18 months later; I do like it, I love being in Manhattan and my boss thinks enough of me to ask my opinion and input. God is good.

So I’m off to brainstorm…

 

 

Proud Mom Moment.

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My Daniella, almost 15 years old texted me last night a link to a handbag she was thinking of buying. Needless to say this made this mama’s heart proud. I was excited that she was looking for her first “real” bag.

So today my kids had off from school due to the Chinese New Year  (gotta love NYC). And we went to the neighborhood TJ Maxx to search for the perfect handbag within Daniella’s set budget. Yes I was in my element and I set off to find her a bag that was perfect. She decided on one, a structured tote in black but after thinking it over she couldn’t get the original one she texted me out of her mind. She also wanted a bag in the color taupe. That tote was black. After deciding that the bags at TJ’s didn’t meet the criteria we decided to try Marshalls.

And there it was… A satchel handbag with optional shoulder strap in taupe! In leather no less. It was as if the clouds parted and the sun shown down on her bag. It was a wonderful moment. We looked around a little more but Daniella had already made up her mind.

The bag was hers and she promptly moved in when we arrived home. The only thing missing is a coach wallet I passed on to Alyssa and Alyssa will pass it on to Daniella. She looks gorgeous carrying her new bag and I as her mother couldn’t be more proud to pass on my love of handbags to the next generation.

Taking me Back

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We started our small group/bible study the other night. It was a great turnout, around 5-6 woman not including myself and my co-leader. The women were amazing, caring and very open. I told my story of Thomas first. Because he’s 19 and and so much has happened in those 19 years I felt like I glossed over a lot of our journey and didn’t go into great detail. How deep in detail do you go when your head spins to just give the basic no frills version?

The members of the group did go into great detail about the lives of themselves and their children. I’m grateful and feel honored that they were comfortable enough to be so open. Their stories and raw emotion brought me back. Back to times that were really tough with Thomas. Emotions that were buried were brought back to the surface but not in a bad way. More of a “yes, I remember feeling that way… but it’s okay now…” And I was quick to get past the memory. I did a lot of nodding and “uh-huh’ing” in agreement of knowing how these women felt.  It’s nice to know I was never alone in my feelings. Even now so many years later the feelings I had are the same feelings these women are having now. It’s amazing. We’re all keeping in touch via email and text messaging; sharing doctor recommendations and keeping each other in prayer.

I left that night feeling incredibly fortunate that God has chosen to use me in this way. Fortunate and privileged to hear these experiences and be a part of their lives.

 

The Thrift

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So I’ve amassed quite the collection of handbags through my thrifting adventures. I don’t know how it happened but lately I’ve struck gold in the handbag department. A Christian Dior limited edition straw woven bag for the summer, a made in Italy Coach satchel, Bottega Veneta jute woven bag also for the summer and finally a Longchamp nylon tote that is all the rage in Manhattan for commuters so I’m right in style. Some of these bags I find have never been used. It’s crazy to me anyway. I’m such a (self titled) bag whore that I can’t imagine getting rid of any of the ones I’ve found while thrifting. It really is true that one woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure. And before you ask, yes I will use each and every bag~I like to change bags often.

I’m not a one borough thrifter. I love thrifting in Manhattan as well as where I live. I find bargains in Manhattan too. At first I figured I wouldn’t find anything or that things would be overpriced but it isn’t so. Items are priced just as reasonable in Manhattan as they are here. Of course it depends on the store. There are certain chains of thrift stores that benefit a specific cause that I find to be expensive so of course I avoid those stores. I even thrifted in North Carolina while on vacation. A good friend and I hit every store on a major highway at the Outer Banks after sightseeing one day.  I found nothing! No, wait I did find a sweater but it fell apart when I washed it so there you go; nothing. I was so bummed.

I really enjoy the thrill of the hunt. There are plenty of second hand “Thrift” stores online but I prefer finding my own treasures at a store or at a yard sale.  My siblings and I grew up going to yard sales and thrift stores with our Grandfather. He was always finding some “treasure” to bring home. He loved to collect Avon bottles. They were figurines with cologne inside, usually. He even installed a ton of shelving in his basement to display those beloved Avon figures. Unfortunately no one else in the family (that I know of) shared his love of Avon. I have at least one daughter who loves handbags as much as I do thank goodness, so there’s a shared appreciation. My late Aunt Marge was another thrifter. She had a gift of finding gold jewelry. It was like she just knew by looking at a bracelet, ring, etc…that it was worth something.  She was so funny and would always rejoice with you over a good find. As I write this I realize I’m in great company family wise for thrifting. However, I don’t think my husband will install extra shelving in the basement for my handbags.

 

 

Changes

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The office where I work has moved. I’m no longer working on the relatively quiet street of East 30th Street, I’ll now be working right on 5th avenue close to the Empire State Building. I helped my boss and her family move into the new place Saturday evening after I was done for the day. I liked where the old office was, nice and quiet kind of tucked away…but now things have changed. My boss is no longer leasing office space from another physician; she has her own office and I’m happy for her. I’ll be happy in the new space once I get acclimated. One thing I’ll have to get used to is the busy-ness of 5th Ave. I felt overwhelmed by the whole New York-ness of the area. And to top it off I didn’t know where the subway station was so I looked like a tourist trying to find my way after we were finished setting up. I had to ask a street vendor for directions and walk 2 blocks to get the 1 train. Two long city blocks. The next time I’ll take a different train, one closer to the office. I’ve already mapped it out.

The new office has 3 rooms, one my boss will be renting out shortly and 2 for her own use. One is almost set up ready for me to begin, we’re just waiting for a sink to be installed which will be nice for me to be able to wash my hands without running down the hall every 15 minutes between clients. I’ll no longer be close to a thrift store I found that was close to the old office. I’ll just have to find another one…I know I will.

The other change is my small group/bible study begins in 2 days. I will admit I’m excited and nervous. I’ve never undertaken anything like this. Any other group I was involved in I was never a “leader” but one who attended. I’m praying this works out well. That I’ll be able to bring God glory through my experiences with Thomas and my family and the depression from the trauma of living with him the last 6 months or so that he was home. I’m praying the book I chose speaks to the other women the way it spoke to me. I’m just praying…

 

 

 

Week 2 with our New Pastor.

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Pastor John is our new pastor. Today was the second time he preached, last week they cancelled church due to the snow storm we were clobbered with. I’m really enjoying him  He’s just so good to put it plain and simple. Pastor John is preaching from the book of Phillipians. We’re just at the beginning and its already been enlightening.

Pastor spoke of 3 things we shouldn’t forget: To never forget who helped you on your journey, to never forget who controls your journey and to remember the ultimate purpose of our journey. He packed so much into one sermon it’s difficult to summarize.

In never forgetting who helped you on your journey Pastor John spoke of the Apostle Paul never forgetting those who helped him and supported him, especially when he was in prison in Rome.

When he spoke of never forgetting the one who controls your journey, Pastor said something so profound. The God is omnipotent, nothing is beyond Him and the next thing which resonated with me so strong: “The proof of God’s goodness in not in our circumstances”. It reminded me of when I wrote my blog post titled “Blame” where I’m quick to blame God for my circumstances. Pastor John also said that God didn’t save you to make you happy-He saved you to His glory through you, as you serve his body which is the local church.

The 3rd thing we aren’t to forget is to remember the ultimate purpose of our journey. That love is a choice not an event. Love is an action and pastor spoke of the many times in the bible we are commanded to love. He stressed that love is a choice.

Another phrase that resonated with me that pastor John said is, “When God is through with you he will either kill you or come get you”. I loved that. It means if we’re still here, living that God still has a purpose for you, He’s not done with you yet. That hit me as I often wonder what is God’s purpose for me? What is his purpose for giving me a special needs son? What is his purpose for allowing me to go through clinical depression? As I stand on the edge of starting this small group/bible study I’m starting to see that maybe I’m here to encourage? I don’t know yet for sure~but since I’m still here God isn’t finished with me yet and for that I’m glad and I look forward to Him using me for His glory.

 

 

Thomas This Week

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I’ve been thinking about Thomas lately. He ended up in the ER/Urgent Care the other night for an infection on his leg. He’s fine but did have to have a dose of IV antibiotics. That got me worried a little being that I’m not there nearby but I know he’s in good hands with the nursing staff and residential staff. I have to trust them.

I’ve been thinking of the road we’ve traveled with this son of ours. It hasn’t been an easy one. Many doctors, psych hospitalizations, many med trials and finally residential placement not once but twice. Residential the second time was “easier” because the situation was so dire and my safety was becoming more and more at risk. The school district cooperated with no need to hire a lawyer like the first time. But that didn’t make it a walk in the park. He’s still my son. And my ideal life for him wasn’t for Thomas to live somewhere other than his home, with people other than his family.

My ideal scenario was for Thomas  to stay home until he graduated school at age 21 (special Ed students are educated and receive services until they are 21 yrs old). I then envisioned the perfect group home placement close by to where we live. This is not the reality obviously. Our reality is that we are unable to meet Thomas’ needs here at home, he lives an hour away and I pray for group home placement on Staten Island and not an hour away when he turns 21.

In as little as a few years ago I felt like a failure to Thomas. I’ve written about this in the past. I had distinct visions of me one day meeting our Father in heaven and him being disappointed in me, shaking His head saying, “I gave Thomas to you, what have you done??” I no longer feel this way.  I know Tommy and I did the best we could with the situation we were given. I know I haven’t failed him as a mother. To quote Maya Angelou “We do the best we could with what we knew, when we knew more we did better”. I’ve had people ask me if that quote was an excuse for doing a bad job. My answer is no and the quote is quite simple and true. It puts my mind at ease as Thomas’ mother because the more I knew about my son and his diagnosis’ the better I did at getting help for him.

My other favorite quote is a bible verse from Romans 5: “3Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” My suffering has produced endurance, I have character. I certainly have hope and I know I have God’s love.

Watching God work

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The new small group/Bible study I’m co-leading starts the first week of February. A week from yesterday to be exact. Providing child care was an issue as well as needing a room to provide the child care. Was it permissible to use the Bible study book for special needs Moms that I discovered? What if no one is interested?

These were the issues that we were facing up until today. The small group leader got in touch with me, there was a room available for that night to provide child care and I have a young lady willing to provide the child care. The leaders also approved us using the Bible study book and just this morning I spoke with a woman from church who has a neighbor  interested in attending. This brings the women attending up to 8. I think that is great.

I love watching God at work. It’s not like He works with big stomping feet and a “viola! I’m done, here’s what you asked for!” It’s been my experience that God works in the quiet. I wasn’t totally surprised that things worked out the way they did. From day one of the idea of this Bible study group, things have been coming together in a way that can only be from God. The quiet, perfect manner that only God has. I’m thrilled that He chose to answer the prayers I’ve had for this group with a resounding “yes” and time will tell how the group gets on. I’m eager to see what God has in store next.